I am taking a break from the Holidays and have decided to do my reflective thinking on this page.
When he was with me, he was thinking of other women. He physically was with me but not emotionally.
I wasn't good enough for him to be loyal to me.
He would bring things up throughout our marriage like:
If my work jacket smells like perfume, she borrowed it because she was cold.
Do you think about your old boyfriend and miss him when you hear this song?
If you quit asking and talking about her, I will make her go away.
If you get into a car accident and die, I would like to date a tall blond, his words and was referring to one of his OW that he did have a longterm affair with and the one he was breaking up with me for.
His words-I love loose women.
His words-if she's going to show me, I'm going to look.
His words-there are women out there who are way more beautiful than you are.
Before he died, he told me that he wished that he never had sex with any other women besides me. I thought that it meant before we married (and the two times he confessed to), until I realized after his death that he was never faithful to me.
He told me before his death that he wanted to spend eternity with me.
He told me that if he died, that he was going to will all his money to me. And he did.
He told me that he loved me more than anything in the world. But not once had he ever told me the truth about who he was. I had all the right feelings about who he was but he kept me in the dark by gaslighting me, lying to me, manipulating me, controlling me, treating me like an object for the whole 34 years we were together. And to tell you the truth, I am very devastated. In a sense, he ruined my life... he did ruin us and he did ruin me. But he wasn't able to ruin my relationship with my son and daughter. We all are stronger than ever.
But there are those who are worried about me and my wellbeing. Family knows the truth. I told them.
As far as I was concerned, he would never get to ever reach into the depths of my soul ever again. I just couldn't and won't have it. My walls were and are forever up. And he knew this. And I'm sure this devastated him too. I was too emotionally and psychologically damaged to ever allow him the opportunity to have my love, trust or my heart again. He chose the other women over me and the love I had to offer. He chose them over me. And now I am grieving his death and the truth.
IMO, he wants me to forgive him, you know forgive and forget. I will eventually forgive him but won't forget how terribly he hurt me and yet I was faithful to him the whole 34 years. He dug deep to hurt me emotionally... seemed to enjoy it and get a high out of it. In his mind I was doing the same thing to him, or at least that is what he accused me of.
He abandoned me and the kid's for his chosen lifestyle. Not sure I can forgive that one.
He lied and lied and lied to me for his own selfish reasons... so that he could live free from his daily responsibilities to me and my kids. He financially took care of us though. I will give him that one.
He robbed me of many, many years of agency because I believed and had faith and trust in him. I ignored the red flags. Everyone was shocked when I told them about who he really was. He hid who he was so well.
Not going to lie, the pain of who he really was is overwhelming, too much for me really. But I will hold on for the right reasons. And nothing to do with him.
He made me a rich widow. I guess that is a good payoff! I guess. I will never have to worry about money again but my heart is so broken. I am so sad.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real. Who I thought and believed he was didn't add up. It wasn't real.
I thought he was loving, faithful, kind, generous (got all sorts of kiss ass gifts), a great husband. Trustworthy, my friend. LOYAL! When I had the first inkling of who he really was, I was repulsed by him. My sexual desires for him waned. I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore. From that day forward my intimacy was always forced, it used to flow so freely before my first realizations. At one point in our marriage, I was so in love with him. Thought the world of him. Thought that he was the best ever. I was so wrong.
At the time, I was blaming my past and having kid's that caused my sexual desires to drop off to almost non existent. But I finally put together that in that time, he contracted a STD from one of his loose women and I had no real clue what it was. OMG, my head was so fucking far stuck in the sand. I was in so much freakin denial but this incident was the beginning of change in my body. My body knew he was lying but my love for him and my heart didn't want to see the truth of who he was. But my heart also knew that he was lying. My heart would be forever closed off from him.
I just can't see going into eternity with him anymore now that I know the truth and I'm sure there is more that I don't know about. The more I come to the realization of the truth of who he was the more I can't go into eternity with him. He didn't love me enough to stay LOYAL to me. The hurt he has caused me makes me feel frozen, I can hardly move, I lie around a lot now. But it's okay because maybe this is healing.
While I was waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for him at home, being a good wife and mother, he was carrying on with his chosen lifestyle. Remember, he moved us far away from his work so he wouldn't have to come home on a nightly basis. Caused me to feel so lost.
This shit went on for years. And he kept his shitty behaviors up throughout our whole marriage until his death this year. He even found a way to flirt with the nurses despite the pain and agony he was in and dispite the pain and agony he created in me. He hurt my soul. He didn't care about me and that is why he did it... because he didn't care.
And all I could do was to put walls up because of the deep emotional pain that he was causing me, by seeing other women behind my back, flirting with and now I can add, visually undressing them. I couldn't feel whole and complete with him anymore and ever again, everything about me became so forced. My trust for him was zero. All I ever wanted was for him to love me and be faithful and loyal to me... I was and am so deserving of that.
It was him who caused these feelings in me but I blamed myself most times because I did think it was me that was causing the marital problems. But it was him.
I loved him but I pushed him away. Couldn't stand the drinking and who he really was. Couldn't stand that he didn't want us, his family to be near him because he loved it out where we lived. It was a vacation home to him because he came home every three to five day's. He told me that he needed to stay at his job do to needing overtime.
I got turned off, repulsed by him because today I find out I lost trust and faith in him way before I even admitted to it. I didn't believe in him/us anymore once my gut figured out what he was doing.
I didn't like him anymore. He wasn't who I wanted him to be. The truth is that he cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me into believing his lies, bought me, abandoned me and the kid's when he moved us far out and far away from his work.
He stole my love, emotions, belief in him & us. I lost my faith.... again when he was with me his thoughts were on other women. When we would go out, his thoughts were on other women and he would also flirt with them and now I can see it seems like he was visually undressing these women. His behaviors when we were out were so inappropriate. It fucked my brain up to the point I developed severe PTSD and I had to get on meds to help myself.
He was extremely jealous and accused me of being with other men. When I was younger and super fit and too nice as in just being potlitcally correct nice, he saw it differently.
My politeness was not a come on, flirty type of nice, it was just being polite and no thank you but I'm not interested. I'm married and I love my husband type of nice. My husband would get so angry when these men tried to talk to me... and extremely jealous. But I too was protective jealous over him only because he was my husband,, he was mine. He was supposed to be mine. And I trusted him.... but his jealousy stemmed from his infidelities... I can so go on.
He was emotionally and psychologically abusive, controlling, manipulative, objectified me, just didn't feel like things were right.
I loved him all alone along. Why?? I know that he is my kid's father but he hurt them also. He hurt all of us deeply.
And yes, he was nice to me too. His abuse I know stemmed from his deep jealous, insecurities, his unfaithfulness and I wouldn't doubt some type of personality disorder that was hidden by booze.
He could be very nice to me. When he was nice, he was nice but if he became jealous he would punish me by paying attention to other women.
He was an alcoholic. And as his alcoholism progressed he became emotionally abusive and mean to me.
I Need To Stop Saying That I Love Him.
I mean, we had some really great awesome times together. But did I need the abuse that went along with it? Why did he think it was okay to treat me so poorly? I don't get it.
Why couldn't he leave me if he didn't love me? Why did he need to stay?
I stayed because I felt needy and dependent and afraid and that is why I stayed. I also didn't want to break the family dynamics up. And I do believe staying paid off. I felt like I had no choice anyway, he would never let me go.
At one point I was planning to leave and I was getting stronger everyday. He was divorcing me probably to go after one of the OW but I guess that he couldn't follow through. We were already living apart and I was getting stronger everyday and happy! But we both fell back into our marital patterns again and no change from him. And he got to do what he wanted to do just because he felt like he deserved it and felt that he had the right to do what he wanted to do, he just forgot to tell me.
I don't understand why he just didn't divorce me like he had wanted to and then move on. Maybe she wasn't so great afterall, or she wanted more from him? Maybe she didn't like that he was still paying his families way. Lol
The deep emotional pain he caused to me!!
He took me places and bought me things to make "it" up to me. And he was nice to me. Famous last words for me too. He took care of me, he took me places, he bought me things... he made me coffee, we took walks and went to the gym together, we showered together, we watched TV shows together but honestly my feelings of love were gone a long time ago so showering with him became dull and boring because I believe that the connection between he and I was long gone between the two of us. He killed it.
We made long term plans together. Always talked about our future together. Bought me new cars. dog's, horses, he gave me a lifestyle. But for a long period of time he lived and kept a distance from me and the kid's. He stayed closer to his work in a room or in our travel trailer. And the kid's and I continued to live in practically non existence while he had access to everyday living at his fingertips for up to five days a week.
He would go to the gym and one of his OW would be there working out too while I was at home waiting and waiting for him to come home. And of course he always had good reasoning or an excuse as to why she was always there the same time as he was. And that he couldn't control what she did.
I was going into menopause and had begun to develop menopausal changes. He accused me of having an affair, in detail. He had me lying over the couch while the other man was f'ing me. This is what he told me that I was doing. Now I understand why my sexual desires were so suppressed. It is because I stopped trusting and loving him and I didn't appreciate the lies he was making up about me.
He told me before his death that he had hurt a lot of people. I guess since he knew that he was going to die, better make amends. I had no idea what he meant by this. This statement was just another one of his half truths he always managed to tell, no full disclosure. Never got the full truth out of him. But I was able to piece a good amount of truth together after his death and everything finally made sense.
Oh and he told me that he was being accused by his coworkers that he was having an affair. Well yes, he was having an affair. She was the one who followed him when he transferred job locations. She was the one who ended up working in the same office with. She was the one who kept wearing his jacket while at work and leaving the smell of perfume on it. I was just the last to know because I believed him and in him. I never thought that he was so capable of doing this to me.
Hard to wrap my head around all of this. I don't have any clue how I'm suppose to recover and heal from what he did to me.
[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:48 PM, December 25th (Friday)]