Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
Lost my job and wh is pissed

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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 1:26 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Elle, has your daughter witnessed any of these conflicts or have they ever happened somewhere where she could have overheard? Has she ever seen your WH support you in something? Has she ever witnessed him say he was proud of you? Exactly how many positive interactions is she witnessing vs neutral/negative ones between the two of you?

posts: 5065   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8691639
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:39 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I'll second this comment by JustSomeGuy:

(after looking at some of your earlier posts)

Yeah you're in the wrong. Wrong husband

.

and all the rest of the people posting have said pretty much the same thing -


FWIW - losing a job due to employer "dying off" or whatever - is NOT a fault of yours unless you were something like the CFO and pilfered the company dry.

Working towards your Masters Degree will open more doors for you so Go For It!

Not Just Friends

posts: 567   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8691680
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:33 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

My daughter has seen and overheard some less than positive talk from my husband and unfortunately myself. Last night for example. I will say that I always try and not engage or try and keep the conversation level and I don't often yell when we fight. I have learned a long time ago that when we fight, my husband will always win because he will say anything to sting. I know thats an issue but thats not even the point. So i recently got a job as a Disney travel agent. Its not a money maker but it can eventually grow in to something. For now its a fun thing to do on the side that will bring in a little bit of cash from time to time. Disney picked our little agency to sponsor on a social media training trip. All we need is to pay for rooms. Obviously im not bringing in a ton of money so i needed to discuss that and childcare with him. Its been a rough few days. It starts cordial and then goes south. We worked though it and agreed I should go. Well we were talking about it last night and it immediately turned in to a huge fight. How he never gets to do anything and that its been 4 years (3 in june) and I should be over it and if this is how its going to be we need to get a divorce. That he cant do it. That he does everything for everyone and no one cares. That all he does is give me money and I dont give him anything. This went on for probably an hour. Hes yelling. Telling me that he would be worried about the kids with me if we got divorced. Stuff he says like that just makes me so uncomfortable. I know he is just saying stuff to hurt me and that just bothers me on a whole other level. Then, in the middle of this, we get a text from our realtor that they found cloth wiring in the house so they are sending an electrician out to look. The house wouldnt be able to get sold until its fixed. Our friends husband is an engineer and he said its probably old and not live. I tired to tell WH that last night, but he walked in to the bedroom and as i said "hey, S-" and then he walked out and closed the door behind him. If it is, then im pissed it was missed on our home inspection when we bought it. So then hes pissed about that because it all circles back to us having to sell the house because i lost all my jobs. I havent slept. Im not hardly eating. Im drinking too much just to cope. Im a disaster.. When i talk to my mom about it she just excuses it away or tells me he helps more than my dad did. But my mom had a huge support system including a mother that worked at our school as kids so she could bring us home and watch us while my mom worked. She kept us very day over the summer and we spent the night with her all the time. I have no support system like that. I know her letting us move in is huge but we are helping her financially.I dont expect her to watch the kids all the time but it would be nice if we could get a date night every once in a while.
I feel like ive gone off topic. Sorry. At the end of the day my husband thinks his A should no longer be an issue for me. That i shouldnt be uncomfortable with him going out, even though where they usually want to go is the same place he used to "bump into" OW at. He doesnt see why thats an issue anymore because we had another kid since all this happened. I reminded him that we had 2 before it happened and I was pregnant and miscarried while he was cheating so why would another baby make me say "oh yea. We are good".He tells me "stop being YOU. Stop being yourself" when i get upset about things. Im exhausted. I know what needs to happen. Im just so tired, I dont think i even have the willpower to do anything about it. When we fight like that it lingers for so long and its so draining. Its hard not talking to someone thats supposed to be your best friend. But when things blow over and they are good, they are good. i know a marriage is measured by how you make it through the hard times and we get a giant F in it. Im trying to find work from home jobs that will bring in some consistent money but nothing is working out yet. He gave me shit last night and acted like i was so selfish for wanting to go back to school. He told me im a big girl with a bachelors degree and I should be able to find something. I reminded him that if i go back to work then we have an infant with special medical needs (low muscle tone) that would not be able to go into a class of kids his same age, and two other kids that would need after care from their school, one of which is autistc and cant just go anywhere. Then, over summer, they would need full time care. There are no jobs here that would pay me enough. He thinks since he got lucky and had a friends hubsand get him a great job making decent money, then i, a college graduate should have no problems. Im sorry for the long post. My mind is spinning right now.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 238   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8691826
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:27 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

Even without his A, this, right here:

He tells me "stop being YOU. Stop being yourself"


says he is a scumbag of the highest order and you should get out. It actually really reminds me of some asshole thing my POSWH would say to me when he's drunk.

(Congrats on the Disney thing tho! I'm a huge Disneyphile and would LOOOOOOVE being a travel agent!)

It's a bit of a parallel thing, too. I orchestrated a big trip to WDW last November (rescheduled from March covid shutdown). Our first big family trip that far away and first to WDW. I know WH isn't a huge fan of anything Disney, but he agreed to go and actually seemed excited by some aspects. Then, about 3 weeks before departure, after a really mellow, nice night of hanging out, he starts SCREAMING at me about how much he hates disney and he never wants to go on another trip, blah blah blah. I tell him, fine, YOU can pay for and plan the next trip (he's been "mostly retired" for most of our marriage ie he's a lazy, lazy man. I plan and finance every fun thing we've ever done as a family. If it was up to him, our vacations would be spent in our living room watching him drink beer.) Next day, "I was just drunk." Whatever fuckface. Me and the kids will have all the Disney fun without you. Enjoy the dadless pics for the rest of your life.

Sorry for the T/J. Again, even with infidelity, he sounds like someone you shouldn't be saddled with. Add the infidelity - run.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8691868
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:19 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I have learned a long time ago that when we fight, my husband will always win because he will say anything to sting....


Well we were talking about it last night and it immediately turned in to a huge fight. How he never gets to do anything and that its been 4 years (3 in june) and I should be over it and if this is how its going to be we need to get a divorce. That he cant do it....

This went on for probably an hour. Hes yelling. Telling me that he would be worried about the kids with me if we got divorced. Stuff he says like that just makes me so uncomfortable. I know he is just saying stuff to hurt me and that just bothers me on a whole other level.

At the end of the day my husband thinks his A should no longer be an issue for me. That i shouldnt be uncomfortable with him going out, even though where they usually want to go is the same place he used to "bump into" OW at....

I know what needs to happen. Im just so tired, I dont think i even have the willpower to do anything about it. When we fight like that it lingers for so long and its so draining

So this is what has been happening. I've tried to concentrate the pertinent parts.

Reread it again.

This is not ok. That's an understatement.

This is emotionally abusive.

The affair was emotionally abusive, but your WH is doubling down on the abuse by escalating arguments to yelling and intentionally saying mean and cutting things.

You say you're drained? Of course you are. You are being emotionally beaten down on a regular basis...but you won't feel less drained by continuing this cycle.

Hear that clearly: You will continue to be drained.
If nothing changes, you won't feel better.

You will only feel better by taking action.

You are at your mom's or moving their soon, yes?
This is a good time to change your situation. He should move out. Let you and the kids stay with your mom. Get your degree. Do it for you and for your kids.

This is not a healthy environment for you or your kids. They are seeing emotional abuse modeled on a regular basis. That is not what you want imprinted on them, not what you want them to see as "normal." Not what you want them to do to others or to accept as treatment by others.

Please choose you, and your kids, and a bumpy road for now...but with a brighter future ahead.

The bumpy road you are on doesn't have a brighter destination...just more of the same you're already experiencing.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 77   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8691881
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:03 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Forget the affair he’s just a jerk!

He is the worst kind of H - the kind that is only happy when things go his way snd he gets what he wants.

His demeaning you is unacceptable. Period!

His expecting "you should be over it" regarding the affair is insulting as well.

His raging about the Disney trip is just childish.

His excuse "he was drunk and didn’t mean it" when he says horrible things sounds like HE has a DRINKING Problem.

IMO you have enough to deal with. You don’t need a man who acts like a child. You need a partner who supports you - not tears you down over everything.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691891
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

The confusing part is that when things are good, they are good, great sometimes really great. The problem with that however, is that I am so used to it falling off a cliff at the drop of a hat. I have a hard time enjoying the good because all i can think about it when its going to tank. We havent spoke in almost 2 days. We have so much going on with the house now and its all on me. And of course Im also in the process of trying to find a school for our son so Im doing applications, financial aid etc. I just worry that Ill have no support. My mom is so wishy washy about him. Ive never really talked in detail about how unhappy I am. She thinks hes great regardless of what little tid bits I give her. Hes so good at acting the part of doting husband in public and I hate it. I want that at home too. An dont get me wrong, he does do it at times but i feel like im always skeptical of it that i cant enjoy it. I have no stability. For example, a few mornings ago he wanted to fool around. I didnt want to because we were already running late etc but I caved and gave him a handy. Well not even 10 minutes after, hes telling me to fuck off (or shut the fuck up..i cant remember but it was one of the two) about something. Why the hell does he not understand why i have issues with trust and intimacy when he pulls that kind of shit? Im tired of tying to make him understand because he wont listen to me. He kept saying the other night that the reason we stopped therapy was because the therapist told me I needed to start giving him more credit and i didnt want to. truth is, is that our credit cards were maxed out and we no longer had anyone to watch the kids so we could go. Also, she told me that i needed to put my feelings about the A in a box and whenever it started to pop up i needed to imagine that box and say "No" or "stop" and push it away. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I dont think thats how recovery works. But truthfully I just didnt have the money for it anymore and we both felt like we had the tools we needed. Sessions were repetitive and empty of progress. Its all on me. It always is. His happiness is completely wrapped up on me. And I dont want that burden.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 238   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8692000
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