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Newest Member: Taikor

Reconciliation :
A different kind of DDay

Topic is Sleeping.
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 12:01 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Hannah, so sorry you are in this place of hurt. After reading your post it reminded me of what I felt for so long, and actually still feel. I envy my wife’s affair partner because of the attention she gave him and and the desire for him that he received that was so strong that she was willing to give up everything to be with him. I wonder to this day what that must feel like. It’s why I have to self satisfy with activities and projects that make me feel good about myself. I still love my wife, but I’m not going to put more effort into us than she is, any leftover effort that could put in now goes into things I know will make me happy.

posts: 212   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8791024
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:23 AM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I haven't read through all of the replies, but I would like to chime in. I was married for 27 years when I finally filed and 31 when we divorced. My W made me feel ugly. It was the aggregate sum of her comments over the years. They resulted in me hating how I looked. I would get changed in the walk in closet to avoid her. If I passed a reflective surface like a mirror or a window, I would look away because I grew to not stomach the reflection. I thought I was grotesque.

After I separated, I had a one night stand, and I got up and walked to the bathroom naked, something I would never do. The woman I was with told me I looked beautiful. She told me I looked fucking beautiful. 27 years, I never heard that.

There was no box in my psyche for that comment. I hadn't idea what to do with that. Since then, other women I've been with have commented in really positive ways,but I still struggle with feeling desirable. It's almost as if I feel like I'm an imposter, waiting for them to finally figure out I'm ghoulish.

We all deserve to be desired by the one person we invite into our intimate circle. It's normal and healthy. In the end, I've realized that my EXWW is an extremely fucked up person, who has not plan or route to unfuck herself. I can either allow her to affect me or not. My choice.

So now I'm with a woman who has told me that I am sexy and intoxicating and attractive and... So what do I do with that?

If your WH does not desire you in the way that you need to be desired, yhdn I hthink you know what you need to do. Better to becslone than lonely in a M.

Add: fucking cheaters...they take so much from us.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:25 AM, Wednesday, May 17th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1787   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8791174
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Hannah - I can feel the despair in your update. You have tried everything to keep the M together and your WS is asking you to do the pick me dance in the hopes that he can "love" you again. How horrible. Clearly he doesn’t understand what he’s done or care and he wants you to never mention it again for fear that he won’t love you. I’m so angry for you. After 6 years, he still doesn’t understand what he’s giving up and thinks he’s a prize.

Hugs to you. You got this.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 407   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8791272
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:03 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

T/J -

So now I'm with a woman who has told me that I am sexy and intoxicating and attractive and... So what do I do with that?

Accept it, bro. She knows what is desirable in a sex partner for her much better than you do. smile

You've gotten that response multiple times. Since other people have had a similar response, you're probably well-advised to adjust your self-image accordingly. You're probably more attractive than you think. I know that's not always easy to deal with, but if it's reality ... accept it. Celebrate it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29815   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8791407
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 Hannah47 (original poster member #80116) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

@OneInTheSame

During the early betrayal, I had an accident, and I ended up in a hospital. Few weeks later I asked him for help with some bureaucracy crap. He asked her about it, and she helped him. Then he bought her a "thank you" gift. However, as it turned out, he wanted to buy her that gift earlier, he just felt it might be awkward if he just gives her a gift. This way, he had a "good" reason for that. So, not only that he violated my privacy (I did not consent with sharing of my medical data, ffs at that time I didn’t even know she exists), he also used my health problems to score points in her eyes! That’s straight from the Machiavellian book - the end justifies the means! I’m not overreacting – he himself admitted to doing that, he didn’t see / care how fucked up it is to do something like that. I often wondered where is that when it comes to me – if he really wants to reconcile, if he wants us to be happy together, why is he not using everything he can to achieve that goal? Is it really the lack of "means" or perhaps it’s the lack of "goals", that is a desire to achieve goals?

As for the current situation, I’m afraid there’s no hope for my physical healing, there’s only hope that the thing is, and it will stay dormant. That’s something that time (and regular MRIs) will show. My doctors said at the moment the surgery is too risky, that is, I have much better chances if we don’t touch anything. It still feels very surreal, but it looks like it’s extremely rare that it got to this point and didn’t damage / kill me already. In a way, I cheated death. Very surreal, I feel ridiculous even writing this. Anyway, when I asked my doctor should I somehow adjust my lifestyle / avoid certain things, he basically told me these things are unpredictable – even something insignificant, like getting up from a chair, could trigger it if it reactivates. And I can’t really control whether it will reactivate – it’s one of the things the body spontaneously does. Or does not. Right now it seems it will not. So, there’s no point in limiting myself. He told me to live my life fully, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Doctor’s orders! I was also told we can only speculate about the causes.

Nevertheless, the accumulated stress definitely isn’t good. OneInTheSame, I think it’s time to say: "It’s enough!" "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts". My dear, it is time for desserts! I hope you will get your anxiety disorder in order – you have the power to do so! Just remember – anxiety brings you no good! I don’t know much about your physical health, I only saw bits and pieces in your post history, but it was enough to see you have a lot on your plate. Please, do your best to get rid of all unnecessary crap, and make room for desserts!

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@The1stWife

About ILYBNILWY – perhaps. I’m reluctant to label feelings, as that caused misunderstandings in the past. That’s why I prefer to talk in descriptions. I believe "I’m in love with you" means more than what I described. But who knows. I’m tired of deciphering what he really feels for me, and what does it all mean. You are right, my focus should be on me, and I know I’m not getting what I need. I don’t think he wants to stay married out of convenience. I do believe he cares for me, but the thing is he’s ok with "good enough" stuff. I’m not.

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@Copingmybest

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel when you write: "the desire for him that he received that was so strong that she was willing to give up everything to be with him". You point out something I thought about a lot. In a way, he’ll never be able to give me what he gave to her, to do for me what he did for her. Unless we divorce, he gets involved with another woman, and then after 10 years develops an EA with me. Even then, it wouldn’t be quite the same, let alone 10 times more. Perhaps if they get married and have kids. When you think about things this way, what I wanted and asked for seems quite realistic.

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@Justsomeguy

I'm so sorry your exW made you feel ugly. I read so many similar stories that I consider myself lucky. I don’t know is it because I naturally have a very high self-esteem (honestly, I’d say it’s borderline narcissistic), or because my whole life people around me have been telling me I look amazing, or because I was always getting a lot of attention from guys, but somehow he didn’t manage to ruin the picture I have of myself. He did make me feel undesirable by him, but not undesirable in general. After DDay, I even doubted his visual perception, as the OW looks below average. I realize now his visual perception was distorted (kinda like when people look better to you than they really are when you’re drunk). In a similar way, I believe his perception of me was distorted due to the negative feelings he had for me. I think he is physically attracted to me, it’s just that he has never demonstrated amazement by my appearance. It’s more like I look "good enough" to him. That’s how he makes me feel – I’m good enough, but I’m not "10/10 would do again". I say to hell with that. I can totally relate to changing clothes out of his sight, but I don’t avoid mirrors – mirrors are my friends who remind me how gorgeous I am. I strength train (free weights), so I look myself in the mirror quite a lot – to observe my form. I like what I see. I suggest you do the same – start liking what you see in the mirror, and it will become easier to believe those ladies.

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@taken4granted

I had the same thoughts. I honestly don’t know is this some manipulation or what, but I know I won’t be doing any pick me dances. Even if I wanted to, I have no idea what I could possibly do and be that I haven’t done and been already. I dance to express, not to impress.

[This message edited by Hannah47 at 10:39 PM, Thursday, May 18th]

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 369   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8791467
Topic is Sleeping.
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