Your husband is not far enough in his recivery likely to be able to express a lot of what people on this site express.
He is also likely walking on eggshells sometimes with you the same as you do him.
I think the best way to extract information if you have a concern is leave the site out of it. (Unless he is here) I would instead use it as ways to get curious about how he is feeling.
There is no formula that his every bs , but a good guideline to think about is that they will oscillate between the stages of grief. And the first many months they are just in shock, he is still trying to process through that.
One of the things that helped, and you also are unlikely to be able to do this yet- it’s completely normal it took me the better part of a year- but that fear you feel becomes desperation at times and that can be a lot for him to manage as well.its a double edged sword because in these early days he needs to see it but sometimes it causes him to bristle because it can take his space. Holding space for him without any expectation of an outcome can create a better environment in which he may share more. And creating that emotional safety can build trust.
He needs to know you fee losing him and you want him, but it can be hard for him sometimes to say the hard things. We tend to be protective of our mates sometimes, and I have noticed for men especially their protection has a lot to do with metering out how much of their truth you can take. Not always, but the way you describe what is happening I think he is simply still needing to process and sometimes not sure what to express because he is in a roller coaster. Sometimes he just wants his wife back -the one he knew and trusted fully and other times he is lost in pain so big that he is afraid to show you all of it.
The best thing you can do right now is stay open to him but focus more on addressing your own rollercoaster. He will sense your stability as you grow. And share back things that you are learning about you. Ask him if there are things he would like to go over again, but if he is shut down just say- I know you need some time to process. You have all the time in the world. I am not going anywhere. I am just going to be working on myself and all the things I can take trace that went into these terrible decisions. I am so sorry that… and apologize for what you know. And as he shares more apologize for that too. And the best apologies come with changed behavior.
I don’t think my examples of things my husband felt will help you that much - and right now it might bring more fear. Right now I would just focus on trying to give him exactly what he needs and working on yourself. When you are talking about the debate you are having in your head with a bunch of strangers on the internet, he is likely hearing your struggles with shame that may feel a little more like trying to get him to accept your truth. He isn’t going to be ready for that for some time to come.
And you are not ready yet with your reactions to some of it because it’s being reflected into your shame and then he feels like you need comfort that he can not give right now.
And I get it. I wanted so badly to take it back or to get an A in reconciliation. I wanted to change everything. It’s better for you to get comfortable with the idea of uncertainty and embrace the growth it’s going to bring. Trust that things all will work out the way it needs to. Letting go of the outcome and being comfortable in the uncertainty will not come to you overnight, so be patient with yourself as well.
