SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hopefully the guy just decided that he knew what he wanted to do, and that watching all of us debate his situation was not helping him. Or maybe this site was a trigger for him in general, and it's impeding him moving on. Maybe his IC told him to stop posting?

I hope he's okay, and that he's had no further health problems. I also worry about his WWs mental wellbeing. She made her own bed, of course. But to suddenly just lose everything; your entire life, your home, your husband, her children won't speak to her... that's rough. Hopefully she hasn't done something to herself.

gotta bump it. Sorry for the head fake guys

OP hasn’t posted in well over a month PLEASE let this thread slip off to never never land. You can always PM a link.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:26 PM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

I don't see anything wrong with asking the OP for an update. It happens in many threads, and a good portion of the time, we get an update. As long as the OP hasn't had the thread closed at his/her request, what's the problem?

SMH. I apologize, I should remain the quiet guy in the back.

exactly, GoldenR

Besides, the thread is a learning tool for everyone who is new here on how to handle things and the range of emotions that can surround infidelity

Hi A1, I wanted to check in to see how things were progressing for you. In your last update you said:

I have not spoken to WW in the new year. Waiting until all the formalities of the separation of property is complete. Lawyer estimates another month to completely untangle finances. I will wait to talk to her when I drop off the check and associated titles/deeds representing her part of the settlement. She agreed to a lump sum distribution (not sure if that is the right word...makes the marriage sound like a business paying dividends) with no alimony.

As that was a little over a month ago, I figured you might have had a chance to wrap that up. How are you doing? Is IC helping? I know you expressed so skepticism, so I’m curious on how you’d assess its value.

Hope the renovations are finishing up too. Please let us know how things are going when you get the chance.

Hello again everyone. Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. Life has a habit of becoming more complicated the second you think things are calming down.

My primary business won 3 large contracts in January. Usually that would be cause for celebration. However, a large chunk of my employees have been out sick with the flu for much of the past 2-3 weeks, leaving us with a skeleton crew just barely holding things together. Everyone has worked long hours, making them susceptible to illness too, so it has been a rotating door of employees coming back from sick leave as others go out. Of course I came down with influenza near the end of January. I tried to power through, but that only made things worse, so my secretary threatened me with flogging if I didn’t stay away from the office.

This flu season has been horrible, btw. I am going to run a flu vaccine clinic at our offices next fall.

Last week WW, the lawyers and I met to finalize the separation of property. She was so quiet during the meeting. Signed all of the papers and took her check but wouldn’t even look at me. She seemed so miserable that I asked how she was doing while the lawyers were arguing about something lawyery. She said she was a little down and missed being with me. Signing the paperwork made the prospect of divorce feel very real to her. I have known WW over half my life and something about her response troubled me. I asked if she was still in IC ( I still am but infrequently these days due to work and illness). She said yes but that was all the time we had to talk.

2 days later her sister let me know she tried to take her own life and was on the way to the hospital. I rushed to the ER (all of her insurance is still tied to me). They were able to revive her and by the time I was allowed to see her, she was very weak but alert.

I am not going to lie. Seeing her like that was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Despite our recent history, I still love her and knowing how close my best friend of so many years came to dying by her own hand really threw me for a loop.

I am still committed to separation and divorce, but this event really shook me up. She doesn’t want the girls to know, so I have kept quiet. She is now back at her sister’s, but under the care of a psychiatrist, which is a relief.

Trying to deal with this most recent crisis. Really think I need to refocus on IC. I hope to post a little more frequently on here as well.

Thanks for the update A1....

I will keep you and your WW in my thoughts and prayers..

CDB

Suicide is generally considered to be the ultimate act of selfishness. Doesn't sound like your wife has changed much in the last few months. So very sad. It really seems like in her mind, it's always all about her. Good luck.

Strength and prayers for you and your WW and your family. I always believed that your thread was one of the saddest I have read here. Unfortunately for your WW the normal course of events in her A were backwards. She never experienced the consequences for her LTA at the time it ended with the death of the OM, and she actually did all the work in counseling and introspection to make herself a better spouse without anyone knowing about the A. I believe her initial IC did her a great disservice by telling your WW not to confess after the death of the OM, but rather to make it up to you and your family by being the wife she should have always been.

None of us can ever really know how remorseful a WS is by reading these threads, but just going by your words describing her actions after confrontation, your WW, IMHO, was a remarkable person. It’s clear from your description that throughout your WW’s LTA she was emotionally immature and selfish, acting out of a sense of rebellion and entitlement. But after turning herself into a better person she exhibited none of these traits on DDay. As I recall reading so many of these threads on the WS’ reaction on DDay, your WW reaction stood out in stark contrast. On DDay she handed you an envelope with a complete timeline and details of the A; she answered all your questions even though she could see the pain it caused you to hear; unless I am misrembering your description of her reactions on and just after DDay, she never tried to blame you for the A or blameshift or rug sweep at any time. She offered to separate immediately. She met with the one daughter who would speak to her and took the verbal thrashing she deserved.

In none of your descriptions during this time did you describe that your WW felt unfairly attacked or was harboring any lingering animosity. She demonstrated that she had gotten into the habit of trying to be the wife and mother she should always have been. She worried about your weight loss, she cooked you dinner and left it for you, she found you unconscious on the floor and got emergency medical services and stayed with you at the hospital blaming herself for your condition that led to your need for treatment. Your WW knew the pain she had caused you and your family and simply expressed that she hoped she could reconcile. You never wrote that your WW believed that she deserved reconciliation, but you did write that at the time of DDay she did Express that “ she had tried to be a good wife the last 8 or 9 years”, as though she might deserve credit against all the wrong she had done.

By separating and subsequently divorcing your WW spouse you have made the right decision for you under these very emotionally trying conditions. I would never question that decision. Your WW’s LTA was shocking and horrendous. You know yourself well and your limits for being able to reconcile. I just wanted to write and set out that your WW set a remarkable example of the actions we would like to see post DDay. No TT, a timeline with details, no blame shifting or rug sweeping, showing empathy, etc. One thing I also noticed is that you never wrote that she had even a hint of continuing to cheat again after the OM’s death. You know, once a cheater, always a cheater. Apparently not in this case.

Sadly, I was not surprised that your WW attempted to take her own life. Again sadly, I think she will make other attempts to do it again. Everything you have written about your WW actions since DDay, screams that the only thing she lives for is you and her family. I hope she gets the counseling and treatment she needs so that she can move on in her life, and not only see all the destruction her A caused, but all the good things that resulted for your family from her turning her life around the last 8 or 9 years after the end of her A. My prayers are with you and your family.

Very sorry to hear this. And very sorry that you are having yet more stress added to an already tough situation.

That is scary. Yes what she did was horrid. But suicide. Very sad.

Hopefully the psych will get her on some meds to stabilize her moods.

Having appropriate boundaries, which you do, is the healthy approach. You can help and support her as the mother of your children. And still chart your own course going forward.

Kudos to you for not letting her actions dictate your course.

What's going to happen when the girls do find out and you haven't told them? Just doesn't seem like it should be laid on you to keep this secret.

HI A1

Sorry, I dont have any wise words or recommendation for you on this.

Just want you to know that others know what you are having to deal with, understand, and are standing shoulder to shoulder with you.

I had to put some almost extreme measures in place towards the end of last year to enure NC with XWW. They worked and my healing accelerated. Have actually managed to begin crafting a rather good new me and new life for myself, my kids and my friends.

Unfortunately, the festive season brought with it some logistics challenges that meant that I had to have contact again. When this happened, I felt that I had handled it so well that I let the guard down a little. Big mistake. She is again relentlessly working that crack to open it up so that she can again be let into my life.

I now see her and what I thought was my great and happy 25 year marriage for what it really was. Nothing but a farce that I constantly lied to myself about. No, I dont want her back. Ever! But that does not mean that I dont see her as a hurting human, and that I don't have compassion for her.

Each time I have seen her this year, I see how her sadness has deepened, and the white Knight in me wants to do something to help. Each time I do, I just make her sadness that follows my rejection, so much deeper.

Am hoping that you will be able to stay the course and that those that can still be in her life, step up to the plate and give her the help she needs.

This infidelity shit is a bitch.

My prayers for you and your family.

Her not wanting DDs to know about the attempts sounds like the same logic she used to conduct an affair.

In my opinion there are no secrets between family members. You are no longer her family so there is not much you can do about it, but it’s wrong.

We are all rooting for you buddy. You are very inspirational to many, many people

Suicide is generally considered to be the ultimate act of selfishness. 

While this may be true. It's the biggest cry for help.

Someone in that state of mind can't fathom that anyone would truly miss them.

This is so sad.

I believe her initial IC did her a great disservice by telling your WW not to confess after the death of the OM, but rather to make it up to you and your family by being the wife she should have always been.

Sadly, I agree with this. In what may have been the best of intentions, still ultimately was decided as not revealing the truth. And to me, living with truth should be a given in life....good and bad. As unfair as that truth may be....about anything in that person's life....it is up to them to decide how to move forward with that knowledge.

Sorry to hear that my XW did the same thing. It scared me to death since I didn’t want anything like that to happen to her.

I think you have your answer on why she never told you when her OM died. She was probably so distraught she couldn’t stand to lose both of you.

She has lived a pampered life. Having two men and not having to work outside the home. I am guessing she was struggling since her pampered life is not so great anymore.

It wasn’t that long ago she had you and a sweet memory of a lost love that was a secret. Now she doesn’t have you and the sweet secret is now out in the open and she is looked at like a slut...

This cheating stuff is hard on everybody. I hope she gets help and heals. I hope the same for you my friend.

"I believe her initial IC did her a great disservice by telling your WW not to confess after the death of the OM, but rather to make it up to you and your family by being the wife she should have always been."

I agree. in fact, I think it may be a basis for malpractice.

however, your WW is an adult an ultimately made the decision herself.