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Newest Member: Unsureofhope

Just Found Out :
Read 180 but not looking to reconcile

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 4:28 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Hello, I think I'm going to call Maury Povich and ask him to get out retirement for a special episode. 5 weeks ago my husband totally Dropped a Bomb on Me . He said everything I suspected about a young woman we know was true and they had been having an affair off and on for two and a half years( I believe it to be more than three and it started off as an emotional affair) and hold on to something, he said "she gave birth to my child this morning#! That's how he broke the news gently. I absolutely did not see this coming as he's made more effort this year than he ever has. He began coming to counseling with me and joined Gambler's Announmous. He continued to date me( show me any physical affection other than a hug). I have been married to my husband for 32 years and with him since I was 16 years old (for a total of 37 years together). He always worked a lot and I was okay with finding things to do by myself before we had kids. We had a daughter 8 years after our marriage and then a son two years later. I work part-time in the evening so that the children weren't in daycare. We never really made time for ourselves and that I guess was the beginning of our decline. My husband never really asked to do things with me or ask our mothers to babysit because he works 6 days a week and what little time he had was for the children. Anyway the last 10 years haven't been great and I begged him to go to counseling and he never would. About 7 years ago our sex life went to non-existent except for one time at a wedding 3 years ago. It's a really long story but I suspected he was becoming too attached to someone he worked with. I saw with my own eyes it was more like a father figure as she was deeply troubled and told us she was physically abused by her father (Daddy issues) . I got involved and tried to help her because it was inappropriate that he was her boss. He even asked her to be transferred to another location so I thought their relationship was mostly over but he took it Underground. For many reasons I didn't suspect them having a physical affair. Although in December I caught him in a big lie involving her and I asked him if he was sleeping with her and he said no. Unfortunately I wasn't face to face with him because I was out of state with our daughter. I told him I was done and I wanted a divorce if he did not agree to go to counseling finally. I also knew he had some gambling issues but I didn't know how bad they were and how much money he was spending until earlier this year when I caught him in another lie involving this young woman. Once again I asked if he was sleeping with her and he said no. Most of this year we were not sleeping in the same bad for many reasons.
He moved out 5 weeks ago and I have filed for divorce. I still can't believe that this has happened to me and after I've given him about 60% of my life I go through all the stages of anger, disbelief, loneliness and fear. I am finding help in everyone else's story but if anyone has any other wisdom for me I would love to get some advice to keep me motivated to keep fighting the fight. How do I deal with him when I still have to see him? He hasn't helped me clean out the house and he left me with so many problems when he had 9 months or even 3 years to give me a heads up. Many many times I asked him if you don't want to be with me please let me know. I asked him nicely without yelling and he never said anything. This is so hard!

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8753836
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 10:40 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Wow, Momof2, you truly did give him many opportunities to come clean.

But cheaters are also liars--they are both deception. So, this is on totally on him.

Know that you have conducted yourself honorably. This is all on your WH. He will (
likely very soon) regret his choices with this young woman.

This next part of what you have to do (divorce) will be painful, so treat yourself with great kindness. Get a support network of friends, family, and also an individual counselor in place to begin healing.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8753883
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 10:57 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

The 180 is to help you emotionally detach. It doesn't mean that you'll use it to R, because I certainly didn't. The modified 180 helped me to start to pull away from my XWH because we'd been together over 30 years. As soon as you can, go No Contact (NC). Discussion should only be about your kids or the D.

You can pack his stuff & tell him to come get it, pack his stuff & put it in storage & tell him to go get it, or you can tell him he needs to get his stuff by X or you will send it to (insert charity here). Check with your attorney about the length of time it takes before you can toss anything, though.

So sorry you're going through this. Be sure to take care of you during this time. And expect the emotions to come & go. We call it the emotional rollercoaster....

[This message edited by leafields at 11:02 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1500   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8753885
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 10:57 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Duplicate

[This message edited by leafields at 11:03 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1500   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8753886
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:04 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Seriously, I would ruin a cheater over that kind of treatment. I'm not a vindictive person usually, but the very idea that he'd say some stupid melodramatic thing like "my child was born this morning" while informing you of a clandestine affair and not think you would (at least figuratively) brain him is beyond my gloriously florid imagination!

Okay... breathing... breathing... ...and I'm back. smile

Yeah, I've been married for a similar amount of time, and to be jerked around like that after giving so many years of your youth and vitality in good faith, only to be dicked around like this decades later is heinous. We do have a Separation/Divorce section where you can message about strategy with people who have shared the experience, so that's something to consider as D questions arise. In terms of dealing with the emotional fallout though, just know that you're going to be okay. It doesn't feel like it this early on, I know, but we've all been there and we're still standing. Some have divorced, others reconciled, but all of us recognize the pain and the emotional trauma of intimate betrayal. Be sure to check out The Healing Library, particularly for information on good self-care. It's so important to prioritize yourself right now.

I'm so sorry you had cause to be here, but glad you found us. smile

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8753900
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:28 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

whoa. I am speechless. What a spineless sack of shit the other woman just won. He couldn't even muster up the balls to tell you that she was pregnant until she gave birth and he absolutely had to. And she is a sad sack of shit too. Sounds like they are two peas in a pod. Do your kids know? How did they react?

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 255   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8754103
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:35 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Wow. If he’s a gambler then he’s going to be working right past retirement on into his 70s and he’s gonna have a young child that he has to support. What a fun life he’s gotten for himself.
Make sure you go after money. Make sure you go after as much money as you can get. I’m thinking vindictive. I’m thinking get a nasty lawyer who doesn’t mind going after his bones.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3616   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8754131
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Prettyflawed ( new member #80840) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I am so sorry this happened to you. What a jerk way to disclose the OC. mad Did you kick him out right there and then?

How do I deal with him when I still have to see him?

I would not see him at all. All communication through email and only about the kids and divorce. I hope you got a great lawyer that will take him to the cleaners.


He hasn't helped me clean out the house and he left me with so many problems when he had 9 months or even 3 years to give me a heads up.

I would not count on him for anything. He has shown his true colors. Are your kids and other family and friends nearby and can help you move out all his things. Just pack them up and tell him to pick them up. Make a list of the things that need to be done around the house and see if you know others that can help fix them.

How are your kids handling the news?

Take care of yourself. Meditate, exercise and try to eat.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Ohio
id 8754146
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 6:45 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice. I am not the most tech savvy and I am using my phone at 1:30am to respond. I wish I could figure out how to respond to each of you. Anyway, yes I have been trying to take care of myself as best as I can. I work as a teacher's assistant and he dropped this bomb on me with 3weeks to go back to school (and I had knee Surgery in June and he took care of me the first week and drove me to PT 1day a week on his day off). He was really leading a double life. He hasn't shown me any physical affection other than a hug in years (last kiss, that I had to ask for, was almost a year ago) but I really thought he was trying since I caught him in that big lie in Dec.He moved in with OW the night of the big reveal. She was in the hospital after giving birth. He told me that night he wasnt sure he wanted to be with her and he tried to kill himself by stopping his heart medicine. I didn't fall for that or feel sorry for him at all. I was in complete shock! I wish I had yelled at him or even hit him.
He told my children over the phone the next day. My daughter even had a social media friendship with OW because OW is only a few years older than her. She is very hurt and angry. She told her father she doesn't see herself ever speaking to him again now that he has a living reminder of what he did to all of us. She lives out of state and is coming soon so we can be together. My son lives with me. He is hurt and confused but not as angry as his sister. He has seen him several times to deal with car loan/DMV issues and when he has come to get things/drop off paperwork.
I know this is super long but, I just found a Valentine's Day card from her to him given 2years ago in the last last of his stuff I put in the garage yesterday. The card she chose and the 5 paragraphs she wrote were gross and just what I needed to bring the last of his stuff up from the basement and tell him he had to get it no later than Saturday. I found some credit card statements also that shows that he charged over $4,000 in one year that I didn't know about on his MasterCard that I am not on. I copied all the statements that I had and the Valentine's Day card and scan them to my attorney this morning. With his admission of the DNA test showing he's the father and this Valentine's Day card I'm hoping I can take him for every cent he has. I haven't heard from my attorney but I may try to call them a little later this morning. If you've made it this far thank you so much for reading all of this.

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8754174
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I copied all the statements that I had and the Valentine's Day card and scan them to my attorney this morning. With his admission of the DNA test showing he's the father and this Valentine's Day card I'm hoping I can take him for every cent he has. I haven't heard from my attorney but I may try to call them a little later this morning.


Yeah, I'm not usually vindictive in any way, but my first thought when I read your story was that I'd shove a lawyer so far up that guy's ass he'd be tasting brylcreem for a month! blink
Really though, in some states adultery still matters and even in those where it does not, dissipation of marital assets is something which can result in you being entitled to half of that money back. I'm soooooo proud of you for having an attorney already. In so many cases, we're just poleaxed by the adultery and too numb to be proactive. Then, when you're ready, you may have already tripped up on condonation laws or some other bother which takes the wind out of your sales and makes your settlement more difficult to achieve. I think you've done a remarkable job thus far.

In some respects, they're both getting what they deserve though. They're each getting a skeezy cheater without any semblence of integrity. The OW is getting a selfish conflict avoider who gambles, and your WH is getting a screaming infant instead of a quiet retirement. Believe me, I love kids and all, but I'd rather have a dozen simultaneous root canals than babysit for longer than a couple of days at my age. I can't even imagine starting over again at this point in my life when I'm supposed to be reaping the rewards of a job well done. Cheaters often create their own punishment. All that he had achieved up to this point in life has gone up in a puff of smoke, and he'll never make that OW happy because the reality is that he's simply too old for her.


I am not the most tech savvy and I am using my phone at 1:30am to respond. I wish I could figure out how to respond to each of you.

I hate trying to use my phone for SI, so admittedly, the difficulty level is increased, but still, not terribly bad. You just copy and paste the parts of text you want to respond to, then highlight again and click the quote mark above the box. It looks like this when you're done...


[qu0te]Here's the parts of the text I want to quote[/qu0te]

I deliberately misspelled the word "quote" so you can what it should look like.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8754204
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 12:07 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Thank you Chamomile Tea. He just came by to get the last of his stuff and I told him that he can contact me by email. He told me he had to cancel a doctor's appointment today because he had to meet with a lawyer LOL. He's run up so much debt I'm really scared of what's going to happen and if I'm going to have to leave the house I've been in for 25 years. We're in an expensive area and I don't know anywhere I can go for less than $1,600 a month and that's what our current mortgage is. I stayed in this job when our youngest went to all day school and first grade. I don't make a lot of money but I have great health insurance. My knee replacement surgery cost me less than $200 and it was a $28,000 surgery. I had told him that I was doing it this year instead of next because of him because I needed the help in a place to recover. Maybe that's why he didn't want to say anything but I told him this story is in two parts and he certainly could have told me part one anytime in the last 3 years. I told him tonight you deserve each other go enjoy your life!

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8754270
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Prettyflawed ( new member #80840) posted at 11:27 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

The poor man had to get a lawyer. This is the consequence of his actions. Since he asked for a DNA test on the baby looks like he suspects she's sleeping with others. Baby trap. Sounds like a solid foundation for a relationship. laugh Has the OW filed for child support yet?

I would run credit reports on youself and him and also check that a home equity loan or second mortgage has not been placed on the house (gambling money).

You are doing great all things considered.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 11:37 AM, Thursday, September 8th]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Ohio
id 8754316
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Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 3:03 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Momof2greatadults

Came over here after your reply on my thread. What an incredibly hurtful way he revealed his affair to you. Mine was pretty heartless and cold as well, but your situation is worse.

We have a lot of parallels. My WW also went back to work part-time after our first child was born, and it was in the evening because we didn't want to put the kids in day care. Unfortuately...this job is where she met the piece of garbage that eventually became her AP. That's one of the problems when they become friends with opposite sex co-workers. They end up spending a lot of time together.

My WW really did alienate me in the affection department too, and though she isn't a gambler, she has spending issues let's just say...

Mine too just moved her things out and I am also stuck with eventually having to clean out this house. My mortgage is also low and I hate the thought of having to leave my home that I worked so hard for just because of her affair and subsequent departure. Don't have the major $$ it would take to buy her out.

I assume your STBXH is lving with this woman?

Make sure you take care of you health. Eat right, try to sleep and get some exercise. The stress of all of this takes such a huge emotional, mental and physical toll.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:18 AM, Monday, September 12th]

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8754883
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 2:46 AM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

Hello. I need another positive motivation from my tribe. Today wasn't easy. My sister in law (WH sister)sent me a birthday card with a decent check. She wrote in the card that "she is praying for me" and she hopes "in the long run that my life will be better and she is sorry that I am going through such a difficult time". I sent her a text thanking her for the check and I said yes, some aspects of my life will be better eventually. Then she responded that she is worried sick about our financial situation and she is sorry that I got an attorney. "It would be in your best interest to go to mediation" and to call her to discuss this further. She is a retired CPA who basically has worked for her husband's business for 30 years. She and her husband are well off and could definitely help her brother pay off the debts. She was helping my WH gather his Financials. Yes, there is alot of debt but I would say that he controlled the finances and spending. He was controlling and would sometimes get mad if I paid a bill when didn't want me to yet. He ran up another credit card to over $6,000 that I have never used. He was gambling on our state lottery and I now know he was paying some of his AP/baby mama's bills. He moved in with her 6weeks ago when the baby was born.
I just wanted someone to remind me I did the right thing by getting a lawyer and filing quickly. I wanted to get what I deserve before baby mama kicks him out and goes for child support. WH makes 5x more money I do and I am hoping the alimony will help me to be able to stay in the house for a while until I can figure more things out. I didn't say anything to her snarky text but I wanted to say if her brother had told me something 3 years ago we could have been working on this debt and if he hadn't been spending money on two households we might not be in such a bad position. How do I stay strong when his family will be turning against me?

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8755323
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Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 2:13 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

Momof2greatadults

You did do the right thing by moving quickly with the attorney. Nice job. You need to make sure you are protected and get what you rightly deserve.It sounds like there will be a lot to untangle in the financial disclosures, so be careful.

Your SIL needs to mind her own buiness. So far I've been fortunate that my wife's siblings have done nothing of the sort. I think they just don't know how to process any of it.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8755732
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:05 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

Agreed with Troutman, you absolutely did the right thing. It sounds to me like your SIL has taken on the role of "flying monkey" and is trying to work you on behalf of your STBX. She's got no business getting involved regardless of her accounting background. She's helping your STBX "gather his financials" or whatever and the takeaway is that she's helping HIM. You need to be a priority to someone at this point and it's crystal clear that you're not a priority to your cheater and your SIL has already picked a side.

Don't doubt yourself. You've got a lot at stake and divorce is business. Think of it this way, everything you take is less that he can spend on whatever homewrecker he hooks up with. Don't allow anyone to guilt you. As the saying goes... "divorce is expensive because it's worth it". It costs what it costs, and that's a damned sight better than getting ripped off for a lifetime.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8755770
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 12:33 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Thank you Troutman and Chamomiletea. I don't feel sorry for him but somehow I need alot of reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I don't know where I will get more money if I have to go over the $5,000 retainer. I have never been one to have much self confidence before all of this. The lack of LOVE, affection and total rejection I have been living through these last 7years has made me feel so unworthy of many things. I know I am a good person. I am so willing to do things for other people even if they treat me like crap. I just want to get to the 30 day mark when he has to file his answers and present his Financials so I will get a better picture of what I need to do.

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: Maryland
id 8755901
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:34 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

One thing we have in abundance is reassurance, so post as often as you need to. smile

I'm not the best one to ask about how much one should expect to spend on their divorce, but attorneys are motivated to get paid and they can't get blood from a turnip. If it comes to needing more, I suspect s/he will help you figure out where that money will come from.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8756205
Topic is Sleeping.
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