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Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Divorce/Separation :
Wound re-opened. Selling the family farm

Topic is Sleeping.

 TrustedHer (original poster member #23328) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I haven't posted much on SI for years. Mostly, I look at Stupid Picture Friday in F&G.

It's finally time for me to sell the family farm, and I'm in negotiations with my niece to purchase it.

This is my XWW's sister's kid. Not my blood, but I've known her her whole life.

I lost half the farm in the divorce, and XWW and her new husband live on that half.
I moved away 8 years ago, and my son lived on my half, until last year when he moved in with his girlfriend. They just got married.

I've spent years telling myself I'd eventually sell the farm, and not move back to it. Who wants to drive past their ex's house ever single time you return home?

It's the right thing to do, and I know that, and I've convinced myself of it. I need the money so I can retire in peace.


I grew up on this farm, from the age of 12. My parents built the house. They died here. I had good memories to go with the bad, and a lot of history, including seeing my youngest graduate from high school at the same school I went to. But whatever good memories I have, they keep coming back to the death of my marriage, the death of my dreams for the farm, the delay of my retirement (caused by the court system).

This sale is causing me to remember and reflect on the bad years and relive the breakup of my marriage. I'm stressed, and anxious, and second-guessing myself in many ways. I'm stress eating and having sleep issues.

I know I'll be better once this is wrapped up, but the process will take time. And then the settling down will take time.

In the past, it was cathartic for me to post on SI, and get my whining done in text. I'm hoping that still helps me.

Thanks for listening.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

posts: 5942   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
id 8766156

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I still own a piece of property with my ex. Our house burned down right after learning about the A, and I moved 20 miles away and bought a house. He moved to a house he owned before we got together. I know we will have to make a decision on it and sell, since I cannot afford to rebuild on it. And like you, it will break my heart even though I know it is the only reasonable outcome (unless the lottery gods smile upon me, but no luck so far). It was not my family homestead, but it was a place I was really really happy at— I called it "The Retreat" and even in the horrible days after DDAY it was where I was content and at peace.

Accept what it meant and means to you. And grieve that- it is a loss. And accept that your niece will take good care of it and love it.
I am so sorry this is where things ended up, but I am glad that selling it to your niece will give you a secure retirement.


Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5221   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8766165

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:59 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

Don't let nostalgia get in the way of a new life and future, sell the land and use the money to supplement your retirement, the memories both good and bad will stay with you, make a video of it if you want to, keep on keeping on.

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8766166

RaggedyAnne ( member #78800) posted at 7:40 PM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

I am sorry you are having to sell your family farm. I can relate to your feelings. Ours had been in our family for over 100 years and is where I grew up. I have so many memories at every corner of that land. Just driving through the fields or the gravel roads that led to it brought me a sense of belonging and being home.

I still can't bring myself to drive out there since it sold though. Not sure that I ever will again.

I try and remind myself of all the work that I no longer have to do since it sold and focus on how it changed retirement and how it will change my children's lives when I am gone.

I hope you can find peace with your decision.

posts: 52   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2021
id 8766178

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:46 AM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Cherish the good memories.

Sell it and realize you can move forward with other choices. I know selling this stings but honestly, I think your XW should have shown some respect and chosen a different place to live.

I’m sorry but that’s just me. I would not have stayed on a farm that Belonged to my XH & family for decades/century. I don’t care what the judge awarded me in the D.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12995   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766251

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:40 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

TrustedHer, that IS a lot to process and grieve. I have a farm too, but it wasn't in my family like yours, with the generational memories. Unless there were no better options for the XW, she really made it painful for you by choosing to live nearby, I agree with The1stWife about the way that seems here.

You said something that resonated with me, since my WH and I co-own 2 lots across the street from the farm tracts I had him gift me after D-Day 2 (via a post nup with executed deeds of gift, where I gave him our old house somewhere else). I always had to think about whether I'd want to still live here, if he chose to build across the street and then have some woman or women there, year after year. No need to do that to each other.

Anyway I think you are right to feel these feelings at this time, no wonder! If you could get real life support for your New Beginning it would really help you deal, too. My brother just died yesterday having suffered for 17 years after his wife left him for someone else (he had a drinking issue all his life that got worse with all the accumulated losses that go with divorce. Even though he got the house and custody at the time!) I feel that my brother was mostly trying to be strong and "move on" but it was too much pain to just brush aside. I feel for you today, and urge you to take care of your emotional well being!!

posts: 1587   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8766290

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:47 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

So sorry you’re going through this.

Your wife is such a scumbag, not just for cheating, but for taking a portion of your family farm!

It doesn’t matter if she was legally entitled to it; she should’ve had the decency not to take it.

I’m wishing you peace and recovery this holiday season.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1090   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766723
Topic is Sleeping.
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