beb252 thanks for the reply I will get there I promise but its such a f'kd up situation you could not make it up....
Ok, following the initial shock I started thinking about things more and started to question in my head what my wife was telling me, things between us were also getting worse, no arguing or anything like that but I sensed a coldness/indifference from her that was not a great place to be, I ended up drinking more and I guess trying to drown out how I was feeling.
Still we had so many years behind us, nothing going on right?
I decided to check on her honesty and placed a tracker in her car just to verify what she said she was doing was in fact true so I sat back and watched.
So couple of weeks go by and I noticed a strange pattern in that her movements were really odd she would go where she said she was going but then go and sit in random locations before she came home.
Also I would txt her to ask her where she was and she would say one location but she was clearly somewhere else. Never for long but enough that I started thinking 'why are you lying to me?'
Then on one occasion she said she was going shopping but her car was sat in a side road. I asked her about her day when she got home with some clothes etc and all seemed normal.
The next day I then did something I completely now regret.....I said to her we need to talk, we went out and I said tell me about your day yesterday - she did, recalled everything she had been doing and I basically said 'I know your lying to me your car wasn't in the place you said it was' Q the 'how would u know that etc' eventually I lost it and told her I had placed a tracker on her car and I know you've been lying to me. I then got the 'your wrong, stop controlling me, I knew you would do something like that so I decided to test you, my friend picked me up and we went shopping together - I did do what I said, you clearly don't trust me and I think we should separate'
So wow - I was like where did that come from?
Slow down a bit and talk to me....
She then proceeded to give me the whole ILYBINILWY bit, she's been deeply unhappy for years and if it hadn't been for COVID she would have left.
Obviously I was totally floored and started to scramble to save my marriage. I should also say at this point the tracker battery died and she started to hide her car key from me as she was concerned I would get another one and she couldn't stand being 'watched'
Also at the same time I started to look for 'how to save your marriage' type sites and looked and started reading forums on TAM - I read various stories from others and started thinking hold on a minute this happened, that happened.....surely she's not having an affair not my wife must be wrong - but the more I looked the more I started thinking this must be happening and somehow I missed it, I also got annoyed at myself for admitting the tracker was on the car.
Some of the advice on there focussed around changing yourself so I started to get fit, more active, drink less etc etc etc
Also I asked for more time and we could put whatever the issues were right - not to leave without giving it a chance - she agreed but I found out she was miles ahead of me, had talked to her parents about how unhappy she was, had talked to a lawyer etc etc
I was feeling totally defeated and just could not believe what I was hearing, but thought I will continue with my self improvements anyway as I was feeling loads better in myself and I honestly thought at this point she was going so I needed to prepare, I also spoke to a Lawyer about my options.
So one of the things I assumed was if anyone it would be John2 so I spoke to my good mate John1 and asked his advice. What he said made me wince - he just said speaking from experience himself if its time to go. Just go. Start again - don't bother trying to fix something if she wants out let her - that's what I did and I'm loads happier......everyone else I shared issues with gave great advice on how to save the marriage - I just thought to myself - well he is the only person I talk to who is divorced himself so I suppose he has a different perspective.
A couple of months go by I'm working from home now due to the pandemic spending more time with family and trying to be a good dad etc We're doing loads of stuff together as a family and eventually my wife said, you know what the new you is great - I want to work on us. This was slightly out of the blue but also great news to me as I couldn't bear the thought of splitting my family up, I loved her and my kids. I did remember though that I had to watch actions and this is where I started thinking - what's going on here nothing is changing she's still cold/indifferent even though she says she wants to work on 'us'. It was like she was stalling and waiting for something else.
I then decided I was a poor PI so I hired one...he was great, good suggestions, said do I really want to know etc but I said the not knowing was worse. He started on a plan to follow my wife discreetly and report back. So a couple of operations in and nothing - I'm thinking ok, that's good....then eventually one weekend morning he was watching her and she met John1 at a fairly secluded location - he said he couldn't get close but all they did was talk and walk - now keep in mind we were in lockdown so this should not have happened.
Learning from before I decided not to confront too early and suggested to my PI to keep going I did wonder if the meeting had been accidental but he said no definite meet at a specific time/place etc
At this point my mind is all over the place I did check in with the wife to ask her randomly when she last saw John1 and she was like 'oh, weeks ago' so I knew she was not telling me the truth about him.
Couple of weeks go by and they met a few more times - one incident involved her getting into John1s car and them driving to a secluded car park - my PI followed and said they were talking / arguing and nothing physical happened as they don't have enough time - his view was it looked like she was trying to get away from him. He certainly couldn't say for certain they were having an affair but of course he did say the obvious 'why doesn't she pick up the phone if she wants to talk' maybe they have had something at some point and she's trying to break it off.
So I am now convinced if anyone its got to be him, I decide I've seen enough and I will confront. To be honest my health was good but my sleeping at this point is shocking I've moved from desperate to save marriage to 'who is this person' I am living with...maybe it is time to move on - can't trust her anymore etc.
So DDAY1 approaches and I start with the whole 'when did you last see john1' - get the response weeks ago etc then I say 'ok I know your lying only the truth from now on or I divorce you myself' she's slightly nervous now, starting to moan about a few things and asking why I want to know, not your concern who I speak to - I am allowed friends etc
Still denying everything I present some evidence that I know they have met - er....ok yes I met him once....then I said you've met him more than once and I know what you have been up to.
Silence....then....he's helping me. He's been setting me up so I could divorce you, I didn't know who else to ask for help. I've met him a couple of times to sort out how I could manage on my own. No I don't want to be with him, he is helping me as a friend that's all. She also shared some things with me that I can't write here that made me believe her - she then said something about that was then its different now I want to be here with you - I know he wanted to be with me but I never wanted to be with him, I just used the fact he wanted to be with me so he would help me out with practical arrangements if I left you......led him to believe they had a future together if he helped her out.
I must admit at this point I was like 'sorry but men don't do anything like this for free' what has been going on really, you must have done something? She's then like 'You know how I am about my body, you are the only one who has seen me I promise you'.
She was adamant nothing physical other than 'holding hands' had happened......mmmm
She then said I totally changed my mind, recently its been great and I want to stay, work on us and really make a go of it. I totally regret lying to you about meeting him - the next couple of weeks were amazing - actions by the plenty if you know what I mean - she couldn't do enough for me, felt like we were newly wed etc
There is more to come.......