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Newest Member: Nbbb

Reconciliation :
Beyond regret and remorse

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BeatDaOdds ( new member #79828) posted at 6:47 PM on Monday, January 24th, 2022

This was a REALLY good read. Really helps to understand what my BS may have been/currently is dealing with.

I must admit that like most WH, the first thought is that she'll get over it. In my case, I believed that she would because I still wanted to stay in the marriage. Yeah, that's definitely far from true.

I dealt with many of the things described in the post: mood swings (bouts of crying, anger), random questions about the OW, etc. While I at first use to try to move her past that, I realized that was her way of healing and coping all at the same time.

I realized that she was/is looking for me to show that I love her more than I love the OW and the secrecy and lies. I have been selfish for too long. Being selfless is the key.

Me: WH (47)
Her: BS (46)
M 25 years
3 Children
2 A - 2010 & 2020
Reconciled and taking it day by day

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2022   ·   location: NY
id 8711585
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TheWorldYouWant ( member #78447) posted at 8:56 PM on Saturday, March 19th, 2022

Love this article. By this definition, my WS has never once been "contrite." He's remorseful but has taken no actions that would line up with contrition.

In contrast, I have a great example of someone being contrite in a relationship with me. My mom was an alcoholic. She started going to AA and sobered up when I was in college, but our relationship was still not great and later she blew it all up when I was 29 by standing on my doorstep and screaming at me about what a "bitch" I was. (She was very upset about stuff in her OWN life and took it out on me, which is a pattern from my childhood with her--she was emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive.)

We were then estranged for a few years. But I didn't stop her from having a relationship with my kids, if she wanted to do that. So she poured herself into having a great relationship with them. It softened my heart toward her (quickest way to a mom's heart is by treating her kids well!). Later she asked me to give her singing lessons, which she paid for (and I really needed the money at the time!), and we started spending time together each week on Sundays doing that, and visiting over a cup of coffee. We grew closer and I was really grateful for our new relationship.

At some point she revealed to me that this was all due to her AA Step 8 & 9 work: "8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." She made her amends to me at first by loving on my kids, because she knew I didn't trust her or want a relationship with her at that point. Later she was able to make direct amends to me by loving on me in ways that I enjoyed and were helpful to me. She was not naturally a patient person but this process must have taken a lot of patience and hope.

And that's what contrition looks like. So I know what it is, and what it is not. Unfortunately, my WH is not contrite. But I'm so thankful that my mom was and that before she died we had a restored relationship. She loved me and I have the proof of that. I will ALWAYS have that now.

The day before she died, we were gathered around her death bed in her home. It was a Sunday. She was not fully conscious anymore and hadn't eaten or drunk anything for days. I said to my mom, "Hey Mom, it's a beautiful Sunday morning, and I'm having coffee here with you." And she spoke her last words then, in response to me: "Just a little bit."

That's what contrition creates.

posts: 105   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021
id 8724349
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AintGonnaLose ( member #72530) posted at 5:42 AM on Sunday, January 1st, 2023

Thank you for this 1,000 times. I’ve had a sense of this since d-day. My WH has had regrets, but little remorse and no contrition.

I think he’s more than just sorry he got caught or sorry he has to deal with the fall out (because he certainly hasn’t wanted to do that). I believe he does regret his actions as wrong. I think he wishes he hadn’t done them at all. But I think his regrets are 100% for himself and his shame, aka embarrassment. It’s more about his ego than anything, and as a result, I’ve been consistently punished and made a villain for discovering what he didn’t want known. He can’t stand the idea of looking bad. Now his motivator to not cheat is to make sure he doesn’t look bad again.

I also think he’s deeply afraid of contrition. That’s why he still has to make me the "vindictive and unforgiving" person in his mind. It’s easier than dealing with the suffering he caused.

BW 39
WH 45
D-day 1/20/2017
6-7 years of emotional disloyalty, 3 years of SA online behavior and A seeking. So far we suck at R.

—I consider it a challenge before the whole human race

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2020
id 8771689
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Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 8:27 PM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

This is excellent!

Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's

Mr Uxor, WH, 50's

DDay Summer 2013

Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.

I was here before - read about it in my story.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2023   ·   location: here
id 8794184
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5Decades ( member #83504) posted at 5:47 PM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

On the topic of contrition:

My MIL was openly hateful of me for the first 26 years of my marriage to her son. She believed that I married him "for his money" because I was raised in poverty, and he came from a middle class background.

The entire time we were married, we basically had no money. I put him through college, and then he and I both worked to put me through college. We made it paycheck to paycheck. He had no "money" when I married him, and we didn’t even buy our first home until we had been married 17 years.

Around our 26th anniversary, she was screaming at me (yet again) about what a gold digger I was. This was a thing with her when she got drunk. She screeched that I was only after him for his money, and I finally said, "Well, it’s been 26 years, and if he doesn’t cough it up soon I’m gonna leave him." She froze, and then started laughing. After that she started a slow thaw towards me.

Then her husband had a major accident, and I helped care for him. He passed away. Just two years later, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I took care of her.

A few days before she passed, she said she had something important to say. She began to cry, and said, "40 years ago, if someone had told me I would have ended up loving you the way I do now, I would have told them they were lying. But I love you more than you can ever know, and I am so sorry for all the years I wasted being so cruel. I need you to know that."

We spent some moments holding each other, knowing forgiveness and love.

True contrition is felt deeply.

5DecadesBW 67WH 72Married since 1975

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8803694
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 5:24 PM on Sunday, January 21st, 2024

..this post should be 'REQUIRED READING' by every member on this site!!!

My WW and I have been here since 2009...and I just read the post. Had no idea what contrition even meant, lucky if I could even spell the word!! Thanks for cluing me in on this word... and all it means within the context of betrayal.

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 76 Her 72 Married 51 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumour!

posts: 6045   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8822000
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standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 12:24 AM on Monday, March 11th, 2024

"Well, it’s been 26 years, and if he doesn’t cough it up soon I’m gonna leave him."

That is funny! Despite my current doldrums, it made me chuckle.

FBH - Me - Betrayal in late 30's (now much older)
FWS - Her - Affair in late 30's (now much older )
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled BUT!

posts: 1631   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8828268
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BreakTheChain ( new member #84471) posted at 12:21 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2024

Superb reading!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2024
id 8833065
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:12 AM on Saturday, April 13th, 2024

Bump

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3425   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8833418
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