Thanks very much for your helpful comments, and for listening.
Sorry to hear that there is no chance at R for you both. You are certainly in a similar place to me really.
Today I was looking after the children whilst she took a driving lesson, and before she went out she had made it clear that I couldn't stay around at the house tonight, but she wouldn't say why. So of course this sent my brain into overdrive (only because it always seems to be Wed's that she's not comfortable to be at the house.)
Anyway, when she got back to the house and I were there (this time there were no issues being in the house on my own.), I pushed her buttons again a bit about coming around and wanting to know why I couldn't given I needed to set something up to be able to work from her / our house on Friday. I think it was more an issue from her perspective about me wanting to have control, rather than respecting her space, which ties in with your point about "giving her some space and time".
This unfortunately led on to talk about the separation (which wasn't easy when there was our two under 4's making a right noise with their toys! at the same time!), and she was fairly clear on not wanting to progress with any R and instead now wants to talk to a Family Mediator about the financials, childcare etc. I tried my level best to show remorse, how I was changing, but she just kept going back to the fact that I cheated on a number of occasions, and this time she wouldn't forgive.
She's convinced that I met someone in person, and accused my drive up to see a friend as being when I popped into a town on the way to meet this person I messaged (who I have had NC with since May.) even though I can show my exact route on my phone app. I even provided a screenshot of the route the same day.
The only counselling she is getting is CBT, and with never having CBT I'm unsure of the limitations of that for her. As you say, there's many struggles that she needs to deal with with aren't my fault. It feels like I'm hitting my head off a brick wall when trying to help with this. She even stopped taking medication months ago, which in my opinion was helping her to deal with everything.
I spoke to her dad just last night and he seemed to think that she did really want to figure things out between us, but then I'm starting to think that alot of what he says is just to keep me happy? What my BS was saying to me was very honest, BUT, it was at a time when she was particularly stressed out. That said though, we text a little bit when I got back to my parents and she was still going on about the same re: family mediation etc.
I did manage to get to the house in the end tonight (she had offered for me to go across - mainly because my working from the house that day I was supporting her with childcare), and it was like we had never had that difficult conversation.
Yes, given we are technically separated now, if she is wanting to date, its not cheating, however I found the mens clothing in our bedroom back in July at a time when we were still discussing an R, so really that is cheating in my opinion. I honestly think she has someone but trying to prove it is difficult, particularly at a time when I should be giving her privacy and space.
For now I'm giving up and working on me, but maybe because its still fairly raw for her that time will allow her to see it all from a different perspective. Deep down, I don't think that will happen, which is a shame because I've worked so hard on me these last four months, on many levels and she's admitted that she's seen those changes in me.
She said that the reason for stalling the D was because she's unhappy about being labelled a divorced single mum with two children, which I guess makes sense.
I will leave the door open for a R, and I told her that when I left the house but she didn't say much. I do hope that some of this wanting to get the D processed is because she feels guilt about what she's done, and that being separated would be the easiest option. I'm not sure I have that patience. I've tried to be patient since moving out 4 months ago and its sooo hard. I'd rather get off this roller coaster now. There needs to be more understanding on her side before anything could progress; there had been some understanding maybe six weeks ago however since she has started talking to more BS's, her opinion has changed, and now I'm seeing words such as Emotional Abuse being chucked at me.
In terms of IC, I haven't seen my IC since doubting the actions of my BS, but I'm hoping to get an appointment any day now.
I have come completely clean although have never offered a polygraph. As mentioned, I've gone 100% NC although being honest, that online relationship was simply a handful of messages and they didn't even see my picture as I took it off! I do get reminded of the use of online chat at a time when she was pregnant, which I know has hurt her hard, and then I did the same again.
I've opened up my phone account to her, but not others. That said, I've been honest about everything so far.