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Newest Member: Nbbb

Wayward Side :
Thank you to all.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 6:30 PM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

I want to thank everybody on here who has commented on my posts over the last year or so. I will probably not be posting for a while. Unfortunately my father lost his battle with cancer this week and I am dealing with this devastating loss right now. I have to put everything else on the back burner for now. This includes my reconciliation with my WH. He and I have of course talked about this and he is totally in agreement that my number one priority right now is my family, especially my mother who is understandably completely distraught. We all knew this was coming but that doesn’t make this easier. I’ll say one more thing. My BH has been amazingly supportive of me and my family these last few days and I am grateful that he’s there for us even with all he and I have been through.

I have no idea when I’ll be ready to move on with my BH. He did say that he wants to give us another chance. Before my father went into the hospital for the last time my BH agreed that he needed to go back to IC which he had stopped going to. Hopefully when things settle down some he and I will be able to try to start a new relationship together. I know it’s not going to be easy. I have so many things I need to work on. He told me to just take my time with my family and when I’m ready to talk about us he’ll be there. So this is goodbye for now. I hope to post an update (hopefully positive) someday.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8778507
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Contrition2 ( new member #80613) posted at 6:09 AM on Monday, February 20th, 2023

Next time around, build your 2nd marriage on the principles of the Deity who institutionalized marriage . . . i.e. the way God intended a marriage to function.

A resource that I find invaluable is Jimmy Evans' YouTube Channel "Marriage Today"

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8778555
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 6:38 AM on Monday, February 20th, 2023

I'm so sorry about your dad, LAH.

I hope you'll check back in with us and that you and your H will find your way back to each other.

WW/BW

posts: 3627   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8778557
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Losthusband43 ( member #79767) posted at 9:28 AM on Monday, February 20th, 2023

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your family some peace and healing. I have followed your posts and deep down I hope it will all work out. Take care, stay strong, know that others are rooting for you.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8778566
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

We haven’t crossed paths before, but I just feel compelled to write. I think it’s super shitty that you just got shamed about your self aware vulnerable confession from well in the past on a thread about your father’s death. I think SI is a good place, but that was awful. I hope that you and your family find peace in this difficult time.

Point taken.

No excuse. As a PTSD sufferer, I triggered very hard on that post.

My sincere apologies LAH.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:20 PM, Tuesday, February 21st]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 296   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8778667
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 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

DobleTraicion I am well aware that I don’t deserve to be forgiven for anything I’ve done. Believe me no one knows this better than I do. No one feels worse about what I’ve done than my husband does. All I can do is try to earn his trust again. He seems open to reconciliation and is willing to try to forgive me. That makes him a better person than most I guess. I don’t know how else to answer the people who enjoy repeatedly bringing up the things I said and did.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8778768
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 9:01 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

DobleTraicion I am well aware that I don’t deserve to be forgiven for anything I’ve done. Believe me no one knows this better than I do. No one feels worse about what I’ve done than my husband does. All I can do is try to earn his trust again. He seems open to reconciliation and is willing to try to forgive me. That makes him a better person than most I guess. I don’t know how else to answer the people who enjoy repeatedly bringing up the things I said and did.

My advice is to work on yourself in IC to understand how and why you got to that point. If I had to guess, your AP was concerned about your BH catching you and coming after him, which is why he was debating whether to pull away/end the affair, and you sort of reeled him back in with your reveal about his past and his PTSD being the reason. Was it hurtful? Well of course it was, but the important thing is that now you realize just how cruel you were to the man who loved you, all done in service of the affair with the other things that you did. You said that you lied to your AP about the situation at home, I think that is why we refer to cheaters as liars and that is why it's almost rare you see that two WS get together long term, because their entire "relationship" is based on lies...and I will tell you, from experience, APs and WS mirror each other and one can convince and manipulate the other one.

For example, my EA AP was always surprised at how I packed my own lunch for work, did my own laundry, vacuumed...basically did chores to help out around the house. She couldn't believe that my wife was a SAHM and not waiting on me hand and foot, which is somewhat a cultural expectation in her culture too. She had me convinced that my wife didn't love me because she made me do those things. In retrospect, that is the stupidest fucking thing I could believe, but at the time, I was in the fog with my head up my ass, so I wanted to believe it....thus I did.

I guess I read the situation with your husband's PTSD and the money/fights thing in that same light. It is part of the broader act of "rewriting the marital history" that happens with WS. This is because no one wants to ever be the villain in their own story, so they look for any reason(s) that they are not and that is how you got there if I were to guess. The AP was feeding you the ego kibbles you craved and you didn't want to give up that "drug" so you did what had to be done in order for it to continue and to not get caught. You are no longer that person and no longer in that mindset. You cannot undo the past but you can put one foot in front of the other, be authentic and honest with yourself and those closest to you and live everyday of your life to make what you did right to your husband...and let the chips fall where they may.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8778770
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 9:08 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

We haven’t crossed paths before, but I just feel compelled to write. I think it’s super shitty that you just got shamed about your self aware vulnerable confession from well in the past on a thread about your father’s death. I think SI is a good place, but that was awful. I hope that you and your family find peace in this difficult time.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8778773
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m happy for you that you may be moving towards R with your BH.

My advice would be to let your BH into your world right now. Let him help you and your family deal with the grief. Be vulnerable with him. Ask him for support right now.

Not only do you need the extra support but also it will help both of you heal at the same time snd bring you closer together. Grief has a weird way of doing that sometimes.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8778796
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:04 AM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023

Wishing you and your BH the best, LAH. Meanwhile I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing....

posts: 869   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8778803
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Sufi22 ( new member #75842) posted at 9:39 PM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023

So sorry to hear the news about your father LOH. Having lost my own father to cancer just a few months ago, I know how hard that can be. Please take the time you need to mourn and recover. The news from your husband sounds hopeful and you are wise to take reconciliation slowly, at least until you feel better able to recover yourself. Good luck and I hope you keep posting.

BH-60s WW-50s M 23 years DD 20D-day: Aug 3 2018WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contactUpdate 3/22 Found her breakup diary. Full 2 year PA only ended because he cheated on her and broke up.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8778912
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Lalala12 ( new member #79196) posted at 11:10 PM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023

Hi LAH – I’m so sorry for your loss. Time of grief like this makes us extra vulnerable and off balance so just wanted to send you prayers and an encouraging thought. It takes a LOT of courage to look at your wrongs and grow from it. Take pride in the work you are doing on yourself, use it as a guiding light when you feel the burden of it all.

It sounds like your H is a kinder, stronger man than he might even realise. And I think you are too. Hope you will find your way to work through your issues together once the first storm of grief has passed.

I wish you both, and your family, healing and I hope to read a positive update sometime in the future.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2021
id 8778929
Topic is Sleeping.
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