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Yeah, how did the IC respond to your decision to D? How did your WW respond to it, if you said anything?

I am about to make a post that I find very odd, but when I read that you wish she'd hid it better, I thought of something.

I wish the same in my situation. As much as I am sure that this hurts, and I can't imagine, I would have given about anything to be in the situation that you were in before your discovery.

If I would have known about the affair or not, and my wife had turned into the wife I wanted, I'd probably still be with her, and I'd be pretty happy.

The logical part of my brain insists that there is no harm in knowing the truth, but emotionally, I wanted a good wife and partner more than I wanted to know the truth.

He needed to regain his self-esteem & his balls.>>

I could be wrong, but this statement does state divorce was needed to find his balls again.

I'm not trying to speak for Bigger just thought this particular comment does infer what he is pointing out.T/J over

A1,

Have you been able to sustain getting nourishment, protein, even calories? You were just coming off your health scare when you had the nice holiday experience with your daughters. Many folks with just the normal holiday stressors experience a big let down once the holiday hubbub passes. Your work seems to be going well (well enough). You have your pretty substantial home reno underway. That seems to be going well. You read your W's letter and lists that were waiting for you after Williamsburg. I believe you read the material she gave you when you confronted her on DDay. And now you are back at pushing through the financial aspects of your separation.

That is a lot compressed in a very short timeframe. I'm glad you are feeling compatible with your therapist. I expect you feel supported there. Do you Skype with your daughters? I think something like on a regular basis would help create a "new normal". Perhaps you can bounce things off them about the reno, furniture, etc., if that feels natural to you.

I guess I'm hoping that you amp up your self care and take even little incremental steps to fashion a new normal for yourself.

Thanks, seekers, i missed that.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:03 PM, January 5th (Friday)]

Hello all,

Busy week. Gotten back into the swing of things at work. Lots of new and ongoing projects there to keep me entertained.

Therapist seemed a little surprised at my conviction to divorce. Asked if this was a reasoned decision. I explained my point of view and she seemed pleased that I wasn't just firing from the hip. She did echo several things members have said in my thread. She and most on SI agree that WW has done yeoman's work in improving herself and that she will probably end up being a catch for some other lucky guy. Kind of a bummer I had to be the beta test for her new improved self.

I just don't think I will ever be able to look at her the same way I did 6 months ago. Maybe that could change over the long haul. But I don't think she would be willing to wait the necessary years (decades?) for me to possibly return to a mental state where I can accept her as my wife. That seems beyond anyone's tolerance, no matter how well intentioned. Best to cut the cord and let us both move on. IC said she wanted to talk more about this point next week though. My homework is to compose a letter acknowledging the good in our relationship. She is concerned that I am going to dismiss the entire marriage as a waste of time or a mistake.

I have kept up my diet and have actually put on 5 pounds! That is less impressive when you realize that I had lost 25 pounds after dday. But it is a step in the right direction.

I have not spoken to WW in the new year. Waiting until all the formalities of the separation of property is complete. Lawyer estimates another month to completely untangle finances. I will wait to talk to her when I drop off the check and associated titles/deeds representing her part of the settlement. She agreed to a lump sum distribution (not sure if that is the right word...makes the marriage sound like a business paying dividends) with no alimony.

I do skype with DDs every couple of days. I find it very therapeutic. They both seem worried about me after my hospital stay, so I think they appreciate seeing me alive and kicking too.

Renovation is going slowly. Work halted over the holidays, but will start back up next week. The girls had several good ideas while they were at home, so I am going to try to incorporate those into the build.

What I like about your approach is that you realize that divorce IS a business deal once the emotional decision has been reached. I have seen very little hate and need for revenge regarding your wife. I think that is a strong sign because hate is an emotion and right now detachment is the name of the game.

Thanks for the update A1. You and your therapist seem like a good match.

A1

Sounds like a reasonable approach. It’s all about what you want and need to move forward with your life.

Of course once you start communicating again you can fine tune your path.

But I don't think she would be willing to wait the necessary years (decades?) for me to possibly return to a mental state where I can accept her as my wife. That seems beyond anyone's tolerance, no matter how well intentioned

Neither of you need to or should wait around. That doesn’t mean that sometime down the road, years from now, after both exploring the world out there in whatever way you deem desirable, you can’t decide to give it another try if you find yourselves in the same place and frame of mind. It may not be a likely scenario, but it’s possible and has been done many times.

Keep on keeping on. Good job.

My homework is to compose a letter acknowledging the good in our relationship. She is concerned that I am going to dismiss the entire marriage as a waste of time or a mistake.

Think of it as you are just looking for the truth in the relationship. The new info has the potential to completely drown out the rest of the truth, the 9,000,000 LB emotional gorilla, so to speak. But complete honesty demands a devotion to the truth, whatever it is, and now is the time for honesty.

Google on Naikan Theory. They have an exercise along the lines of what your IC suggested:

Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

What have I received from __________ ?

What have I given to __________ ?

What troubles and difficulties have I caused __________ ?

These questions provide a foundation for reflecting on relationships with others such as parents, friends, teachers, siblings, work associates, children, and partners. We can reflect on ourselves in relation to pets, or even objects which serve us such as cars and pianos. In each case, we search for a more realistic view of our conduct and of the give and take which has occurred in the relationship.

It leaves out the question "what did they do to me?" because you are already spending the other 23 hours a day on that one. The reflection rounds out the picture and makes it truthful, ala what your IC is asking you to do.

Note also that she did not ask you to make up good things about your wife, just be aware of them. Our awareness can be like looking through a soda straw, we have to keep scanning to get the truth.

I like your IC.

Sending strength!

I'm really sorry for all you have gone though. Infidelity is so painful, no matter how long the affair lasts or how long it's been since the affair. Betrayal is betrayal. I'm glad you are having clarity in your decision. I wish the best for you.

thought provoking post from HOP.

I use a lens analogy. We look at things through a lens formed by our experiences. They get layered over on top of each other. Each succeeding experience can become a derivative of what occurred before. So the lens can become cloudy/dirty. Always good to take a pause and examine things anew through a completely different lens of self awareness and mindfulness.

I just don't think I will ever be able to look at her the same way I did 6 months ago. Maybe that could change over the long haul. But I don't think she would be willing to wait the necessary years (decades?) for me to possibly return to a mental state where I can accept her as my wife. That seems beyond anyone's tolerance, no matter how well intentioned. Best to cut the cord and let us both move on.

A1, that a deeply wise and profound acceptance of how your feelings would impact on an attempt to reconcile. Your insight into yourself is a real strength. I really think that there are times when parting can actually be a liberation for both parties, so that they can do their best to move on without remaining in a union in which a horrible event will permanently be hanging over them.

I am not saying that is how things are in every reconciliation; it obviously is not. However, there do seem to be a lot of couples who remain together after infidelity, but the magic has gone, the trust has gone, the love has gone. There are threads in these forums where people describe remaining together for several decades like that, and I always think they would have been better parting, and seeing if life would have been better for them that way.

And that is the thing; in some circumstances, divorce can actually be a positive thing, and the best option for peoples' well-being, and I think your counsellor understands that is how things are in your case. You certainly do, and having that certainty, and self-knowledge, is a good thing. Many people in similar circumstances do not have that, and they can go either way without feeling sure they are doing the right thing for themselves.

You are an intelligent man, a decent guy, and I am sure that life has many good things to offer you. Single life will not be so bad. You can get to know yourself again, take up hobbies you may have dropped along the way, or always wanted to try but not had the chance. I know that you are not minded to get into another romantic relationship at the moment, but one day that may change. What was nice was that several women took an interest in you recently, so even if you never pursue that side of life again, the potential is there for you if you ever do want to.

My homework is to compose a letter acknowledging the good in our relationship. She is concerned that I am going to dismiss the entire marriage as a waste of time or a mistake.

Top of the list of good things: two terrific DDs who love you. They alone mean the marriage was 100% not a waste of time. Sadly, the lengthy infidelity turned the marriage into a wasted opportunity to have a strong, respectful, loving union of several decades, but you had no hand in that. You did your part as a loving, supportive husband, and a loving, supportive Dad.

Second on the list: the marriage, despite your wife's other activities, provided your DDs with a safe, stable, secure home and foundation. That was not a waste; they sound like wonderful people, and raising them and keeping them safe can never, ever be seen as a waste.

Third on the list: The good times you had with WW. They may now be tainted by what you know, but at the time, you enjoyed them, and as such, they genuinely were good at the time.

I will stop doing your homework for you now! I just wanted to add my thoughts, and send you my heartfelt good wishes for your present, and your future.

I understand why part of you wishes that you never found out. For the last several years your wife has probably been making up for her affair by being nicer to you than she otherwise would. It’s like you had paid the total cost and were receiving the benefit. Finding out canceled the policy.

One good thing about not finding out when it happened was that your wife also made it up to your daughters. They seem to have turned out quite will.

Your case is the most unique and extreme that I ever heard of. Your wife had a long term intense affair with no mediating factors. She didn’t even feel guilty. The only reason that it ended is because he died.

Then she had the best rehabilitation that I ever heard of. She even had a D day packet ready to go where she spilled her guts and had an apology letter.

How in the world can you put that together? It’s like she was a serial killer and then became Mother Teresa.

I think your reasons for divorce are very creditable.

Good Luck

Whatever the MC thinks about WW's chances post-divorce, any prospective 2nd husband will have to deal with the way she conducted herself during her first marriage. How that makes her a catch is beyond me.

My homework is to compose a letter acknowledging the good in our relationship. She is concerned that I am going to dismiss the entire marriage as a waste of time or a mistake.

If nothing else, you got 2 incredible daughters out of this marriage. Look to them.

Kinda late to the game here. But which software recovery tool did you use? Is there a recommended one here on SI?

any prospective 2nd husband will have to deal with the way she conducted herself during her first marriage

The thing is - A second husband may NOT care how she behaved earlier in her earlier marriage, especially if even husband # 1 says she's been an exemplary wife for the last decade. Or, a second husband may also have behaved poorly earlier in his life, and may himself now be a better person and understand. Or, albeit less likely, a second husband may not consider the transgressions as horrible as many others would. Or, a second husband may simply be the type who realizes people grow and change (especially when they make a heartfelt effort to), and has no interest in the person she was so long ago . . . because that's not who he's marrying.

There could be a dozen or more other reasons as well. That is the tragedy in this (and so many other situations found here), and part of the difficulty in divorce. A1 may not do better in the future. He could end up with no one, he may never be able to trust anyone with his love, or he could end up with another cheat, or with someone who loves him, but not with the fervor and compatibility his current wife has shown for the last decade. Or, he may end up equally satisfied . . . or perhaps much more happy.

We simply can't know. There have been a number of psychics on this thread, who seem to know what would have happened, what his wife thought, what she's thinking now, and what will happen. I don't believe any of it. We hope (and if it's your particular bent) pray for A1's happiness and well-being. We try offer support for his decisions, and advice to the extent of experience with similar circumstance . . . though his is not common in situation and timing in a number of ways . . . but that's pretty much it.

So, hopefully A1, you are now eating and drinking (non-alcoholic liquids) and exercising . . . all more and better than before. I'm glad to hear you're back in the swing of things at work. That's always a good sign. It's good to hear things are good with DD's, and hopefully school and other pursuits are going well for them. Please stay in frequent touch with them, I think that's probably important for this period in their lives (and in yours). I hope you're spending time with old and new friends and as issues come up, airing them to the most appropriate recipients as needed.

[This message edited by c24j at 4:37 PM, January 7th (Sunday)]

How would that conversation go, when she does find someone else that she loves very much?

New man: So, tell me a little bit about your divorce from A1?

Ex-Mrs A1: Well, I cheated on him for 9 years, and then lied about it for another 9 years. We did lots of kinky sexual things I wouldn't do for A1, and we did it in A1's house/bed, while he was working his butt off to provide for me and our children. But I got therapy and am all better now!

New man: YIKES!! Ummm.... I gotta go...

Meanwhile A1 is sitting on a beach somewhere, sipping a cocktail!

I think we need to start calling you NotAmbivalentOne

It's great to hear that you're gaining some healthy weight.

I think it's normal to feel the way you're feeling about your marriage or any potential relationship in the future. Only you know what's best for you.

In regards to the letter you are to compose, I would say that your daughters benefited from having a stay at home parent. They grew up in a stable home and that created a solid foundation for them. I say that because my boys are 9 and 13 and I have been a SAHM until now. We have to sell our home and I have to go back to work full time. It's not something kids should have to deal with, especially a teenager. So while your WW had the luxury of "spare time" as a SAHM I have to believe that it was a luxury for your daughters as well. It may or may not be helpful to think of it that way but I always try to think of positive things through my boys eyes in order to see the good in the marriage. (Because from my view all I see are ashes and dust...lol!)

I wish you peace for the new year.