I am so sorry Does. Thats interesting that you feel good. Like do you feel good that it happened or that you handled it well? Im confused.
Thanks to everyone who answered my 3-5 year question. It confirmed my suspicions.
I would like your thoughts on this. I dont understand this behavior. Heres the story. A couple of nights ago our 6 and 9 year old boys were being difficult to get to bed. They were running around fighting instead of going to bed. I was in the shower. Sawh was trying to get the 2 year old daughter to go to sleep but she was crying and totally losing her shit because it was too loud in the house and sawh was losing his patience fast. I got out of the shower and he is yelling at the boys for fighting, being being loud, etc. He told them that if they didnt stop fighting he was going to take turns holding each one down and let the other go to town. He also informed them he ought to "fucking whip their asses". I stood there to make sure it didnt get fuether out of hand. We went to our bedroom and I got dressed. Sawh could tell i was upset because i wasnt really talling and he asked about it. I told him that his language was out of line and abusive. Our conversation qas as follows more or less:
Me:" you can just say i am going to give you a spanking, saying i am going to fucking whip your asses is abusive. I cant belive you told them you would hold them down and let the other one hit them as much as they wanted.
Sawh:" well yeah i would" (he said he would do it but i cant remember the exact sentence he said)
Me:" *calmly* if you ever do that i will call the police on you."
Sawh:" *explodes* HOW DARE YOU! I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT. THE KIDS WOULD GET TAKEN AWAY!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH"
ME:" *calmly* no, they would take you away."
Sawh:" well i would never really do that."
Me:"you just said that you would."
Sawh:"i only said that after you said you would call the police because i was mad. (No, he said it before which is why i told him I would call if he did that.)
The conversation was pretty much over at that point. I went to talk to the boys, tried to calm then down. The older of the two was very upset about dads language about whipping them and i agreed that dad was wrong, blah blah, validated kids while still letting them know their behavior was out of line also but sayung it was a not an excuse for dads behavior blah blah.
We went to bed. Sawh didnt say a word to me. He acted like he was asleep. Fine. I spent a little time on my phone like usual. When i turned it off and started to get comfortable, he goes "dont you want to give me a kiss" being all nice. I give in because i do not have time for another argument. And he says "you know sometimes you could initiate the good night kiss too. It doesnt always have to be me." Then, he says we need to get the two ywar old sleeping in her crib again so we can snuggle.
So let me get this straight, you want to verbally abuse the kids, threaten to make them abuse the eachother, yell at me for informing you i will protect them, and then complain that i dont want to kiss you and we cant snuggle? Is he delusional?
What planet is he living on exactly??? To be clear. This is how he was raised, abuse etc. So he learned all he knows about parenting from parents who were a hundred times worse than he is.
The next day i got all four boys together, told the older two about what had happened and told all of them that if sawh ever tried to do that to not participate. Fighting isnt ok and hitting eachother isnt ok but it really isnt ok when the other person cannot defend themselves. They all agreed.
This is why i dont want to divorce until they are older. I should have said something right when i got out of the shower. I am kicking myself now.
Oh, heres another thing that happened. This is already long so i will give you the cliff notes. We got a new counselor. She is big into forgiveness and started pushing me to forgive him and i informed both of then that i am not interested in exploring any such thing and will not discuss it. So sawh cancelled the marriage counseling. That he said was our last chance before divorce. Because we dont have sex. Because he isnt doing recovery work. But the problem is that I will not give forgiveness. OK.