I think if you see it as abusive, then it's something for her to look closer at. It's important that you don't get invalidated. Maybe by looking closer at how you're feeling and validating you, it might also help her examine some of the abuse she went through as a child and validate her own experiences, and find common ground and compassion for both experiences. Is the childhood abuse something she's been exploring?
I completely agree with you that it is something that needs to be looked at. Continually, actually. My wife has addressed many of the things she went through during her childhood in IC, and through her own personal research and reading. I'm probably not going to talk about it too much more here, because she is a member here. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she does decide to come back here and read/post some more. One thing I will say is that she has been working very hard the last several weeks on her anger management, and not "blowing up". She has made noteworthy improvements, and I'm actually really proud of her for this, because I can see that it is a struggle for her, and I can see that she is making some very visible changes.
How was your vacation? Hope you all had a good time!
The vacation was fantastic, thanks! We stayed local, so I guess it was more of a "staycation"? Got a lot of stuff done around the house, caught up on some much needed sleep, and had a few fun family outings. It was really refreshing for all of us.
About three days ago, my H said nasty/scary things late at night again. I told him that if he's really sorry about doing it (he apologizes the next morning and then does it again a day later), then don't do it for a week. He hasn't done it in three days so far. But there have been other things happening, and everything else caught up - feeling very depressed right now. Going to "think my way out of it" later, but for right now, just trying to accept it. Using those fabulous DBT skills.
I can't really speak to the DBT skills, although I have heard it is a really powerful, yet intensive therapy. I'd say definitely to use those skills that you've learned from DBT to the best of your ability. It sounds like you really did a fantastic job at staying cool and collected, and standing your ground. Has the depression gotten any better? Sending you many kind thoughts as far as that in particular is concerned...
I wish I could set up boundaries around A-talks with H, but he sticks to his guns that neither of us cheated, nothing happened with him and other girls, and therefore there's nothing to talk about. Complete and utter denial and minimization. Unfortunately, after four and a half years of this, I think it's time to accept that I will be healing from this alone. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
That really sucks that you are carrying this weight on your own, Silver. One thing that I am impressed with is that you are continuing with your own healing anyway. Throughout my own experience, and what I've witnessed from others here, that really seems to be the healthiest path, no matter the outcome. You may not be able to heal your marriage or relationship on your own, but one thing you do have control over is your own healing. That definitely does not have to be a bad thing. That is a sign of strength. I've read a lot of your posts over the last couple of years, and I can see you healing, and see your strength shine through. Definitely keep up with that.
Damn, I broke my rule again.
You know... it's okay to vent if you ever need to. I understand your personal rules, but sometimes you just have to get this stuff off of your chest, even if you are just talking things through with yourself.
He did it again last night, started in on me. When he did, I was too angry to speak, so it ended sooner than usual. Now he's asking what we fought about last night.
This sounds to me like it is probably related to his alcohol usage. I'm not quite sure how to advise you here. If he has had too much and is not listening to reason, it is okay to draw your boundaries and disengage for the evening. Maybe shelve things until the next day? Perhaps you could even write down what he is angry about, and let him know you aren't playing games, it is late at night, and you'd prefer to talk about it tomorrow? I'm just kind of grasping at straws here, trying to help you figure out how to deal with the situation. Definitely take or leave whatever suggestions I come up with.
Still angry with him, so trying to think of solutions. I think no longer engaging when it happens might help. I don't want to feed the dance.
I think you might be right that some form of detachment or disengagement might be key here.
How have things been going the last day or so?
Seasickyetdocked - You still with us? Hope things are going well.
ETA: Edited for grammatical discombobulation.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:40 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]