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Newest Member: Tortex

Reconciliation :
5 years out

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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 3:25 AM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

Somehow I always feel the need to post when I hit a significant anniversary. It was five years ago today that I kicked H out of our home; the trickle truth began and took three months. Those three months are such a blur now, but I know it was incredibly painful, and I became severely depressed. While I still struggle with some anxiety (I had anxiety issues even before H's infidelity), it is so much better than it was in those early days and weeks.

We are about to become first-time grandparents in the next couple of weeks, so it will start another new chapter in our lives. I look forward to a transition and new identity that doesn't have anything to do with what happened five years ago, something joyful. I'd been soooooo afraid that our daughter would have the baby on today's anniversary date, and it would be tainted, but that's not going to happen as of an hour ago! So we're in the clear for an exciting time.

I've been an outlier in the recovery continuum. We read a lot about how it takes 3-5 years to heal; when years 3 and 4 came along and things still didn't feel settled, I began to worry. But I know I/we're in a much better place than we were a year ago. At year 5, I can meet new people and not feel the urge to blurt out, "I have PTSD, thanks to my H." I think that's a sign of healing. I'm looking forward to more healing in the years to come.

And with that, I've done my due diligence in documenting my experience.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8739712
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 12:45 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

Hi number4 - five years is a huge milestone. Congratulations on getting through a very tough time and on the new life you are expecting to arrive soon!

The healing timeline is an average meaning your mileage may vary and that is perfectly fine. You survived two sets of infidelity so no wonder there is anxiety and a lot of time to heal.

Do you feel your WS has done the work to change?

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2816   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8739722
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 9:52 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

@ISurvivedSoFar - yes, he has done a lot of work. When the last bit of trickle truth came out three months after DDay, he agreed (with our couple's therapist recommendation) to go to a residential treatment program to get his shit together. He was there for six weeks and did a lot of preliminary work, which has continued since then. He's still in therapy (as am I), and still learning.

Sometimes I read stories here of WS who do not go to therapy, and I wonder how in the world are they able to figure out why they did what they did. I would not be willing to stay with someone unless they were working with a professional, and H knew/knows that. He did a polygraph around that three-month mark, too and passed (I think the jury is still out on whether those are reliable or not, but he did it anyway).

Our only recent glitch was having to 'fire' our couple's therapist. I posted about it in the Off Topics forum - she ended up being a whack job of sorts who failed miserably in the professional boundaries department). Because we have so much going on right now with our impending grandchild, which will involve some travel across country, we have not lined up another couple's therapist, although we do have names. Honestly, it's been sort of nice to only have one appt. we each have to go to each week. But I suspect we will need to get back into couple's therapy at some point.

Funny, last night before I went to bed, I looked at my Facebook memories, and five years ago I changed my profile picture of our whole immediate family at D's wedding three months prior (when he was deep into his last affair), to one of just me and the D at her wedding. I was so ready to write him out of my life. Sometimes I think we've 'lived' more in the last five years than we did in the previous 30 years of marriage, if that makes sense.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8739775
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 10:46 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

This totally makes sense:

Sometimes I think we've 'lived' more in the last five years than we did in the previous 30 years of marriage, if that makes sense.

We are totally honest with each other now. And we don't hide our feelings. It makes for a really special relationship. To me it is so much better now than the twenty years prior to the A except of course for the loss of innocence.

And I think that really dovetails into this.

Sometimes I read stories here of WS who do not go to therapy, and I wonder how in the world are they able to figure out why they did what they did.

I suppose it could be done but it would take an awful lot to gain the knowledge. We went through many MCs before we finally found the one that me us where we needed at the right time. And I think we wouldn't be able to sort through everything without her. She was the lynchpin between our IC work and the couple work. Each of us had a lot of work to do independently. If not for the three professionals working together on our behalf, we'd likely not be together.

There are many ways to heal but from the commentary here it seems beneficial to at least work through and heal ourselves individually so we can be better for our own sakes. For me IC was really important.

I'm glad you and your H are both still going. That's great. We're about to go to a couples retreat next week which should be very interesting this far out.

Glad you are able to take care of you number 4.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2816   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8739786
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:20 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Thank you for doing your due diligence and sharing this with us grin !!

Being a grandparent is such a JOY!!! Congratulations to y'all and WELCOME to this very wonderful club that we grandparents ALL love to be a part of grin !!

My H and I didn't go to professional therapy. We were able to get through to his why without it smile . It took me about 7 years before I felt fully healed...and it MIGHT have taken less time for both of these things if we had been going to therapy. But we are happily in R at this point and we give all the thanks to God for keeping us on a path to healing and reconciliation grin !!

Here's to even more healing...and happy updates...and grandbabies for all of us grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6162   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8739984
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 9:22 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

We went through many MCs before we finally found the one that me us where we needed at the right time.

I was talking about this to my therapist on Monday. She has some ideas of people in mind she thinks would be good fits for us. One of the things that I dread, is having to rehash the story over again. I can't imagine if we have to go through the story many times! What was that like? How did you prevent reliving the trauma every time you told the story over again to someone new?

It's been a several years since I rehashed the story with all the pertinent details to anyone, and I remember it's so draining. How did you do it many times??

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8740388
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 12:16 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Good question number4.

One of the things that I dread, is having to rehash the story over again. I can't imagine if we have to go through the story many times! What was that like? How did you prevent reliving the trauma every time you told the story over again to someone new?

The more you tell it the less impact it has on you. I remember all that fear and anxiety about having to face it and you know it just helped to talk about it.

This weekend we have our intensive couples work. I must admit I am a bit nervous. Why? Like you I know in order to get to the next stage I have to go there - go into the dark recesses of my pain that includes infidelity and beyond to heal. I know I will be uncomfortable. But I also know I will have a richer relationship with everyone the more I heal from my past traumas and work on this.

We get to a point where we become almost robotic - going through our days and not really connecting fully as we should. It isn't just our M - it impacts every relationship.

When you chose your MC, you may want to consider finding someone who is EFT certified. It is a wonderful methodology that really works on attuning to others and in this case your partner. EFT = Emotionally Focused Therapy

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2816   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8740429
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 11:02 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

The therapists that my IC is hoping we find a therapist who is trained in though PACT - Psychological Approach to Couple's Therapy; it is a fusion of attachment theory, developmental neuroscience, and arousal regulation.

For now, it's on hold; we're headed to the other coast tonight as our grandson was born a few hours ago! But I'm not quite sold on the PACT treatment. She swears by it, and thinks the therapist who founded it is fabulous. We'll see.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8740524
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

we're headed to the other coast tonight as our grandson was born a few hours ago!

And your post count when I read this shows 1000. smile

Congratulations. I hope the trip went well, assuming you read this after at least the flight out is done. Enjoy the time with your kids and GS. And as satisfying it is to see your newborn GS, being a grandparent gets better. smile

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:25 PM, Friday, June 17th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27413   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8740727
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