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Tactical Primer

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Ksm44 posted 12/30/2015 14:17 PM

Right ON

WiseGirl19 posted 2/19/2016 19:17 PM

You give me hope. Thank you for such an insightful post. It's a slow road but I'll get there...with or without my WS.

TheWinoAndIknow posted 2/22/2016 17:01 PM

This hits the mark on all levels - thank you! Exactly what I need right now.

bbyg98 posted 3/24/2016 01:36 AM

WOWW awesome post!!

sicatrose posted 3/25/2016 20:08 PM

Thanks so much for this. I already see I am making mistakes, like belittling and bringing up the affair during unrelated arguments. I know it is wrong and I am trying, but sometimes I just want him to hurt like he hurt me. We tried MC and it was a disaster. I felt like I was being attacked by our therapist, like it was my fault my husband had a 2 year EA/PA with a drug addict/prostitute. I don't know if I want to to try again with a new therapist. I am on an emotional roller-coaster but trying my best to take the advice of others who have been there.

ShivaAteMyHeart posted 4/14/2016 11:58 AM

It would seem I have failed at some of the tent poles of R and beg your advice on what to do now:

"- Avoid spending too much time together to try and force recovery."

- My H and I share a car, cellphone at the moment, and spend literally every moment besides work between 9-5 together and have for over 10 years. The A was a ONS b4 we were married that he told me about in anger (though he says he regrets doing it that way)

"- A. Donít just try to move forward and forget Ė this issue must be addressed although not the exclusion of everyday life.
- B. Avoid bringing up the affair repeatedly for anything not related to the affair, and do not belittle your spouse."

- These two are a paradox for me. In trying to not rugsweep (A) I seem to do B repeatedly when what happened was 10 years ago and my H has said he has told me all he can remember from this one episode (I can confirm at least that it was not an ongoing thing and trust that I do not delude myself, quite the contrary, I pain shop and belittle when he could of taken this to his grave. I feel like our situation is different so maybe I'm not asking the right questions? We spend quite literally every moment besides work together (bad I know) though I want to do A and take a step back but am worried he'll see that as me pushing away which I believe in his mind will cause a divide between us similar to what allowed the ONS to happen in the first place when we were BF/GF 10 years ago. He says we are married now so its different but I call BS.

Do any wayward spouses truly believe that things that happened b4 marriage are negligible? Or that if 1 thing did happen and that brought so much guilt that it never happened again and they were quasi-good as a result then maybe it mitigates the betrayal?

During this time is when it happened, we literally spent 5 nights at most apart though so it kills me cuz I knew something was off then. We have lived together (with my family) most of these 11 years excluding 2 months, 9 months into our relationship when this ONS occurred. I hesitate to tell my full story but the implications behind a lot of what happened then speaks volumes still I think. My H keeps saying he was a dumb kid, yet at the time we met he was living by himself at 16/17 and sure acted/boasted that he was an adult.

Sorry for rambling. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

October18 posted 4/24/2016 21:14 PM

I wish I had read this post 6 months ago. Thank you for posting!

Playedforfool posted 5/15/2016 16:25 PM

I'm happy I found this site four days after I cought my wife and AP together. The advice I have received and the healing library are very helpful.

Morris posted 7/13/2016 11:18 AM

I do not see how they affair down when they , themselves, are already the dregs. Maybe relative to the BS they have affaired down, but water seeks its own level.

Brisee posted 8/10/2016 19:12 PM

Thank you! That really helps. It doesn't stop the pain but helps me believe that I will make it, however the outcome.

AllButGone posted 10/2/2016 07:11 AM

I wish I had had this information years ago when I first found anything out. #5 would have been especially helpful. I really raised some hell but I am no longer that person. I have managed to get control of my anger.

Somedaymaybe1 posted 10/9/2016 20:56 PM

Thank you so much. He keeps blaming me and is more worried about his reputation than me. It is a relief to see this is normal behavior. Does it ever get better though? Does the WS ever get past this? How?

Pinklady posted 10/11/2016 10:11 AM

Wow what a great support system thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and ideas this will help me get through this thank you so much I will answer each and everyone of you

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer people so bear with me I'm reading as much as I can but thank you all for your support

Pinklady posted 10/11/2016 10:13 AM

Wow what a great support system thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and ideas this will help me get through this thank you so much I will answer each and everyone of you

I'm still trying to figure out how to answer people so bear with me I'm reading as much as I can but thank you all for your support

Nooneleft posted 10/13/2016 15:39 PM

Thank you... I have made many mistakes through this... my anger definitely got the best of me... I have many regrets. Not proud moments.
But I am trying. 7 days later... after learning about not 1 but 2 women... I have come here after a Google search.
And have a ic today.
This site has been my lifeline for 24 hours

brokenhurtalaska posted 10/17/2016 18:39 PM

I keep rereading this post. It is excellent.

hurtbutresilient posted 10/19/2016 13:18 PM

So happy I found you! My D-day was yesterday uncovered by an abnormal Pap smear that showed HPV infection (follow up STD tests in two days).As I have only been intimate with my husband (married 35 years), there was no doubt my husband had been unfaithful.

Needless to say, the last 26 hours have been a roller coaster. He cancelled his patients and came home and we spent hours talking. Finally confessed he had visited a massage parlor. I went to a woman's college, so the thought of him shackling with a prostitute is beyond repugnant to me, as is his confession he regularly uses porn.

What will be most difficult for me to regain is respect for him, essential for a reconciliation (as will be his own self-respect). I can sift through information and educate myself, but this is very raw. Fortunately, I found a therapist that might be able to help clear the thicket. As most of my friends are "couple" friends or live in another country, I know I will need all the support I can get.

burcm posted 10/28/2016 20:02 PM

I am soo happy to have found this site. It is like therapy and helps so much with my current emotional states. Thank you very much.

burcm posted 10/31/2016 05:21 AM

Terrific post. I know that I do pursue some of the advice here (unknowingly, in fact - and now I know) and yet I see there is more to pay attention to. Thank you so much.

Badblood posted 1/12/2017 00:06 AM

My WH confirmed an A that happened 27 yrs ago while we were engaged. He finally told me 5 months ago after 27 yrs of lying to my face every time I asked about it. I knew something happened back then and I could never let it go. Every so often over the years, something would trigger me and I would bring it up, just to be made to feel I was crazy. Now, after 5 months of learning most of the truth, he is getting frustrated with me for not being able to let it go. I've explained I need time and how confused I am about this relationship and he said he understood. Now he says he can't live like this. He wants to be with me but he feels like he's on a chopping block just waiting for the axe to fall. I dealt with emotional torture for 27 years and after 5 months, he can't take it!? Hes walking around here moping and sad when I'm the one who was betrayed all these years. I want to tell him to just leave but I'm trying to be rational. Me feeling sorry for him and caving in had worked for him in the past. Not this time.

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