SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bought him the presents he wanted and picked up a second copy for you? Wow, haven't heard that one before. I wonder how she figured out what to buy for you after he died.

Hey AO, I’ve lurked here for a little while over the holiday season and your story was like a punch to the guts. I think we share a lot of similarities in personality and outlook.

I’m a bit older than you and have been divorced now for five years now. One thing I can say about your wife is her ability to compartmentalize is incredible.

Your thoughts on being bothered by not knowing exactly what’s going on in a person’s mind, that felt like something I could have written.

Like you I’m a Christian and the only woman I’ve been with is my ex-wife. I was in my early 30’s when I married and was fine with being single before and knew I could again after the divorce.

Not everyone has to be in a romantic relationship, we are all born single and can live a great life being such. So if you do go down that path, you are not the only one to choose it. I have.

I would caution you though on developing an negative/defensive attitude towards all women in general.

Here is something I had to break myself out of after going through infidelity that I hope you don’t follow. I started having negative emotions and thoughts around any woman that looked similar to my ex-wife, the cashier at the gas station, or the teller at the bank. If they looked like her, my interaction with them became brusk and I came away with a negative attitude.

This was something my counselor pointed out to me. Now when I start to get those feelings again I force myself to think about something pleasant, the weather (if it’s nice) or something else. A woman does not deserve a bad attitude just because she happens to look like my ex-wife.

Adding some new hobbies or expanding ones you already have might be a good idea when you are up to it.

Is there anything you and your daughters would enjoy doing together? That might be something to look into. My daughter was 18 when the divorce was finalized and we now work on puzzles. I keep one set up and bring it out when she visits and we work on it together.

Wishing and praying for a better 2018 for you and your family.

The gift-giving says it all: A1 played second fiddle.

Right now, you wouldn't take another woman under a Christmas tree. I get that. But never say never. There are plenty of good, loyal, single women in your age range that would love to have a man like you. I'm not saying get on Tinder right now and start swiping. I think it would be beneficial for you to take at least a year to simply re-center yourself after your world has been completely rocked. You're only 50, you've hopefully got a long time ahead of you. Plenty of time for you to change your mind, meet somebody new and live happily ever after.

Or, maybe you really mean what you say. Nothing wrong with that, either. I'm only 36 myself, and have a friend the same age who has never even had a real girlfriend, and probably never will. There's nothing wrong with him, per se. Good looking enough, successful career, no weird addictions or personality disorders. This guy is probably the happiest guy I know. He does what he wants, when he wants, and has a mountain of money to fund his every whim. Sometimes I secretly wonder if he's actually a genius.

If you give up on romance, om and ww will continue to influence the direction of your life.

He shitted on your marriage while living. Don't let him keep you from real happiness from the grave.

There are plenty of deserving women on this planet. And remember, the best revenge is a life filled with happiness. He's dead. You live.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 6:13 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

If you give up on romance, om and ww will continue to influence the direction of your life.

Very true, I agree 100% but in time A1 may change his mind, one step at a time.

He shitted on your marriage while living. Don't let him keep you from real happiness from the grave

I do disagree with this unless you meant "she" in my opinion the WS is 100% at fault, they the WS is the final say as to any affair starting, no matter how seductive the AP may be, they the AP are not the final say.

@A1 Happy New Year and all the best in your time with your kids and to healing..

Cheers

[This message edited by atreides at 7:15 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

A1,

This entire process is a journey. I sincerely hope that you have been served well by the fine folks here in Just Found Out.

There is a sister subforum call ‘New Beginnings’. There are amazing challenges at each step and, like the few posters here have noted, addressing your approach to future relationships is something that the experts there can help you embrace. I can just say now that I think your thoughts 48 hours from making an emotional decision will likely be significantly different once logic has loosened emotion’s grip a tad.

A1,

I am not suggesting any relationships at this point but I understand and support your decision to move on. I applaud it because you know what's best for you and this decision of yours IMO is correct.

I agree with the posters who say there are good people (women ) out there. Don't close your heart forever although I think it's admirable that you can be independent. I am the same way.

If I lost my marriage tomorrow, I would be fine. I love my wife more than everything. I would hate it but I have tons of interests and I am no cuckold.

You are still doing great. Keep standing for yourself bro

[This message edited by Western at 9:14 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

Plenty of time to have/not have a future relationship later.

Priorities.

Right now I would just stay focused on getting her out of your life on a permanent basis. At least as much as possible. If she is agreeable get the best D settlement you can. She took advantage of you for 18+ years.

Now its your turn.

Take advantage of her new found guilt and use it to your advantage, if you have not already with the Seperation agreement.

If she is smart, if she wants a decent relationship with her daughters, if she wants to keep her reputation....she will go easy with the divorce.

Do either of your families know what is going on? Do you have siblings that can support you? So you have a close friend you can grab a beer with? With your daughters gone I think getting out an socializing a bit with a buddy could be therapeutic.

Ambivalent

I get where you are coming from on divorce,apart from the deception of your wife over such A long period of time ,what would really get me was the talking to the affair partner about how stupid ,hopeless in bed and ugly I was compared to him .

I really would take some of these with a pinch of salt ,as surely it was you who she had your two daughters with.

I get it that your trust in women is really at a low point,but you have got two great and loyal girls on your side at the moment,not everyone is like your wife.

This is the most devastating story of infidelity that I have heard so far. I think that A1 has a journey ahead of him and I wish him well in whatever path he decides. I will only say this one thing: I would give everything that I own if my WW had shown an ounce of the remorse that A1's WW has displayed thus far. I think I would have avoided much of the feelings of worthlessness that I have experienced since DDay.

I also wanted to say what I'm certain you already know. Your DDs are true treasures and you have been richly blessed by them. And their loyalty to you is a reflection of you as a good father.

Here's to 2018 being a better year!

Yet, there are several cases in these forums where the BH ended up re-marrying his WW.

Yes, I've read several such stories and have personal knowledge of a man divorcing and re-marrying his WW. In all of these cases that I know of the guy has no regrets regarding the divorce. He needed to regain his self-esteem & his balls.

Honestly, I wish she had done a better job covering things up. I think I would prefer to have never found out

I totally understand how you feel. I also wish I never knew about my WW cheating - why would any man want to know about this horrible betrayal if he had a choice? Ignorance is bliss...

I also understand your newly-acquired "relationship phobia". If I somehow became single again I wouldn't even date for fear of opening my heart to another woman. Escorts & sugar babies would satisfy my need for female companionship 😉

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 3:58 AM, January 5th (Friday)]

T/J because this has no relevance on AO’s situation IMHO:

ISurvived7734

Are you implying MangledHeart (co-founder and long-time Chief Admin of SI), Wifehad5 (long-time contributor, moderator and admin to SI), Sisson and dozens of other BH that chose (and managed) to reconcile are eunuchs?

Isn’t that a bit like pissing in the punch-bowl at the party you invited yourself to – and were welcomed with open arms?

R or D are both good, valid paths out of infidelity. I have been here for some time and quite a few BH have been in PM contact with me over the years regarding the “success” of the advice I offer. I like to think my advice is based on getting out of infidelity, and always selecting the path you want AND is OPEN. Sometimes that’s D, sometimes that’s R. Sometimes the paths can change but they always lead out of infidelity. I have to say that the majority of those that I have helped out of infidelity via divorce hate the process and wished they had other options. Many of those that I was in contact with post-divorce express regret that things went that way BUT they are also glad to be out of infidelity.

Research on divorce in general (not only infidelity related) shows that about 80% regret the divorce and think things could have been fixed when asked 12 months post-d. That number changes dramatically over the next months, because 80% are glad for the divorce when asked 18 months post-d. I am fine with D, but just like R the decision has to be based on the correct reasons, and pride is not one of them IMHO.

Choosing R – if it’s available – is no sign of weakness, nor does it make anyone less of a man.

Bigger always spot on in my opinion

Yes, I've read several such stories and have personal knowledge of a man divorcing and re-marrying his WW. In all of these cases that I know of the guy has no regrets regarding the divorce. He needed to regain his self-esteem & his balls.

Not arguing with you on this, just admiring the view from a distance, where it seems odd that maybe if you have something you want, that you need to first put it down before you can pick it back up and feel good about having it.

Speaks to how much we think our choice of spouse says about us, and says about us to the rest of the world.

Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't tether your own self-esteem to your (trophy?) spouse and D'd or R'd strictly because you just wanted to be with them or not? Enjoyed their company or dreaded it?

Us humans are odd creatures.

Bigger - perhaps you didn't see, or chose to ignore, what I actually said:

In all of these cases that I know of the guy has no regrets regarding the divorce. He needed to regain his self-esteem & his balls.

I did not say anything derogatory about anyone; why did you read something that didn't wasn't there?

For me, and many other BH's, our children and FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) were the reasons we stayed with our WW's. Kids I understand without condoning. FUD is weakness.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:39 PM, January 5th (Friday)]

Are you implying MangledHeart (co-founder and long-time Chief Admin of SI), Wifehad5 (long-time contributor, moderator and admin to SI), Sisson and dozens of other BH that chose (and managed) to reconcile are eunuchs?

Wow....where exactly did you see this? I just went back 5 pages and there's nothing like that.

Some people here looking to be offended. And some people here looking to be right.

Maybe this discussion should be given its own thread in General.

A1, how you holding up?