Newest Member: Chickenhawk

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, November 14th, 2019

Hey, comedians in here. Apparently I stumbled on a good joke. Go read Westway's thread. I have like 5 responses on how funny that was. It would be pretty easy to set it up.

Racist. Politically correct is stupid and more harmful.

It really ties to his current situation.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 2:05 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

posts: 595   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8468077
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Lost9420 ( new member #71999) posted at 11:26 PM on Thursday, November 14th, 2019

Wow looks like I got pointed to a fun crowd! I posted a question on another thread but it might be better received here.

Long story short, found out about my wife's affair about a month ago. She's decided she didn't want to reconcile and I'm still struggling with that.

As far as my question goes, I was reading about the mind movies and dealing with them, but wanted to know how you all dealt with those images during let's say, intimate moments (either with company or without). While I want to, I know it's way too soon for me to hook up or date anyone (wouldn't feel right yet and it's not fair to any women) so even though it's NNN, I fire up my computer. The issue I'm having and want to get over is that anything I'm attracted to reminds me of my wife which results in mind movies. Even when the women don't look like my wife, the activities remind me of things she told me or that I imagine happened. How do you guys deal with the mind movies (either solo or with a partner)? Thanks!

posts: 14   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2019
id 8468197
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Walloped ( member #48852) posted at 1:10 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

A bit of a dark side lover myself.

Me too. One of John Cafferty’s best.

Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor

posts: 1815   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2015   ·   location: New York
id 8468427
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 3:36 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

A bit of a dark side lover myself.

Agreed Walloped. One of Michael Pare's best roles as well. Even though I preferred the sax in Tender Years (I really thought it was the E-Street Band first time I heard it).

Happy Friday Menz!

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5788   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8468510
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 5:43 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

A bit of a dark side lover myself. What does the dark side look like to you, Incarnate?

I'm sorry I missed this yesterday.

To me, it looks like vindictive destruction. It looks like microaggressions and macroaggressions. It looks like sabotage. It looks like vindictively blocking her AP's phone numbers from being able to call our shared account. It looks like changing our phone plan to drop the amount of data so she can ONLY use WiFi, and taking the hit myself because fuck her. It looks like making sure every single penny is spent so she can do NOTHING extra. It looks like not caring if I lose, as long as she doesn't win. Devoting myself and my considerable ability to making her life as miserable as I can, which is REALLY miserable. It's being incredibly vicious and hurtful and cruel.

But I don't want to be that guy.

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8468580
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

How do you guys deal with the mind movies

You ever get a song stuck in your head? Musicians refer to them as "ear worms." Replace it with another song that you like.

In the same way when those mind movies begin, get your mind on something else, something that makes you feel better.

Of course it takes great discipline to do that but over time it gets easier to do. It sometimes seems like our brains are on automatic pilot but it doesn't have to be that way.

Btw my first D-Day was over 25 years ago and I still have to deal with mind movies from time to time when triggered. It's much easier to deal with now but in the first few months it was brutal.

All the best to you.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1115   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8468589
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:48 PM on Friday, November 15th, 2019

Another approach is to let the movie play out. If one way doesn't work, try the other....

*****

I want to brag a little and also commit myself.

I've always been overweight. I am or was 5' 7"/ In 2000, I weighed 252 right after Thanksgiving. I weighed 213 last Spring. Nowadays, I'm in the low 200s. That's less than I've weighed in 25+ years. Still going down.

My diet is nothing to write home about. Almond butter on bread (peanut allergy), yogurt (which I make) and granola, salami, sliced cheese, a normal dinner (meat and vegetables) every other day, occasional cookies and ice cream, occasional meals out. Vitamin supplements.

On bike rides, I often have some good pastry during a rest stop. It's too cold to ride now (at least for me), so I don;t pass my favorite bakery.

I don't feel deprived. I think I've been losing weight because of an insight I gained in therapy. I think I may actually have my over-eating problem licked, at least for now.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26163   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8468717
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 2:01 AM on Saturday, November 16th, 2019

that is awesome, Sisoon! Congratulations! I struggle with my weight myself.

I peaked at 322lbs in 2016, shortly after which I went into a tailspin dive of weight. Turns out my diabetes kicked in with a vengeance, and I was rapidly deteriorating from it. I got my diet under control, but not before I crashed to 255lbs. Once I got on meds and so on (only MetFormin, no insulin, thank the gods).

I gained back up to 292 just before DDay2, and immediately lost almost 40lbs. I'm back up to 268, but I'm actively working on my diet to bring it back down. I want to be at 250 by the time I move out. At 220-240, I'm at pretty close to peak health.

Here's to continued weight loss!

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8468763
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, November 19th, 2019

Alright. Quick morning update. I've been on track for my writing quite well. I'm almost 2 full days ahead of schedule. If I can figure out a way to knock out 4k words today, I should about be there. I'll need that lead time, what with Thanksgiving coming up, as well as starting my new job.

On the topic of starting a new job, today is my first day. It's a lot of training modules for today thru Friday, which I've done a lot in the past, but that's not a big deal. I've already verified that I am able to log in; today is all work from home. That'll be nice. I have a live virtual training from noon to 2:30, which will be... boring. But at least it lets me have an excuse to close and lock my door so i don't have to put up with the STBXW at all.

How's everyone else doing? We've been quiet here for a while.

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8469993
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:28 AM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Good update, Incarnate. Congratulations on being ahead of your target with your writing. I hope your boring virtual training went not too bad for you. I hated virtual training. Classroom or face to face training with interaction with others worked a lot better for me. But I'm getting old although I still have to check my birth certificate from time to time to avoid starting long term projects.

I'm doing pretty well, Incarnate. The draft separation agreement has been reviewed by my WW with her lawyer. There is basic agreement but, apparently, a couple of minor changes that are not substantive are noted. I haven't seen them yet. If I'm in agreement the final document will be drafted by my lawyer and will be in effect once signed by WW and I.

The document indicates that the ranch partnership will end on December 31, 2019 which is the fiscal year end. There are real property exchanges that need to be done. The property was in joint tenancy which was appropriate for a life long marriage. The property needs to be legally changed into individual names for each legal title.

So things are moving along now, hopefully. As I said, I haven't seen these minor changes. I must acknowledge that my WW indicated that she was going to leave me any of the RRSP (401K type product) still available should she predecease me. It's unlikely she will predecease me given she is female and 6 years younger than me. A generous offer nonetheless.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4679   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8470304
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 6:42 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Well, the first day of virtual training was... boring. I got it done, but meh. It was a slog.

Today is the first day in store, and guess who opened by themselves? Yeah, the guy with no fucking logins.

Standing at the kiosk is a lot more depressing than I thought it would be. After over 2 years of working for myself, this is...

Well, this fucking sucks. I'm miserable. I hope I get used to it fast.

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8470669
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somejaykid ( member #68835) posted at 12:11 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2019

long time lurker, I posted my story a long time ago now I'm dealing with my divorce, how is everybody doing today?

posts: 95   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2018
id 8472679
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 1:32 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2019

long time lurker, I posted my story a long time ago now I'm dealing with my divorce, how is everybody doing today?

Fine. Wife is out of town for Thanksgiving. Which is a bummer, but I'm heading to the coast for Thanksgiving and plan on making a mean feast. Also, about to shower and get ready for pt (had a knee replaced 8 weeks ago) and then to work.

My divorce (my xww) was very sad. I mean it was short and sweet, but still it felt like death to me. All I can say is to hang in there and seek out things that make you happier.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8472711
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somejaykid ( member #68835) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2019

yeah for sure, I have my first hearing with the judge next month and not going to lie here I am uneasy about it, just going to the court give's me sweat

posts: 95   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2018
id 8472717
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 8:33 PM on Friday, November 29th, 2019

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was as pleasant as possible. Mine happened to fall on antiversary #9 of d-day 1. Good times. It didn't really affect me, other than remembering the date, remembering the day, and realizing that the date this year was much better than that same date nine years ago. Consumed a lot of good food and spend quality time with family. It was good.

Hope you gents are doing well!

posts: 31092   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 8474810
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 11:56 PM on Friday, November 29th, 2019

I'm doing okay, all things considered, Losfer. Put up a post in Divorced/Separated. Today is the 5th anniversary of DDay 1. Felt a little reminiscent this morning, so I let myself just write for a bit in the text box, and it turned out longer than I meant.

Got called in to work today, even though I wasn't supposed to come in. Worked for three hours then the rush slowed down and we had 5 people there with only 3 computers to use, so I told my boss I was out. I have a fantastic relationship with him. Of the five people working there, I have the most experience, even though I took over two years off. I can more or less tell him, "I'm doing this," and he's good with it. I never abuse that privilege, and I generally show up when extra help is needed and do what needs to be done. I earn my status.

Went ahead and put on some really nice clothes today, just to feel better about myself. It was nice to walk in to work wearing what amounted to a suit and see the reactions of the people who knew me, the look of surprise and reassessment, like "Damn, homeboy cleans up good!" Freshly shaven head, groomed beard, jet black shirt with pearlescent white buttons, a dark navy jacket, and slacks over polished black leather shoes. It really popped. I like looking good, even if I can't afford it as often as I'd like.

Got home to my first paycheck in the mail, so I used it to start my own bank account that the ex can't touch. Moved all of my direct deposits from writing and jewelry over to it, so that's done. Gonna set it up as my payment account for a bunch of my personal cards so that I can slip silently into financial independence, which will be nice.

Had some friends over to my space last night, and it was fantastic to see them, but one of them, a younger fellow, was righteously furious with my ex over what she did, and he drank... more than a little. Had to do damage control to keep him from ripping into her in front of her company and my kids. While she might deserve it, my kids don't. That was enough to keep him in line; he isn't hugely fond of kids in general, but he loves me to death and knows that they are my entire reason for existence.

I'm at 99927 words for NaNoWriMo. I'm 5073 away from my goal of 105k. I'm going to start kicking the SHIT out of that last bit. I don't think I'll be able to write tomorrow, so I need to finish it today.

I'm gonna get to it. Happy belated Thanksgiving, y'all.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 6:00 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8474887
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Walloped ( member #48852) posted at 2:49 PM on Sunday, December 1st, 2019

Hope everyone is having an excellent Thanksgiving weekend so far. You too Losfer. And that you celebrated / are enjoying in whatever way works best for you. I’ve got some errands to do today, but then I’m gonna watch my Giants lose to the Packers.

I’m thankful that they’ll be one step closer to landing Chase Young in the draft.

See? Always look on the bright side of life.

And if that reference didn’t get you to smile, I don’t know what will.

Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor

posts: 1815   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2015   ·   location: New York
id 8475465
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wincing_at_light ( member #14393) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, December 1st, 2019

In case you missed it:

1. Still alive.

2. Found a house. Bought it.

3. Still divorced. Finding it's a better fit than I could have ever hoped.

You can't beat the Axis if you get VD

posts: 7084   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2007   ·   location: Indiana
id 8475568
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Incarnate ( member #46085) posted at 4:41 PM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019

Saw this just a minute ago and it struck a little close to home. I can't share it publicly without starting a huge bundle of shit. So here, guys, angry laugh with me.

Me: BH
She: EW
Divorce in progress
DD1: 11/29/14
DD2: 8/14/19

What a wicked game we play.

posts: 768   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2014   ·   location: Northern California
id 8475926
frustrated

somejaykid ( member #68835) posted at 5:31 PM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019

^^^^that's some bullshit right there lol

posts: 95   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2018
id 8475956
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