SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I lost my spouse, last year. She died in a car accident. I had and still am having a difficult time with her death.I was referred to Psychiatrist for treatment and medication. I was very depressed,had significant survivors guilt. Endless questions and what if’s. After about three months of treatment , I was able to pull it together and was able to initiate daily activities chores and housekeeping. It was at that time that I found a journal of hers. It was tucked deeply behind a bookshelf. I was just trying to do some dusting .I opened it and there in her hand writing was about 50 pages all hand written. Dating from 25 to 15 years ago. (We had been married 35 years at the time of her death). The most recent entry was a recap of a conversation between her and a longtime girlfriend ( also now deceased) She goes on to confess to her friend,that she had ,had an affair. And that I must never know about it. The other pages go onto her meeting with and her connection and exchanges with her AP. It was like a complete blindsiding of me. I could not believe this was happening. I have still not come to grips with her death and am now facing the reality that our marriage had already died well over 25 years previously. Hell if it was so important that I never know of the affair, why did she keep it? Was it to punish me? Did she just not care. I am so confused and baffled. Maybe this did happen over 20 years ago , but to me It just occurred. I have no idea on how to process this or deal with it. Anyone I could question is dead. I don’t even know if I want to be buried with her. The only good thing is that it has made getting rid of her belongings and memories a hell of a lot easier.
I,m writing this in hopes that maybe someone has any insight or recommendations as to the emotional processing and coming to terms that I feel like my life was a big lie and mistake. Thank you

Sorry,

Your situation seems similar to me to long dead affairs a spouse finds out about decades after it ended, but the cheater is still married to their betrayed spouse.

This also poisons all their memories and makes the betrayed spouse feel like their marriage was fake.

I can say I didn't realize my WW had an affair until 20 or so years later. And I felt powerless like I was the victim of a scam and that my WW never really wanted me for. all that time

Can you contact the other man to get his story or his wife or so from that time

There have been several stories on here of a similar nature, and hopefully some will post their experience. You have suffered a double trauma with the loss of your WW and then finding out about her infidelity. Take care of you. See an IC to help with the trauma. It is especially painful when you will never get answers to your questions or any closure. Time will help. Sending strength and support.

MM,

Do you have children get DNA done

Perhaps she deeply regretted the affair and realized it was a mistake.

Is there anything in the journal where she writes about having remorse or regret?

She may have kept it from you b/c she didn’t want you to D her because she chose to cheat. She may have realized she really did love you and just didn’t want to come clean.

How do You feel about how she treated you through all those years?

Do you feel the secret she held degraded your relationship and perhaps the relationship was functional but not romantic?

Perhaps she deeply regretted the affair and realized it was a mistake.

Is there anything in the journal where she writes about having remorse or regret?

She may have kept it from you b/c she didn’t want you to D her because she chose to cheat. She may have realized she really did love you and just didn’t want to come clean.

It is possible.

It is very painful what you are going through.

She had some friends, they probably know about it, you need peace of mind and to figure out if she really lied to you about loving you or not.

I don't believe it is the case, most of the time cheaters do love their partner, is the character flaw that brings them to the affair and then shame and avoidance of accountability that made them keep the lie that posions everything instead of giving a chance to clean the slate and restart fresh.

She might have loved you but the shame was keeping the lie alive.

And this stupid choice is now poisoning her memory, something that if she were alive she would suffer like she suffered her mistake, still consequence of the same character flaw choices.

You need this piece of mind, perhaps it was not all that bad. Try to think who you can speak to, to share this journal.
You will maybe able to get clarity, it will help you to move forward.

If it "was that bad", then will help you forgot the pain. If it was a choice she regret, perhaps it will give you room to forgive her.

I know finding out means "it happens now", that's what the cheater never understand.
But think about what wife wrote, you need to protect your emotions now, from the spiral of betrayal.

We are hear to hear you.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

Will you say more about her A(s)? Was it a long term A,10 years of serial cheating? 2 As widely separated in time?

Being betrayed is traumatic. The cure is in the way you talk to and think about yourself. You didn't cause your W to conduct an affair (affairs?). She did not betray you because of who you are; she cheated because of her own issues. A good IC/therapist can help.

MM25

My sympathies on the loss of your wife.

Finding out about betrayal years later carries its own set of issues. Finding out after their death would be even more devastating. The inability to question your WS would be excruciating painful.

There are no answers that will bring you peace. I would recommend you find a therapist who can help you navigate this hell.

I'm so sorry.

My guess is she didn't leave the journal for you to find. She was just complacent and took it for granted that she would always be around to protect it.

Max -

Sorry for your loss and that you had to find us here at SI.

I understand some of your pain — my wife planned to take the secret of her A to her grave, but 18-years after it all, she changed her mind and confessed.

First off, you are exactly right, it does NOT matter how long ago the A was, the pain is new and very real.

Your anger is righteous and well earned.

The reality of your M doesn’t match what you thought it was, but it does not make your life a lie.

You loved your wife with the best information you had at the time and honored your end of the deal.

As to why my wife did not tell me — it was primarily to avoid hurting me — or at least that was her best rationalization.

Cheating is universally wrong, so people who make that choice tend to come up with series of rationalizations to make their choices make sense.

You know she stayed, and you know she didn’t want to hurt you with the truth.

The rest of it she can no longer explain or apologize for, and that adds to the pain in the now.

The endless questions and what ifs you had for survivors guilt are very similar to surviving an A.

Both the accident and the A are not your fault.

A’s happen mostly due to the WS and their inability to value themselves or cope or in need of external validation in an unhealthy way.

If your psychiatrist helped at all with the loss, maybe visit them again to help you start to heal from discovering the A.

Max

Sorry for your loss, but glad you are alive and around to share with us.
Affairs tend to follow a pattern. We recognize that pattern here simply because we have seen comparable stories shared again and again.
One thing we see is that the fantasy of the affair is extremely strong. Like... chances are your wife and OM thought this was "the ultimate love" and alas – since they were already committed to others they couldn’t ride into the sunset and live out their lives making love on the beach under the setting sun.
We also see that once you prick the fantasy the reality sets in very quickly.

My semi-standard piece of advice to people that have discovered their spouses ongoing infidelity is simply to let them know they are free to continue – only not as your spouse. This is based on what I have learned here on SI – that once the fantasy is out it can’t be rekindled. Once there is nothing holding a wife from being with her lover, it’s not longer as enticing.

We see it again and again here. Where the WS or the OP has been given EVERY opportunity to go live the fantasy, and yet they do their utmost to regain the spouse they cheated on. The OM dumps the WW to save his marraiage, the WW promises to move heaven and earth to keep the marriage...
We also see this in the extremely low success rate of relationships that start in infidelity. It’s been ages since I have seen any reliable stats, but I guess only about 1 in 20 relationships that start as affairs last more than a year or two. This even after they have left their partners. Once they loose their common ground – the adversity of the betrayed spouse(s), they don’t have anything in common. The wife realizes the White Knight farts and snores and drinks beer, the husband realizes the trapped princess has her period, isn’t really into oral and whines about her soaps.

I think it’s because affairs are more about faults in the wayward person rather than benefits in the AP. This goes both ways. Your wife had an affair because of her own issues – not because OM was so great. He became great in her mind to help her justify it to herself. Same with your wife. She wasn’t his "princess" – she was just someone that would dance along with him in the fantasy.

Another factor to consider is WHY people cheat. I think that in nearly all cases it’s a combination of opportunity and validation. We all need and appreciate validation and we get it in healthy forms like being praised, people wanting to be around us, a healthy bank-account... We also probably know people that seek validation – the person at work that constantly wants praise from his manager, the show-off who looks around to make sure everyone is watching is 300 yard golf-drive.
Insecure people might find validation in the attention of others. For your wife, that insecurity might have been the "boredom" of a long-term relationship focused on raising the kids, building a career, paying the debts... It might be the first gray hair. Whatever. Chances are she and OM connected over the ability to provide each other validation. False validation, harmful validation. But still validation.

It’s a sign of personal development when you realize the shallowness of "wrong" validation. Like... if your friends praise you because of your golf-game it wont really work for you if your lowered handicap is because you lie about dropping a new ball.

OK – IN your instance she ended the affair. Or OM did. Not really relevant per se. What is relevant is that it ended.
What is also relevant is that it doesn’t seem she sought out another affair. Why journal one but not the next?
It’s also not clear from your post if the marriage was good or bad, strained or not.

Only you can answer that. What was your marriage like from the period you think the affair ended, to the fateful day she passed away?

What I would want to believe – and I base this on what little you share – is that the affair ended, and she did whatever self-improvement she did on herself to NOT have a need to seek this false validation elsewhere.
She had the chance to end this marriage, but she decided not to. I would like to think she remained because despite it all she cared for you, and wanted you as her husband.

I know that for you the affair started NOW. I get that and your d-day is the day you read that journal. But if you can – evaluate your marriage from how it was AFTER the affair ended, and judge your wife from that.

Where to start? So much info,so many questions and if even the worse,just my memory and interpretation of the whole experience.

Regarding A. There are no dates in journal. My best guess is ,starting maybe about 1999 and lasting until 2006.

Why do I give that end date. The friend that she confessed this A to died in 2007. She describes it as being in past not still active.

Regarding AP. Never entered name but reference, as a co-participant in the group therapy session that she attended for good 18 years. This group dealt with depression and stress of surviving a childhood with an abusive alcoholic parent. I believe it was Adult Children of Alcoholics. She referred to herself and the AP as having had very similar experiences and coping mechanisms.That they were reaching for "their Inner Child" and mentioned other aspects that she referred to as part of healing process. Felt I would never understand .I did not have that life experience and could not relate to her pain. What do I know of her,childhood. Her mother was a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic . 2 quarts of vodka per day. Multiple admissions for withdrawal and treatment.

I never met her.She was dead 4-5 years before we even knew each other. I know when we did start to become serious,my W did tell me she would not tolerate Alcohol or substance abuse.It was a definite red line. For me it was an easy choice and I chose her. She never saw me drunk or even buzzed in all 35 years.

Regarding our marriage, I was 30 ,she was26. Both of us in medical profession.Our courtship I would say was perfect. Even now I would describe it as magical.No fights ,no arguments, Hell it was beautiful.Everything just clicked. Eight months in engaged and then married after additional 7 months.

It was after we returned from our honeymoon that things went wrong.Not between us but with external players.

Within the next 4 years we faced; over 45 deaths of family members and close friends. This included the death of her father and as a result , she becoming the guardian of a 16 y/o sister( she was a major stressor and was actively vindictive to our relationship).

Both of our extended families were not supportive and actually hurtful towards us.Almost instigating issues between us.

There was sudden very expensive expenses that came at us quite suddenly. Wife car,was totaled in hit and run ,while it was parked outside the house, the furnace in our house needed to be replaced,then the roof was severely damaged in a hurricane.

Top this off with a surprise pregnancy, followed 20 months later by another pregnancy. Both were very difficult and stressful . Nothing went easy at all.

Childcare was a definite struggle. The children both required special attention and support.

After 6 years nothing seemed to be improving or letting up.

Yes ,there are many people that have it much worse and have had significant tragedies. But , hell it was like a 6-7 year long Chinese water torture. Everything a continued and added stresses.

I believe that is when I first noticed a change in my wife. Getting very discouraged and depressed. She was so unhappy and No matter how hard I worked not a dam thing seemed to help.

In all our 35 years together,I never raised my voice in anger, I never threatened her or raised a hand to her.

When she was angry or upset I would never confront her or agitate her. She replied that I didn’t care.

I did not want to put extra stress on her so I tried to be as helpful and non confrontational as possible.She said I was withholding affection. When I tried to show affection,she told me I only wanted sex. She would complain that I worked too much.So I would take time off. Of course I’m a shift worker so base salary is about $300 less for the week then when on duty. The following week when that paycheck came in it was a whole different level of complaining for the shortage and agitated the financial situation.

It was at this time I told her , look you are not happy, this has just not worked out for us .I told her to get a divorce lawyer and I would agree to anything she wanted. The reply was hell no you just want to abandon me with those kids.We didn’t speak for a good week.

Two weeks later is when she started going to the therapy sessions.

I was not a fan of the therapist or her methods. In 15 years .i never really saw any change or improvement or even easing. Once a quarter I would have to attend a couple sessions. Ended up making me feel like a punching bag.

After about a year of this ,I finally asked the therapist. Hey at any point are you going to re-evaluate and maybe suggest a second opinion. That was the last time I was asked to come to a session.

My wife had stopped going to this therapist about 2015. At that time she had developed very significant medical issues and had to rearrange priorities to being treated medically. At this time our children had grown up and were independent and successful. My wife seemed at peace with how things where wrapping up.

I never had an affair, I never hit or abused her. I worked 60 hrs a week continuously until I got hit with a couple of Covid infections that was followed by 6 months later by a significant heart attack.

Went back to work about 4 months later but wife told me to not go over 40 hrs.per week.

Life was slowlyDragging along and at least was manageable until the accident when I lost her and I lost my whole life.

Never even thought of there being an A. Never entered my mind until I found that Damed Journal.What is that they say , ignorance is bliss. Opened up a whole new level of pain and self torture…

I have added this onto my initial posting ,at the request that I describe our history together. Thank you for your comments and support.

[This message edited by MaddMax25 at 5:18 AM, Thursday, March 12th]

The moment of discovery sets us back, no matter if it's from 25 years ago or 10 minutes ago.

You are dealing with a fresh trauma of losing your wife, while simultaneously grieving this new realization that the life you believed in and trusted had a big flaw called infidelity.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. One alone is enough to derail a person, two at the same time is unbearable.

Try not to process both sets of grief alone. One act of infidelity, even though it can feel huge does not erase decades of shared life. You may come to eventually see your wife as a person who made mistakes, rather than letting that one revelation define the entire relationship.

It feels unresolved because she isn't alive to get closure, or clarity. You're left with the shock and all the conflicting emotions a full betrayal has. All your feelings are valid.

Focus on what your lived experience in the marriage actually was, not just the new information you've been unfortunate to have discovered. Talk to others that have gone through the same thing.

I wish you all the healing possible with this new information. I know it's a difficult to process. Take it day by day.

[This message edited by Muggle at 11:03 PM, Wednesday, March 11th]