During the early betrayal, I had an accident, and I ended up in a hospital. Few weeks later I asked him for help with some bureaucracy crap. He asked her about it, and she helped him. Then he bought her a "thank you" gift. However, as it turned out, he wanted to buy her that gift earlier, he just felt it might be awkward if he just gives her a gift. This way, he had a "good" reason for that. So, not only that he violated my privacy (I did not consent with sharing of my medical data, ffs at that time I didn’t even know she exists), he also used my health problems to score points in her eyes! That’s straight from the Machiavellian book - the end justifies the means! I’m not overreacting – he himself admitted to doing that, he didn’t see / care how fucked up it is to do something like that. I often wondered where is that when it comes to me – if he really wants to reconcile, if he wants us to be happy together, why is he not using everything he can to achieve that goal? Is it really the lack of "means" or perhaps it’s the lack of "goals", that is a desire to achieve goals?
As for the current situation, I’m afraid there’s no hope for my physical healing, there’s only hope that the thing is, and it will stay dormant. That’s something that time (and regular MRIs) will show. My doctors said at the moment the surgery is too risky, that is, I have much better chances if we don’t touch anything. It still feels very surreal, but it looks like it’s extremely rare that it got to this point and didn’t damage / kill me already. In a way, I cheated death. Very surreal, I feel ridiculous even writing this. Anyway, when I asked my doctor should I somehow adjust my lifestyle / avoid certain things, he basically told me these things are unpredictable – even something insignificant, like getting up from a chair, could trigger it if it reactivates. And I can’t really control whether it will reactivate – it’s one of the things the body spontaneously does. Or does not. Right now it seems it will not. So, there’s no point in limiting myself. He told me to live my life fully, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Doctor’s orders! I was also told we can only speculate about the causes.
Nevertheless, the accumulated stress definitely isn’t good. OneInTheSame, I think it’s time to say: "It’s enough!" "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts". My dear, it is time for desserts! I hope you will get your anxiety disorder in order – you have the power to do so! Just remember – anxiety brings you no good! I don’t know much about your physical health, I only saw bits and pieces in your post history, but it was enough to see you have a lot on your plate. Please, do your best to get rid of all unnecessary crap, and make room for desserts!
About ILYBNILWY – perhaps. I’m reluctant to label feelings, as that caused misunderstandings in the past. That’s why I prefer to talk in descriptions. I believe "I’m in love with you" means more than what I described. But who knows. I’m tired of deciphering what he really feels for me, and what does it all mean. You are right, my focus should be on me, and I know I’m not getting what I need. I don’t think he wants to stay married out of convenience. I do believe he cares for me, but the thing is he’s ok with "good enough" stuff. I’m not.
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel when you write: "the desire for him that he received that was so strong that she was willing to give up everything to be with him". You point out something I thought about a lot. In a way, he’ll never be able to give me what he gave to her, to do for me what he did for her. Unless we divorce, he gets involved with another woman, and then after 10 years develops an EA with me. Even then, it wouldn’t be quite the same, let alone 10 times more. Perhaps if they get married and have kids. When you think about things this way, what I wanted and asked for seems quite realistic.
I'm so sorry your exW made you feel ugly. I read so many similar stories that I consider myself lucky. I don’t know is it because I naturally have a very high self-esteem (honestly, I’d say it’s borderline narcissistic), or because my whole life people around me have been telling me I look amazing, or because I was always getting a lot of attention from guys, but somehow he didn’t manage to ruin the picture I have of myself. He did make me feel undesirable by him, but not undesirable in general. After DDay, I even doubted his visual perception, as the OW looks below average. I realize now his visual perception was distorted (kinda like when people look better to you than they really are when you’re drunk). In a similar way, I believe his perception of me was distorted due to the negative feelings he had for me. I think he is physically attracted to me, it’s just that he has never demonstrated amazement by my appearance. It’s more like I look "good enough" to him. That’s how he makes me feel – I’m good enough, but I’m not "10/10 would do again". I say to hell with that. I can totally relate to changing clothes out of his sight, but I don’t avoid mirrors – mirrors are my friends who remind me how gorgeous I am. I strength train (free weights), so I look myself in the mirror quite a lot – to observe my form. I like what I see. I suggest you do the same – start liking what you see in the mirror, and it will become easier to believe those ladies.
I had the same thoughts. I honestly don’t know is this some manipulation or what, but I know I won’t be doing any pick me dances. Even if I wanted to, I have no idea what I could possibly do and be that I haven’t done and been already. I dance to express, not to impress.
[This message edited by Hannah47 at 10:39 PM, Thursday, May 18th]