SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I am now 9 months post DD when I found out about my husband's historic affair and I was doing really well. Counselling for both of us was doing well and I'm now seeing my counsellor fortnightly and feel like in a weird way I have more self esteem, self worth and authencity than ever before. I have realised I am a good person, a good mother and have been a good wife. I did not deserve to be cheated on and I feel my husband was on a path of his own destruction that he would have taken regardless of who he was married too.

He is now turning into the husband I have always wanted and deserved and I believe he truly loves me and our children. He has looked into his how's and why's and continues to address them in individual counselling which is a miracle from a man who used to avoid emotions.

However, this fortnight I have been so triggered. We had my youngest son's birthday which triggered me as he started the affair when I was pregnant so my son was born to an unfaithful father. Then it was my birthday and I remembered how he spoilt my birthdays during the affair, particularly my 30th birthday when I cried I was so disappointed. Then we have my graduation this weekend coming up (somehow i managed to graduate from my master's in between the trauma!). Finally, his conflict avoidant parents, (who have been very unsupportive and his mother cheated and left his dad for AP) are coming to stay this weekend and I'm terrified that they're going to trigger me with their insensitivity, or making light of my trauma (they think I should have gotten over it...urm, probably about 8 months ago!).

This has set me back to questioning how he could do this, and if I can stay. I love him, I love spending time with him, I love our family, I love our future plans, I love our life and I know he loves me BUT, there is always a BUT now. But he cheated. But he disrespected me. But he was a shitty husband and father to do this. But, but, but!

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

I believe in post traumatic growth. I know I will come out of this stronger. I know I will be ok with or without my husband. But, all I really want is peace and right at this moment in time, this triggered version of me feels I cannot find peace with or without my husband 😞

[This message edited by Evio at 5:35 PM, Monday, October 20th]

Finally, his conflict avoidant parents, (who have been very unsupportive and his mother cheated and left his dad for AP) are coming to stay this weekend and I'm terrified that they're going to trigger me with their insensitivity, or making light of my trauma (they think I should have gotten over it...urm, probably about 8 months ago!).

I feel for you here. First of all - I'm not sure I could have had that dynamic stay in my home. But IF this scenario comes to fruition and your WH does not stand up for you and tell his mother and/or AP to STFU or GTFO - you know where you stand and it is no where close to the top.

Congratulations on getting your Masters - bonus stars for getting it under such horrific circumstances.

Hi Chaos...it's my husband"s mum and dad that are coming to stay. They are amicable now and the AP is not on the scene (I don't think he ever left his wife)... cheating was quite normalised in his family as not only did his mum cheat, his aunt and sister both have children from affairs.

I've put off their visit for 9 months...they have been messaging my children asking them to visit and saying they miss them and as my MIL has cancer i really can't put it off any longer. Luckily I have counselling on day 2 of their visit so I will be able to offload then.

Thanks for the congratulations, really don't know how I've achieved it as ive experienced a ridiculous amount of stress the past two years!

Evio -

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

I certainly recall this particular trigger, this take.

I can't say if you will find a perspective like mine as you heal either.

My current perspective about my M -- it is the M I wanted (finally).

It was never authentic before the A. Both my wife and I played roles to avoid conflict, avoid problems and our communication methods were horrible, so whenever we tried to have difficult discussions they set us back. It was series of bad compromises and bad trades. My M before included resentments from both of us.

One thing hasn't changed for me in a decade, I still hate the A. I hate it. I feel good about hating it. Yeah it happened, but it gets to stay in the past.

However, it was the cleansing fire that changed everything in our relationship.

Today, our relationship is honest and authentic and we hammer out any new issues or old triggers in a matter of minutes. We talk. We care about each other more than ever before. We ditched the bullshit. No games, no masks. We replaced how we talk at each other with listening and kindness.

I celebrate that we somehow found happiness after the worst days neither of us planned for.

So few M make it to the other side of infidelity, fewer still find happiness and joy.

Every life, every M experiences pain -- and infidelity is never one of those horrors that people plan to experience. I just appreciate that we found a way to be better despite the unique pain of this stuff.

As for you today, I totally understand your trigger. I think I didn't embrace the work we were doing in R until I believed it, which was probably the start of year three. It may not feel like it , but you may actually be farther along in your healing than I was at the same time.

And crushing your Masters! Well done!

I could barely tie my shoes the first year after discovery.

What about having a conversation with them before they arrive and setting up boundaries and rules? Tell them up front what is and is not allowed and should they say or do anything to make you uncomfortable they will be told to leave and no, your husband, their son, will not intervene on their behalf.

This way everybody knows up front what is expected and allowed and they know the consequences should they not follow your rules in your home

Evio, I feel ya. The rollercoaster just fucking sucks, doesn't it?

We had my youngest son's birthday which triggered me...

I had moments like those, when I felt comfortable, normal, happy, relaxed, I was smiling, enjoying the moment, and then... just a thought, a glimpse of the white rabbit and I found myself falling into the depths of the rabbit hole.

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

For me, d-day was the day my marriage ended. It was over. Two months later I was talking to a divorce lawyer. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. I grieved the end of my marriage. I grieved the loss of the wife I thought knew. And for what? Ego kibbles, external validation?

Infidelity permanently and fundamentally alters the nature of a relationship. It might help you to view your marriage as history. It may help you to find the peace your looking for. Not a solution in itself, but a small piece of the puzzle.

As for wedding anniversaries, d-day antiversaries, and in-lwas... set your boundaries and stand your ground.

I should add... reconciliation requires, I think, building and defining a "new deal," starting from scratch, so to speak. Terms and conditions will apply, you know?

A BS can anticipate many of the triggers life holds for them, but the tough ones are unexpected, and those hurt a lot. In the end, though, I think every trigger is pain coming to the surface so it can be released. They jurt, but they are progress in healing, unless one stuffs the feelings.

My reco is to roll with them. Accept them. Check each one to see if it's an indicator that you really want out. Test your WS by seeking support, to find out if they'll step up or not.

Triggers last longer than anyone thinks they should. Eventually, if you let them do their work, they'll stop. My experience and reading say they will get less frequent and less intense as you heal; if they don't, it may be that you're avoiding an issue.

The Body Keeps Score probably provides insight into triggering, though in recent years it's been criticized on conceptual and empirical grounds.