Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Groholl

The Book Club :
Surviving an affair: is this book for real???

Topic is Sleeping.
frustrated

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 11:34 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Oh my goodness, I am reading this book and it says if your spouse is continuing contact with the AP during R to send them this letter...

My Dearest __________, I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility tomeet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.] I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it. Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ___________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on a schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you. I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship. With all my love, (signed)


It says to also send a note to the AP saying:

I love __________ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make (him/her) happy. I will wait for that chance.

I am actually nauseated!!!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808650
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 11:37 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

It goes on to say....

"A betrayed spouse usually expects their unfaithful spouse to express guilt and remorse over the pain inflicted by the thoughtlessness of the affair, and Jon was no exception. He felt that an apology was necessary before he would be willing to reconcile. But I was able to talk him out of this condition, because I knew that at the beginning of recovery, remorse is rarely expressed. I suggested that he avoid the subject of regret or even forgiveness. Instead, I wanted him to focus on what they both needed to do to meet each other’s emotional needs and become more thoughtful of each other’s feelings. I’ve found that an apology is not always necessary for a full marital recovery to take place after an affair"


WTF!!!!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808651
default

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:39 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Sounds like the book should be titled "How to Take the Blame and Rugsweep an Affair to a Better Marriage" laugh omg

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8689   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8808655
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

I know, it actually made me feel ill. I chucked it in the bin!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808656
default

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Agree, it’s fucking unethical to tell betrayed spouses this stuff. If you read more of that guy’s bullshit it doesn’t get any better. His nonsense has a whole forum dedicated to it and when I was a newly minted BS I was trying to decide which way to go. Thankfully I could still smell bullshit and chose SI.

barf

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8808885
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

I had no idea who he was. Very sad if anyone takes his awful advice

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808898
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:22 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Was this written in 1953? Geez Louise!

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 945   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808938
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 6:19 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

mad

" I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake"

Honestly!

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808957
default

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:33 AM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

I was following a certain relationship therapist because I thought they had some helpful relationship tips. Until they started with this sort of thing. How bs did not meet the needs of the ws and needed to acknowledge that.

Apparently victim blaming is still a thing.

What’s next? Therapists suggesting that victims of spousal battering acknowledge their role? What a steaming pile of victim blaming with a heaping pile of nonsense.

And a letter like that to an AP. No. Just no.

There isn’t a dumpster deep enough for me to throw this book in.

Sending ((virtual hugs))

Ps This is even insulting to the WS in that it suggests they are being controlled in their actions and that someone made them act out.
Like they are puppets not grown adults.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1569   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8809052
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 2:25 PM on Saturday, September 23rd, 2023

Beyond victim blaming I think it misses the entire point.

Factually speaking, it's not really a matter of opinion. An A is ALWAYS 100% the "fault" of the cheater. There is no need the BS wasn't delivering, no fights, no lack of sex, no lack of anything that can ever justify an A.

A healthy person tries to resolve problems in the M, and if they can't they can file for D. An A is never the answer to a marriage problem.

I don't see how any therapy can work if it can't address that fundamental.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809076
default

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 11:50 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

I don't see how any therapy can work if it can't address that fundamental.

I got told flat out by an MC in the first session with him that I was going to have to learn to accept my 30% of culpability for the affair. Literally stood up and walked out the door as soon as he finished the sentence. That thinking is out there. Betrayed, beware.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8809167
default

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:29 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Here’s the humor in this.

My H should have written that letter to me b/c he was the one traveling all over the world while I was home making his life pretty darn easy.

I never complained - not once.

I made sure he could sleep late whenever possible.

I took care of the house to lighten his load.

I think you get the picture.

During his affair I found out he resented my decision making (I consulted him on most things) and blamed me for everything.

Those ideas are just garbage - imagine writing that letter to the cheater. The cheater already has no respect for the BS as it is - writing that would just make you a laughing stock.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13791   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809267
default

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 5:47 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Completely. I would shudder to think of a marriage where it was implied you had to be on your best behavior or you deserved to be cheated on

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 269   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8809321
default

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:58 AM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

"Those ideas are just garbage - imagine writing that letter to the cheater. The cheater already has no respect for the BS as it is - writing that would just make you a laughing stock"

This ^^

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1569   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8809533
default

Abcd89 ( member #82960) posted at 12:44 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Is this the man who thinks that neither spouses needs are being met prior to the affair and the only reason there wasn’t two affairs is because the other person didn’t have the opportunity to have an affair😂?

Guessing he hasn’t heard of Tinder etc.
I understand that as a woman it’s not hard to get laid tonight if I go online. My integrity has stopped me cheating and sticking by my own words not lack of opportunity.

posts: 101   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8809562
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240207 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy