SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been a while since I last visited this site. I don't want to offend anyone but I want to say something to anyone looking for advice after finding out a spouse has been unfaithful. Take what you read here with a grain of salt. I think this forum is useful, people need a place to vent, but it seems to me a lot of the advice given here suggests there is only one way of dealing with a cheating spouse. I see in posts people scolded for not reacting a certain way to their spouse or the affair partner. Many seem to suggest there needs to be consequences for the WS and their AP as if healing can't happen until justice is served.

No one thing is true for everyone. Many would disagree. For example, if the affair partner is married, do you tell their spouse of the affair? I suggested caution, think about the impact on their families, kids, also innocents whose lives would also be ruined. Well that didn't go over well here. My point being there was no room for a different opinion, you MUST tell the spouse. Well I didn't. Did I do a disservice to the other spouse? I don't know, maybe. But I decided not to for reasons I considered carefully.

So I say again, be careful how you use any advice you get. Consider it, but think it through, decide what is right for you. Yours is the only opinion that matters when deciding how you react to what's happened to you. When all is said and done we have to decide what kind of person we want to be from here on out. I believe making peace with yourself is more important in the long run than holding other people accountable for hurting us. So, I hope you can find peace, I think happiness will follow if you can. Best of luck.

[This message edited by flang at 10:38 AM, Wednesday, December 18th]

  Moving to General

Nothing wrong with the topic or the content per se, but this topic is better suited in General. Not least because we can expect all sorts of responses and even a strong debate, and that’s not helpful for a new betrayed spouse looking for advice and posting in JFO.

In principle, I can agree with some of what you’ve said. As a person who chose a path different from the norm, I was often on the receiving end of some pretty shitty comments. It knocked me to a point where I seriously considered taking my life.

That being said, there are also many contributors who were a Godsend. The advice given was taken to heart and I’m in a much better place. I credit SI for forcing me to take stock and make the necessary changes to become a good and safe partner.

There is a saying here "take what you need and leave the rest". Certainly good advice if you can embrace it. But the shouting from the crowd can often make that difficult.

You do have to keep in mind that this is a public forum with folks coming from all walks of life. Different mindsets. Different situations. But we are all part of the infidelity club. SI might not be perfect but I am thankful they were here when I needed them.

I told the OBS because I refused to be a secret-keeper for the OW. I felt that all parties deserved to know the truth of their life so they could make informed decisions.

This topic raises 2 issues: 1) that some advice assumes there is only one way to go about recovering from being betrayed; and 2) telling OBS (WS's ap's BS/BSo.

As to the first, I agree wholeheartedly. Too many posters assume everyone else is like them. Also, many posters appear to post while triggered; that leads to sub-optimal advice.

As to the 2nd, I wish obs had told me when he found out. I'd be 10 days ahead on my healing. Further, as traumatic as d-day is, I think it's better for all in almost all cases for the truth to come out earlier rather than later. Read statements from BSes here who are angry because they lived blissfully while their WSes were betraying them. It's best to put an end to that, if you can.

Is it easy? Nope. I don't know if I'd have told obs if I had found out first. I don't know if I'd have done the detective work necessary to find his phone number. I don't know anyone's sitch but mine, so although I say 'almost all' I don;t know if a poster is an outlier or not.

IDK ... I think informing OBS is the morally right thing to do, but I can understand - and I think we all need to understand - that not every BS can do it. After all, none of us is at their best in the weeks after d-day. Maybe my obs regrets not telling me....

I'm curious about your motivation to come back and post this.

I think that the BS should always do what's in their own best interest. If, say, telling the OBS could lead to the WS getting fired and the BS struggling financially, I completely understand not taking that risk.

I suggested caution, think about the impact on their families, kids, also innocents whose lives would also be ruined.

The impact of the A is the responsibility of the AP and the WS, not the BS. FAFO.

Many seem to suggest there needs to be consequences for the WS and their AP as if healing can't happen until justice is served.

I issued consequences not because I wanted to punish him, but because I wanted my WS to really feel the effects of his choices, snap out of it, and end the A. I firmly believe and will always advocate for a BS to get strong from the git-go lest they prolong their own agony. A soft reaction to infidelity rarely yields good results. I don't know of a single case where rug-sweeping and pick-me behavior led to a healthy R.

This post is spot on. Could not agree more. I’ve long towed the line that there is no right or wrong way to heal yourself and escape infidelity. Humans are such unique creatures stemming from many different cultures and societal expectations and norms. Do what is right for you and your family. I think this site offers a lot of help, but can also further traumatize new members when they reach out for comfort with people who understand the pain, but are met with strangers telling them what they "must" do and insisting their WS and sham marriage are essentially garbage. When one is in the agony of D day it’s hard to take what you need and leave the rest and even harder to recognize the bitter posters still reeling in pain themselves that are insisting they know what to do and how to handle another’s situation.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 4:26 PM, Wednesday, December 18th]