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Newest Member: M0771

Divorce/Separation :
Divorce final, custody agreement done, still selling house

Topic is Sleeping.
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 5:53 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Divorce was finalized about two weeks ago. I kept all of my retirement savings, 95% was invested pre marriage anyway. My pension she could have gotten $200 per month but I left it off the table and offered up front alimony. WW took everything that was 'ours' and only left my clothes, desk, PC and stuff that was 'mine' that she didn't want. It feels rotten to be the one who was trying to do the right thing and she contributed very little, put us in significant debt, cheated, and comes out more financially ahead. But I think she'll blow thru that money.

She folded a bit on ROFR, she wanted it all the time. I said no, not during work hours, and my lawyer added a 4 hour window. So if family wants to see my DD outside of my work hours, anything less than 4 hours I can not be around. Like if family wanted to take my daughter to a movie and I needed to run an errand, I don't need to ask WW for ROFR.

I could have fought for the whole house. She quit deeded her share to me when we bought it 4 years ago. But it likely would have been court and a coin toss.

I have 50/50 joint custody physical & legal. She has backed off since my last post. No more pushing to pick up my daughter after school on my weeks, I think it's just going to be more sneaky methods vs the blatantly wrong stuff she was doing before. Especially since my lawyer sent her a warning letter.

I haven't heard much from her anymore. I'm still angry. All the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, replacing me with the AP. Even putting DD in the middle and manipulating her. I nipped that in the bud hard. But I had a really rough week last week of wanting to disappear from existence. But I love my DD and absolutely don't want to ever hurt her. Or leave her in my WW sole care.

Tonight my WW called and read a 30 min book chapter to my DD. Which begs my next question. When does stuff like that start to cross lines into interference with my time w DD.

WW has no concept of boundaries. Otherwise we wouldn't all be in this position. After seeing other posts here. I feel like I came out relatively well. I can start a new life and leave the metaphorical garbage on the curb. I did chuck anything real that she gave me in the trash. Going back to early dating days too.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8785472
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:47 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Tonight my WW called and read a 30 min book chapter to my DD. Which begs my next question. When does stuff like that start to cross lines into interference with my time w DD.

Speak with your attorney. Personally, I wouldn't be answering the phone when she calls. Transition all communication to a co-parenting app instead. IMO neither of you should be calling when the child is with the other parent except in emergencies or maybe potentially special occasions like birthdays..

posts: 1601   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8785532
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ZDZD ( member #80814) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I read your story, and the level of entitlement of your xW is immense.Sorry that you find yourself still angry. After some time and a lot of healing, you will see her for what she is: a messed-up human being who doesn't know any better. About stuff that she kept, just think about it that way: you got free from the things that would trigger you and hold you back.

My xWW was not as entitled as yours, but I see some common traits. My solution was rock-solid boundaries and prompt enforcement.

- We had a prenup because I always earned much more than she did. When she cheated and wanted a divorce, she didn't have money to buy out my half of the apartment. I offered a steep discount. She was extremely unhappy and said it was not fair and not manly that "you are throwing out the mother of your children" and "we earned together, why are you getting more". I told her that she could either take the deal, or I let the lawyers decide what was fair. She soon arranged the necessary amount.

- She is still absolutely certain that she is the better parent. She gave me advices on how to spend my time with kids and how to treat them right - in front of them. I started just calling kids and waited for them in my car during handover. She was upset about that. I told her to drop the advices, then we could spend 5 minutes together while the kids were getting dressed. She was furious ("I just want what's best for the kids") but complied ever since.

Personally I don't mind that the children speak to her during my time, they sometimes call her themselves too. After all, she is their mother and they miss her. However, taking 30 min from your time with your daughter should be done only in agreement with you. She may be trying to love-bomb her consciously or unconsciously.

Overall, I noticed that the less I acquiesced, the better our cooperation with xWW has become. A cheater is an abuser, and abusers respect force.

[This message edited by ZDZD at 7:44 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, 2 children
AP, OBS close friends of many years
Currently divorcing.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8785547
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 wildstar (original poster new member #83073) posted at 11:24 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I did set another boundary in an email, basically saying:

"A 30 minute reading of a book should be reserved for your weeks with DD. Doing it during a video call when it's my week and time with DD is disruptive and crossing a boundary.

A good night message or brief call is acceptable."

At this point I feel like I'm parenting my 7yo daughter, AND having to teach a 30+ yo child how to act appropriately.

It's exhausting. But if boundaries were respected, I know we wouldn't be in this position to begin with, AND WW wouldn't have an AP.

[This message edited by wildstar at 11:25 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2023   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8785580
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:03 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Good for setting a boundary. Some people are emotional vampires and suck the life right out of you.

This isn't easy and it sounds like you're on your way.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3544   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8785591
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 3:01 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

I haven't heard much from her anymore. I'm still angry. All the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, replacing me with the AP.

I love to quote Yoda.

Let go of your anger. It only leads to the dark side.

More seriously, you being angry about this bullshit in the past... is kind of like you poisoning yourself because of something that someone else did. Let it go. Move on. I know that it's hard, but it's what you need to do.

Even putting DD in the middle and manipulating her. I nipped that in the bud hard.

Correct. Protect your child.

Tonight my WW called and read a 30 min book chapter to my DD. Which begs my next question. When does stuff like that start to cross lines into interference with my time w DD.

Your child has a right to TWO loving parents. I would absolutely let this go; in fact, I would ENCOURAGE it. There is the derogatory term of "Disney Dad," which is the dad who rarely spends time with his kids but when he does... he lavishes them with gifts.

There is a big difference between spending money on your kids and spending your time with your kids. It's is a MUCH bigger commitment to spend time with your kids than it is to spend money on your kids. I seriously doubt that your ex will keep this up -- it's too hard and she is too selfish. Right now, the divorce is new and shiny and she wants to make herself look good to your daughter. By the way, in the slim chance that she *does* keep this up? That means that your ex is being a good mother and that's actually what you want.

You need to stop looking at your situation through your eyes. You love your daughter and you need to start looking at this situation through HER eyes. Her entire world just got blown up and it's less her fault than it is yours. You be a great parent. You encourage your ex to be a great parent (which includes 30 minutes of reading, if possible!).

You also teach your daughter to have boundaries and that she can trust you. I hope that I am wrong (for your daughter's sake), but the same traits that you describe about your ex... are the same traits of a detached mother. You should stop "teach a 30+ yo child how to act appropriately" but you should encourage her to be a good parent, because that's not likely to happen for the long term.

Prepare yourself for the impossible: You are going to have to parent double time -- meaning, you have to compensate for the parenting that your ex does not provide.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8785917
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

There is an adjustment period that occurs but if you have been splitting custody for more than 6 months, she should be over the separation anxiety by now.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13967   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8785930
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:29 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

I think her calling to read the 30 min story is ridiculous. Glad you called her BS on it. She wants to be the center of the world.

My xh and ow used to try crossing boundaries like this, too. I had to stop it each time so they knew I meant business. I never blew up at them, but handheld it with professional emails—and I always put on the bottom: cc: my attys name. Never sent them to the atty, but I think it helped. laugh

Just my thoughts: My xh and your ww feel extremely guilty that they wrecked their kids family. The pressure builds up in them and they need a fight to blow off the lid of their pressure. I never gave/give my xh that relief. I figure if he needs a fight-he can fight with the ow-which I heard they do a lot, now, 8 years later. laugh

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5503   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8788149
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:42 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

Don’t ever wish yourself out of existence ever again. The OW in my case can be read about online in several newspapers. Her first H murdered the OM, then took his own life. His beautiful daughter had to grow up without her Dad-the one person who really could have helped her grow up. And she had to grow up with OW moving her around to cheat with other men. barf

I decided it was my joy and privilege to see my children grow up. I went to every single thing they were in-even practices. My sons tell me how much it meant to them to support them. Their Dad stopped going to their things about a year after the D-he was too busy with OW.

Wildstar, you and your daughter have tons of great fun times ahead of you. And times where she is going to be so happy to just be safe with you.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5503   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8788150
Topic is Sleeping.
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