Assumptions are so dangerous, I hate them, but what else can you do when you don't have full trust in someone?
My A was such a huge deal for him but his own A pretty much never happened in that he never had any repercussions because we weren't going to stay together anyway. I know I put us down this path but it just sucks that he never had to go through the guilt and shame I had as a WS.
Oh I know the feeling! I stick up for my BS to a certain extent because we had seperated at the time she met others (and I caused this), but it still hurts hugely.
I empathise about how you feel when your husband took his iphone and ipad up with him early. That never looks good unfortunately. (but on the other hand it could be absolutely nothing - again, assumptions are horrid.) Anytime I'm around at my BS's, I leave my phone within easy reach if she wanted to check my phone as there's nothing to find. Mind, I did notice when we were out again yesterday that her phone was very visible and she always told me who she was texting - this is the first time I've seen her phone so visible in a while; I wondered if she was trying to show me some trust, which I appreciated although I never told her.
Its good that you took your children out of town to keep your mind of your husband. I did that the other weekend, and it does help to keep your mind busy, but I missed my BS alot.
You mention that he's proving to be quite the liar lately - thats not great and will only add to your own anxiety. Unless he can be honest, there's no way you could ever go back, although I get the impression that you are more steering towards getting used to being apart now, but nonetheless its still hard, and painful. "downloading free texting apps onto his phone" - how frustrating for you. This ties in a bit with what I read on other posts about the BS wanting to punish us WS's for what we've done, and that is what he is likely to be doing. Subconsiously hurting you, and knowing that it will wind you up, particularly given that your own A was a big deal to him.
Staying friends is tricky, especially when other partners are involved and you still have feelings. I don't think I can do it. I'm trying now, but thats made easier because there's nothing visible in terms of someone else. Fast forward a few months and if there was someone serious, then I don't think I could get on how we do now. How would the other partner feel if they knew my BS was still going around with their xWS. It would only end up more bitter, and even worse if they started living in what I still regard as my own house (which I appreciate is still a long way off.)
Try to keep an open mind about everything. You just never know, if your BS could come around and be more honest, and wanting something more from you, you might be able to R. It would require a great deal of IC and MC to get there given that you feel hurt over what he did too. I think its a good sign that your BS isn't in a huge rush to move out, or maybe he's just being a bit lazy?
I never really thought about how all of this (staying friends) might mess with our childrens heads. My son often asks for sleep overs and it breaks my heart that I can't (and I hate living away from the house and staying at my parents.) I want to be over at the house all the time but I'm trying my best to respect my BS's boundaries.
I enjoyed last night because we all went for tea together, and whilst my BS was out for a few hours at a class, I was able to sort my children out for bed. We had a lot of fun, and its a rarity these days to be in the house on my own with my BS not around (but equally, it showed that my BS could trust me not to snoop in her cupboards - and I didn't.) But then today has been tough, as 'some' my BS's texts once again came across as being somewhat colder. I got the impression she was either hurting (and so didn't feel comfortable being in touch) or she was trying to keep me out of the way because there was someone else in touch / around / wanting to move on with them. However, the positive part is that she's going to see an IC next week and clearly took the initiative to do that this morning; I have a lot of respect for my BS doing this, because it won't be easy seeing someone face to face to talk about what she's been through and is going through. She has even been making a huge effort to tidy the house and spend time with me, so its not all bad, but I still sit and wonder what this date person is all about (and if the cleaning of the house is for their benefit) - how serious are they, is he going to fizzle out, is she out on a date tonight or at the weekend? Its awful, I really hate being here.
She wants me to rip off the bandaid and go from being a friend to him to a just a coparent.
I think if he can't be trusted then you will have to do that, and I'm going to do the same if I think that we aren't going to go anywhere. I don't give up a fight easily though. I read on the site that you need to give your BS at least a year and more before making a final decision, even if they keep telling you no, simply because the pain that they feel is significant and won't go away overnight - thats a tough one because you will be the same as me, you just can't take this limbo any longer, and want to feel happy again. This is all a battle but I'm sure before long we'll both come out ok!
I honestly don't know what's going on in my husbands head. I really think he's totally checked out of the marriage and really has just friend-zoned me. And I guess I've friend-zoned him but honestly there are still feelings there.
You are so similar in how you feel, its like looking in a mirror. I still think there's some feelings there for me from my BS, but boy, she not tell me at all, which makes it all the more harder. It seems that her defence system is always down, and who can blame her really. In order to R there has to be very good communications, and they just aren't there at the moment like you. Maybe we are both just afraid of saying things incase they are taken the wrong way (and the same for your husband)
There's times when I don't see the woman I fell in love with (the colder aspect of her responses) so again, I understand where you are coming from, but then there's times I really do see who I truly love.
At least you get hugs though, thats definitely positive. We never hugs, and we never get physical in that respect. To me, he just seems confused with what he wants and he may start coming around. I'd give anything for a hug from her right now, nevermind holding my hand.
Hang in there for a little bit longer and see where it gets to, but ultimately you do deserve to have someone who makes you happy, and if he's not able to give you that then you'll have to move on.
I hope you have a few more highs and lows. It does help though when you have an idea that things may end up a mess and plan for that (something that I've never really got a good grip of)
For now I'm trying to keep myself busy. I don't have any plans until church on Sunday and this is going to be hard, harder than other weeks, especially now the texts have started to drop off. At some point I will have to consider stepping off the roller coaster because I just can't keep carrying on like this, certainly not for another 5 months. I'll only end up off a cliff!