SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been nearly 2 years since DDay. My WS and I have been through a ton of individual therapy and couples therapy. Our marriage looks completely different than it ever has before. We're different people and we're happy.

It felt like that chapter of our lives was finally closing. My conditions to try again were all fulfilled. He left his job early on (AP was coworker), worked on himself and our relationship, and recently traded in his vehicle (used during the affair).

We've been talking about possibly moving, working on shared goals, and are finally a team.

My triggers, intrusive thoughts, and ruminations have gone down tremendously. Anytime they arise, my spouse is quickly there to support through.

The AP must have sensed it. She began reaching out this morning. She sent one message per hour as he would not respond. She starting with a greeting > then telling him that she never stopped thinking about him > then she didn't want anything but a distraction > then asking why he didn't want to speak to her.

My WS followed our plan to not respond alone and be transparent as soon as we were together in person.

The question now is how to respond. Do we leave no response and simply block her? Does he need to be bluntly clear again that he doesn't want to be involved? Should the response come from me (I've never confronted her)? I also wonder if her partner knows anything about the affair.

My WS has also been paranoid that she has passed by our house to see his vehicle gone and that may have been the trigger to reach out.

No matter the why, how do you deal with someone like this?

When my AP wouldnt leave me alone, I blocked him. Would have done it sooner if I wasn't worried about him blackmailing me. Simple and effective solution.

Your husband should send one reply, which is "Stop contacting me. If you continue to message me, I will take legal action." And then he blocks her.

If contacts him from another number, get a cease and desist letter from a lawyer.

Do not confront her yourself. (A) He created the mess; he should clean it up. (B) You confronting her might actually empower her, as she will tell herself that your husband would respond were it not for the big, bad wife.

As for contacting her partner, most will say you should do so, but I'm going to advise against it at this point because your goal is to get her to leave you alone. Doing anything that would cause this bunny boiler to escalate is potentially dangerous.

Thanks. I love to overthink and sometimes just need someone else to say it. If they reach out with a secondary account, we'll deal with it then.

Block or don't respond.

Blocking would be my first choice. If a NC message wasn't sent then maybe that first. I just think at this point that you want to avoid feeding her ego kibbles to rekindle her interest, so I wouldn't lean towards doing it now. Most sane people would clue in when your WS dropped totally out of her world that he was done with her. She's trying to hoover him back in, so I wouldn't engage. Chaos might have better recommendations as she tangled with a stalking AP.

Hey grubs - I must have sensed this thread! And sadly...yeah...

OK - a few things in no particular order.

Why wasn't AP blocked years ago [that a metaphorical question - she wasn't so we can only go with the now]. That being said, in my case LTAP was a pro at creating fake profiles to stalk, even going so far as to use a very similar name of someone WH knew in school then slowly over time changing it to closer and closer to her own. She'd get burner phones, convince fellow mutual friends to reach out on her behalf, I could go on. She did for years! She probably still is, although more discreet so she won't be found in violation of the Cease and Desist.

It been 2 years. Block IMMEDIATELY! Then contact an attorney to send a Cease and Desist.
While it may seem "harsh" after 2 freaking years, even a "don't contact me" or "fuck off" is a response. Like with scam calls/texts any answer of the call or a "who is this" txt is a response and let them know the contact is active.

Block - Attorney - NOW.

Your attorney will meet with WH, review any history and saved evidence and decide how heavy handed an approach to take - mine was pretty damn heavy handed.

Sadly, if your WH balks, you have a bigger problem. If he makes excuses with the cliche "if I do that she may self harm, OD, binge drink, etc." you have a bigger problem. If he does anything except start researching attorneys or contact one he already has, you have a problem.

Hugs Pinkflamingoslippers Been there - done that.

No message - even "Don't contact me again". Blockity Block Block Block. ANY message feeds her ego! I like Chaos's advice to go nuclear after blocking. Cuts off ANY possibility of her reaching out without consequences. There's always the possibility that she's got it in her to become a stalker like the nut job that stalked Chaos's H. Better safe than sorry.

At the same time, even two years later, it seems only fair that AP's partner should know about the affair. No judgement here - ideally the OBS would have been put in the loop immediately back when the affair happened. It's never too late to set things right. But this gal sounds like a potential stalker - so dead air feels like the safest response.

And-----If you do disclose to OBS, It's possible AP will cast you and H as vengeful creeps because she simply reached out to an old friend, and now you and H are inventing crazy accusations, or something like that. You'd need to attach proof. And bet if you do go this route, the OBS might have questions. Know I would!

I dunno. Wondering what other people think about notifying the OBS in this situation? If I were the OBS I'd want to know. Just not sure how to finesse this in conjunction with blocking AP and then cease and desist letter to put a stop to potential stalking. Feels contradictory.........is there a way to SAFELY do both?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:10 PM, Monday, October 19th]

is there a way to SAFELY do both?

Have the attorney send a copy to OBS. The C&D will sum up why it is being sent, so there will be a C&D as well as an inform to OBS. You can have it arranged that only the intended recipient sign for it. Thus, AP can't intercept the one for OBS. Option - have that one delivered to work address for additional protection.

Only you know them, but a "heads up" to your local precinct may help. I had to do that. A few times. I also hand delivered a copy of the C&D just in case.

The tentacles of this shit are long and far reaching.

When the fAP kept reaching out years later through 3rd parties and alternative contact means, I let the OBS know she had been asked not to contact repeatedly and that she was continuing to attempt to do so. My intent wasn't to dissuade her. It was out of courtesy for her OBS. I figured if I were in his position, I would want to know. I also told OBS that I would appreciate being informed if he finds out my WS is trying to contact her.

And I told OBS that I would give him all evidence I had of the affair. I had revealed to him when I found out, but I'm not sure he was truly convinced there was an affair. Maybe AP convinced him it was all a misunderstanding, and I'm a crazy jealous wife. Maybe the threat of evidence made her stop.

Tp my knowledge, AP has stopped trying to contact my fWS. It seems easier for an AP to have a narrative that it's the spouse keeping them apart, rather than a former AP truly not wanting to contact. It's been 10 years since the affair. We will be in AP's city soon to attend an event and visit friends. She would probably be aware my husband will be at the event and may have reasons to attend herself. I wouldn't be surprised if she approached him in a friendly manner if he attended alone.

Perhaps the is a contrary opinion, but I don't feel I have any control over that and don't worry about it. Given the stories of stalking and restraining orders, I don't have faith that a formal C & D letter is a real deterrent. That's just a personal opinion though. I have no experience with them.

EDIT to add: That sounded kind of dismissive. Sorry! Trust me, it was distressing every time she reached out. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe one time. I definitely spiralled.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 5:21 PM, Monday, October 19th]

I’d go with the lawyer approach and no other communication. She WANTS attention. Do not give it to her. Do not let her know that she has any significance in your life. Don’t let her know she gets any headspace whatsoever . The legal letter will let her know you are not fucking around and she needs to get lost forever.

I’m glad your WS is being open and transparent with you. I too am curious why she was not blocked, so make sure she is blocked on all social. Media including LinkedIn and blocked from direct texts.

Good luck, and sorry the AP is such a loser.

Block everywhere she pops up. C&D. My stalker-y former "friend" the OW, found ways to just follow me around on the periphery via mutuals on social media, etc. Having her boyfriend stand near me....listening in....etc. I could be wrong, but at the time, that's what it felt like. Not FWH, to my knowledge....and I checked. OW/former friend, I think wanted to apologize. I wanted nothing to do with her. Nothing actionable, but disturbing AF. Thankfully, she's finally stopped.

I don't think anything good can come from continued contact. OW deserves people and peace (we all do), but your FWH is just not one of them.

I too am curious why she was not blocked, so make sure she is blocked on all social. Media including LinkedIn and blocked from direct texts.

On some apps and platforms, blocking doesn't mean truly blocked. It means you will get the communication, and the app will store it in a different area.

That's how I found one attempt. I was searching for documents for taxes. I thought if they were automated from the brokerage, they might be stored in another location and started searching. It was around Valentines Day. AP had tried to contact. My fWS had told me she tried through a third-party days or weeks earlier, but I found her original direct attempts unread in a different area.

Now that it's election season, we all know in the US that it's easy to reach out anonymously in multiple ways. It's just not as straightforward as simply blocking once. As Ladybugmaam pointed out, they have a right to be in a public place near him or you.