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Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Just Found Out :
Scared to think ahead

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Fireball (original poster new member #82449) posted at 8:27 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Well, not exactly just found out, it's been 5 months and 10 days. I'm not AS numb but I'm still feeling out of body, lost, and completely unable to figure out how to move forward.
I found out that my husband has a sex addiction and over time have found out that there's at least 21 different one night stands with up to four different "encounters" with the same person. It was like peeling back the layers of an onion in the first weeks and months, constantly finding out that there is more and more and more. That it wasn't just an emotional affair. It was physical. I had to find out by calling and speaking with these women. He was saying "love you babe", calling them sweetie, hun, mi amor, all the pet names that are supposed to be my names. At least once ON my birthday!! In between texting me how tired he was!? At least one of them, from the gym only .33 miles from our house, told me " I have to tell you I fell in love with your husband." "He said that he was given the green light years ago after your son was born and that he'd been too nervous to act on it until now." "That after your son was born you just weren't into him sexually." I was very 'available'. I have text messages I sent him initiating sex late at night while he was in the bathroom texting the woman he was planning to meet the next time he was away for Army Reserve drill weekend and he said to me we had to wait for his next appointment, after drill, due to his hydrocele issues, which apparently weren't an issue when you're having sex with strangers.
Apparently this has been going on since 2016, three weeks before we even moved in together, when I was already pregnant with our first child. He proposed after these affairs had started. Two days before we were married there are pictures, the kind of pictures he took when setting up accounts online.
Yet he claims that those pictures were for me, that he didn't do anything then, that he can't remember. I hear that a lot. "I just don't remember. I'm sorry I'm trying. I just don't remember."
You know what I remember, being faithful, being loyal. Loving him and being afraid that he was cheating on me asking him "Please don't ever leave me. You and the kids are all I have. I have no one else in this world. Please don't do that to me." And him saying "I'm a one woman kind of guy" and then later "I've been so loyal to you. I would never do that to you. You're making me mad that you keep asking me this."
After the affair, my love language is physical, so we've been intimate, but unfortunately I've been self-medicating with alcohol so I thought that I was feeling ill and off because somehow I'd alcohol poison myself but I was actually pregnant and then horrifically, a week later I started to miscarry but my body didn't properly process it so I had to have a DNC 5 days ago. He gave me no sympathy. No empathy. He was just lost in his own feelings. On the drive to the hospital for the DNC I told him "it's crazy. There's a dead body inside me." and he said to me "yeah life is crazy" but nothing beyond that. No empathy, no "I'm so sorry you're going through this." The night before the DNC he had his men's group which gets out at 9 pm so when I get back up from putting the kids to bed I come out to see him, and he says nothing to me about his sessions or about how are you feeling with tomorrow's procedure. I eventually lose my cool and say to him "why are you such a horrible husband!? You haven't asked me how I'm doing or shared how your group went when you know how important it is to me to hear about your recovery. You have no empathy!" He starts hitting things and says "I can't do anything right! Everything I do is wrong! What do you want from me!" And in desperation for some signs that he loves me and wants to prove to me that he doesn't want to let me go, I say stupidly "I want a divorce." Hoping he'll say please no I love you ect ect but no he says "I agree, I think that's best. I can't see you getting over this."
He's back tracked some since then but he's still talking about a trial separation while we are moved down to Texas for active duty orders for a year come this spring.
I'm at a loss as what to do. I've been a sahm for the last 6+ years, so I have zero income, zero family support (toxic) and totally scared at trying to do this on my own as a mom of two young children.
I told him the day I found out I was pregnant I don't want to be a single mother, if I keep this baby we're getting married, I'm all in. He knew that and three weeks later, I have proof, he was on Backpage looking for women. How can I choose to stay after all that's happened?

Me: 40 (BS) Him:48 (WH) 21+APMarried: 4/2016D-Day: 6/13/20222 kids 5&3

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022   ·   location: PNW
id 8766547
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Jimi007 ( new member #81198) posted at 10:26 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

It's simple...You don't stay

He is a serial cheater that WILL do it again.

Contact an attorney immediately and file for divorce.

It's that simple

Sorry your going thru this , don't wait for it to happen again. Because it will

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2022   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8766551
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:55 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

I’m so sorry for you.

You don’t have to leave immediately. You can get a plan in place to get some money, place your go to etc.

Use your time to understand what a D would look like. Get yourself a support team of a few good friends.

Maybe some counseling can help you too. It will help you figure out what you want and how to get it.

I don’t know if your H will stop cheating. But given what you describe it doesn’t seem like he wants to stop. How sad.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766552
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:51 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

How can I choose to stay after all that's happened?

This is going to hurt, Fireball, but you are choosing to stay by actively staying in infidelity. I'm sure that NOTHING has looked more daunting in your life than to think about leaving, but until you find that inner strength, you are simply wishing for things to change. There is ZERO guarantee that he will change for the better. The far more likely scenario, just based on the facts you have given, is that he won't make those changes. I'm sorry to have to tell you that. But the sooner that you address this(mentally and in real life) the faster that you will heal.

The above poster is a perfect example of someone to listen and learn. Hopefully, she will elaborate on the steps that she had to take from being in what seemed a hopeless situation, and through actions and efforts, took the power back in her life...and then some. You can do it too. It doesn't happen overnight. It WON'T happen overnight. But with each little change....each little effort....you climb out of that abyss.

You have options to get yourself to a better headspace. You just can't see them right now.

BH-50sWW-50s2 boysMarried over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4188   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8766569
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:52 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Hi, Fireball, I'm so sorry your husband is putting you through hell.

Gently, he will continue to put you through hell so you have two choices: Accept he is a serial cheater or contact an attorney and find out what divorce will look like.

Please stay away from the alcohol. For yourself and for the safety of your children. Don't give your husband any excuse to try to prove you are an unfit mother.

What happens if you inform his commanding officer?

posts: 11734   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8766731
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 Fireball (original poster new member #82449) posted at 5:30 AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Thanks for the support and replies.
The thing is is I do think that he's going to stop. Day one he's been working from home so no more excuses to meet someone. He brings us with now on his Army weekends. He canceled his gym membership where he meet one of the girls. He called and got us into couples coaching (as they recommended doing that before couple therapy.) He's sought out IC-SA therapy and is going to men's group for this sort of thing. He's given me access to his phone, though he gets anxious when I go through it cause he's worried about me getting mad etc just by looking at his old photos. He's deleted all the email accounts. He's blocked all the phone numbers. I have his passwords to his existing email. I've checked the phone records and the message records. I don't think he's going to do it again just because he keeps saying how much he hated this and how it was such a dark hole and he's never going to do this again even if our relationship doesn't work out. " I'm never going back there again."
It's just really the lack of empathy at times like he truly genuinely doesn't understand how to feel empathy. His brain just doesn't think about why I'm asking something, why I'm saying what I'm saying, how I'm feeling. He knows he caused this pain. He knows it's his fault. He says he's sorry "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused." Over and over but it's the lack of adding anything further or more detailed apologies. I believe that he's sorry. It's just frustrating because he says he doesn't know why he did this. He says I was sweet, kind, supportive, loving wife/mother and that he loved me this whole time. He just doesn't know why he did it.
For me I need to know why he did this so I know that it won't happen again. If I don't know why he did this then it just seems like something might trigger him and he'd go back to it even though he says how much he doesn't want to do it and I believe he doesn't want to do it. But if he doesn't know why he did it, how could I know he won't you know?
To the question of informing his superior, I don't see how that would be helpful in any way. It would affect both his civilian job and the money he makes from the Army, plus it would affect our insurance. It would be bad for our children for him not to have a job and be able to provide so that's just not even something I want to do. It's not an option. There's no benefit to it other than being vindictive and just shooting myself in the foot.
I am in IC and the drinking hasn't been the same in over a month now. It was just especially bad the month or so leading up to my birthday, which was a big trigger for me. It's much better now. I was just being paranoid and couldn't figure out why I was feeling that way after having stopped drinking. I had thought I was going through early menopause so pregnancy wasn't even a thought on my mind.
Thanks again for reading and the replies.

Me: 40 (BS) Him:48 (WH) 21+APMarried: 4/2016D-Day: 6/13/20222 kids 5&3

posts: 2   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2022   ·   location: PNW
id 8766766
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:09 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Just like there are "dry" alcoholics there are dry sex addicts. It means the addiction owns him. It takes a looonnnnggg time for the brain to recalibrate into health and his is no where close.

He will continue with his behavior unless he finds the grit to take it one day at the time. I hope he is with a therapist whose speciality is sex addiction.

You need an atty just to give you facts. You don’t have to act right away so you might be able to have time to save some money first. Don’t sit and wait for a miracle, make one.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3721   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766777
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:18 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

One of the trademarks of a partner who betrays you is a lack of empathy and the self-centeredness that goes hand in hand with that.

Your husband is an admitted sex addict.

His actions may have stopped and he may be working to remove himself from situations that have allowed him to easily cheat on you, but you policing him endlessly is not a sustainable solution nor should that be your role.

If he is to truly change in a sustainable way, he will have to work on deep core issues like his self-centeredness and lack of empathy, also avoidance and willinness to be emotionally vulnerable. These are heavy lifts and the work will need to be his--self-initiated and self-motivated.

If you are driving his work, he won't change. And your relationship will not be emotionally safe (or physically safe from STIs).

I'm so sorry this is who your husband is or has been.

It is important that you work to protect yourself and plan for a possible future without him, even if you stay and try to reconcile. It is important that he knows (and you know) that you CAN leave if you need to.

If he won't change or cannot change, this is not the model of a relationship you want for your children and it is so much less than you deserve.

I'm sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:19 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 3+ yrs.Both in IC & MC.Married 32 yrs now 2 kids-both in HS.Attempting R

posts: 338   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8766781
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 5:06 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

I'm so sorry you had to join this club Fireball. You've gotten really good advice so far, and its good that you are in counseling. There is something that struck me about your post though. Your efforts seem to focus on changing him. You can't. No one can. The only thing us humans can do is change ourselves. So the question is what do you need to do while you are waiting for him to change.

You have a full grasp of why you are "Scared to think ahead." You're a SAHM, no income, no family support, etc. You don't want to be a single mom, so everything you want rests on him. You are never going to feel safe and secure until your well being no longer depends entirely on him or anyone else. Even if you are seeing him make an effort at change and making your marriage work, he still holds all the cards in your relationship, and he knows it. It was probably why he was so quick to agree to divorce. He called your bluff. Because after you found out about his 21+ affairs, you were the one begging him not to leave you. It should have been the other way around.

Keep in mind that nothing is an all or nothing situation. Figuring out how to become more financially independent doesn't mean you've given up on the marriage. It just means that if he can't change, you'll land on your feet. I was a single mom, and while it's hard, millions of us survive it every day. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a bad situation.

posts: 1664   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766808
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justanotherperson ( member #82218) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Sorry you are here.

You know what I remember, being faithful, being loyal. Loving him and being afraid that he was cheating on me asking him "Please don't ever leave me. You and the kids are all I have. I have no one else in this world. Please don't do that to me." And him saying "I'm a one woman kind of guy" and then later "I've been so loyal to you. I would never do that to you.

First step you really need to take is beginning to respect yourself. Putting yourself first and believing in you. If you do not do that, it will be an endless cicle with lies and more lies. Because what he says is all already written in the cheaters book. And your WH his a compulsive cheater. And he already knows you tend to be the "subserviente" person on the relationship (the quote above shows that). You ask him and ask him, almost imploring for him to pitty you and therefore stay with you. That is not a strong position for anyone in a relationahip. You should be saying to him that you know he is disrespecting you (by blatlanty cheating on you) and that you WILL NOT tolerate that. That you are filling for D and if he does not fix himself you are going through with it. No more misstreating you.

Your WH needs to WANT to address the issues he has got. HIMSELF. BECAUSE the problem here is on him and never on you. You did not disrespected him the way he did to you. And doing so takes a long time and a lot of dedication to achieve. It just does not go away with "I'm so sorry, I won't do it again". Only this way can he maybe become a safer person for someone else. By doing the HARD WORK HIMSELF AND FOR HIMSELF.

You have to implement some actions on your side to protect YOURSELF and to really stamp the idea in him that you are not willing to be disrespected like that EVER again.

Do not get intimate with him. At least until you figure out what he is really willing to do. Having sex available out of the marriage and then knowing he will have the wife "available" at home is so enjoyable for him.

STD testing IS MANDATORY.

Look for his ACTIONS and not his words. Words from a cheater are worth close to zero.

Again. Stand your ground. RESPECT YOURSELF. Don't let him use you like that EVER AGAIN.

You will be ok no matter what. True words.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:36 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 67   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8766825
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

The one common traits about narcissists is that they lack empathy. They do not care about the feelings and emotions of amother person. Yes its very easy for them to say sorry and that it will never happen again but they truly dont know what they are sorry for. Are they sorry that they hurt you and your feelings? Probbably not. Are they sorry they got caught? Most likely yes.

From everything you have said he clearly doesnt recognise how this has affected you emotionally. He gets angry because you keep asking him questions. You want to find out exactly why he did what he did. You will probably never get an answer. He will not tell you why he did what he did. He will only tell you exactly what you want to hear.

You have to really think about what you want from this marriage. He has been extremely selfish obly thinking about himself. Unfortunately he is a serial cheater. One of the obvious common traits of serial cheaters is that that will never be able to stop themselves ever. Every opportunity that lands in front of them they will act on it. They will also use their positions at work or careers to find the next 'quick fix'. So its like a drug to them.

I do believe that until they get the help they need, just like rehab, they will continue to do as they please loving themselves only and believing that they deserve happiness for themselves. If that means validation from strangers and people they meet on the streets or gyms or online then they will do exactly that to get exaxtly to satisfy their crave.

I do hope that you see him for what he truly is. Yes he may be doing all the right things now but please do what you need to do to protect yourself and children. Give it some time before you decide to reconcile. Dont sweep all his Affairs under the rug just because you are better of financially if you stay with him and because you have no one else to turn to. Do you think you can live with a serial cheater for the rest of your life?

posts: 221   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8766889
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:02 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

I want to point out a few things you have alluded to.

You want to know WHY it happened so it won’t happen again. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You will never get to "why" that makes sense. Cheaters don’t cheat because the spouse is too thin or too pretty or too funny or a good cook or great sex nor is it because the spouse is poor or lazy or a bad dancer or has OCD and everything must be neat.

The cheater chooses to cheat despite all they have / had. You cannot prevent it. You cannot stop it. You cannot predict it. Unless the cheater is physically with you 24/7 and does not have access to or own electronic devices.

It’s blind trust. Always was. We just never realized it before we became the betrayed spouse or SO.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766905
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:49 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

So I was the person that a prior poster alluded to that pulled myself out of infidelity and changed ME and my situation.

Brief summary. 4 year EA (that I knew about the entire time) that he refused to admit to it stop. It finally ended and was rugswept.

15 years later it’s now the mid life crisis affair with a much younger (single) OW. And this time I went from dday1 to impending D in 10 days.

I had no money. Kids, house with a mortgage I cannot afford, a toxic boss who was abusive and now my CH is giving me crap.

My plan was to hang in 90 days to get some $ in my account. It was tough going.

But I got up 90 days. And now I’m getting played like a yo-yo. He wants a D. Then he doesn’t. A week later he’s not sure what he wants.

So while I’m working my butt off thinking we are R he’s still cheating.

During this time, I financially protected myself, changed the life insurance policies do he could not change beneficiary and I had an amazing counselor. And a few good friends who supported me.

Brings us to dday2.

I very calmly tell my H on dday2 "I am D you. I’m sorry it has come to this but you have left me with no other choice. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you please". And I left the room.

Hard 180.

Plan to D right after holidays were over (3 weeks).

He’s begging to R. I’m a strong "hell no". Finally yo shut him up I demanded a post nup. He willingly signed.

I saw a change. I decided to give it 30 days. First time I saw remorse from him. All his other flirty behavior stopped.

And 9 years later we are happily R. But I made serious changes and I take no crap. He knows I will walk out the door in a heartbeat. No questions asked.

My peace and happiness are now my top priority.

But it took me putting on the bitch boots and a wake up call for it to happen. I stopped being a doormat. I stopped caring about "why" he cheated. I stopped making excuses. I stopped tolerating his chronic lateness and disrespect and flirty behavior.

Sadly I did not know about SI during his last affair. I made all the classic mistakes. But in 6 months I changed the dynamics. And I learned it all the hard way.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:50 PM, Sunday, November 27th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766914
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

So I was the person that a prior poster alluded to that girl myself out of infidelity and changed ME and my situation.

Brief summary. 4 year EA (that I knew about the entire time) that he refused to admit to it stop. It finally ended and was rugswept.

15 years later it’s now the mid life crisis affair with a much younger (single) OW. And this time I went from dday1 to impending D in 10 days.

I had no money. Kids, house with a mortgage I cannot afford, a toxic boss who was abusive and now my CH is giving me crap.

My plan was to hang in 90 days to get some $ in my account. It was tough going.

But I got up to those 90 days and I thought things were getting better. duh But now I’m getting played like a yo-yo. He wants a D. Then he doesn’t. A week later he’s not sure what he wants. This goes on and on.

So while I’m working my butt off thinking we are R he’s still cheating.

During this time, I financially protected myself, changed the life insurance policies do he could not change beneficiary and I had an amazing counselor. And a few good friends who supported me.

Brings us to dday2 (6 months from dday1).

I very calmly tell my H on dday2 "I am D you. I’m sorry it has come to this but you have left me with no other choice. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you please". And I left the room.

Hard 180.

Plan to D right after holidays were over (3 weeks).

He’s begging to R. I’m a strong "hell no". Finally to shut him up I demanded a post nup. He willingly signed.

I saw a change. I decided to give it 30 days. First time I saw remorse from him. All his other flirty behavior stopped. We started to make some progress. It was slow. It was hard. But it was progress.

And 9 years later we are happily R. But I made serious changes and I take no crap. He knows I will walk out the door in a heartbeat. No questions asked.

My peace and happiness are now my top priority.

But it took me putting on the bitch boots and a wake up call for it to happen. I stopped being a doormat. I stopped caring about "why" he cheated. I stopped making excuses. I stopped tolerating his chronic lateness and disrespect and flirty behavior.

Sadly I did not know about SI during his last affair. I made all the classic mistakes. But in 6 months I changed the dynamics. And I learned it all the hard way.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766915
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:52 PM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

Please try and give yourself some care. Give your brain a break and not drink. You need healthy brain tissue to navigate this. Eat healthy foods and good fats like olive oil and sesame oil and fish oil. Eat moderate amounts of carbs so you won't have blood sugar crashes.

Find some time to give your mind a break. Sit and hear music or listen to birds. Play a video from online with relaxation or calm in the title. Many have waterfalls or waves or flowing streams and gentle music.

All this stress and what your body has been through....time to heal now.

The body and mind are not separate. The good news is that the body responds quickly to healthy food and rest. Then you can think clearly. Mental pain is awful but please avoid substances to numb it.

You have a world of possibility before you. Please do not fear. Fear chains us, holds us back, restricts our options. You can make small decisions today that take you to a better place tomorrow. Every day a little closer. Sounds simple but it's true. Everything we can do....walk, talk, read, cook, drive....we learned it slowly so we could build confidence and skill.

You can remake your life. You can. Even if you don't know exactly what you want right now. It's OK. Do not fear. Watch a calming video then quietly listen to your own heart. Eat a good meal. Exercise to burn off stress.

You can do these things while you face these strong emotions. Life is not a locked in predetermined path. Please do not choose destruction. Be kind to the body you have and think how you can best go forward to a life that is good for you and good for others. This is why we are here. To learn, to grow, to share, to love, to give, to be connected to millions of living things here on our beautiful home. It's very sad what has happened. Your pain is great. I know you can come through it. Please do not accept less. You decide for yourself what is best for you and then you move toward that every day.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2534   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8767020
Topic is Sleeping.
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