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Fear vs. reality

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hurtyetstrong posted 4/8/2014 08:44 AM

thanks phmh, needed this!

deena posted 4/8/2014 13:26 PM

Thank you for this post.

I just read all 5 pages.

I am finally starting the separation.

It is good to see so many of my fears that others also have and to read their reality.

I already do so many of the things others fear.
I was also a SAHM. But for all of those years while the kids were little and in school I volunteered in the schools.
Now I am working casual (busy casual) as a teachers asst with special needs kids.
I have just finally told a friend I am separating. (She is married to a lawyer who gave me some names of good lawyers). I have known her since grade 1 and she is still a very good friend. She is so supportive....I just felt too embarrassed to tell any one.
I am also preparing to tell my kids about the separation AND now, after getting a good lesson from many here on SI on a post of mine, I am getting ready to tell them about the affair. I thought I was doing the good parent thing by keeping it from them. The youngest is 17 .

Thanks again for this post phmh!

nowiknow23 posted 4/24/2014 12:59 PM


Klove posted 4/24/2014 13:03 PM

Thanks NIK.

MadeOfScars posted 4/24/2014 13:13 PM

Thanks for the bump! So glad to have found this post.

nowiknow23 posted 4/24/2014 13:46 PM

I realized after I bumped this that I never posted to it before. Oops.

My biggest baddest fear was that my children's lives would be destroyed. That they would be irrevocably damaged by the separation, the divorce, having to leave the house they'd grown up in...

The second fear? Was that wasband would end up with someone who treated my kids poorly or came between them and their father. That he would let the kids down again and again by continuing down a selfish path. That my kids would feel replaced by OW, or by step children or even new children (OW was significantly younger).

The reality, the clear unvarnished truth? My kids WERE affected. Of course they were. They struggled, they grieved, they vented, but most importantly, they healed.

They opened up with me and trusted friends and family. They worked with counselors. They made mistakes, they learned hard lessons, and they healed more.

They are stronger, smarter, and more emotionally healthy than I could have hoped for. They continue to work on building healthier relationships with their father, and they have chosen to discontinue some relationships with his family that were not healthy or supportive. Big steps, especially for teenagers.

Wasband is remarried. His new wife (who was NOT an OW) is a strong, intelligent, loving and supportive woman who not only ADORES my kids, she GETS THEM. She speaks to them of how lucky they are to have such a remarkable mother. Seriously. And her family is huge, supportive, and wonderful to my kids. They suddenly have tons of new aunts, uncles, and cousins who are great people.

Adding to that, Wasband is a better father than he has ever been, and I think a LOT of that is down to Mrs. Wasband. I feel like my kids have won the lottery with this family addition. They tell me "new wife's family is ALMOST as cool as yours, Mom. ALMOST." And it fills me with such joy and relief to know that they have so many people in their lives who love them. I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out.

mytwosonsdc posted 4/24/2014 14:47 PM

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

justinpaintoday posted 4/24/2014 15:28 PM

Wow that felt good to read. Very inspiring

Klove posted 4/24/2014 17:15 PM

I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out

When I read this I am filled to the brim with hope.

@My2sonsdc - I think many people on this forum, like me, worked tooth and nail to try and save their marriage and when they finally got to D there was no other place to go. In fact, I think most of us would say we didn't fear it as a mistake- we wished we had done it sooner.


phmh posted 4/26/2014 18:49 PM

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

I remember several posts in D/S and NB where the regret question was asked and no one responded affirmatively.

I know that I did worry about that initially -- my XWH wanted to R, so it was my decision about what path I wanted to go down. I chose D after much deliberation. People in my family do not get divorced, and I didn't want to be embarrassed as a chump who paid for her cheater to become a doctor and then abandoned. I *almost* stayed.

But my life is so amazing now, it's almost surreal. The only time I think about my ex is when I think about how great my life is now compared to how it would have been. There are so many good, honest people in the world, and when you excise the loser cheaters from your life, you make room for them. I would have continued to exist in what I thought was happiness had he not cheated, but his cheating allowed me to look and my life and reexamine what I wanted.

Deciding to divorce was the hardest decision I ever made. I am so happy that my parents raised me in such a way as to have enough self-respect to do so.

I thought I was so happy in my marriage and so luck to have a great guy. But I am so much happier now, I can't believe it. Strangers approach me on the street to comment on how beautiful I am or on my smile.

I have an amazing BF who treats me better than my XWH ever did. And even if things don't work out with him, I know I'll be OK.

My main message is that you shouldn't make decisions out of fear. There is so much more to life!!! Think of your future self and make decisions accordingly!

nowiknow23 posted 4/30/2014 17:37 PM


IWantDoOver posted 5/12/2014 13:15 PM

bumping for starmoonchild

southsidecali posted 5/12/2014 15:04 PM

saving to add later, loving all these

norabird posted 5/20/2014 14:36 PM


kg201 posted 5/20/2014 14:46 PM

I appreciate NIK's post from the other week. Wish my X's OM's family was that way. I don't think she is introducing the kids to them yet, but one day. OM's ex-wife is telling me they are a piece of work, so not much to look forward to.

phmh posted 6/10/2014 20:03 PM

Bumping for new people in D/S or for those contemplating such.

phmh posted 6/27/2014 16:03 PM

Seeing new faces in D/S again, so bumping.

meleanoro posted 7/7/2014 02:44 AM

Bump, and...

My biggest fear is my H royally screwing me in a D. (Mainly financially but also stalling, dragging, lawsuit threats,etc). :/

Acer0112 posted 7/7/2014 07:59 AM

Thanks for this thread, I'm not far enough out to realize my realities yet, but this made me truly think what my biggest fears are, and a lot of what has been said gives me hope.

Fear: that I will not be able to find a good paying job with benefits, and if I do, how to balance a full time job and the kids schedules to not cause too much hardship on their "normal", I'm a SAHM with part time job on and off.

Fear: how this impacts my kids emotionally and long term. They were blindsided with the end as I was, we were a great family unit with no signs of unhappiness, low point yes, but not the end. They are 11 and 13, teen years will be tough.

Fear: that I will not find myself and will not be interesting and fun for the kids and myself. I lost myself along the way and WH was the fun adventurous planner, what if my kids want to be with him more, he has the big family, the cousins on his side, the adventures?

Fear: that I will not be able to love again like I loved WH. And to feel wanted and loved back.

Reality: I am finally realizing I loved my life as I thought unconditional love included the low point we were in, but I now see I wasn't treated like a truly loved wife for a long time, which made me an unloving person back. we turned toxic for each other with bad communication. Both felt depressed. I deserve to be treated better, to build self esteem, to not feel unloved, unappreciated, crushed.

Fear: that he is right, that we couldn't fix our marriage, and him giving up proves to him the OW and divorce is the best thing he ever did. Rubs it in that I have issues. We all do, but I wonder if I have real personality issues no one else will accept.

Reality: It is hard to admit, I wanted to fight to the end to make our marriage better, and I don't want to admit yet that we were not right. I think it was fixable if OW didn't happen. With A, he is right, we can't fix our marriage now and I know I will realize that I can be happier in time. But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.

meleanoro posted 7/7/2014 09:48 AM

But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.

This is so hard...when our SOs cannot see their own irrationality.

I haven't fully figured out why this is an issue for me. Why does what he thinks still matter?

I suspect it comes down to me not feeling like enough. Not important enough, not worth enough to fight for. And that really stings.

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