SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

forget the part about being better than him. You did do that to your spouse.

Figure out why you guys rug swept both affairs and didn't deal with it. did you go to MC or IC?

was transparency in place on both sides?

Chefwife,

Can you look at WHY you need to feel better than him?

Being a madhatter is very difficult. R in that status is hard. Not placing ourselves as being better than our partner is one of the things that can make that possible.

Thank you. Both good points from both of you.

I think I know why we rug swept our EAs. I came clean of mine when I discovered his. We both were transparent about what happened for those things. And I felt as if I really understood why he did what he did. I was willing to overlook/forgive him for what he did. I guess he never really reacted to my EA as he was still engrossed in emotional reactions to being discovered, etc. We never went to any sort of MC or IC then. But now we are.

As for why I felt the need to feel better, I don't really feel the 'need' to feel like I am a better person than him. I was feeling really angry this morning. I felt like I had realized all of the wrong I was doing all those years ago and stopped it on my own. My anger over the past week was really eating at me right then and I felt superior.

When does this anger stop? =(

Ahhh the anger. That will go up and down for quite awhile. And don't be under any expectations of yourself at this point that it should go away. There is a legitimate reason for you to be angry. The key is in how you deal with that anger and that you not stuff it.

I know that right now you are looking at your EA and his EA and comparing how far you took it vs how far he took it. The thing that you need to look at is the fact that you allowed yourself to cross boundaries at all. If you have looked at all the reasons why that happened, and shored up and fixed all the coping mechanisms that were faulty that allowed that to happen, then you are probably ok at this point. If you have not done that digging, then at some point, it will need to happen. Right in the aftermath of your 2nd DD is probably not the best time.

Big hugs to you, I went through a 2nd DD with my own H, it is very hard.

Agreed. I'm no better or worse than my husband; I just had different motivations for my affair (revenge initially and it morphed into marriage-ending.) Betrayal is betrayal and I see no difference in the level of the breach of trust.

So DDay 2 was in January we are currently in house seperated and in limbo . BH wanted 6 months to figure out what he wanted. He has since since admitted to joining a dating site and texting and emailing OW. Don't think actually gone on date but spends all his time on phone texting.

Here is my struggle . He thinks its fine to have me do his errands cook and clean for him and then go upstairs and text .

I'm in IC reading trying to make up for what I have done but find it hard when I know what he is doing .

I keep telling myself I should pull away !

Last night I even gave him a massage . As soon as I finished he weren't in bathroom for 20 min to text .

So what do I do ?? Do I do the 180 ?? Pull away ?? Trying to work on myself but his behavior is making me ill.

I now on medication . I don't want to get angry I feel I have no right but won't be taken advantage of either .

Please I need advise from mad hatters

Soosorrymom, I'm too new to give advice but it seems to me that you're entitled to have deal breakers too and this sounds like one of them. Good luck to you as you sort this out.

sosorry,

I know it feels like you can't have boundaries right now because of what you did, but you can, and you need to.

I would recommend rather than doing the 180, start focusing on you, fixing you. Take your eyes off of him and what he is doing. That will be a sort of 180 but without all of the rules. Once you start working on you and deciding what is best for you right now and what your boundaries are, you will start to get some distance on this and you can better make a decision on what you want to do. Right now you are so close to it and have not drawn any boundaries because you feel that you have no rights.

When you start to work on you, you can start to see that you DO deserve better treatment than this, even though you cheated. Him going out and adding to this pile will not help your M. So the reasoning he is handing you right now is not sound. Your feelings are valid, so get into IC and get to work on you.

This is really the best advice I can give you. Luckily, I had been working on me for a good solid year before HL went out and cheated again. That gave me the knowledge that I did not deserve what he was doing, even though I had cheated. When it happens this close, as in your case it is a little harder.

Big hugs, this is not easy at all.

So basically I should ignore what he is doing and just work on me??? I was trying but so consumed by this I stopped.

I was in IC but we lost out Insuramce for next 3 months so I can't do that anymore .

What about my actions to him ? Do I still go out of my way or just do the basics of what's needed ? I feel like if I pull away too much he will go further in what he is doing but i also don't have it in me to be used

soosorrymom...

As explained earlier to you this morning via PM.

You are not a madhatter which prevents you from posting on this thread.

Thank you.

Sorry didn't see the PM

Hi there. Back to write an update, think of MH as my home, and sometimes it helps to think "out loud" or in writing.

I think my H really needs me to be his friend right now. So that's been going OK. It feels like with the change in perspective, a lot of pressure is suddenly gone. We're getting him ready to meet his sister's adoptive parents in a month and to visit his mother's grave. He's the type to obsess over details, so maybe he's looking for someone to listen and be just as excited or attentive over the details? He's finishing up his last class and it's in his worst subject, so trying to be supportive there without being his mother. Just showing interest without prying or bothering him too much.

Aside from that, trying to come up with a good list of duties I could perform that would contribute positively to our marriage. I wish I knew his main love language. It's not physical touch… I'm not sure how to narrow it down from the others. I thought it was gifts, and he always appreciated the ones I gave him (ones he explicitly asked for at that), but over the last two months, I noticed every day when he would receive a gift, he would go off on me later that night. Feeling a little shy about trying it again, and concerned about budget.

Hope everyone's doing well, keep on doing the work!

Sorry, realized I forgot to mention something big that's happened, and I mean to be accountable for my health.

I had kind of a setback recently and had something akin to a nervous breakdown. Couldn't stop thinking about the Golden Gate Bridge and felt very helpless. I called the on-call desk at the therapy center and got the support I needed, now just dealing with the aftereffects. It's been about two weeks now. Right now trying to rebuild my health, remembering DBT skills, reading a writer called Adyashanti that a friend likes, trying something brand-new and loving the voices in my head instead of fighting them all the time… Trying to focus on relearning healthy skills, taking accountability for my own emotions, backing away from unhealthy people, and being a better mother to my son. Finally found a firm way to deal with his hitting, and it's getting better. Playing with him a lot more too (play doh and balloons are the stuff of joy for Lil Silver! ). Slowly. Just got to remember that it doesn't all happen at once, it takes a while to get healthy. My goal is not to judge if it takes time, not to rush. That might well lead to incomplete healing. Gotta make sure to do it right. So right now is a rough personal time, but it's going to be OK. Didn't someone's tagline say: "It'll be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end"? Love that tagline.

G'night everyone. Take care

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

Hi Silver,

Great to hear from you!

First off, I am so glad that you sought out help when you were feeling that way. You are so important to us here, and I can't imagine how important you are to your son. If it helps at all, I have had to seek out similar help, and I am glad that I did. So, really great job on using the tools and resources you have at hand. That is called survival, and I am so glad you chose that route.

I think my H really needs me to be his friend right now. So that's been going OK. It feels like with the change in perspective, a lot of pressure is suddenly gone.

There really is a lot of power to be gained by letting go of expectations of other people, isn't there? As long as you are continuing to keep your long term goals of your own happiness into account, I see no problem with this. I feel there have been times in my marriage where my wife and I have been more 'friends' than anything. Those periods of time seem to have been phases more than anything, and we've always drifted back into that territory of 'friends and lovers', which is my ultimate goal, marriage-wise.

He's the type to obsess over details, so maybe he's looking for someone to listen and be just as excited or attentive over the details?

I think that is probably what he is looking for in you right now. I'd guess that if he is the type to obsess over the details that he has a fair amount of anxiety over them. Sometimes talking through those details over and over again is the best way to alleviate the anxiety about those details.

I wish I knew his main love language. It's not physical touch… I'm not sure how to narrow it down from the others.

Could it be words of affirmation and quality time? It sounds to me like you are already giving a lot of both of those. Have you talked to him about how you feel about him going off on you when you buy him a gift?

How are things continuing to go with your son? Sounds like you are making a lot of progress there. He is so lucky to have you in his life.

Things are going pretty good here, for the most part. There was some stress around the Easter holiday regarding family interactions, and some current stress about my wife's cousin who has cancer. My wife really does not handle familial stress very well, and it ties directly in to her coping mechanisms in the past. Comparison of now versus then, she has gotten a lot better at coping in (mostly) healthy ways. The main thing that comforts me is that I don't have any doubts about her fidelity. That part of her seems to have changed 100%.

As far as my own coping mechanisms are concerned, I've been cutting back a lot on my drinking, and making great strides at it. I've been focusing a lot more on gardening and activities with my son. My head has been a lot clearer this week, too. As a side affect, I really haven't had any desire to smoke. I haven't had a cigarette since Sunday. Yay! Good stuff!

Hope everyone is doing well, and is gearing up for a nice weekend.

Thank you so much, Losfer. You all here on SI have supported and taught me so much, and I'm so thankful for that. You guys all taught me that health really is #1. And yes, my son is my whole world. He's my Number One reason why I'm keeping it together.

I wrote way too much now. Sorry about that. To summarize: I tried to talk to him about his getting angry on the same days I'd given him gifts, but I can't remember the resolution on there. I think he tried to say there wasn't a connection and it wasn't intentional and he loves all the gifts.

My son is doing OK, still working on the hitting, but he knows how much both of us love him.

The suicidal thoughts aren't here now, but I'm still feeling very depressed. In general, but also I have more and more accidents when I'm depressed: the most recent one is that I ruptured my left eardrum last Thursday. Just need my caseworker to give me a nice neat To Do list to keep functioning and feeling like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Making a list of all the ways to help H. I am having trouble kissing him, dressing up nicely for him, and responding to his compliments and flirting. Haven't gotten past the "not his best" thing. Also worried about the sexual abuse he endured and all the things he's going through in getting his family back but losing both his parents. Worried about how he's healing, need to make this a safe time for him. So simultaneous feelings of upset because I'm not special to him, and also extreme worry about his mental health. Need to NOT be selfish right now. His health is priority. I'm a list person, I need numbered lists or guides with steps to stay on track.

Things are going pretty good here, for the most part. There was some stress around the Easter holiday regarding family interactions, and some current stress about my wife's cousin who has cancer. My wife really does not handle familial stress very well, and it ties directly in to her coping mechanisms in the past. Comparison of now versus then, she has gotten a lot better at coping in (mostly) healthy ways. The main thing that comforts me is that I don't have any doubts about her fidelity. That part of her seems to have changed 100%.

It sounds like from what you've posted before that some of her family members really hurt her. I can see why any sort of interaction with them would bring up a lot of tension. How do you two cope now, and how is it going?

As far as my own coping mechanisms are concerned, I've been cutting back a lot on my drinking, and making great strides at it. I've been focusing a lot more on gardening and activities with my son. My head has been a lot clearer this week, too. As a side affect, I really haven't had any desire to smoke. I haven't had a cigarette since Sunday. Yay! Good stuff!

That is good stuff! It's hard to quit either alcohol or cigarettes. Sounds like you are channeling your energy in a positive way with gardening and your son! What all are you guys growing? When you were drinking or smoking, was it in response to stress?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:10 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)]

So i suppose its time to start posting in the divorce side of things.

On a lighter note...hi everyone...and goodbye.

Moved to albuquerque...

shes long gone. Has not even talked to the kids. In a month

divorce clicking along .............

Good heavens. Its been almost a year now.

I truly did not realize that...

Compared to some, this has been easy.

Really not much in the drama deptartment.

Ehhhh...who am i kidding.

I started it.

U fine mdhttrs keep going.

Luva ya alla.

Take care, EH. I'm sorry things didn't work out as you had hoped with your wife. Here's to brighter horizons on your future.

You are always welcome to check back in with us on this thread. You can also PM me at any time.

Best of luck!

Kooll. Thx. Los, i aint goin to far. Just over to the divorce section or new beginings. Maybe. Oddly enough i like the quiet.