SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I dont care what the circumstances are, if someone stabs you in the back TWICE, you take them fishing.

I am amazed out how well SpaceGhost0007 handled the situation presented to him when he found out his wife was cheating. Very encouraging to read how strong and decisive he was. I think the difference between SpaceGhost0007 and many others that come to JFO is that he knew that if D-Day ever came, he was going to take decisive action. He warned his wife about an affair being a deal breaker, and followed through with his intentions to divorce once he found out what occurred.

He was prepared for D-Day, even though he was in a good marriage. While he was surprised to find out about the affair, he was not blindsided like so many others are, who think it could never happen to them because they are happily married. That is what kills me. I can understand that in an unhappy marriage with a lot of issues, one or both partners may seek out comfort from others. But, in situations like these, and SpaceGhost0007's is not unique around here, there was a strong, healthy and supportive marriage, and it all got trashed because one spouse decided cheating was more important than the marriage. So sad! :-(

One final thing. What is up with the "friends" who help people cheat and encourage an affair? I read that SpaceGhost0007's wife had just such an enabler friend. WTF is wrong with people? What a shitty thing to do. Help your "friend" cheat and send them down the path to a marriage breakup.

[This message edited by LifeWanderer at 5:15 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

SG- late to the party. Read your thread...well your posts at least. I am inspired. You are the role model for any guy going through this. I only wish I read this years ago.

Ghost0007, I don’t know if you’re still reading this thread, but believe me, I really feel for you. Your posts are some of the best I have ever seen, and I’d like to help you.

You were asking why this happened.

Obviously, even with the thorough posts, I don’t know the complete situation. What I can tell you is the following, which may or may not shed light. Please note that I am neither blaming you nor your ex-wife. What I describe below is the result of human nature and social conditioning. (Please note my comments are based on the red pill theory - see reddit).

First, with regard to why she cheated, couple of hypotheses.

I take it you were incredibly nice to your wife, put her on a pedestal, and treated her “like she is the most special woman on earth.” Unfortunately, women are biologically programmed to be attracted to men who are “better” than them (taller, more educated, stronger, etc.). I’m not making a normative statement, just stating a biological fact. Being treated well is OK, but if they’re treated like a princess then subconsciously, they are programmed to feel that the man doesn’t deserve her. Women say they want to be treated like a princess but as you can tell by the fact that many women like bad boys more than nice guys, what they say and do are not always the same.

Second, it sounds like you spent a lot of time talking with her. It’s OK for her to share her feelings with you, but did you share your feelings with her? Any worries, insecurities, weaknesses? Once again, women ask for you to share you feelings but the main reason is to sniff out weaknesses. Sharing feelings with her, especially ones that make you sound weak or worried will kill attraction for you. Biologically, women are programmed to flee from weak men, and men who share their feelings usually fall into that category.

Once again neither of the above is your fault. What I am saying is opposite of what most of us are taught so no foul on you. It’s just that what we are taught is wrong.

And neither of the above is your ex-wife’s fault. She didn’t do it consciously. It’s just millions of years of evolution at work.

You said you were often approached by women. Did you tell her about them? If she knew that you were being approached by women on a regular basis, that would have made her less likely to cheat, because she would know you have as many or more options than she does.

Finally, in a work environment, the CEO is king. Regardless of how he looks, he has power, and power is an aphrodisiac. This may be why your wife cheated on you with him.

Clearly though she made a grievous error, not just morally but biologically. She thought that you were weak because you treated her so well, but you were strong. She thought that the CEO was more powerful and attractive than you because she spent all day at work but in the real world, the opposite was true. She thought that she had more options and could play around and you would have to accept it but the opposite was true.

I am so impressed by how you handled this. I know what I just said may sound odd, but I hope you might test it out in your next long term relationship and see if they turn out to be right.

I don't think it has anything to do with a spouse being weak.

His wife got selfish. Their marriage was fine. They were both happy.

His wife thought that she could get away with the affair and made a very selfish decision for herself.

She did not take SG or their children into the equation.

Her motivations were purely selfish.

It is that simple. She admitted she never intended to leave SG.

She knew SG would divorce if she ever got caught. Yet she had the affair anyway.

Not only was she selfish but she was stupid. Not only was she stupid she was a coward.

SG gave her the chance to come clean and she would not do it......

I'm sure SG is slowly putting his life back together now. And playing a lot of golf.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 10:07 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]

@HM64 ALL cheating spouses are selfish and there is never a good excuse to cheat.Look at these threads cheaters are going to cheat because they can, want to and it feels good. SG had a plan, executed it well and did not violate his own code. Impressive to me and a lot of men.

I'm not saying spaceghost was weak. I'm saying he might have (or might not, I don't know) done things that women are biologically programmed to react to in a certain way.

So for example, if he continually sent her unexpected flowers to her at work, he wasn't being weak, but things like that trigger unconscious (and irresistible) biological reaction that makes the woman feel like she deserves someone better than him. Kind of crazy, and against what we've been taught, but that's what happens. Again, not his fault, he was only being nice. This is why women don't fall for nice guys.

I'm not blaming him, just trying to provide some answers to his unanswered questions. Why would she cheat on him when he was so nice to her? Because he was so nice to her.

[This message edited by french123 at 10:32 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

@french123 - that is a ridiculous, generalized statement. Please do not assume you know why all women cheat. Like others have said it mostly has to do with their own selfish needs and wants.

In french123's first post it was stated that said views are based on Red Pill Theory.

If you are unfamiliar with Red Pill Theory. It is just that, a theory. It has been created by self proclaimed pick up artists that see woman in one light and one light only. It is one of the most poorly pieced together theories/ideologies I have ever seen, but it sells because hurting men are looking for answers when their self confidence, self esteem are at a low. It's unfortunate everyone can't see through it, but that's life.

french123, I'd be interested in discussing Red Pill Theory with you in another thread. Do you have a story that brings you here?

I haven't read much about this "Red Pill Theory" but what I have read makes me want to vomit. What I have read sounds very misogynistic to me.

What I have read sounds very misogynistic to me.

Unsurprising. Elliot Rodger was a follower of the so-called "Red Pill Theory."

SG, I strongly discourage you from believing anything that comes from the "Red pill theory" proponents. If you're reading this, I hope you're doing well! Best wishes

I hope he is doing well and getting used to his new normal.....

Well, we don't want this thread to devolve into a discussion about the Red Pill Theory - you can go to reddit if you really want to do that.

All I can say is that after a very thorough search through the internet, the only group of people I've found who have consistently had successes saving marriages has been that group.

^^^You haven't read very much here at SI than, french123. ^^^

ETA:

Why would she cheat on him when he was so nice to her? Because he was so nice to her.

Bullshit, just outright bullshit. But, yeah, don't want to discuss this bullshit "theory" on this thread.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:49 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

SG,

I'm one of those guys that watched his wife deliberately walk over to another man. I begged and pleaded her to stop. She told me, "If you don't let me have this friendship, I'm through with you." So I did, though I continued to try to talk her out of it. Well the EA developed into a PA. She was shocked, SHOCKED! that she let it cross the line into the PA.

Now she is sorry and is "doing every thing she can to reconcile".

Imagine that one goes to a restaurant. One orders a nice burger, fries and beer. Once it arrives you sit down and start to eat, but you have to run to the bathroom. When you come back, some dude has sat down in your seat and is eating your burger and drinking your beer. Seeing you he runs off.

As a BS, we are asked to sit down and enjoy the rest of our life.

Now that burger might have been really good, but it will not be the same. That beer might have been really tasty, but his saliva is in there.

I have been trying to R for the sake of my 5 little ones... Their reality has been destroyed, they just don't know it yet. I've been holding it in and holding it back. I'm forcing myself to SIT BACK DOWN AND EAT THAT BURGER AND DRINK THAT BEER.

And it really sucks. It really hurts. And it will never be the same.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 12:55 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

I am a betrayed child so I rarely comment being neither BS or WS, but REALLY! Saying that your wife will cheat because you are too nice is just ridiculous. It is just another way of saying it is the betrayed spouses fault. No one ever cheated because their spouse was too nice or too giving. They cheated because they were selfish and just plain wanted to. By the way, being an ass is a good way to scare off a good woman. I would think carefully before going out into the world with that attitude. You could mess up any chance of landing the real thing. Imagine a relationship were BOTH parties are nice, loving people. It does happen and it can happen for you. It won't happen if you approach the world with the horrible mind set those sad little wounded red pill boys try to sell to the world.

Hi All:

I will give an update soon. Life is different but I am doing well. I lurk every now and then but reading gets my blood pressure up 😁.

It will be a couple of days but then I will give an update. Yes I treated my wife well but I know she didn't cheat because of that. Keep in mind she did not want to lose me and she knows I would not be lonely without her.

I could have gone out and cheated on her left and right but I would never do that. I have a brother who is single and he gets a thrill out of sleeping around but I like quality not quantity.

I just don't see the point of being an Ass to keep her in line. I would rather be without her. I watched my Mom treat my Dad like crap and just don't see the point of it.

I will have more later.

One final thing. What is up with the "friends" who help people cheat and encourage an affair? I read that SpaceGhost0007's wife had just such an enabler friend. WTF is wrong with people? What a shitty thing to do. Help your "friend" cheat and send them down the path to a marriage breakup.

Yes. This.

Although (because I'm a hopeless benefiter-of-the-doubter-giver), I suppose it depends a lot on the propaganda they've been getting fed. But, not sympathetic with that idea, my sister sent me this:

[This message edited by StreetMedic at 2:44 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

I kind of feel shy when spaceghost007 posts. It's like meeting an idol