SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

esmdqt, You've received great posts here from both BS and WS (we have awesome people here). My first post to you I asked about the physical being your only topic. You replied you honestly didn't know. I do know men and women are different, but if you have read the posts in this (WS) forum most of what you see is unbelievable struggles and remorse for the pain we've caused our BS's and family. We do go through withdrawals and many speak openly of missing what they got from the OP but they also recognize the cost and that it really isn't real. I don't see any of that from you. That's why I stated that we need to know more before we can really help. If you're a truly remorseful WS and are struggling with all aspects of the A but this was a seperate question you wanted help with, or if you're a WS that was sexually attracted to the OW, probably got dumped, and are clinging to your BS to give you support as you lick your wounds. If the latter is the case, I really doubt if any of us can help. There is truly no judgement on these forums and they are open to anyone that needs help and guidance, but I truly believe both the WS and BS's that post here are looking for answers to much deeper issues, support in growth, and yes some here do S and D and they get much support on their way as well. Your BS deserves an H that is dedicated to finding the cause of his A and giving her 110% of his effort in fixing the damage you and the A have done to her. If you don't have that in mind, perhaps you should let her go so she can find the love she deserves. I see you're in IC which is great, but are you there to discuss working on you or are they helping you get over the OW as well. I'm truly not trying to judge, just trying to understand where you're coming from... I guess I posted before I read your post...it looks like you recognize the value your BS brings to you, but you're not "grown up" enough to appreciate it yet. You can't lick all the chocolates in the box so no one else gets to have one. If you're trying to work on that we'll help any way we can. We're all works in progress.

[This message edited by tessad at 9:29 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Roberta,

Thanks for your response. I didn't take it as judgemental, and even if it were, I can take it. Maybe I need some judgments to be made about me to get me through this stuff.

But, your description about it being stale is dead on for me. My mind has been everywhere trying to figure this out, and I go with one thing one day and then by the next week it doesn't make sense anymore. Let me try to make a couple of points, and I hope they make sense, and someone will help me.

1. The one thing about my affair was that I did see the bad parts of the OW. Not every day, not all day, I'll give you that. But, I was her "boyfiend." When she was sick. I was there. When she had a period, I was there.

2. That's a great point you make about the build up of sexual energy. After the initial newness of the affair wore off and we no longer worked together, there would be days that the sexual energy would build up. At first, we were together all day every day. After we decided that she had to get another job, then we would see each other 2-3 days/week usually. We would spend maybe 1 weekend every 3 months together. During that whole time, the sexual energy would build up. Probably a very enlightening thing is that when I would spend weekends together with the OW, I would miss my wife terribly. I could be having the greatest sex in the world for 3-4 days, and I couldn't wait to get home to my wife.

3. Seriously, I can't tell you how much your story is similar to mine, especially the part about the "blowjob that wouldn't quit anytime, anywhere." My wife is loving and sweet, and not a virgin bride, but definitely had much less experience than the OW. The OW was just a complete temptress in every way. (I hate saying that because I know it makes me sound like an incredibly weak man, and there is no question that I am or at least I was when this started.)

I know it would have gotten old and different, and if I would have gone with her, I would have probably had another affair or ended up begging my wife to give me another chance. But, its easy to tell yourself that and understand it from an intellectual perspective, but its much more difficult to convince what seem to be my uncontrollable desires of the same thing, if that makes any sense.

PS: Your despcription of your wife and OW were physical decriptions, how they affect you sexually. Not a word about whether you love/like, admire either one of them.

Your BS must feel very rejected if you don't even want to kiss her. Women are highly intuitive. If she is as beautiful as you say she would be a great target for a predator OM. Think about it.

That's a great point about how I focused on their physical descriptions. When I have sex with my wife, we "made love." When I had sex with the other woman, we were "f'ng." With my wife, there is an immediate emotional connection. With the other woman, it was "How long before we can do this again?" To be honest, until I met the other woman, sex for me was an emotional thing. Now, after 2 1/2 years, I honestly fear that sex has become nothing other than physical for me. That's something I desperately want to fix.

I have to be fair to the story of the affair though. While I was in it, the other woman and I had an intense emotional connection. We were best friends, or so I thought. I was her support, she was mine. It was as much like a real relationship (at least in our minds) as one could be. It was almost as if we had two separate affairs going on -- the physical affair and the emotional affair. It was almost like they were completely separate from one another. I miss her greatly, but the part that I'm having the hardest time getting over and recreating with my wife is the physical aspect of it.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 9:53 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

May I ask, is it her choice not to be sexual in the way you crave? Or does she hold back because of your approach and attitudes?

I have to admit,in my M we don't have the "porno sex" that I'd love to ramp up because of my H's attitudes toward me as a wife. He doesn't suffer from madonna-whore complex. It appears he doesn't want me to vanilla bland, yet, he doesn't want me too up front either.

I walk the razor's edge.

That's really tough for me to answer. I think she would do whatever in the world I asked her to do. But, its just not her. My wife, by nature, is not the kind of person that is highly sexual. That is fine. I knew that when I asked her to marry me, and I loved her greatly then and had no doubts. But, the best way I can describe is that for some people driving fast is going 90 mph, and for others its 130 mph. My wife would think that she's being overly sexual by going 90 mph. The OW seemed to cruise along at 90 mph and would crank it up to 130 mph when she got in the mood. (I'm so sorry if that example offends anyone. Its the best I can do.) They were just different people sexually. I was fine with my wife's sexuality, until I got a taste of the other woman's, and now I'm just having a hard time going back to it. Right now, I want my wife to be like the other woman sexually, but its just not her. I feel like it would be like me trying to write left-handed, and its an adjustment back to reality that I need to make.

You bring up Madonna-whore complex, which is interesting. I've read some about it, and it doesn't fit me. My wife is nothing like my mother. In fact, she's the complete opposite. In reality, the relationship that I had with the OW was much more similar with the relationship I have with my mother (hot and cold, a lot of drama, arguing, etc.). Also, it doesn't fit, because I did have a very close emotional affair with the other woman, which I understand is not typical of how one would feel about the "whore" (and I say that only as it is used in the psychological term).

But, I feel like my wife is my family and my best friend, moreso than as a sexual partner. Before the affair, we were both isolated completely in our marriage. We rarely spent time away from one another. We were one another's sole support for the other. I was her best friend, her shopping partner (even though I hate it), etc. She was my best friend, my football watching buddy (even though she hates it), etc. I've learned from IC that it is very difficult to play every emotional role that the your partner needs and still fill the physical need. For example, my IC told me that its a very strong stimulant to see your wife get hit on by another man. We were completely isolated from that because we were always together and usually alone. I feel like 2 1/2 years ago that is where we got to, and rather than having the affair, I should have started working to fix it then. So, I need to fix that now, and its only about a million times more difficult because of the comparison that I can't stop making with the affair. I know that is totally unfair to the marriage, and I hope I get over that soon, but that's where I am right now.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 10:12 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Hi - who ended this affair and how, and how long ago did it end? Do you still have contact of any sort with OW?

I understand that she's right, but I would love to know that I can go back to being happy with having "good married sex" which is something that seems pretty ordinary right now.

Just wanted to chime in and let you know you're not alone. FWW here, I struggle with this as well. I guess the positive is that FBH and I talked about this just this very week and he understood.

Kwills

esmdqt, I see much more than at first. Your honest posts are helpful. You mention your OW is more like your relationship with you mother...hot cold...that struck a huge cord with me as that's been a real problem of mine my whole life. My mother died without us ever having "fixed" our relationship and we are so often drawn to relationships that are familiar (even if they're not healthy) especially if that relationship was with a primary care giver...could that be a dynamic as well? And you are soooo right about fixing the problem in the M prior to having an A...we all wish we could unring that bell. It complicates the healing process so much and adds all the guilt and remorse for the A on top of it!!!

[This message edited by tessad at 10:27 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Hi - who ended this affair and how, and how long ago did it end? Do you still have contact of any sort with OW?

The affair ended right at the first of the year. There is no actual contact with her. I did continue to make contact with her for a while after the end, even though I didn't realize it was contact at the time. I would visit online profiles of hers on occasion just to look at pictures of her. I realize now that is contact, and I have done that it in about 2-3 weeks. Today, for example, I'm dying to do it again, but I won't let myself.

The more difficult question is who ended it. The simple answer is she did. The more difficult answer is that I tried about 20 times over 2 1/2 years, and always came back. She used various ways to always get me back. She got fired and needed me, she had a lump in her breast and needed me, her mother had a real lump in her breast and she needed me, her grandmother had cancer and she needed me, she twice told me that her OB/GYN said she might have cervical cancer and she needed me, etc. Other times she would use the threat of telling my wife or my employer as a means for re-establishing contact. Those always brought me back, but I have to be honest. I wanted to go back to her. I was addicted to her. Even if she didn't try that stuff, I would miss her or get horny and want to see her.

Having said all of that, this is basically how it ended. We got into a huge fight in early December. I told her it was over. She came back about a week later and begged me to see her, and I told her I didn't want to. About a week later, we started just chatting over email and I started missing her. Then over Christmas I really started missing her. I tried to get her back. She had just spent her 3rd Christmas in a row alone, and I think she had had enough. So, I tried to get her back, and she said that I needed to stay out of her life. I tried to change her mind for about 5 days, and I haven't spoken with her since.

I know that's a much longer answer than you probably wanted, but it tells the story. But, again, the quick answer is that she ended it.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 10:46 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Sounds to me like you simply miss fucking OW.

But if you think you can't go back to having simple married sex, then you need to let your wife know this. It's unfair to your wife to not let her know how you feel. Furthermore, this would fall under your needs. She can't fulfill your needs if you don't let her know what they are.

I agree with Bulldozer. You have to decide whether sex with the OW is more important to you than your wife. You are not being fair to her. How is she coping with all of this or does she even know?

The OW sounded from your description somewhat manipulative and a committed relationshp cannot last if it is based on only great sex. Affair sex will also become married sex in the future if you re-connect.

You have big decisions to make for both yourself and your wife. SHE should be the most important thing to you and if she is not you must end your relationshp now for all your sakes.

realistically passion is TOUGH to keep alive

but in the end, it is usually the emotional connection that supercedes the physical connection. that said, are you able to emotionally connect with your wife?

you can be attracted to someone based on what's inside, not outside. that said, is your wife beautiful on the inside?

good luck. take care. i would not tell your wife how you are feeling....although i support full honesty when it comes to infidelity. i don't think you should tell her that you don't find her attractive....

Gemini,

I haven't told my wife very much, and I think its a wise decision in this case. To be honest, I think part of the reason the other woman was able to be so sexy was the confidence that she had that she was sexy. My wife has none of that, even though I think she has the ability to be. If I were to share all of this with her, I think she would have less confidence and more anxiety over the issue.

My wife is absolutely beautiful on the inside. For 2 1/2 years, I've identified sex with the other woman, and clearly most of what I think about the other woman is physical. Its almost as if I need to re-train my mind that sex should be about something else, or at least more than just purely physical.

Do you see how supremely selfish you sound? You had a LTA, you're still hung up on the OW, and yet you're expecting your BW to be there to support you through it? Where is her support coming from? So let me echo and take a new angle on kdny's question. This is not just a matter of your reasons for staying with her - your quote made clear at least part of the reason. What reasons are you giving her to stay with you? What are you doing for her to help her heal?

Actually, the most basic questions. If you hid your A so successfully, why did you end it? Did you finally realize that you loved your BW and couldn't treat her that way anymore? If so... please make sure you're showing her that. And if not... well then, why did you end the A? Tell us more so that we can help you. Just realize that she (your BW) needs love and help and support right now... even more than you do. Make sure you give it to her... however you can.

Jekyll,

Come on, man. Every person is different. When I first started going through this, I couldn't eat, sleep, work, anything. My wife seriously thought I was dying, so I had to tell her what was going on. Its not something that I take very much pride in, trust me, but its my life now, and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. I read your profile, so I know how you feel about the OW that you had a relationship with. I hope I feel that way one day, but right now I don't. You may have felt like that from day one. I don't know. I still miss my OW, even though I don't want to.

I didn't know how to end it. As you can see from the above post, I wanted to and felt like I couldn't (even though on many levels that's BS). At the same time, I had my cake and I was eating it too. Trust me, that's not something I'm bragging about. But, I know now that I'm not the first person to feel addicted, trapped, confused, etc. I feel like a miserable human being. But, a person doesn't always think so clearly in the midst of an affair, and I know I definitely didn't.

I get that this thread is selfish. The reason my posts here are selfish is because this is a concern I have. I didn't propose a general question, "How do I fix my marriage?" and then all of a sudden just start talking about having sex with the other woman. We both have IC, we have MC, I'm doing everything I can to support her and reassure, and she's relying heavily on friends and family.

But, this is one issue that I'm dealing with that I thought could best be helped and discussed with others who may have been in my shoes in the past.

I appreciate your response. I really do. But, this thread is just one small slice of what we're dealing with right now.

Tessad,

I completely understand what you're saying. This post was really just trying to focus on one part of what we're going through. Trust me, if you only knew how terrible I feel because of what I have done to my wife. I don't blame anyone else for any of this. I don't even blame the other woman for 1%. I did this to my wife. I'm the one that made a commitment to someone, I violated it terribly, and I feel horrible.

I want to fix my marriage and do everything possible. I've wanted to fix my marriage for a long time. I was in marriage counseling for over a year before the affair came to light. I know that was never going to work as long as the affair was going, but I didn't understand that then. I thought I could fix my marriage and get myself out of the addiction of the affair. I was so wrong, but that doesn't mean that my heart wasn't in the right place when I was doing it.

I'm not just clinging to my wife. If I wanted to be with other woman, I had 2 1/2 years of an opportunity to do it. I'm not going to tell you that I never thought about it. I did. I thought about it a lot. But, I never did. I always wanted to be married to my wife. I always wanted to fix my marriage. But, my communication skills and understanding of what marriage was like caused me to have an affair, and the confusion, addiction, and fear caused me to stay in it. I'm not saying that I wasn't in control, I was. But, these are the things that led me to make the decisions that I made.

I am giving as much effort as I can to fix this marriage. We have spent thousands of dollars on counseling. I'm reading my 6th book in the last 2 months on dealing with these issues. I realize that I may not seem like a good guy, and I know I'm not perfect, but I would not ask my wife to stay in this marriage if I didn't think both of us could be happy. The thing that is so encouraging about these forums, and others like it, is the success stories that you read. I want that more than anything else, and this thread was started solely to try to make my marriage one of them. This issue is only one issue, and we're a long way away, but I thought this is something that maybe others have dealt with.

Sounds to me like you simply miss fucking OW.

But if you think you can't go back to having simple married sex, then you need to let your wife know this. It's unfair to your wife to not let her know how you feel. Furthermore, this would fall under your needs. She can't fulfill your needs if you don't let her know what they are.

That's totally it. I didn't know if that is something that is common or not. Some have posted and led me to believe they have experienced a similar feeling.

I agree that this is something that I need to share with my wife. But, we're about 3 months into this thing, and I want to try to fix it. I want to give us a chance to get past it.

I agree with Bulldozer. You have to decide whether sex with the OW is more important to you than your wife. You are not being fair to her. How is she coping with all of this or does she even know?

The OW sounded from your description somewhat manipulative and a committed relationshp cannot last if it is based on only great sex. Affair sex will also become married sex in the future if you re-connect.

You have big decisions to make for both yourself and your wife. SHE should be the most important thing to you and if she is not you must end your relationshp now for all your sakes.

Again, I don't really know how to respond to that. My initial reaction is that of course sex with the other woman isn't more important than my marriage. But, on the other hand, I spent 2 1/2 years screwing around, and I understood the risk of doing so the entire time. So, if you were to ask me the question, the obvious answer is no. Unfortunately, my actions have been completely opposite of that.

You really think I should think about ending my marriage because I haven't physically re-connected with her 3 months after the end of a long-term affair? I really appreciate all of the advice that I've gotten on here. That just seems like a pretty drastic step to take at this point in time. I don't know. Maybe you're right. It just seems like if she wants to fix it, and I want to fix it, and we just haven't figured out how yet. Right now, it just seems to early to give up hope on fixing it.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 12:14 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

You really think I should think about ending my marriage because I haven't physically re-connected with her 3 months after the end of a long-term affair? I really appreciate all of the advice that I've gotten on here. That just seems like a pretty drastic step to take at this point in time. I don't know. Maybe you're right. It just seems like if she wants to fix it, and I want to fix it, and we just haven't figured out how yet. Right now, it just seems to early to give up hope on fixing it.

I don't think anyone is asking you to give up on your marriage. SI is a great resource and a great place to get feedback, but it's also a place where people who've been through what you and your wife are experiencing can call bullshit when they see and/or smell it. I don't think anyone here is trying to beat up on you. Far from it. I think people are asking you tough questions because this is a tough situation you're in, and tough situations require lots of careful and considered thinking.

After 3 months, I don't think you should give up trying to fix your marriage and re-connecting with your wife. Far from that.

I think that you're being very honest about how you feel, and I think you should be commended for being honest, refusing to be coy, or hiding how you really feel.

I believe that you want to salvage your marriage; otherwise you wouldn't be trying to. Just know that it's going to be a long haul and hard as hell.

But whoever said that you need to be (also) convincing your wife that there's a good reason to stay with you, too, is right.

I didn't do enough to convince my wife that there was a good enough reason to stay with me, and we've been S almost 6 months and she's said that she's never going to forgive me and will never trust me. We're long-distance and in some ways things are better and in other ways, worse. I don't want you to make the same mistake that I made.

Love is a verb, not a noun. Love you wife. My unsolicited advice is to love your wife in the ways that you can today. Feelings for OW will fade--especially if you maintain NC.

Hang in there. Things will get better if you want them to.

Bulldozer,

I appreciate what you are saying, and I hope everyone knows that I appreciate their posts.

For two years, I felt like I was sitting at a crossroads not knowing what path I wanted to take. And it was more than that. It was not just what path I "wanted" to take, but what path I should take, and what path was the "right thing to do." There were many days when I wanted to just be the better man and let the other woman go so that she could find someone to treat her the way that any woman should be treated. I mean I did the best that I could, but I was going home every night and sleeping in a bed with another woman. And there were many days that I thought about leaving my marriage just because I knew my wife deserved a better marriage than the one I was giving her. But, I just stayed there paralyzed because I didn't know what I wanted to do, what I should do, or what the right thing to do was. But, I always came home. I always came back to my wife. So, even though, I feel like I couldn't make a choice, in many ways I made a choice every day I went home to my wife. And during that entire time, if someone would have said to me, "I can guarantee your happiness with either woman, which do you want to be happy with?" it wouldn't have taken me 2 seconds to pick my wife.

So, here I am 3 months out. Some days, I still worry that I've messed up by not being with the other woman. I worry that I've done too much damage to fix my marriage. So, I read books, I go to message boards, and I talk to friends, and I just hope that I can fix what I've done. I hope my wife can come to accept the faults that I have made.

For me personally, the best encouragement that I have found is by reading books and reading message boards. Hearing how other wayward spouses have said the exact same things and felt the exact same things that I felt in the affair really helps me. "She made me feel young again." "I wasn't in love with my wife anymore." "She made my life exciting again." I could go on and on, because every book I read I highlight about 20 examples of things that I have said or felt. But, to hear these examples and to hear examples on message boards of how these people said the exact same thing and felt the exact same way, yet after the affair resolved to fix their marriage and found a better marriage and more happiness than what they had in the "high" of the affair is what gives me more hope for my marriage than anything else.

However, this topic is one that seems somewhat unique to me. I haven't read about it in a book and I haven't really seen anyone talk about having this feeling on any message board. For some reason, that scares the hell out of me. So, the reason I posted was to see if I was alone. To be honest, I'm not sure that this feeling is specific to an affair. Maybe it is on some level, but in many ways, it could just be losing a boyfriend or a girlfriend that you just loved having sex with. Did people have a problem with a new mate or an old mate that wasn't as physically satisfying? Personally, until the affair and its ending, I never really missed anything physical. I would miss the person or the times with them, but this time it seems to be primarily physical. The weird thing is, the first time I had sex with the other woman, I thought she was very good, but it wasn't mind blowing or anything like that. But, 2 1/2 years later, my mind was telling me that sex with her was out of this world and that's still the fantasy that my head is playing out to a certain extent.

I wanted to hopefully find out that I wasn't the only one, and to hear that others had faced the same issue and battled through, and maybe to get some advice on how to get through it. Thankfully, I have gotten some great advice on that. I've also gotten asked some great questions as to why I feel this way, and I think that helps also.

[This message edited by esmdqt at 1:36 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

This struck a chord with me..

My wife, by nature, is not the kind of person that is highly sexual. That is fine. I knew that when I asked her to marry me, and I loved her greatly then and had no doubts. But, the best way I can describe is that for some people driving fast is going 90 mph, and for others its 130 mph. My wife would think that she's being overly sexual by going 90 mph..

My H convinced himself and anyone else who would listen that I was the same way. He has since found out that his behavior towards me dictated how *fast* I played with him. I was treated like the mother to his kids and the woman he came home to everyday who took care of the house. His friends considered me to be sexy and he didn't recognize it because of his *vision* of me. I exuded confidence and sexiness in front of everyone except him because of his *attitude* towards me. The xmow in his fictious story was confident,sexy, and didn't do a dang thing for him besides stroke his ego and *need* him to fix her problems.

I understand you fixed the Ow's probems that you did not create but now I wonder what are you doing to help fix your wife's problems that you helped create.

Really, besides great built up sex and your need to be needed by the OW what did she do for you?

Do you need for your wife to be less independent at home and rely upon you more?

Do you need her to go days without having sex with you just because?

Do you need her to come to your office or job in the middle of the day dressed in nothing more than a raincoat and high heels?

Help your wife by showing her that you *believe* that she is ALL that and some. The trick is you actually believing in your wife more than you do the Ow.

I'm very confused. For several reasons which I will list. But first I think it's important that you deflate your own bubble.

However, this topic is one that seems somewhat unique to me. I haven't read about it in a book and I haven't really seen anyone talk about having this feeling on any message board.

From a BS pov who has been reading and learning from these boards for a while, I have to tell you that it's not so unique or special. At least I don't see it that way. Many FWS come here and will readily admit to how the OP made them *feel*. What you're saying is no different. You've expanded a bit more than most, but your fog is still the same. It's based in fantasy and not reality.

I've read all your posts and it seems to me that the majority of what you say is the *feeling*, which has evolved into putting the OW on a pedestal as far as being sexual and knowing how to use it.

You say the OW had it all going on sexually but your W is a very nice person on the inside and could probably be as sexual yet you've never expressed to her that you wanted or needed it from her. You've also been so busy getting those types of false *feelings* reinforced from the OW, you likely haven't notice the power your W has to be just as sexual. You can't see things if you're looking the other way. Your W had an unfair fight.

You say the OW *admires* you while your wife *respects* you. Again, the admiration is a shallow. Respect is something much more deep and is a form of admiration. Just admiring and giving no respect is very immature. Respecting is mature.

You say you did care for OW when she had her period or was ill. Well, when this is done in secrecy and behind closed doors...again, that is not living in reality and is not like being in an adult marriage with normal stresses and daily struggles.

You say the OW would always call you back because something major and life altering would be going in her life. You became the knight in shinning armour to the damsel in distress. Yet your W was brave and was having the fight of her life but didn't know it.

I wanted to hopefully find out that I wasn't the only one, and to hear that others had faced the same issue and battled through, and maybe to get some advice on how to get through it.

I haven't been through what you have but I do know there is a very big difference between romantic love and real love. I know there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality.

IMHO, your W has all the true sexiness in the world. What your W may possess is what real relationships are based on. That is supreme sexiness.

Best of luck to you.

ETA: IMHO, the real sexiness comes into play in a healthy strong relationship. That means the making love or having sex (whichever you want to call it) along with the emotional connectedness and intimacy.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 5:38 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

You know, I've read this whole thread and ... geez.

It might be that your wife doesn't get your mojo working because you've spent 2.5 years investing yourself in someone else.

Responding to OW's illnesses, her periods, her life crises. Her. With the nice payoff of mind-altering fantasy sex.

Seriously. That's 2.5 years you could've invested in kinkier sex with your wife. In a closer relationship with her. In time with her. In starting a family. In being intimate, in being her best friend and lover. In purchasing the entire babeland.com catalog...

But you chose the OW.

What I read, was, man it wasn't exactly your fault... she just had uber powers of sexiness. And your wife doesn't, but she's nice, and you feel rotten about it, and what can you do?

Okay.

You can choose. Figure out who you really are and what you really need.

I'm not saying leave your wife. Maybe you need to. Maybe she'll never get your mojo working. Maybe she'll always be vanilla.

But you just really complicated the situation and made it infinitely worse. Confidence? She got cheated on. She's not exactly going to necessarily want you sexually. Or she might do the whole hysterical bonding (HB) staking her claim sex. In any case, I promise, she isn't feeling top of her game.

I think if you want to R, you need to get off the fixation of what you're missing sexually and focus on your wife's needs. All her needs. Get out of your head. (And... um... nether regions.)

This is NOT, absolutely not to say you don't need -- and your wife doesn't need -- mindblowing, connected sex. But first you need connection. And you have a huge deficit there.

You may come to the conclusion that you need someone else. That wife will always be vanilla. Hard to say. But I think you're wife deserves a lot better than she's getting. You seem awfully foggy.

As for

has said that real couples don't have a lifetime of "porno sex."

I would disagree. Yeah, they do. I do.

A lot of people do. (Do you ever read Savage Love?)

It wasn't always so. When I was young, I was probably pretty vanilla. Years before I met my WH, I learned... more skills. And that's it. Sex is a skill. It's confidence and it's trying new things on the menu, but it is a skill. And skills can be learned.

Would you rather learn with someone who thinks (privately) that you rather suck at it, or would rather learn with an enthusiastic teacher? With encouragement?

You could be that teacher. But you're comparing her to some other star pupil.

That's not fair. I think the problem is you.

If you're not willing to focus on your wife, if you're going to work from the vantage point of she's deficient in this catagory and Can Never Compare with OW, well... you're doomed to failure.

How do you know? Doesn't seem like you gave it an honest shake.

And now, you've got a harder row to hoe. Maybe she will be All That. Or maybe she won't. In which case, you can move on. But if you both want to R, I'd focus on her and off you, and really, really try.

esmdqt,

Your story has unfolded bit by bit. When I first read your post I thought you were a selfish guy who wanted his cake and eat it too. That is not true. You do have what you think is a dilemma I also see that your incredible need for the OW that she knew all the buttons to push, maybe not as a villian but certainly your need to be "needed" is apparent. You mentioned that she "thought" she had a lump. In 2 1/2 yrs there seems to be a large amount of chaos and crisis. Also threats to out you to your wife and boss is very serious.(Did she say "I didn't really mean it. I just couldn't stand the thought of losing you.") Couple that with neediness and someone is very skilled at sex and you've got a recipe for an addiction. I'm only guessing but is your W a lot less needy and in more control? esmdqt, after some more time passes, maybe a few more months you are going to be so glad that you made the decision to stay with your W. The greatest lover I ever had would not have been a good husband for me. 30 someodd yrs later I still think about him and have run into him one time and my heart raced and my temp went up. he was a great guy and a fantastic lover but I would have never married him. With time, just like any addiction, the longing will pass and you can take a good look at it with open eyes. The fog has to clear. As you can see, both WS's and BS's are cheering for you and your wife.

I just have to ask what simple married sex is? as a BS,I am not jumping on you,I am interested if you have ever asked your wife what she might like?do you know her fantasies?do you know what your wife has really got in her head?

I ask not in any bad way,but to say that my H got boring as all hell in the bed during his A,and our sex life suffered for it,he did the same thing,the same way,yada yada and it was because in his A he was doing the same thing in virtually the same place and the same way everytime and there was his guilt and need to distance himself from me to make the A justifiable...all I am saying is often a man that is complaining his sex with his wife isn't all that is often a man that isn't being imaginative in the bedroom himself because he is putting his mental/emotional/physical activities into the A ...if your wife feels your reserve with her and your distance there is a good chance she may not be letting loose with you because she isn't comfortable with you any longer.Just a thought,not saying that is your situation.I wish you the best.