It all depends on the type of fight it is, and how far it escalates. If I feel my wife is being irrational and abusive, then I feel it sets me back quite a ways. It takes longer and longer to recover from those types of fights, because I question what I am working so hard for. When we are fighting over regular things that couples tend to fight about, it is usually over really quickly, we come to a mutually reasonable agreement, and I feel like that process actually brings us close together. To answer your other question, there are still a few affair and paternity-related things that are difficult for me to talk about.
Abusive… that word always means a red flag to me. When you are feeling abused, does she deny it (do you two disagree on what's abusive so it's harder for you to be heard)? Is it something you guys have talked about? That's a serious matter, I think. If any one partner feels abused, then they can't feel safe in their relationship. And I know that's why we're all here - but if you're feeling abused, that's important to address and nip in the bud. Is it under certain circumstances where it seems to come up, or is it a general thing?
Yeah, this healing is a life-long deal, isn't it? Hope it'll gradually get easier for you to talk about the harder stuff and find your voice. Sometimes that's the hardest part, because there is so much pain to acknowledge.
This is a fine line with a child in the house. There are some things you just don't want your children to see or hear. On the other hand, if you are having a healthy argument, then I think it is beneficial to your child to see to adults debate and come to a healthy conclusion.
Definitely agree. In recent cases, it hasn't been a healthy argument unfortunately. I wish they were, because it's important that Lil Silver learn those healthy skills. But the arguments seem to differ from healthy ones in that healthy arguments have the undercurrent of respect, but the ones we've been having have one of disrespect. The other day Mr. Silver had an episode, scared me pretty bad, so I responded by keeping calm and trying to reality-test with him. He always apologizes the next morning, but in the moment his anger is terrifying. He kicked a shelf pretty hard and the slamming things around is something I've asked him to stop doing. He was going pretty well, so when he kicked the shelf - even more eggshells. Don't feel that's safe to be around. I didn't rugsweep, called attention to it instead. Fortunately he left the room on his own. It's been a couple of nights. I'm trying to come up with a good plan for the next time I sense either of us escalating. I know there are a lot of things on his plate that's making it difficult as well, and it was the wrong time for me to bring up certain subjects. I think my questioning him about some A-related things a few nights ago might have triggered him, and he wanted to retaliate. It's something he's always done, even before I became a MHer in our relationship.
For now, we need to focus on the things he's remembering from his childhood and early adulthood, the abuse, the abandonment, his feelings around all of it, all the stuff around meeting his family again and mourning his parents, the new addiction he has (alcohol), and our son obviously. To be honest, when he's not drinking, he's on the phone or texting with his sister (which is good, they're reconnecting, but it's also kinda triggery, but it feels douchey to bring it up), so it feels like Lil Silver and I are on our own more than before - maybe a good thing. Our relationship can and should wait, and he said something to me the other night that made it clear I'm on my own with my issues (the ones around both our infidelities). But for the first time, I truly feel I can handle them myself and go forward without asking him any more about it or looking for any more validation. He made me see that it's something he can never give, and that makes sense.
I think the key here is perhaps detaching your self worth from him, and maybe placing it on yourself. Be your own dream girl!
Sound advice! For a long time I thought 'dream girl' was about what I could be to Mr Silver, but now it's about rediscovering plants and creative writing (and being a mom), that rush from geeking out over all things botany related and writing stories and reading TVtropes, lol. Being your own 'dream girl' / 'dream guy' has to make you feel alive and inside your skin, not someone else, as long as it isn't hurting anyone. That's one thing no one should have to compete on.
Sorry for rambling. Happy return of Spring everyone.
ETA: Goal is to return here once I've read at least one chapter of Codependent No More. Gotta do the work! No excuses.
ETA again: Sorry, came back and clarified a bit more on question about abusive, hadn't worded it right.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:39 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]