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Between you, me, and mental illness

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 veryconfused (original poster member #56933) posted at 5:41 AM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

As much as I would love to say that there is a great reconciliation, I can not. My life is good., I feel blessed, I have a cute little kitten attacking my fingers as I type, kids are healthy, yet there is a great sadness years later.

My WS has not been able to be there for me in much of any way. Anxiety. Honestly I don’t mind dealing with it and being supportive in her work or personal life. I just long for the day when she decides that the "I’m a big girl and I just need to hike up my panties and deal" goes away. It is okay for our daughter to be on medication and see a therapist. In fact, it was highly suggested by her. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. End tangent…

To the point, the affair doesn’t bother me much any more beyond the odd trigger. However, the fact that my WS hasn’t been there for me much does. In fact, it is to the point of losing attraction.

I guess I’m just sharing with a group than can understand…

posts: 247   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8739278
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 7:52 AM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

Because of your wife's anxiety, she can't be there for you? I call bs. There are plenty of posters here who suffer from anxiety, yet also are all about being there for their spouse, sometimes too much so (when the spouse is a cheater).

Your wife is an adult. She can either manage anxiety on her own or get therapy/medication for it. And also be there for you. It's a choice on her part not to be there for you. I think on some level you know that, which is why you're losing attraction for her. The not being there for you betrays a lack of love. That's definitely a mood-killer.

You can give her a chance and communicate clearly, when you have her undivided attention, that your needs are not being met, and that her anxiety is not a get out of jail free pass that excuses her from being there for you. Her response to that would be telling.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8739284
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 veryconfused (original poster member #56933) posted at 11:42 AM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

You are not wrong at all. It is BS, and yes it is the crux of the issue. Thank you for con census sharing.

posts: 247   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8739293
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 12:02 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

Have you heard about or learned about attachment styles and associated family of origin? It may help you better understand why she's the way she is.

That won't fix her issuses but it may put a name to what you face.

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8739297
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

I could have written what you did some 35 yrs. ago. but instead of acting on it in any way, I just carried on and kept telling myself things would get better when the kids were older, when we didn't have a mortgage, when he retired, when we didn't have parents to take care of.

And then, poof! He took off for his High School girlfriend 2 weeks before our 45th Anniversary. The only thing he asked for from the house were his H.S. sports letters.

Do something, anything, in whatever form you can to change things because, trust me, you don't want to be me at age 67. I just passed the 5 yr. mark (and endured what would've been our 50th Anniversary) and sad to say, I live with so many regrets, I sometimes wonder why I get up in the morning. I wasted my life waiting for him to be a good partner. Too late I figured out he didn't have it in him, at least not without counseling or something.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3117   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8739303
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:59 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

I sense the emptiness your marriage brings you. How sad that you have to live like this.

Knowing your wife won’t change, what are your options?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8739308
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:24 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

He took off for his High School girlfriend 2 weeks before our 45th Anniversary. The only thing he asked for from the house were his H.S. sports letters.

That is horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I was with my ex for 8 years, and had just told myself (and he had told me) that his blunted affect was just who he was in relationships. He was my knight in shining armor the first year and very affectionate then, but after the first couple of years, not very connected and it got worse over time. When I'd press him about it, he'd say the early period was "the honeymoon phase" and no one could sustain that, and he just was who he was, that it didn't mean anything. I tried to believe him. Major mistake. Over the next few years he cheated, gaslighted, devalued, and finally just left me. Not for OW, just because he wasn't invested and wanted to have the house to himself.

OP, what we're trying to share via our experience is that her not being there for you is a serious thing and not to be minimized. It's part of a trend that doesn't tend to get better, cheating or no cheating. You might wake up one day and she's left a note on her pillow saying she's done with the marriage. I recommend reaching out to her with intention now, to see if there is any chance that this situation might improve. If not, then you might want to consider other options besides staying with someone who isn't going to be there for you.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8739329
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 6:36 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

I agree with the other posters. I too gave my all. Trying to repair the marriage he damaged.

I was the only one working toward reconciling. He basically got away with cheating. And didn’t seem happy. Really?

I became resentful. Bitter. Hateful. I fell out of love. Apparently he didn’t love me.

Not all marriages survive after infidelity. Even with effort toward reconciling. One person can’t do all the work. Especially the one cheated on.

I personally think she could do a lot more.

It was painful to clearly see he wasn’t afraid of losing me In the end, I was thrown away. I hate that part.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:39 AM, Saturday, June 18th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4774   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8740795
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:52 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

When we initially court and date our partners, we often look past the quirks and idiosyncrasies....sometimes even 'admiring' them. It's a way of allowing our partner to have a questionably negative trait, and somehow viewing it as a positive. Or we can convince ourselves that these traits are temporary, and will go away at an arbitrary date.

It's 'amazing' how these traits can become major issues in a relationship. Or how our tolerance for them can be ground to near zero....especially after a betrayal. VC, I'll bet that while the affair may not bother you that much today, her poor behaviors that existed then are now forever tied to that very same event. The affair is the trigger to these poor behaviors, not because one necessarily caused the other, but because the affair shines a magnifying glass on those poor behaviors that existed before, during, and afterwards.

And isn't that what a cheater is supposed to address if they want to make wholesale changes, and be a safer partner? Aren't these poor traits usually some of the first things that need to be addressed, as they are often contributors to allowing oneself to make bad decision after bad decision.....infidelity related or not?

OP, what we're trying to share via our experience is that her not being there for you is a serious thing and not to be minimized. It's part of a trend that doesn't tend to get better, cheating or no cheating. You might wake up one day and she's left a note on her pillow saying she's done with the marriage. I recommend reaching out to her with intention now, to see if there is any chance that this situation might improve.

Exactly. It's the lack of communication that has helped drive a wedge in your relationship. If you are not direct with her now, you may miss the opportunity to break this cycle.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4049   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8740893
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