SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
I really hope someone can help me. Six weeks ago I received a text from an old friend - she was my husband's best man's wife and the mother of his godson and he had known her for over 25 years since their army days.
Out of the blue, she texted me whilst I was at my new job and told me she had had an affair with my husband years ago and he had to pay the consequences as it was part of the reason her marriage had finally broken down. I was shocked and ran outside to ring my husband who told me he had a two year affair with her in the army before we got together. I was cross he hadn't told me and she was part of my wedding but went back to work and told him we would deal with it later. He went on to text me apologetic texts saying I'd never get over it and it dawned on me it must have happened during our 20 marriage. He fiercely denied this before finally admitting it 8 hours and hundreds of texts later. He then went to work and left me to come home distraught to my teenage kids who had to see me sobbing and vomiting.
He moved out to a hotel for a few days but I was in a terrible state and got put on sleeping tablets and beta blockers by the doctor. He eventually came back as I had no one else to comfort me.
He has been extremely remorseful and I've finally got the full truth as much as he can remember as it was 12 years ago. He basically reignited an affair with her when I was pregnant that was mainly sexting and 4 sexual encounters when my 3 rd child was 8 weeks old and I was struggling with pnd and her husband was away with the army and she was 5 months pregnant 🤮. Followed by more sexting then 3 more sexual encounters 6 months later when she had given birth and her husband, his best friend, was away again and I was undergoing operations and health problems Then more sexting for a year until we went to her and his best friends vow renewal! It then fizzled out but they continued to text as friends until 6 months later her husband found their texts. Contact ended for a year but no one told me. She then texted him sporadically to check in as a friend until recently and he then texted back to 'keep his secret safe'. She was/is highly unattractive and alcoholic and he says he did it because it was easy,, in a plate, a thrill, an ego boost etc
He has since been so remorseful, had counselling and been reading books etc
I have spent the last two years processing childhood trauma, family illness, estrangement and caring for autistic kids whilst studying and dealing with anxiety and health conditions and this has tipped my mental health over the edge.
He tells me he has changed and was stupid and he regrets it but I can't cope with the morality of it...who shags their best mates wife then becomes godfather to his son, invites him to be best man at his wedding and goes to his vow renewal? Who leaves his wife, who has pnd and childhood trauma with two toddlers and a newborn to shag an ugly alcoholic. Who makes those decisions consistently over 2 years then keeps it secret. Oh and he finally told me he didn't use protections and he swears none of her kids are his but by the ages they could be and we have had to do std tests! I just can't understand this and feel he is a 'bad' person. My mental health mentor says its because my worldview and black and white thinking from childhood trauma means I split things into good and bad. I just feel so silly for trusting him and feel I have no chance of happiness with or without him. I feel he has stolen my past, present and future. I feel like I am homeless, loveless, worthless and I'll never get happy again 😢
Can this ever work? Can I ever forgive him with my trauma background? I'm exploring EMDR, I just want to forget it all. I love him and our life and I want to make it work and I'm scared of being on my own and have no family support or close friends. Will it ever get better?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I want to say that it does get better but it takes time. My DDay was over nine months ago and I'm still not over it and probably won't be for a long time. People on here say it takes 2-5 years to fully heal and that seems like a long time but it also seems accurate. I know how you feel about feeling like he's a bad person but also loving him too. My WS is such a wonderful husband aside from his cheating which seems like an oxy moron but remember no one is perfect. You're going to feel ALL those things for awhile, the black and the white. You have to decide what you can live with or forgive. There are others on here who will give you better advice and guidance than me but I just want you to know you are not alone here and you're feelings are totally normal. Hugs.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information. In the ICD (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for people who found out years later.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma or trauma-informed counselor may be a good idea for you. If you're having trouble with sleeping or depression, please see your doctor for some meds. They can help you through the tough spots.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Also, he could benefit from IC to learn to be a safe partner. One thing he should learn is that this wasn't a stupid mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. He made deliberate decisions to cheat on you and then lie about it.

It does get better with time and healing. But it can be tough. Both partners have to be all in, and it still takes a lot of work.

So very sorry. Hang in there. Get a Betrayal Trauma Therapist. Get book "Betrayal Bind" and read. Go to Jake Porters "Dating Ventures" YouTube channel and start digging into his content. Guarantee he will help you. Your feelings are all justified.

I’m so sorry that you had to find us, Evio.

As many of us do, you can have trauma in your background, but make no mistake, what you are reacting right now his foreground, right now, present trauma caused by your WH’s horrible actions. Even without childhood trauma, you would be devastated by this current new trauma.

That said, the mingling of past and present traumas is horrible. It really does make you question whether you can ever recover.

I would also just push back a bit on your counselor saying that the way you view him is because of your worldview and black and white thinking. Anyone would view his actions here as deplorable because they objectively ARE horrible. He had no loyalty to his wife, his children, his best friend. By pretty much any measure, his actions speak for themselves without any need to blame anything on your worldview.

Please take care of yourself right now. If possible, find trauma counseling support to help you get through the day and begin to heal. He really needs to figure out how he could let himself do this and get busy on the long, arduous process of becoming a remorseful, decent spouse. That’s his job. Let him take care of it and everything else while you take excellent care of you and your kids.

Hugs of support to you.

Thanks everyone. I start trauma counselling on Tuesday. I just feel so surreal, it's like I'm in the bloody Truman show.
I feel like it would almost be better if he fell in love with another woman, but to choose to sneak around with his best friends wife who is, and I'm not just saying this to mean, a rough, unattractive woman is just so humiliating. I feel like he has thrown me and kids under the bus for a dirty kink!

So sorry you are here Evio, they always cheat down. The vermin my husband cheated with is 21 years younger than me and still not worthy of licking the dirt from my shoes. It’s extremely insulting, embarrassing and soul destroying when they cheat with something that looks like it should be flushed down a toilet but I don’t think it’s about looks I think it’s about opportunity and ease, if the opportunity arises and it’s handed to them on a plate the temptation can become overwhelming. Not an excuse of course but I can promise you it’s got nothing to do with you and how you look.
Take care of yourself Evio, keep posting it does help.

Evio,

His cheating wasn’t about you, and it wasn’t about her.

It was about him. No, not your husband; HER husband.

Men are competitive. They compete for women.

Fucking another man’s wife is a big victory, a huge ego boost. It wasn’t about her desirability; it was about his.

You say her husband is military. Your husband probably got a big "masculinity" boost from this.

Men are wired for a different age. It’s left us all, idiots.

I did wonder about that...he was young when he first started the affair and could have anyone he wanted but chose his mates wife who had kids instead of anyone else. He told me first time he kissed her his mate was in the other room 😲🤮

Your husband has a big hole in his psyche when it comes to women. Why? Who knows. I think it comes from rejection in high school. Others will disagree.

But that hole allowed his lunacy to get out.

It was some time ago. Maybe he was one and done.

Were there others? Who knows. Will he do it again? Who knows.

There is always risk. There was risk when you married him. You didn’t think so then, but you know it now. There is risk in staying with him. There is risk in starting over with someone else.

Many believe the risk in staying can be reduced by him doing the necessary "work." Therapy, introspection, boundaries. The hole can be plugged.

My question is, the day before you learned about this, did you love him? Did he love you?

If so, then I think: stay. Love is hard to find. Make him do the work and reduce the risk going forward.

See this as an opportunity to get some nice presents. You deserve them.

This was never about you.

And that woman is not your friend.

Best wishes.

** Member to Member **

Men are competitive.

I'm glad there are no competitive women.

They compete for women.
Fucking another man’s wife is a big victory, a huge ego boost. It wasn’t about her desirability; it was about his.
You say her husband is military. Your husband probably got a big "masculinity" boost from this.
Men are wired for a different age. It’s left us all, idiots.

I'm sure many agree with you. I'm just as sure that many don't.

I never competed for women. Instead, I looked for good matches between me and the women I dated more than once. I'm certainly guilty of idiocy, but not in the areas you mention.

T urge you to

Speak for yourself.
Write about yourself.
Do not presume to speak for others without their expressed permission.

Obviously I trigger when someone presumes to speak for me.... Besides, over-generalizing is an enemy of healing, IMO.

I love him more than anyone and I believe he loves me too but just has/had some sort of impulsive/reckless/sick side to him that he indulged.

I don't think he will do it again.

I don't think I will find a lovely like this again.

I don't think I can be happy without him.

But I don't think I can get the thoughts out of my head 😞

I feel rejected, unwanted and unloved by everyone I've ever loved 😞

I love him more than anyone and I believe he loves me too but just has/had some sort of impulsive/reckless/sick side to him that he indulged.

I don't think he will do it again.

I don't think I will find a love like this again.

I don't think I can be happy without him.

But I don't think I can get the thoughts out of my head 😞

I feel rejected, unwanted and unloved by everyone I've ever loved 😞

Gently, you love the person you thought they were.

Infidelity is incredibly painful. The self-esteem takes a hit, so you'll need to work on rebuilding it. I'm reality, your WH has a hole and needs to work on his brokenness.

I love him more than anyone and I believe he loves me too but just has/had some sort of impulsive/reckless/sick side to him that he indulged.

You may be right. Alas, that reckless streak is hurting you.

More important, the reckless streak is in him, and he's the only one who can stop it. What is he doing to change?

I don't think he will do it again.

What's the basis of this belief?

I don't think I will find a love like this again.

Is this love good for you? No. At best it's mixed. It may even be damaging to you.

I don't think I can be happy without him.

But you're not happy with him!

But I don't think I can get the thoughts out of my head

I feel rejected, unwanted and unloved....

I think that's normal at this point.

I understand something about how you feel. As a BS, I went through something similar. Given your history of trauma, I urge you to seek the help of a good therapist. You're experiencing trauma on top of trauma, and a good therapist can really help. You've done a lot of work on yourself already, so you know you can do it.

All you have to do is recognize the truth that you're loving, lovable, and capable. You can heal, survive, and thrive. (ETA: I should have added that I know it's much easier said than done.)

(((Evio))) - a hug, if you want one from a stranger.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:20 PM, Sunday, March 2nd]

It can take up to two years to heal from being a BS.

Let time and your IC work its course.

Do not rush into MC before your IC gets your footing back.

Then you will be in a better frame of mind to decide whether divorce or recovery will be what is best for you.

I can't last 2 years last years. I manage work then just shut and can't function, I feel so hopeless about the future. I am living a life I didn't choose because of my husband's selfish actions and I resent it. I want to go back in time 😭

Evio, I’m just over 2 months post D day too, 2years sounds horrific I know but what other choice do we have?, I guess we’re going to have to go through it, not round under over or back we’ve got to go through it!.
Did we want to NO, were we given a choice NO, will resentment help us get through it NO.
I’m feeling all the things you are feeling and most days they get the better of me but one thing I’m learning is to take one day at a time, sometimes I take it down to an hour at a time. Try not to see in to the future too much, there’s lots of questions that can be answered another time, the main priority it just to get through today.
We will get through this I’m sure of it, take care Evio sending a big hug to you.

In the early days it feels impossible. But it IS possible. I used to have a spreadsheet with 15 minutes increments marked on it, and I put a check box in each box as I made it through the next 15 minutes. Not if I was productive, or didn’t cry — just survived. Just lived. Just breathed. At first that is the best you can do.

The shock is real. This takes longer to get through than any of us want. But you will get through.

Re-read the post from SISOON. Really wise stuff in that post.

Meanwhile, take care of you. Focus on YOU. Drink water, get daily exercise, eat healthy food, get sleep. See your doctor if you are struggling with sleeping and anxiety. MANY of us needed to go on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs for a while to help get through it. If you can’t eat, add protein shakes or smoothies and sip those through the day.

And most of all, watch his actions and ignore his words. Words are cheap and easy. What is he DOING to fix what is broken, which is him?

Please trust that you can get through this, no matter how it ends up. You really can. We’ve walked this path and we wish it on no one, and we know you can survive it. Sending strength and virtual (((hugs))).

Thank you for the replies everyone. I feel a bit better today and I'm meeting my counsellor tonight.

My husband was shitty in Sunday...walked off when I was crying and saying I didn't want to be here anymore and just shut down. He has apologised since and says this coping strategy will take a look Ng time to unlearn. Problem is, when he shuts down, I see the man who was capable of compartmentalising the affair and fooling me for two years. I see the soldier in him but most of all I see a weak, pathetic man who can't manage his emotions and conflict and that makes me pity him whereas I used to look up to him and adore him!

For what's it worth, it was 'just sex' and sexting...around 7 episodes of sex and/or blow jobs...I really don't get what she got out of it.

I think he's changed in many ways....he used to be impulsive with spending, need high adrenaline jobs and be explosive in arguments but he is not like that now. He says he has grown up and 'got it out of his system'.
I also think he would be a psychopath to do this again after seeing how much it's destroyed me and our kids.
I just can't picture being on my own...I have no family support and few friends as I was codependent with my husband. I have been with him since I was 23 and just don't know how to be alone. I worry the loneliness will consume me.
I also do love him, we live in our dream area and had so many plans now the kids are getting older...camper vans and holidays, cruises and home improvements...I just don't want to give all that up but I am disgusted by what he has done and 'who' he is 😞