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N P D Thread - Part 14

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isitme24 posted 8/16/2015 10:04 AM

A bit of vent coming.

I can't believe the insanity that is swirling around in my life. It's become a Jerry Springer show. The things I've endured and attacks I've been subjected to are mind numbing.

A month ago I decided to quit attempts of R. WW has continued to lie, deceive, and manipulate. Inappropriate contact with other men continues. Unhealthy behavior is all she knows.

In February I pressed a parenting agreement that had been agreed to as term of reconciliation. Shared parenting 50/50 with no custodial parent. Her response was to throw me out of the house. After 3 weeks of begging me to come back home and "consenting" to the parenting agreement, I returned. I put consented in quotes because the reality is she filed for custody and child support without my knowledge on March 13th. Over the next few months I had the parenting agreement drawn up, consulting with her during the entire process. In the interim she had the custody petition on hold.

In July I noticed her old behaviors returning. Phone being hid, texts being deleted, hanging out with old unhealthy friends. I was never given a full accounting of things that transpired early on during the A/A's. What I do know is that she was sexually involved with the known AP before, at the time of conception, and for the first 3 months of the pregnancy(BTW..she had an order-of-protection against AP because he threatened to kill her. You can't make this shit up). We had a pre-natal paternity test which confirmed me as the father. As time has gone by I have come to doubt that I have the full truth of her activities during this time. I requested a post-natal paternity test(which also was agreed to at the time of DD birth). 2nd test was done and reconfirmed that I am the father. But during the past month and a half during this process, any doubt of who she is and what she's capable of has been removed.

She also posts on here. Shame on me for recommending it to her. I thought it would help and she might begin understand the insanity of the way she has been behaving and the damage she is wreaking on the children and other people in her life. Around 3 weeks ago she posted about BS's needing IC. What she failed to discuss was how 2 days before she told me that "she talked to my ex-wife(who also cheated on me) and they came to a consensus that I was a Narcissistic controlling asshole and oh BTW... It was my fault they cheated on me". How do you even respond to something like that? Of course I confronted her after I saw the post. She said the conversation never happened. She was mad and wanted to hurt me. I'm still trying to figure out which scenario is worse?!?!

Anyway, there is no real point to this post other than to spill some of this poison out of me. I've endured this for 2 years and can't take anymore. She is who she is. I'm moving out on September 1st. I know that it will hurt my case for custody but staying is no longer an option.

I'm sure that others have gone through this nightmare. Any thoughts or perspectives would be greatly appreciated.

HurtingandLost posted 8/16/2015 11:36 AM

Itsme- first of all, it would appear that we're married to the same woman, and I'm sure there some baligamy laws on the books somewhere....

I know your frustration, I've gone through the same bs with stbx (ex tomorrow ). It's rough for sure, but I've found that distancing myself from her and focusing on my kids to be therapeutic. She abandoned them in June and spends little to no time with them, and only if I'm around to flirt with. It's tough.

But withdrawing and keeping focused on my kids and the end game has helped. It's not going to be a walk in the Park and I'm not going to be you and say it will be easy. But the end will be worth it.

isitme24 posted 8/16/2015 12:51 PM


"Itsme- first of all, it would appear that we're married to the same woman"

Very possible. Amazing how these stories all have the same twists and turns.

I am doing my best to focus on DD. WW is weaponizing the custody. I'm doing my best to not let things escalate. So far failing to avoid arguments. I know it won't get me anywhere but it's infuriating how absolutely vicious and detached she can be emotionally.

Thanks for your input. Your right...focus on DD and 180 for WW.

[This message edited by isitme24 at 1:10 PM, August 16th (Sunday)]

HurtingandLost posted 8/16/2015 13:21 PM

One thing that leveled the playing field for me was quietly recording each and every phone call and backing up all text messages for months. I keep a calendar with everything documented as far as where kids are, whats she said / did, etc.

A few days ago she had a melt down and threatened to go refile new custody paperwork. I not so kindly reminded her of her position, and that the current paperwork was a gift, and that she needed to follow through with her part or I'd re-file and take everything and shed get zero custody. She acted angry until I let slip my ace card at which point she lost it. She's calm now. We're ready for tomorrow.

WornDown posted 8/17/2015 10:10 AM

I moved out, too. It really helped me to see WW for who is really is, and allowed me to get away from the crazy.

Unfortunately, it's hurt my custody chances (since I live out side the state), and I'm now fighting for custody. But getting away from her was the first step in me healing and getting out of her NPD bullshit (the blameshifting, her accusing me of NPD - yeah, all the crap your WW is throwing at you).

burningmidnight posted 8/20/2015 07:59 AM

Please, read my story to determine that I was in marriage with some with NPD. Please and thank you!

nekorb posted 8/20/2015 23:52 PM

I'm doing my best to not let things escalate.

You're divorcing a Narc. next to nothing will happen without some escalation!

I'm sorry you have to move out - only as it pertains to your kids...otherwise that NC will be a gift. What does your attorney say? Surely moving out because your WW is crazy should be taken into consideration vs. just knocking you because you left. No?

Burningmidnight - welcome. No time to read your story tonight, but I will try to come back and get to it over the weekend sometime.


burningmidnight posted 8/21/2015 06:42 AM

Thank you! It is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=567308&HL=48917

[This message edited by burningmidnight at 6:43 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

nekorb posted 8/21/2015 21:54 PM

Burningmidnight - I just read your story.

I don't know as though your WW is NPD so much as she's an immature, selfish, entitled BITCH.

....and you seem terribly codependent. I'm glad to hear that you are in counseling.

You do not need or want this woman. Trust me. You are young, you don't have kids....quite honestly I'd be running to divorce court and considering this a dodged bullet.

You will get through this pain.

Work on YOURSELF. Learn to be by yourself and be ok with that. The right woman will come along. You really need to do some healing and work on yourself before you get into another relationship, otherwise you will just pick the same type of woman and the same unhealthy dynamic will exist that you've had with your stbx.

Sending you strength.

burningmidnight posted 8/22/2015 08:56 AM

Thank you,

for your support and kind words.

I am starting to feel that way. I believe that she might be NPD is her profoundly lack of empathy. She left everyone dying (me, her grandmother and my Mom), while she had to be the center of attention with her open affair. I looked for the traits that she has found NPD to be closest she is. Maybe she is or is not NPD, the things are not mutual intelligible. One thing is clear is that she is a horrible, horrible person.

Wiserallthetime posted 8/22/2015 13:19 PM

Burning -

One thing to understand is that a label isn't truly what helps you deal with another person; it is understanding how to react to or be proactive for or prepared for their behaviors that helps you with dealing with them in a healthy manner. If your WW shows behaviors related to NPD, then this thread will be helpful to you when you have to deal with those behaviors, regardless of whether she would ever actually be diagnosed with the disorder officially or not.
My STBXwh has not been officially diagnosed with more than passive-aggressive behavior, depression, and narcotic "dependence", as far as labels go. However, he has been diagnosed, officially, with many traits that fall on the NPD spectrum, such as giving the silent treatment, taking out revenge by isolating the person via collecting all others around them as cohorts. He has also been officially diagnosed with having a fear of being abandoned and testing those around him for their loyalty, which often is seen with BPD. I don't need the labels to know these are the behaviors which he will exhibit and for which I should be prepared for him to use. (I'd just as soon never deal with him at all now, but, since we have kids together, that is not possible....)
I hope that makes sense.... I'm thinking people get a bit too focused on labeling when it really matters much more what the underlying reasons for the labels are. Thus, I encourage you to learn how better to handle the behaviors, because, whether you stay with her or leave her and one day find another, you will need the ability to deal with these things better than you have in the past; take the time now to learn and grow.... You will be glad you did.

burningmidnight posted 8/22/2015 13:28 PM


I sincerely thank you for the advice. I need the guidance and the encouragement. I appreciate it.

nekorb posted 8/22/2015 16:59 PM

One thing to understand is that a label isn't truly what helps you deal with another person;

learn how better to handle the behaviors, because, whether you stay with her or leave her and one day find another, you will need the ability to deal with these things better than you have in the past; take the time now to learn and grow


Wiserallthetime posted 8/22/2015 18:56 PM

You're welcome, burning, but I'm not only just passing it forward, I am reminding myself.... I have a great IC - been the most helpful one thing I have done other than get STBXWH to move out, but, IC doesn't offer up labels. (And, yes, IC has met STBXWH and talked with him in the past.) It sometimes drives me crazy because I am the type to investigate and research and educate myself to the nth degree, so I'd kind of like to know if I am at least close.... But, again, the important thing to know are the behaviors, as the label means nothing without knowing the underlying behaviors.

caregiver9000 posted 8/22/2015 23:17 PM

I will add that understanding the behaviors (love bombing, mirroring) and what it is/was that made this person sooooo attractive to you (generous, giving, patient, forgiving, wholesome) is very important.

I believe that once you have attracted a NPD, you are likely to attract another. Being able to spot them and the reactions in yourself can prevent a repeat of becoming their victim.

sadone29 posted 8/26/2015 12:47 PM

hello tribe.

Sorry for all the new ones here. I'm trying to stay as distant from wh while in house separation. I find if I think about him too much, I'm too scared and preoccupied to keep working toward freedom. But sometimes I wonder if I go too far and I don't deal with things. I'm not being to hard on myself though. I know I'm just trying to survive and I'll be able to take all the time I want after to deal emotionally with all this.

I'm doing pretty well at having boundaries. He still tries to pull me into his world, but there is no part of me that is attracted to his life or what he does. On the contrary, I'm so repelled by him now.

After a year of being a new 'convert' and member of his church, he has grandiose plans. His church is encouraging him too. He wants to start on off shoot of the main church. Of course, he would eventually become the pastor of this one. It's not enough to be a simple, humble member of an organization. He must be at the top. He must be the savior.

It's all pretty messed up.

mainlyinpain posted 10/3/2015 03:07 AM

Hello All,
I haven't been on SI in a while and have not posted here yet....but find myself questioning....myself. I have been separated for a year and a half...not legally. Wer'e still in contact, he is seeking therapy....that isn't working. He started another Silent Treatment inJune and my nieces wedding was in July.

My son hasn't spoken to him in over a year....and did not want to attend wedding if he would be there. I tried to get him to respond to my inquiring his intentions and got no response so told my sister to take him off the guest list and told my son to book his flight to come.
Unbeknownst to me my family were persuading WH to come to the wedding, the church and the rehearsal dinner. MY BIL told him to come to church and sit in back so my son and I would not know he was there....and told him to come to the rehearsal dinner when I said I was too uncomfortable going and being questioned as to why WH wasn't there....most people don't know whole sordid story. Well, my son saw his car in the church parking lot and would not go in....he then had a panic attack in the car after I left to go in.

My sister deceived me about him being there, her husband arranging it. I stopped speaking to my sister....she actually didn't reply to me email asking her why she deceived me. I have an email I want to send to my BIL asking him how he could do this to me and my son. I am unable to press the send button because I don't know if I will just come off cray cray. He is actually a wonderful guy which is why i am just so hurt that he did this.

Should I send letter? Should I post here for you to decide? I am spinning.

fay72 posted 10/3/2015 14:17 PM

Hello everyone.
It's been a long time since I ' ve posted on this forum.
At first I posted in the " just found out" section.Anyway it seems I now belong to the tribe....
To cut a long story short I was in a relationship for 23 years, separated now for a year. Not quite sure exactly what he is NPD or malignant or HPD or sociopath or psycopath...
Found out over the years he had had several long term relationships with several different women.The latest is 23 .He's 48.Our eldest daughter is 18...They've been together 2 1/2 years now.
I feel like I ' ve been through hell and back but I survived
I ' ve no idea where I ' m going. I just take every day as it comes.I'm healing slowly but surely.

sadone29 posted 10/23/2015 11:02 AM

Wow, mainlyinpain, sorry to hear about what's going on. I don't know if I'd send a letter, though it's been a while since you posted, so maybe you've made a decision already.
I constantly wonder if I should stand up for myself or just back off and protect myself by not having certain people in my life. I think it's pretty crummy of your sister to not answer your email.

fay72, glad to hear that healing is happening. It's nice to hear from others when I have days where I feel like I'll never heal or be okay again.

sadone29 posted 10/23/2015 11:39 AM

So, since DDay, I've put one foot in front of the other for the kids' sake. I felt dead inside, and have been following my plan to become free of him for their sake. I pretty much resigned myself to be alone and protect myself from people for...well, for the rest of my life.

But, in the past few weeks, little things have been happening that have been surprising. I got my license, and have had a bit more freedom. I have to admit it, I'm enjoying it! I hate it when he's in the car when I'm driving. If I make the slightest mistake, he gets frustrated and it in turns stresses me out. I drive much more confidently on my own. I'm realizing this is probably going to be true for everything and I can't wait to be stable enough to move out.

What started as me living life for my kids seems to be starting to include me in the equation.

Something else happened yesterday, though I hesitate to write it down, since it seems like such a small, inconsequential thing. But here it goes.

I've been working part time in retail while I figure out what to do next. I treat everyone with respect and I've been called a really nice cashier by a few customers. I mostly connect with seniors because I feel that they aren't trying to hurt me or get anything out of me. Most others just want to buy their stuff and go home. I say my 'customer service' talk, get them what they need and let them go.

I admit, I guard myself mostly when around men (not trying to generalize here at all! I just no longer trust myself to not attract N's). Last night, a customer came in. We exchanged a few words and I actually made eye contact with him when saying goodnight. He smiled and said it back and left.

It was a simple interaction that I actually recognized as true. There was no superiority to his look, and I recognized real kindness. He wasn't 'hitting' on me, he wasn't looking for anything and there was no contempt in his eyes. He simply wished me a goodnight in honesty.

Again, I feel silly writing this, but it shows just how damaged I have been, where a simple act of kindness can affect me so much. I don't think I ever got that from H.

And it's really sad. I can see the real him now and can't unsee it. He feels superior, he feels entitled, and deep down, I really feel that he hates me.

But the fact that I am starting to be able to not see everyone as a potential danger is really huge for me.

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