All that, to say this. It wasn’t just lying that got you laid. Give women more credit than that and while you’re at it, give yourself more credit as well. The lies and deceit may play a role, but under that, is something authentic in your personality, good or bad. Without it, the deceit would quickly fade.
I certainly don't think it was my "real personality" that was getting me laid. The only thing that was real about me when at that stage in my life when dealing with woman were my looks. Those were "authentic" and certainly helped me at the time. But, I can tell you, there was a distinct point in my life (after winter break, freshman year in college) where yes, I threw a switch and went "full asshole". And the results were inarguable, I didn't change anything about my look, my body, or anything other than the lens which I approached women. I read books on it and internalized the messages, the lines, the techniques, and I put them into action. And it worked shockingly well, I went from having 2 partners to that point to, by the end of the year, ~12 months later, probably closer to 20.
Just thinking out loud here, but what are the chances that your wife was the typical woman you looked for in asshole mode? What are the chances that some of the behaviours from asshole mode carried over into the early stages of dating your wife? I’m not talking about the most obvious and deceitful manipulations, but the subtle nuances of actual personality required to make any deceit believable in the first place.
I didn't much have a "type", more so "available" and interested. I just pretty quickly fell hard for her, but, you're right, I was still in "asshole mode" when I met her and some of those behaviors totally carried over into the beginning of our relationship. But, I actually distinctly remember times in our early relationship when we'd have a discussion and I'd think "OK, this is the "right" (asshole) answer, but the real answer is this, and I'll tell her the real answer". And that's how I dropped the cloak, by slowly, more and more, giving the "real" vs the "right" answer to her questions and in our discussions.
If you think about it, what did you and her AP have in common?
Far, far too much. He just stayed in "asshole mode". I recognized some of the lines he used, seriously, from things I'd read years ago. I know he was playing the same role that I was when I met her. And, maybe there's something to that, she's attracted to "that guy", but, problem is, that guy isn't even a little bit sustainable. The way that whole "game" works is by scarcity mentality. A game that you cannot use when you're married, because, well, it's not like "OK, fine, you don't want to go out with me tonight, I'll go out with someone else". And the AP played that thread masterfully; my W is home, so I can only meet you in the parking lot, going to make it worth it?
But your right, and perhaps what you're trying to say, my wife is attracted to assholes. I'm not sure I have a leg on to argue against that, but, if true, that's honestly her problem. Am I willing to up the "edge", sure. But this is kind of like a WH who is really just attracted to sleeping with lots of women, it's hard to figure out how to incorporate that into the bounds of marriage. Part of marriage is removal of the "scarcity" for both spouses and also removal for sex anyone but your spouse.
Attraction is a fucked up thing, and it never seems to change all that much, for anyone.
That's both terrifying and seems true and reasonable.