SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Clearly changing oneself can go negative or positive but either way people typically revamp themselves after an affair comes to light. I don’t mean only the betrayed but also the betrayer as well. Because of the challenging counsel that I have received here, I find myself asking; shouldn’t the result of our transformations that exist now, in this moment, verses what was in the past determine how I view and act towards my wife and she me?

I’ll be frank, for far too long I have lived and related to my wife with one foot sternly placed in the past and the other firmly placed in the current. In doing so, though I didn’t understand or consciously mean to I had one leg moving backwards the other leg forwards leaving me painfully split, stuck, living, dying, loving and unloving my wife depending on the time zone I was operating.

In an odd way, we have traded places and am I now the "unsafe" partner?

The bottom line is, if I want to live in the past then the kind thing for me to do is to divorce my wife. If I want to fully move into the future with her, which I do, then I need to embrace her as she is now, not then, allowing the ongoing, reconciling process to move ever forward.

Asterisk

That’s wisdom, there.

But, maybe easier said than done. Requires making yourself vulnerable again, and that’s scary, no?

Formerpeopleperson,

That’s wisdom, there.

A wisdom that was giving to me not created by me that I am attempting to understand and incorporate.

But, maybe easier said than done. Requires making yourself vulnerable again, and that’s scary, no?

Saying it does seem easier than doing it, and yet, is it? I can only answer for me, and what I do know is not doing it has not been an easy path to recirculate within. You are accurate, it is scary as heck! But not as nearly scary, as it has been, insisting on living between two opposing worlds. My being uneasy of what a new reality might bring comes with hope that it will not be what it was. Conversely, being fearful and hardening myself for protection from what may never happen again, can deny my wife and me a warm and intimate future we both deserve. Yes?

Asterisk

We are who we were, and were who we are. It's all the same. Always makes me think of that Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime."

At some point, I hope you and Mrs Asterisk can really talk about all of this.

And let's be honest here. You're not getting a divorce.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:49 PM, Friday, November 14th]

Hi asterisk-

I think this epiphany is a good one.

Honestly, your heart may need time to catch up to this as a safe concept. This is a decades long ingrained thing.

As someone who has done a lot of reframing and then allowing my heart to catch up, it’s still effective. Be patient with yourself and don’t feel discouraged when you move away and come back to this over and over. Each time you will find layers being removed that may not be evident until some of it is gone.

I do not think you are an unsafe partner though. You do not have to shame yourself into compliance as that can create more cognitive dissonance to wade through. You are as innocent to these wounds today as you were when they happened. The only person you are being unsafe to is yourself.

This is good work, try and keep applying this when you move towards uncertainty in it. Change doesn’t happen at once, it’s like the water in the Grand Canyon sort of thing.

Hi Asterisk,

Your reflection today represents one of the trippiest aspects of my personal experience of recovery. The connection between the past and present as embodied in our WW's...and trying to untangle the two. The best way I can try to describe my personal experience of this is too use a physical trauma analogy...which I know can be fraught with stuff...but I think is still appropriate.

Our wives dropped a soul grenade into the middle of the family room of our hearts...where so much preciousness is gathered. It was going to detonate either way...but in choosing to reconcile we sort of throw ourselves in front of it to protect (as much as we can anyway) the precious things there from the inevitable blast and shrapnel. Our kids maybe. A (at least prior to the A) beautiful shared history. Our wives themselves even. And when that grenade went off, it did exactly what hot shrapnel moving near the speed of sound does. It shredded everything in its path. Yes, there is peripheral damage done to all of those things we were trying to protect, but the focal point of the destruction...is us. Speaking metaphorically of course, we are now missing a few fingers, maybe deaf in one ear, we have a punctured lung, we have lost most of the muscle mass in one leg. Brain fog. A fractured hip. We are fortunate to have survived it. Which we are grateful for, but now we have to face our future with these injuries, and any associated limitations that may come with them. We, of course, do all the recommended things and engage all the wisdom we can to recover and heal the areas that were particulalry damaged and injured. IC. Lots of it. MC too if appropriate. We do all we can to try and heal ourselves, encourage (demand?) our WW's do the same, so we can then try to heal the marriage together.

But here's the thing...and this idea is not without a great deal of controversy at least...danger at worst.

I think it's quite possible we never fully recover from the blast. We do as much as reasonably possible. But there can be/are (in my experience anyway) PERMANENT limitations/damages/effects that we live with forward of that blast. I mean,the fingers don't grow back. We have to learn how to manage differently with doorknobs and car keys and hand-writing. We manage, but there are some limits now. We are still deaf in one ear. That effects us. We lose our wind much quicker now. Arthritis in the broken hip. The muscle has recovered some in our leg, but it will operate at a significantly diminished effeciency as it it did prior to the blast.

I'll stop with the analogy now, but hopefully the point is clear enough and doesn't seem so outlandish...that the infidelity our wives blew us up with, has possibly/likely done LASTING, PERMANENT/POTENTIALLY PERMANENT and LIMITING things to us.

And, more directly to the point of your post here today, those damages are in our PRESENT. And whatever they actually are and whatever their actual degrees of significance...we live with and deal with them IN THE PRESENT. And I do not think it is "living in the past" to honestly and courageously assess and even EMBRACE this/these realities in our ongoing efforts in recovery and reconciliation.

Now...some extenuating things...

US. Our life. Love and marriage and our wives and, pretty much everything that was effected by the infidelity grenade...

CAN STILL BE BEAUTIFUL, GOOD, FULFILLING. JOYFUL even. Being honest about how the natural consequences of traumatic events in our past STILL DIRECTLY AFFECT our present...does not (necessarily) preclude any of the above. It also does not require a diminishment (and certainly not a punishment) of our WW's.

Also... yes, self-sabotage is REAL. Refusal, or any otherwise failure to do necessary healing work WILL keep us from reaching the fullness of possible healing available to us. In this way we can UNHEALTHILY stay at a level of unnecessaary damage from the infidelity. From the past. And some times it is really hard to know the difference between reaching our healing "ceiling" and self-sabotage and unnecessary, self-induced stuckness.

BUT, I still offer for your consideration...that it is totally natural and even HEALTHY(?!!) to "live in the past" in this sense. The sense that says, yes, this event damaged me in these ways, limited me in these other ways, but I am committed to living in as much healing as I can while honeslty recognizing these realites.

I think to try to force a complete disassociation between the past (and the correlated damage it has done to us) and the present, can create even MORE dissonance than the crap ton we already have to process in the first place, and can be powerfully counterproductive to living as best as we can forward of these things.

Thanks for your continued heart-on-sleeve sharings. This inspired me to think deeply about this conviction today.

Here's to being as healed as you can be while honestly and courageously living in the present with any limitations and effects that have come from the soul grenade of infidelity being dropped on you in your past.

WH

[This message edited by Wounded Healer at 6:26 PM, Friday, November 14th]

Wow, more wisdom. A rich thread.

But perhaps just rephrasing this:

Your WW can apologize profusely, can do everything recommended for a WA to do, but;

You’re still missing an arm. You’re never going to get over that, or forget about it.

And maybe never trust your WW enough to remove the body armor.

"Love with scar tissue"

Great post Wounded Healer

I find myself asking; shouldn’t the result of our transformations that exist now, in this moment, verses what was in the past determine how I view and act towards my wife and she me?

There's that word again: should.

We are the sum total of all of our experiences. I may no longer be a child, but that child still exists within me. I may no longer be a betrayed husband, but that betrayed husband still exists within me. I may no longer be a sailor, but I still curse like one.

How do you view your wife, Asterisk? Do you see her as the sum total of all of your experiences with her? The good, the bad, and the ugly?

Maybe I'm a bit of a Pollyanna. I believe the world is still a beautiful place and worth fighting for. (Thanks, Hemingway). I always look on the bright side of life. (Thanks, Eric Idle). I could go on and on.

Did I suffer emense pain from my exww's infidelity? Fucking-A, you bet your ass I did. Worst shit I've ever experienced.

Just another chapter in an otherwise good book.

If I want to fully move into the future with her, which I do, then I need to embrace her as she is now, not then,

She is the sum total of all of her experiences. Embrace her as the whole human being she is.

I think it's quite possible we never fully recover

I think it's possible we do. At least, I believe that I have.

Unhinged,

We are who we were, and were who we are.

It might take a little more explanation for me to correctly understand the above line. Not sure I agree. I am more in line with the idea that who we were helped fashion who we are today and who we are today will never be who we were yesterday.

At some point, I hope you and Mrs Asterisk can really talk about all of this.

I would as well, and it may happen. I know there is some controversy on this
but for her change to be authentic, it must be on her schedule not mine. I will say though, she did pick up a book that was recommended to me from a member here to read and consider so that gives me notice that something is stirring inside of her. The question is, will she share her thoughts about the book’s messaging with me. For my own sanity, I cannot sit in expectation that she will, nor will l sit in judgement if she does not.

And let's be honest here. You're not getting a divorce.

Well, you do kind of have me there. But, if one wants to be technical about it, and I know you do choose your words carefully, I said that it would be "kind" of me to divorce her, not that I would divorce her. 😊But your point is well taken, I’m not going anywhere, my life with her now is romantic and loving, for we are not who we were, rather fashioned by who we were into who we are. And the "who we are today, will not be who we are in the future."

Asterisk

Hikingout,

You do not have to shame yourself into compliance as that can create more cognitive dissonance to wade through.

I find this an interesting perspective, and I want to push back. However, this concept you are suggesting has been presented to me, in different phrasing more times than I’m comfortable with. I’m not discomforted with it being suggested, rather that I’ve learnt to respect opinions here and am unsure of what I might be missing. I just don’t see honest, self-reflection as necessarily being "shaming" or "too hard on myself" as it has been said. In my mind, to not do so would be a shame on me for not being hard enough on myself, right?

You are as innocent to these wounds today as you were when they happened. The only person you are being unsafe to is yourself.

Yes, I agree, I was innocent to the old wounds today as I was then, however, I still maintain that if am refusing to let go of the past that I am wounding both my wife and me. If, in fact, this is what I am doing, then to I allow bad behavior on my wife’s part to justify bad behavior on my part then, is both wrong and making me "unsafe" to both my wife and me.

Change doesn’t happen at once, it’s like the water in the Grand Canyon sort of thing.

Boy and howdy, that is very true, change is like the carving power of a mighty river. It often starts as a trickle, with hundreds of additional swelling streams surging into it and at some points the flow overwhelms and becomes a violent torrent ripping, overflowing and reshaping its banks and then there are the smooth drifts safely gurgling their way to an unknown destination. Though not always enjoyable and sometimes boring, neither is less or more important than the other.
Asterisk

Wounded Healer,

The best way I can try to describe my personal experience of this is too use a physical trauma analogy...which I know can be fraught with stuff...but I think is still appropriate.

My mind is not scientific, wanting only the cold facts, I often wish it were. My brain thinks and analyzes best when analogies are the method of sharing ideas. And, I agree, analogies never are 100% in their accuracies, but neither is any method of communicating so let’s dwell into it.

Our wives dropped a soul grenade into the middle of the family room of our hearts...where so much preciousness is gathered.

Nailed it! Especially the "preciousness is gathered" part.

It was going to detonate either way...but in choosing to reconcile we sort of throw ourselves in front of it to protect (as much as we can anyway) the precious things there from the inevitable blast and shrapnel. Our kids maybe. A (at least prior to the A) beautiful shared history. Our wives themselves even.

Spot on. True as hell, stay or leave, the bomb blast happens either way. I don’t think I had thought of it as "throwing myself in front of the bomb, but I think that is actually a well stated way of viewing what I and many other betrayed spouses did. It was to protect my kids, my wife, family, and our marriage because all those were "precious" and worth any pain or damage caused while shielding them from the blast.

But here's the thing...and this idea is not without a great deal of controversy at least...danger at worst.
I think it's quite possible we never fully recover from the blast. We do as much as reasonably possible. But there can be/are (in my experience anyway) PERMANENT limitations/damages/effects that we live with forward of that blast. I mean,the fingers don't grow back. We have to learn how to manage differently with doorknobs and car keys and hand-writing. We manage, but there are some limits now. We are still deaf in one ear. That effects us. We lose our wind much quicker now. Arthritis in the broken hip. The muscle has recovered some in our leg, but it will operate at a significantly diminished effeciency as it it did prior to the blast.

Yes, I have witnessed and participated in the "controversy" and I fall on the side that reconciliation is never completed. For a couple of decades I thought otherwise, that we were fully past it, and then, something unrelated occurred and I found that I still had deeply embedded, unknown shrapnel slicing me from the inside out. So, yes, I thought I was there, but I was not. Oddly, I would say my wife is reconciled, it is me that is threatening the explosion. It would be unwise of me to try to draw a direct line between my experience to be everyone’s experience. I am sure that there are those who are fully reconciled but I’d caution can anyone actually know that both parties have achieved this goal.

Now for where I do depart from this well laid-out analogy. And it is not lost on me that I am about to discredit some of what I said above. I don’t see the damage as body parts missing that can never exist again. Scars, yes for sure. Long-lasting limping or fumbling around with damaged fingers and toes not working as they once did, fully agree, for that has been my experience.

Where I depart is that I don’t see any of the damage as being "permanent" or needed to be "chronic". They can be. I’m an example of it. But, (And I’m not speaking for all betrayeds, just me,) it was mostly me who has caused the negative things to become chronic and potentially permanent. The bomb blast is 100% on my wife, and the healing needed is, at some level a shared responsibility however, at other levels 100% of self-healing is on the individuals to figure out. I am aware that there are many here who have firmly stated that I am wrong on this position but it is my contention that my wife has done her part, maybe not the way I’d like to see it done, and not particularly helpful to my processing, but none-the-less, she has. I’m at about 90%, which is about 20% further along than when I showed up here in June. So that’s growth with hope.

I'll stop with the analogy now,...

Dang, bummer, you were just starting to get through to me!

CAN STILL BE BEAUTIFUL, GOOD, FULFILLING. JOYFUL even. Being honest about how the natural consequences of traumatic events in our past STILL DIRECTLY AFFECT our present...does not (necessarily) preclude any of the above. It also does not require a diminishment (and certainly not a punishment) of our WW's.

YES, to all of the above, with a slight but imperative affirmation. "It also does not require a diminishment (and certainly not a punishment) of our WW's." I must not blind myself of the possibly that at some lower self-level, I might be unconsciously punishing my wife by, not just revisiting the past, but reliving it. That is the battle in which I am engaged.

BUT, I still offer for your consideration...that it is totally natural and even HEALTHY(?!!) to "live in the past" in this sense. The sense that says, yes, this event damaged me in these ways, limited me in these other ways, but I am committed to living in as much healing as I can while honeslty recognizing these realites.

I have given deep consideration and appreciation of your words of support. I think I may be parsing words, but I don’t think it is healthy to "live" in the past. To revisit the past to help reset a course of direction, yes that is extremely important. But to relive it, which is what I have been allowing myself to do, I have doubts about its value. At least to me, that is.

That was a lot to unpack and repack. Thank you WH for you have given me a lot to deliberate and rethink my thoughts. Your analogy, though too short 😊did hit home.

Asterisk

Formerpeopleperson,

=== You’re still missing an arm. You’re never going to get over that, or forget about it.
And maybe never trust your WW enough to remove the body armor.===
Oh man, other than the "never…going to forget about it" I sure hope you are in correct. Especially on the trust and armor aspect. To never trust her and to feel I must wear protection due to her past irresponsible decision, wow, I’d miss out on the best parts of love and affection. I’d rather risk taking the hit again.

Asterisk

Trumansworld,

"Love with scar tissue"

Yes, so very true. Scars, even ugly ones, can be a sign of healing. It is the wounds not the scars that takes an ongoing toll.

Great post Wounded Healer

I agreed, that was an amazing, well thought out and helpful post!

Asterisk

Unhinged,

There's that word again: should.

You know, though I’ve been scolded that I shouldn’t, I love the word should but maybe I shouldn’t. Should I reevaluate, the word should? It is so confusing! What should I do!!! LOL All if fun, my friend. I do get what you have said to me in the past about my use of "should" and though it may seem like it at times, your words are not falling on deaf ears. Maybe a little hard of hearing ears, I am 72, but I still still hear, just sometimes it takes a some repeating. 😊

I may no longer be a child, but that child still exists within me. I may no longer be a betrayed husband, but that betrayed husband still exists within me.

These are true words however, the question is, does the child or the betrayed husband that will always exist within dictate the future? How much voice do we give them? How much control? That is what I am wrestling with.

How do you view your wife, Asterisk? Do you see her as the sum total of all of your experiences with her? The good, the bad, and the ugly?

That is a fair question, Unhinged and an easy one to answer. I see all that she allows me to see. Everything else, is an assumption on my part. And that is where the trust got shattered. And yet, I have still chosen to accept what she exposes to me and to re-trust, knowing that I am taking a better informed risk. The sum-total of my experience with my wife is that I’m one hell of a lucky dude, even with the bad and ugly, to share a life and love with her.

=

She is the sum total of all of her experiences. Embrace her as the whole human being she is.

And I would say I do. It is not always painless but the cause of the current pain is my holding onto the pain that yes, she caused but I fear, am refusing to let go of. On that is on me, not her! And you along with so many others are helping me to untangle and reshape my thoughts so I can get back on the path that I slipped off of.

Asterisk

First, I agree with Unhinged in this thread, totally. I believe one can heal fully. I believe 'should' may have good uses, but telling oneself one 'should' do something is a trap.

That's not why I'm posting. I'm posting about vulnerability.

One of the reasons I wanted to R was that I liked being vulnerable to my W. I didn't have to hide from her. I could be myself. I could express my doubts about myself. I could express my strengths. All that was before d-day, and I thought I'd be able to be vulnerable again if R went right.

But I wasn't stupid. I didn't go back to full vulnerability immediately. I had to show some weakness (close to but not entirely the same as vulnerability) to test my W. I started small. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I think it may have been showing some anger. My W handled it well, so I proceeded to show a little more. Slowly, little by little, I continued to test her. She continued to step up. Eventually - my 3.5-4 years - I was able to minimized my fear of showing myself as I really am. Therapy helped.

So, Asterisk and Wounded Healer, I'd be interested in your thoughts on vulnerability, if you're willing to share them.

...does the child or the betrayed husband that will always exist within dictate the future? How much voice do we give them? How much control? That is what I am wrestling with.

Yes. It's the same voice. Total control. You, sir, are the sum total of all of your experiences. Child, teenager falling in love, husband, father, grandfather, all of it.

I agree with sisoon's take on being vulnerable. Our reactions to d-day and approach to R were a bit different, mostly because of my experiences as a teenager with my HS girlfriend.

How do you think your wife might react if she read all of your threads here, if you printed them all and gave them to her to read?

Could you be that vulnerable with her?

ETA: I shared my username with my exww shortly after joining. I don't generally recommend it. However, I think it helped us both. She created an account but didn't post much. She did, however, have a few PMs with a fww here and I'm pretty sure that she helped quite a bit.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:45 PM, Saturday, November 15th]

Asterisk --

These are true words however, the question is, does the child or the betrayed husband that will always exist within dictate the future? How much voice do we give them? How much control? That is what I am wrestling with.

I was beaten black and blue for nearly four years by my step-father. I'm not talking about spanking, I'm talking about a full grown man standing on my 9-year old throat until I passed out, I'm talking taking full adult fist punches to the gut -- full on childhood trauma.

When my mom finally discovered it, she got us out of there.

My wife's A's was four years too.

Two traumas, I didn't ask for either one.

How long should they own me?

The answer is -- as long as I let them.

Agency.

Choice.

Focus.

I am not powerless against any trauma I had.

I am not happy about any trauma or loss I have ever experienced, they all leave scars.

I took some time to heal in every case, every loss, and then I was ready to move beyond those horrible moments.

I will admit, I took some time to get to the point where I understood I had a choice.

I carried around the old bumper sticker in my head, life sucks, then you die.

I allowed my previous pain to drive my life.

Misery, I discovered, is a choice. At some point, it really is. You decide when enough is enough.

Yes, childhood trauma changed me.

Yes, infidelity changed me.

I am stronger for conquering them.

I felt all the feels, then I decided to focus on today.

I decided to be proud of winning over adversity.

I chose to aim for happy.

I am fully healed, and yet, covered in emotional and physical scars.

Those scars are old stories. The past is where it belongs, in the past.

I've crushed all the trauma before me, and I await the next test.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my coffee and take pictures of the sunset.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:32 PM, Saturday, November 15th]

Hello again,

I appreciate this conversation so much and have so much respect for everyone engaging here in this thread and their stories. Hopefully this isn't a threadjack, but I think continuing this conversation has a lot of value.

I will always struggle with the "math" of the deep, destructive trauma of infidelity being 100% recoverable 100% of the time with no exceptions and no middle ground(s).

Even if I hadn't had extensive personal experience with this, I would sorta be skeptical based on the sheer "absoluteness" of this concept. I mean, the sheer complexity of the psychology involved...the deepest, tenderest, core level stuff. It just seems at very least questionable to me to be so absolute about zero possible long term effects, zero possible residuals, and never less than good as new, without exception...when something so tender, complex, and intricate gets blown to bits. I mean, is it really so unbelievable to consider that the human "heart"/soul, in it's most sensitive and tender places, is at least as susceptible to potential permanent damage/lasting/lingering limitations or otherwise ill effects...as the human knee?

But, math aside (because I'm not here to be passionate about math 😉), I think there is a pretty dark consequence that this sort of absolutism risks inflicting upon BS's like Asterisk....like me. Long time BS's who can readily identify varying levels of, among other things, lasting pain, lingering effects, and otherwise ways in which their hearts don't quite "work" like they used to...maybe even particularly in relation to their WS.

Because in a world where, by doing the work, every infidelity wound is 100% fully, wholly, and completely recoverable every single time with no exception, and zero room for any nuance middle ground, lingering, lasting, residual, or, again I say, PERMANENT ill or limiting effects...there is literally only one explanation for the presence of anything of the sort...

It is the BS's fault.

Either the BS has failed in some way in the work required to heal, or (even worse?) they are "letting" or "choosing" to let any potential residual or lasting pain or otherwise associated limitations...have power over them.

That's it. You are either choosing your own pain and/or limitations or you have failed at your own healing in some way.

No chance whatsoever that any of those "residuals" can be explained by the fact that destruction was uncorked in the most complex, intricate, sensitive part of our humanity. No. It has to be either a choice or a failure of the BS. And I'll tell you, that math just doesn't math for me.

And...man...this sure seems to me to, at very least, run the risk of heaping potential buttloads of additional trauma on the one least able to afford it.

And, again, pain shopping, wallowing, not being, for whatever reason(s), fully vested in the healing work, getting comfortable in victimhood...are all things. Very real things. But, there's just no way they are the only things. My personal experience tells me this. So does my knee. And I think, so does most of the rest of how I've seen things work in the natural world.

I didn't catch a sunset today, but I have been watching my beautiful wife put the finishing touches on her annual magic trick that is the readying of our home for the holidays. I have a small fire in the fireplace and a rum and Coke within reach of the reading chair I'm sitting in. She made Amish chicken and noodles earlier. We have touched, kissed, and otherwise tenderly interacted as we have worked together today. Beautiful stuff. My heart is full... largely because of her presence here. I love her. Deeply.

And...there's lingering pain. Long-term for me. My affections for her don't work exactly like they used to...neither does passion...or pride. Trust. There are other things I can identity as well...things that are less than or diminished from what they were prior to the violence of infidelity.

And the fullness and joy that defines this very night (and the larger context of my life) with my wife...AND the lasting acute pain(s), associated limitations, diminishments and not-what-they-used-to-be's...can (becuase they ARE) be true at the same time. And that seems as right as rain to me. It tracks. It maths.

Healed. Yet also, to a degree(s), damaged. And that damage isn't present for lack of healing effort or work. And it sure as hell isn't being chosen. I know why it's here. And I know why my wife is here...

Because I, too, crushed the trauma of infidelity. And I bear in my heart and soul the effects of doing it. And, for what it's worth, at a core level, so have you, Asterisk. And for as crazy as all this is...at some level it's really no more complicated than that.

Blessings to all here tonight.

Truly.

WH

[This message edited by Wounded Healer at 4:52 AM, Sunday, November 16th]

It is the BS's fault.

I sure haven’t seen anyone suggest that.

All any of us can do is share our experience in hopes it helps someone else.

I lived a long, long time focusing on my pain, living in the past and being miserable. It was comfortable in a way, because I could at least depend on my misery.

A couple decades of learning about being able to choose my path, choose my day, choose my focus has made all the difference.

I can stare at my aforementioned scars all day, or on something else.

Agency isn’t an absolute to me, it is recognizing our inner strength.

The advice I got here helped a bunch on my worst day, "We tend to hit what we aim for."

Aiming to live in the now has been pretty good for me.

I imagine Asterisk is on the way to discovering his own path forward.

I think I read online that betrayal trauma leaves a bruise and eventually a scar that will only hurt when touched.

I think I witnessed this with a friend of mine. I have only know her a few years. I met her a few days past DD and whilst I was telling my story she opened up about her first husband, the father of a children, emotional betrayal. This betrayal was 20 odd years ago, her husband remains with the OW and she remarried a lovely man who treats her so much better. Whilst telling her story, she started to cry and I could feel the pain in her words.

I would consider my friend healed, she has divorced which many say leads to quicker healing l, and fallen in love again. Yet when she pressed on thar scar to retell her story to me...it hurt.

I believe the scars I will eventually have from my husband's betrayal will always hurt when pressed and that's just part of being human. I don't, however, plan on sitting round poking my scars all day to see if they still hurt.