There are a lot of things going on here. I think there are few things you need to accept, and to understand, about where you are, and what's going on in the marriage.
As a wayward myself, I struggled mightly with accountability. It's not that I didn't "admit" my transgressions, it was that I didn't "own" them. I see you struggling with this as well. For example:
My affair wouldn’t have started at all if he didn’t make that move on me.
It's not that I don't believe you, I do. Same here. I never went looking for an affair, she walked up to me. So that's good, right? (No)
The problem is, this is not only an excuse, but an attempt to trick yourself as much as anyone else. Imagine someone walks up to you and smacks you clean across the face, with no warning and no apparent reason. When you inquire as to why they did that, they say, "Gosh, I never would smack anyone, but my friends dared me, so I guess I had to." Does that make you feel better now? Has your respect for that person returned now? Do you now trust that they will never smack you again for no reason?
The truth is, regardless of their reason or motivations, they smacked you, for no reason. Their intentions have no bearing on the pain, trauma and shock they caused you. Saying they had no real reason to do it doesn't make them safer... if anything, it makes them LESS safe, because they don't even seem to indicate that they've learned an important lesson and will never do that again. Instead, they just they brush it off... rugsweep it. "I didn't really mean to do it in the first place, so I'm a good person regardless of my actions" is the message being sent. Your husband hears the same message from you loud and clear.
Yes, he came up to you. Great. But you made a choice, of your own free will. No one put a gun to your head. You also could have told that guy to F off and go away, but you didn't make that choice. So you need to own that. By making that statement, you've also shown him that you don't "really" feel that you did anything wrong, and worse, that nothing has changed. The same person (you), has the same unhealthy boundaries as you did 3 years ago. Nothing about you feels "safer" now to him than you were then. He can't be sure what will happen the next time a guy walks up to you.
Imagine that same scenario, someone walking up to you and smacking you. Now, imagine that person came back and was horrified at what they did to you. They fuss over you, ask if you are okay, offer to take you to the hospital to make sure you are okay, is willing to pay any medical bills, offers to reimburse you if you miss work. They call every few days, not to talk about themselves but to see how you are dealing with the trauma. In the meantime, they take anger management classes, and get therapy to try and figure out what about them allowed them to smack another person. They turn themselves into the cops and accept the charge of assault. They offer to pick up groceries or run errands if you are too traumatized to deal with those things. They start a donation and raise money for services that deal with abuse. They bend over backward to make things right, even at their own expense, because they cannot live with themselves knowing they did something they abhor.
Is that person now someone you MIGHT consider forgiving? Would you at least consider them a little safer, a little more aware of what they did, how it affected YOU, and feeling that they will never do this again? THAT's the person your husband needed after the affair. It's still the person he needs. He isn't getting that person however, and so he feels he has no reason to trust you because there isn't anything about you at your core that feels different to him. If you can still say, "I didn't start this", than who did? How can he trust you when he can't trust that you really understand and own your actions?
Im a people pleaser and don’t like when others don’t like me so this is especially hard.
Again, we have this in common. Tattoo this phrase on your forehead. You need to understand it.
Generally speaking, waywards don't love or respect themselves. Instead, we get our sense of self-worth, self-value and self-respect from others. When other people tell us that we're pretty, smart, talented, funny, whatever... we eat it up. Having other acknowledge us makes us feel loved and valued. But what happens when that flow of positive energy from others... stops? For people who love themselves, it doesn't matter. They don't need external validation in order to feel good about themselves, they make it for themselves. But for people like you and me... we crumble. Our self-worth is like a gas tank with a hole in it. Keep pouring gas in, and the car keeps going along. But turn the gas off... and the tank is empty within seconds. Useless. WS's "love tanks" are like that. When we don't get the external validation we need, we suffer, greatly. Deeply. Since we can't make ourselves feel loved without that external source, we do the only thing we know how to... we look for it elsewhere. We find someone or something else to pump up our egos. Which is why, when that guy made a move on you... you went for it. He made you feel special, desired, and important. He put you on a pedestal and made you feel as if he couldn't live without you. FULL LOVE TANK BABY!
We can't live like that however. Never mind your marriage, YOU will never be happy, never be fulfilled, never be "enough" for yourself, and if you cannot love yourself, then how could you possibly, truly, love another? We cannot give to another what we do not own ourselves. Do you love your husband? Or do you love how he made you feel? How did you make him feel? How did you show him he's special?
What else do you guys do?
Final thing here. Understand that the very concept of "doing something in order to make him feel a certain way, or act a certain way" is still 100% manipulation and abuse. Your AP lied and manipulated you in order to get from you what he wanted. When you do things with the end goal of making your husband love you again, you are doing the same thing to him. You have an outcome that you want, and you are trying to force him to give you that outcome. That's about YOU, not him. It's what YOU want... what does HE want? Why aren't you supporting him in what he wants if you love him so much? How is him loving you again good for him in any way? It's not. It's good for you. He's still stuck with a cheater.
Get it in your head that the marriage is already over, regardless if you are married or divorced, regardless of whether you live together or not. It ended the day you said yes to the AP.
You can't, and shouldn't try to, "Save the marriage". It doesn't work that way. In the same way that you can't get "un-smacked in the face" you also can't "un-cheat" and make things better. The only path forward is to create something new together, a new relationship... or, to move forward with no relationship at all. That IS a possibility. But you cannot do either of those things while you still have an empty love-tank and no way of filling it.
The first step is to patch the hole in the tank. Then, you learn to fill it yourself. To love yourself. To develop healthy boundaries, self-respect, decency, values, integrity, humility, empathy... people who have these things in their lives, who love themselves... don't cheat. They don't need to, and they wouldn't do so even if a gun was to their head. When you become someone who loves themself, then you also become someone that someone else could love, truly love. Your husband will never "forgive you" in the way you want him to. But he might... maybe... learn to love the new you. But that has to exist first. YOU have fix that. You can't fix him or the marriage. You can only change you.
Last thing... sometimes, infidelity is a deal-breaker. Full stop. You could change and become the most wonderful person ever... it might not be enough. And that's a reality you need to account for.