Supresse - your story about the bus incident pretty much only brings to mind many questions, to which you will likely never have an answer (this is with taking what you wrote here all by itself, as I do not know the background on dear old dad):
- Did the driver actually speak with both you wh and his dad and make the offer to bring wh home early and dad either forgot, honestly, or never expected wh to take the driver up on it (maybe thinking all along it was not appropriate to accept), or is this just how wh wants to remember it, and he actually convinced the driver to do it that day, for his birthday, though no offer had previously been made? Maybe then, to cover himself with dad, wh made up the story about an offer being made, and now maybe doesn't even remember he had made that part up? Or, maybe the driver did make the offer to wh, but never actually did to dad, but wh remembers it that way, for whatever reason, but this is part of why dad reacted the way he did?
- Was it honestly dad's thinking wh inconvenienced the bus driver, either because the offer was never made, never made with dad there, or forgotten by dad, or maybe that dad felt it was not an offer one should ever accept? (Maybe dad felt the offer was improper to make in the first place, but never told wh that.... In this case, dad would want to make it clear son should not do it again, but sometimes people hint at such matters and never make a clear boundary about behavior expected, even with children.) Is it possible dad had told son not to ever ask the driver to go through with the offer, not to ever inconvenience the driver that way, and, because son did, dad was appropriately fussing at son for not following his directions? (Kids don't get a pass on bad behavior just because it is their birthday....)
- Is it true dad's only complaint to wh was the bus driver was inconvenienced, or is that just how wh remembers it when dad actually also fussed at wh for something else about it as well?
- Is it possible dad was actually annoyed with the bus driver, as maybe it was a violation of the rules to alter the route, or maybe dad felt driver should have gotten word from the parents before delivering a child home to a potentially empty house due to being an hour early, and, yet, as the driver was not there, took it out on wh? (This is not right, but is something a great deal number of people do.)
- Is it possible dad ranted about the driver delivering wh home early unexpectedly, to vent off steam, but not actually fussing at wh, but, being a child, wh took it personally?
- Is it possible dad had some plans on either something for wh, special for his birthday, or otherwise, to get done before wh got home, and the early arrival kept dad from doing them? Maybe dad had something special in mind for wh, something planned for a while and looked forward to doing it, but now would not be able to do it, which highly frustrated dad....wouldn't make his fussing at the child appropriate, but might explain it a bit.
I doubt that helped you any, or maybe it did. I deal with a probable BPD, maybe ASPD in MOW and a possible BPD and NPD in xwh, with none of it diagnosed, and I have learned the only way to get to truth, maybe, is by asking all kinds of in depth questions. (The technique also helps whenever you are hearing from only one side, usually the side that feels wronged, and wish to do what you can to stay neutral and give the other side the benefit of the doubt, recognizing you are only hearing from one side.)
I also caution you from believing too easily what is said by wh without any proof or confession of the wrong-doers, if you are certain wh has a PD, even if, and maybe especially if, told to a therapist. (Doesn't apply if no PD is involved.) Too many PD's are experts at lying and think nothing of ruining another's reputation/image or even life, if doing so will get what the PD wants. There are PDs that would cry rape after a consensual act, because the PD doesn't want anyone to know he/she is that kind of person to, say, have a ONS, or to cheat on a mate; my IC told of deliberately not locking his office door when in session with a known BPD, in particular, and had the office staff purposely interrupting at times, to thwart any possible accusations of inappropriate behavior on his part with the BPD, which he stated could be triggered in the BPD simply because of a misinterpreted look, and not even any contact at all (and he makes no contact anyway...).... Often, the PD actually believes this false accusation to be true, as the PD adjusts his/her feelings to the false accusation in order to convey it to his/her listeners, which, because this PD relies on feelings to present reality instead of facts, now believes the new feelings (the ones based on a false accusation the PD made) as truth and reality.... (See two paragraphs down to somewhat further explain this, though this particular scenario takes it a step further into a PD's tendency to circular, or spiral, thought patterns.....)
There are PDs who simply make it a game to get one over on another, and especially therapists. It becomes "fun" to the PD to see how extreme a story they can conjure before the therapist finally calls BS on it.... It becomes "fun" to see how much sympathy the PD can garner, or how long the PD can get another to stay with them and put up with their crap. They can be very convincing, too, as they play these games.
Also, many PDs see things through feelings, not facts, and that becomes their reality, their "truth"....so, if I use your story of the bus incident above, an example would be that dad ranted about the bus driver not being responsible and dropping off son so early with no communication with dad to be sure a parent would be there, maybe even said something about inconveniencing the parents, potentially, and son felt he was actually being fussed at instead, even switching the part of who was inconvenienced to the driver instead of being the parents, so that became the story, the "truth" son lived forever and then related to you recently - reality is the dad fussed about the driver's actions, but son's reality, born through feelings, is that son was fussed at....Not saying that is what truly happened there, just coming up with an example of how a PD might use feelings to determine reality for the PD. Another example would be that the PD usually did some task for someone; that someone found another way to get the task done that maybe was even more efficient and/or convenient than having the PD do it, and the PD, as it feels that way to the PD, probably due to abandonment issues or maybe it is a blow to self-esteem somehow, decides the someone had an argument with the PD over it and took the task from the PD in anger..... The fight never happened, and the someone was not ever angry, but the PD sees it that way, due to using feelings to determine facts, instead of the other way around, and that becomes the PD's reality....
Back to your post, honestly, and maybe it's just worded wrong, but, the statement your wh is using of "his wishes were thwarted in childhood" being the basis of him having issues now just seems like more of his issues showing - it sounds incredibly immature. Childhood is not a time for all your wishes to be granted, and, in fact, it is prime time to learn that life is not a fairy tale in which all wishes are granted as desired, but that many times, they will indeed be thwarted, and how to handle that appropriately. An emotionally mature adult would be able to look back on childhood and recognize these things. Sorry if that comes across as rough, but, if your wh's parents did not teach him life is not fair and how to adjust, that is where they did the disservice, not in not giving him everything he wanted, which is the way this from him comes across here on the forum. (Sorry if not reading it right and/or misunderstanding....)
That above story you related about the driver dropping wh off early is only one event, so there is nothing here to present a pattern for dad, or mom, as to what may have been a catalyst for wh's issues, though you gave a generalized list that shows you have much more to point to than presented here, and those noted items would definitely create problems for a person. You also told of dad going in a bar for a drink while son sat in the car and then making son keep secrets from mom - this I think most definitely did damage, particularly as it seems it was done multiple times, and became, then, to wh, "the norm" for how one should behave, and, as you discerned, likely translated into being used by wh as the basis for other purposes of being sneaky and hiding things from your spouse and believing it to be "the norm" and, thus, ok somehow.
Wow.... that was long.... sorry....but maybe there is something in there you can use....