SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bruce...are you trying reconciliation with your WS?

I know you are thinking a million things at the minute but try to stay in the present and focus on fixing yourself before making any decisions about your future.
Unfortunately you are on an emotional rollercoaster that means you will have good days and not so good days then days that are not very good at all. This is normal and hang on in there.

Yes Evio we are trying reconciliation, it’s not easy and sometimes I really want to give up but I just can’t let what happend destroy my whole family and life.

Bruce...I've just read through your post...my husband is reacting in exactly the same way as your husband and I seem to be reacting like you. Even though the affairs were different our reactions and length of relationships seem to be similar.

I feel the same, so I let a meaningless on off fling for 2 years end 20 years together and a beautiful life? But how to I get over the betrayal, my mind whirls constantly and it's so bloody exhausting 😞

Dear Evio and Bruce123 ...please go to Jake Porters videos and pour through them. And you can get help through his program "Daring Ventures". Your pain is real...this is life altering. The one you felt was your safe place, was actually acting as an enemy...this is utterly abusive. Recommend very depend much on them...of they are truly broken and willing put in significant effort to amend what they have shattered. Don't give up...it will get better. One thing that really helped me was to seek Jesus like never before ...only He was able to stabilize my heart and give me strength. Also remember, forgiveness starts with a decision, but is a process.

BTW, betrayed husbands feel the same as you ...shattered, wounded, like you are living a nightmare. Hang in there.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 8:38 PM, Tuesday, March 4th]

Evio,
I know exactly what you’re feeling but the question of how to get over the betrayal I don’t have an answer to because I haven’t figured it out myself yet.
Your brain will keep going at 100 miles per hour every day, if it stops and you forget your reality for a short moment you will feel as if you have taken a shot gun wound to the chest when your reality returns- I hate this part.
I’m not thinking clearly right now and I very much doubt you are so I’m not making any decisions about anything right now and neither should you, the only thing I’m deciding it to make sure I get through every day the best way I can.
Some days are better than others CBT therapy is helping and of course SI helps massively.
Keep posting on here it really does help.
I’m like you, I don’t have any family or friends it’s just me H and our kids so getting things off my chest here is a great help.
Take care Evio, one foot in front of the other.

I'm 10 weeks post DD today and things had been going pretty well but I suffer with bad PMS and so I knew this week was going to be hard. Whilst I don't feel suicidal like I did last pms week, I do feel sad, angry and betrayed. Whilst my WH had been handling my anger well up until now, it seems the anticipation of pms rage has made him instantly defensive and he has reacted the past two days when I told him:

I wish bad people would marry bad people and good people, the good people

He treated me AND his ex partner the same way in that he cheated on us both (I didn't know he'd cheated on ex or me until 10 weeks ago)

He feels like a stranger to me

I believe he is still the same man who cheated 12 years ago on me because he didn't address his underlying issues

He has something wrong with him because he never sought to end this on/on sex/sexting affair over 2-3 years and was able to compartmentalise it without feeling guilty.

He says speaking to him like this won't help he get better and makes him feel I have given up on him. I don't give a fuck about his feelings right now! Am I in the wrong?

Also I am annoyed he has a family member with special needs who keeps asking what my son is doing for a big birthday this year because we were originally planning a big family party or holiday but this affair reveal has put a spanner in the works! Instead we are planning a small family trip with just me my husband and sons, however, my husband will not tell his parents and family his plans as he doesn't want to upset them and is afraid they will book to join us! This just shows me he is still being a conflict avoidant, people pleaser and prioritising himself avoiding discomfort by telling them rather than prioritising his wife and kids who he has BETRAYED!!!

I am starting to realise the strong man I thought I married doesn't exist and he is actually a very weak man. Can he ever change? Should I just be on my own? I know he loves me and I love him but I don't know if thats enough to forgive his affair, lies, and above or his core personality of this weak, insecure, conflict avoidant, people pleaser I now realise he is

Hey Evio, PMS week or fortnight in my case is horrible without having to deal with betrayal trauma, go easy on yourself you’re doing the best you can.

Im shocked at how similar our H’s personalities are, have you spoken to him about the people pleasing and being unable to say no? I’ve had to put my foot down on this one because it makes me feel unsafe and panicky I think that’s what you may be feeling too.
I’ll explain……my H is a massive people pleaser & can’t say no, he told me that AP would find him at work and offer to help him with his job, he’d say ‘I’m fine’ but she would say she’d do it for him as she’d finished her job and was bored. At the end of the shift she’d then ask for a lift home and because she’d helped him with his work load the people pleasing, weak, pathetic excuse of a man was unable to say no and we all know what that lead to on occasion.
Since DD if I see or even catch a sniff of him being unable to say no, conflict avoidant or people pleasing it triggers me and I completely lose it.
I’ve told my H as follows, there’s two choices, either shape up or ship out, I’m not well at the moment and need protecting, I’m not wiping your arse for you ever again you’re going to wipe mine, that means sticking your chest out and being able to successfully communicate with others, you’re going to tell people no and you’re going to do it a lot, and you’re going to do it in front of me because it makes me feel safe.
Maybe you could have a similar conversation with your H Evio, also tell him to read up on what a woman deals with when it’s PMS week and explain that dealing with PMS, being a mother, running a household as well as working and being a wife dealing with betrayal trauma isn’t easy. He needs to be reminded that he is not the victim here and has been given the greatest opportunity anyone could ever be given, the gift of being able to redeem himself and keep his family. In the healing library there’s a piece called ‘The lifeboat’ you need to read it to him.

Evio can I suggest to do something nice for yourself every single day on PMS week. It doesn’t have to be something big but just something that you like, for example go get something to eat and sit in the car and eat it in peace listening to some music or something, get a face mask, chocolate, an eye mask and have a pamper evening, get a bath bomb a tipple and light a candle and have a lovely soak, go get your hair done etc do something just for you.

Be kind to yourself Evio.

Bruce...today has been a bad day 😞
I've tried to explain how I feel and it just doesn't work. Last night I ended up getting spiteful and saying if I could guarantee I'd fall in love again i'd leave him, to which he replied, "well at least I know the truth now'...this was a red rag to a bull and his lost my shit seeing as he hid the truth from me for 12 years!
He then texted me from downstairs saying he won't leave be financially worse of and we can split up and keep things amicable...it's like he wants me to leave so he does have to do the work!
Anyway this morning we had a long talk about it and I told he once more how I felt about him being conflict avoidant and people pleasing. He then said he'd ring his dad and tell him we have booked a holiday for kids birthday. His dad answers phone and says 'are kids coming up here for their birthday' and my husband l, instead of saying, ' no we have booked a family holiday just us 5' says 'im not sure we were thinking about going away but they might come up'...why not just say the fucking truth! He eventually did as he could see how upset I was but says he didn't want to ask he was worried they would ask more questions and want to come....I said you just say no, it's really not that difficult is it!
He then lost it and said he can't deal with this and said he doesn't fucking care anymore, he immediately apologised but I got so upset and angry and shouted and my 18 year old heard and came in and shouted at me then burst into tears. I just went upstairs and broke down...I have parents who were abusive and don't love me, and estranged sister due to childhood trauma and now this. I feel like I've lost all my identity and roles...I am no less longer a daughter, sister, aunt, wife and if I carry on like this I won't be a mum either 😞
He has tried to fix things but still says he struggles with my anger and tears in pms week and if I'm still like this in 5 years he won't cope and says I might be better without him so I don't have this anger. I put my life and soul into this family and it's all destroyed now....life feels so bloody pointless 😢

Evio,

None of this is your fault. NONE of this is your fault!.
He broke this now he’s going to man up and fix what he broke, if he loves you he will not drop out and he’s going to have to deal with PMS too, just like every other man on the planet that’s in a relationship with a woman.
You’re hormonal and dealing with a tremendous amount of stress he needs to be made to understand this instead of reacting and making you the problem.
Take what your teen said with a pinch of salt, they’re also hormonal and grumpy without hearing their parents arguing.

I do believe Evio that we are that traumatised at the moment we’re unable to see things for ourselves that others can. I am very frantic about my own situation and can’t make any sense of things, constantly questioning myself and thinking what if’s but when I see others situations on SI I see things clearly and can form opinions. In your case Evio firstly AP is a total evil POS, pure evil. IMO Your H never wanted her, he just saw the opportunity and took it just like my H. Your H never intended or even thought about leaving you he just enjoyed the attention of the opposite sex. For 12 years he’s been completely faithful and devoted to you and your family, the guilt he’s had to live with will have affected him weather he wants to admit to it or not. He Fuc*ed up!, no excuses for it. It’s painful and it hurts like hell but for 12 whole years he’s been a good husband. He probably is coming to the realisation of what he did and he can’t live in denial anymore or run away from his feelings or your feelings.
My H has said to me that when I have a bad day, he feels like he’s been backed in to a corner and he has no way of escaping. The only way to get out is to fight back and run away because he doesn’t know what to do or say to pacify me or calm my emotions. Maybe your H feels the same, have you asked him how he feels when you have a bad day?, not what he thinks but how he actually feels. My H mixes the two up because he’s very logical, sounds like your H is going with what he thinks instead of how he feels with what you’ve said.

Be kind to yourself Evio, you can get through this.

Bruce...thank you so much for your reply. It helped me so much last night. I think you're right about my husband, I think I get stuck in my head and can't see the wood for the trees. Also you feel I'm fighting against my own morals staying with him as I would have always said I'd leave a cheater, but it's really not that simple is it.
My husband feels exactly like your husband too! He says when my anger gets too much he feels he has to fight back and regrets things as soon as they leave his mouth. I guess it's the old fight, flight, freeze response.

I just know that despite the anger and sadness, my life is better with him in it.

As for the AP...she really is a lowlife...she's flaunting her new man all over Facebook without a care in the world about her ex and her kids.

It appears both of you are describing children. As adults none of us are one thing or another so I have suggestions about what you might want to read. In recent years the term covert narcissism has come into conversations. There are the maddening people who never put another person first. However! They quietly make sure they are the center of attention. It does not matter to them if others are hurting. They don’t actually care that much. If your needs are too much for them they simply make themselves scarce. If they get attention from someone who offers sex, well, why not, this feels good. None of these people are loud and obnoxious, they are never quite committed to anything. There is probably a component of passive aggressiveness in their interactions. You can’t quite put your finger on things because they are so good a wiggling out of being dependable. The phone call to the parents is a good example. He got out of their line of fire but left you screaming. Please understand, this is manipulation of the highest order. You are a sobbing mess, his parents are off his back and he sails on. If both of you are going to try to reconcile with your husbands you need to be very clear to yourselves that they will only change if they want to.

Cooley,
100% my H is very childish and for 25 years I’ve facilitated his behaviour.
Not any longer though, I do believe that he was raised this way and change takes time, improvements are being made and he’s going in the right direction.
I also have to make changes myself, I’ve allowed this and I won’t allow it anymore but I’m terrible at opening my mouth and saying ‘hey grow a pair’, I’ve always avoided that conflict in the past.

You do know acquiescing to people’s demands only makes them worse, not better? The first time I said no to my husband he was appalled. I wasn’t ugly. I just said no. The more I learned to say it the better things became. We’re pretty much partners now. You just need to say no.