SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is 2 weeks from D-Day # 2 and 6 weeks from D-Day 1. My now ex partner and I have been together for 10 years, met in high school, and have lived together in 3 apartments for over 6 years. She was my first love and only person I’ve ever been intimate with. We’ve had problems of uncertainty navigating our 20’s together, but overall, what seemed like a functioning relationship.

D-day 1: I discovered that last summer she slept with someone while on a girl’s trip. This was her best friend’s (since middle school) cousin. This was a true one night stand and no one knew, not even her best friend who was on the trip, until recently. They swore to not contact each other after the trip, but he reached out, I saw the message, and she confessed. I attempted reconciliation for a painstaking month where she swore on the lives of everyone she loves that this was the only time she ever cheated. She gave me access to her phone, we talked about the one night stand excessively, and she seemed to show genuine remorse. I know now that this month was filled with gaslighting, blameshifting, and more lies.

D-Day 2: 2 weeks ago, I logged onto her laptop which unbeknownst to her had messages from years ago (2023) still on the Messages app (long since deleted on her phone). I found flirty messages and photos being sent to a few deleted numbers. When I confronted her, she broke down and confessed to cheating me with at least 2 other people that I know from her work over the last 4/5 years. Both were bosses/colleagues that I’ve met, shaken hands with, and invited to our homes. I even made comments about how close she was with these individuals, but trusted her anyway after she would lie to my face. One of the AP’s is twice her age and has been married for decades (I have no intention of informing the other betrayed spouse who is suffering from medical issues). My ex mentioned flirty messages and emotional affairs prior, but I believe she may have been cheating on me for a majority of our relationship (8/9 years). Cheating took place everywhere: our home, work, business trips, cars, and hotels. I often drove her to and from work and attending work events where her AP’s were present.

I asked her to leave the house, removed her from the lease, gave her time to get all of her belongings, and have blocked her number. She sent me a multi-paragraph email apologizing and blaming herself and insecurities, but I responded that we can only communicate about logistics. Yesterday, all of her belongings have been taken from the house and I now have no reason to contact her. Some family lent me money to cover my bills for a few months while I stay in our rented apartment.

I got tested for STD’s, increased my anxiety medication, have been in therapy for a month, informed all my friends & family, replacing my furniture, deleted 10 years of photos, and am working hard to get through each day, but I’m struggling massively. I’ve read NO SOLICITING and have been on this site incessantly for a few weeks now.

I know now that she was a serial cheater, likely with narcissistic personality disorder which was exacerbated by my codependency, but I need some advice and support on how to move forward. She was the only person I’ve ever been intimate with, I’ve never lived alone, and losing her family (which was like a second family to me) has all been so painful. I’m finding myself ruminating over 10 years of memories which are now all ruined. Every sexual experience I’ve had is now tainted. I’m triggered all the time and scared that these memories and the betrayal will not get better. I’ve never dated anyone except her and it’s so overwhelming to think she was dating and having sex with people behind my back for most of the relationship. Any advice and support would be much appreciated.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:01 AM, Tuesday, March 11th]

Time.

It will get better.

It will never get good, but it will get better.

Best wishes.

Welcome to SI and so sorry for your pain. You mention that you've been lurking, but I want to make sure you know about the pinned posts at the top of the forum and the Healing Library is at the top of the site. There is a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum called Betrayed Menz that you may find interesting.

First, I suggest you take time and recover. Through therapy, you'll become more confident in yourself and can learn some red flags that you may have missed with your STBXWW (soon to be ex-wayward wife). Betrayal trauma is tough. Focus on healing now, and relationship stuff can come along later.

One thing that helped me was watching Dr. Ramani videos on YouTube. She specializes in narcissistic abuse (as well as psychopath/sociopath abuse). FWIW, my XWH (wayward ex-husband) is a diagnosed covert narc. Whether your STBXWW is diagnosable, or just has narcissistic tendencies, the videos can be helpful in understanding some of the things that went on and that you weren't crazy/mistaken, etc.

One of the things that I did was to think through the memories. When I was happy, sad, frustrated, or other emotion, I was experiencing that emotion. Didn't matter if XWH did or not. My memories were my memories, as authentic as I knew at the time. It was painful at first, but after time and healing, I can remember those things fondly.

I walked out of a 6 year relationship, 4 weeks and 6 days before we intended to marry.
I get it. I get it’s hard.
You ask for advice. I can basically only share what I did, and maybe what I have learnt since.

For one – it’s NOT you. We have this adage here that goes something like "They cheat despite you, not because of you". It’s hard to grasp because we tend to think they cheated due to something we did or did not do. Well... no.
It does sound like your ex cheated for the reason I think 99% of those that cheat cheat: For validation. People get healthy forms of validation all the time, and often seek them out. Praise at the job, being asked to be with people, getting a comment about how good we look, improving our golf-handicap... Nothing wrong with appreciating validation. It’s when we go seeking it that the problems can occur.
IMHO and with my armchair-degree at psychoanalysis... I think that when we seek validation we might do things we know aren’t right to get that validation. Like embezzle money so we can have a nice car to get validation from the neighbors. Like hitting on – and hooking up with – people simply to validate we still "got it". In your exes case... her superior at work to prove she has value to the workplace.

I don’t really know why my ex would have sex with random men. Maybe it was some form of validation that despite having been in a monogamous relationship (well... at least for one of the two in said relationship...) she still "had it". I didn’t stay around to find out why.
We lost touch pretty soon. I left that city about 2 years later, and have only been back to visit family. Last time I heard about her was about 20 years after d-day, and it was a sad picture. Twice divorced, abusive relationships, dysfunctional family and substance abuse.
I believe in redemption. I think people can change. But it’s clear she didn’t. She continued on the path she was on, and that path eventually led her to where she is. I guess your ex might be the same. If she’s already had 2 workplace affairs with supervisors, chances are she will have a third, and fourth... I hope your ex changes, just like I wish my ex had changed. It wouldn’t have altered my decision to end our relationship, but my present is in no way better or worse, or even dependent, on how my exes life has gone. I hope your ex changes, but it doesn’t have to be with you.

My advice? Well... what I did was remove myself from that environment.
If you are leasing an apartment that is connected to your life together, seriously consider moving out ASAP.
Accept that some friends will drop off the face of the earth. No need to expect them to remain neutral or never see her again or side with you. Turns out that some friends are there because of you, others because of her and some because of you two as a couple. The ones that count will remain.

Be active. I had this rule that if I realized I was all blue and sad I would do an activity. I would hit the gym, take a jog, clean my car, clean the house, take a walk... Basically I refused to allow myself to wallow in sorrow doing nothing. Might as well benchpress while feeling sorry for myself. Turns out your mind will go on to task-at-hand...

Get help. That help can be friends and family. That help can be therapy. That help can be medicines.

Last but not least – and also the first: Remember this is not due to you.

There are 1000 ways for cheaters(ws) to lie, find excuses or not care. Every BS feels grief. Some feel anger, some feel ashamed, some feel alone, and some just keep going. I kept going. It sounds like, from your writing, she has never grown up and you have. Y’all might be the same physical age, but you’re not emotionally the same age. Unless she is willing to put the work in to fix what’s wrong with her you have practically nothing to work with. The hardest thing to accept is you did not cause this and you cannot fix it. This is all on her. It almost sounds like she doesn’t care enough.

There’s a poster on here,1stwife, who is such a good role model for any BS because she went through the agony of a husband who cheated emotionally and physically and told her he was divorcing her. She lived in uncertainty for months until one day she said enough is enough. She told her husband she was divorcing him and it woke him up. I suggest you read some of her posts because I think it will help you understand that standing your ground and looking after yourself is the best thing you can do whether you divorce or reconcile.

Please take care of your health. That is such an important thing. If you let it break you down and you can’t manage your life very well you’re going to pay the ultimate price somewhere down the road.

I know now that she was a serial cheater, likely with narcissistic personality disorder which was exacerbated by my codependency, but I need some advice and support on how to move forward.

I see 2 sets of things you need to do.

First, feel your feelings. You've suffered a big loss, and you've been traumatized. You can't heal overnight. You will have to exert time and effort to resolve the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever that come with being betrayed. The thing is: the time and effort will pay off very positively.

Second, move from co-d to authenticity. Know what you want and ask for it. Know what you want to give, and give it.

You've probably got a lot of years to live. You may never forget being betrayed. You may never forget your STBX partner. But you can make this experience a springboard to a great, joyful life.

A good IC can help. In fact, if you make progress on one of the fronts above, you'll make simultaneous progress on the other.

You've got lots of reasons for optimism, IMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:20 PM, Friday, March 14th]

Hey New, sorry you're here, or at least need to be here. I'd say this is tough given your unique situation but you will get through it.

I'm someone who feels things very deeply, ot at least I used to. I'm older now and my life experiences have left a much more cautious and guarded person.

I remember early on. The sadness and despair. It was like it had weight and substance, a heaviness which I could almost feel if I reached out in front of me. I didn't think I would ever recover, yet here I am, content.

What helped me greatly was some simple yet profound advice given to me by a bhuddist monk. He said, "You are not your feelings, you are merely experiencing them. Do not say you are sad. That is not who you are. Do not let it be your identity. Rather, say, right now I am experiencing the feeling of sadness and when it has taught me all I can learn from it, I will experience a different feeling."

That simply advice taught me that feelings are transitory, not perminant. I no longer fight my dark times but embrace them. I turn into them and walk through them. It took me a bit of practice to get it right, but things are much easier for me. Plus the dark times got shorter for me as I wasn't fighting them or myself.

Take the boilerplate advice on this site. It's good advice. Keep posting, go NC with your STBXWW and focus on yourself. Inform the other BSs if possible as they have the right to live authentically just as you do. As for the medical issue, that's your call, but don't let it be an excuse you have to live with. You're carrying enough; you don't need yo carry his secret.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:15 PM, Sunday, March 16th]

NC,

Very sorry for how you’ve been abused & traumatized. You’ve done well to expunge this woman from your life, and are sticking to hard NC. Just one thought:

I have no intention of informing the other betrayed spouse who is suffering from medical issues

Is there only one OBS? And even at one, let me ask you this: if someone knew your X was cheating on you for years, and deliberately chose not to clue you in, how would you feel about that person?

Welcome to SI. I’m glad to see some of our Menz posting here.

You sound like you are off to a really good start. Honestly o didn’t managed a fraction of what you’ve done when I first found out. GREAT WORK!

Just accept that this is going to suck for awhile. Unlearning codependency is such a mindfuck. I remember not really knowing how I felt about things or how to interact with the world without bringing it through the filter of my ex.

It will get better.

You’re going to be ok.

Keep posting.

Good afternoon all,

First, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to read and offer kind words and advice. Today is 4 weeks post D-Day #2 and separation. I wanted to provide a couple quick updates and points:

- I’ve been no-contact now for about 2 weeks sans some final logistics (money, belongings).

- I made the very tough decision to block her family on all social media. I did not engage them about her behavior as I value them and the relationships we’ve built over the years, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to speak to them without sharing what I know. Losing them has been, at times, tougher than the loss of my now ex. They are her family and will take her side regardless so no point in attempting to reach out to them unless they seek my opinion.

- Regarding my living situation, I intend to remain in the house we rent despite it being part of our previously shared life. While the memories and triggers exist, many other options including moving do not seem viable or particularly financially feasible at the moment. I’ve been investing in new furniture and redecorating while I give myself a few months to decide if I should stay or move.

I’ve been trying to surround myself with family and friends and I even took a small solo trip on my own, but the rumination and intrusive thoughts persist. I hope as I continue my therapy and healing journey that these will lessen, but it’s been a hard few weeks.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with is letting go control of the narrative she’s shaping with her family and friends. I understand that I can’t control what she tells people, but I care deeply about my reputation and it’s painful to have to let go of how she is likely spinning this to friends and family. I was made aware that her social media still reflects that we’re in a relationship and no photos have been deleted. I’ve asked to be shielded from this information moving forward, but now that I know, it gives me pause to think she’s lying about her situation and smearing my name to others.

I will continue to post and share what has been effective or my struggles. This community truly does help me few less alone and I’m grateful to have a place to share my thoughts with others who have been through similar situations. I’m trying hard to believe that it will get better.

Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by NewChapter123 at 9:43 PM, Monday, March 24th]

You’ve received some fantastic advice. Absorb it. It truly has nothing to do with you being inadequate - it was all her tremendously unhealthy identity and morals - and you are in so much a better place to have discovered that now rather than another 10 years down the road and with kids and a family to complicate everything.

Emotional healing is the same as physical healing - it takes time and great rehab and therapy to recover and strengthen and heal what was broken. Make a plan for your emotional healing and be serious about it (counseling, etc.)

When you’re ready and able, forgive and move on from this. She was broken, and tried to break you in the process. Pray she heals and becomes healthy herself.

You’re handling this very well. But don’t be surprised at the pain you are feeling. It’s normal and natural. Work on your healing.

[This message edited by JimBetrayed62 at 11:35 PM, Monday, March 24th]

You’re on the right track. Hang in there!

Your original stance on not telling anyone you can see now was incorrect. At least from my perspective. One of the reasons we people here tell you to expose the affair is for self protection. There’s been many cases where the BS didn’t say anything, and the WS spun tales of physical abuse, mental abuse and all sorts of lies. Because lying is what they do.
It’s smarter to get ahead of the whole thing and sing the truth from the mountain top. Let her deal with the fallout.

New

I support that you stick to the high road and don’t take part in any form of mud-slinging. However – being truthful is not mud-slinging if done in a careful way.

So I share my experience: Possibly the only thing I regret post-d-day was the letter I sent to the people invited to our marriage. In it I wrote something like "sorry to announce that I – Bigger – won’t be attending the marriage. It might still be on, seeing as she seems to have found someone else".
I wanted to hurt her. But I guess I started regretting it the moment I dropped the envelopes into the postbox.
I regret having done this for a couple of reasons. One being that the hurt and embarrassment I caused her and her family didn’t do anything to better me and my position, and also because I let myself down. I dropped to a lower moral- and ethical level that I want to be on.

But if asked – and to stakeholders in the relationship – I would say that I broke if off because of her infidelity. I only mentioned this if asked, and if the person really was a stakeholder. Like our parents and siblings are stakeholders, as are best friends. Joe the guy whom I sometimes spotted for at the gym... he had no reason to know.
I was careful with my words. I didn’t say "she was f---ing another man", but rather that she was having an affair, had a lover or was unfaithful. Since I only knew of one OM I used the singular, even after it was confirmed I could use the plural. By the time I knew that, quantity wasn’t really an issue.

I didn’t elaborate more on it, didn’t offer details, name names or frequency or anything like that. I didn’t enter discussions about how serous, if it was really that bad or if she was a total rhymes-with-witch or whatever. Didn’t argue if someone said her story contradicted mine or whatever. I just said this is my reason, and that’s it.

What others thought...
Didn’t really bother me.

Like your ex GF middle brother... (or sister, or her moms older sister or dad’s uncle or whatever...): What harm will it do you if they think you are a real SOB and looser for letting her go? After some initial attempts by her parents to convince me to give her another chance I think I met them 3-4 times over the next decades. Her dad and I got along really well, and he was a great guy (both since deceased). But if they both spent the rest of their lives backstabbing me... I was never aware.

Just like her friends maybe ganging up to support her, along with her family. If some of them think backstabbing you is the way to go... well... so be it. It won’t have any long-term impact on anyone you care to be around.
That’s another thought: Some friends will remain her friends, and stop socializing with you. Some will remain your friends. Some will just fade away.
Wife and I have our friends. I have mine – fishing buddies and colleagues and so on – she has hers, and we also have a number of couples as friends. If we were to divorce I would expect her best friend dropping off my social calendar. Not because of any hate or anything like that, but rather because the reason we interact has gone.
This doesn’t happen because the friend or couple have a meeting where they decide who is in the right and who is in the wrong, it’s more because they are your friends because of you, or because of her or because of you two as a couple.

Yes – Now and maybe the next 2-3 weeks people will talk. There will be gossip. Some will say that you didn’t deserve her and say stuff like "No wonder she went outside the relationship – what with HIM as he is". Some will say "that’s not a great reason to sacrifice 10 years", some will call her a whore. Others – your friends – will digest this info and then move on. Then after a couple of weeks, some big Hollywood star or local politician will be caught with his pants down in a cathouse and their focus will move there.

Don’t worry what other say or think. This isn’t a competition.

New,

There’s an old "joke":

"When a husband cheats, it’s because he’s an asshole.

When a wife cheats, it’s because her husband is an asshole."

You’re mostly going to lose the blame game. Don’t worry about it.