SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm back to waking up at 4am every day with my heart pounding. This sucks.

Bigger

GPS is coming off as soon as STBXWW and kids are back from vacation. I get it.

I believe the car is still a marital asset, so technically part mine. It served its purpose. Not sure why I need more confirmation she is a cheating liar.

She seemed to be okay with getting a divorce.

What do you think about her having sex with you and telling you that her A was over even though she didn't end? Did she try to dissuade you from divorce this way?

By the way, I think you need to know the truth as long as he keeps lying to you. If you are going to constantly wondering where she is, it's better not to turn off the GPS.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:34 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

This is one of those posts I make not necessarily for the OP of the thread, but even more for anyone else in comparable shoes that might read here.

This probably varies state by state and country by country… but:

I believe the car is still a marital asset, so technically part mine.

Chances are this still does not allow you to put and use a tracker on the vehicle without her knowledge. There is an expectation of privacy, even within the marriage.

Everything changes if people are informed.

For example: If you and your wife had decided to put a tracker in your vehicle for safety or to monitor your daughters driving, or if the car had a built-in tracker then that would be fine. But for you to hide a tracker without her knowledge can have legal implications.

This is really a non-issue in the early stages, but once you file you have attorneys involved and a dispute to resolve. Discovering a tracker, VAR, hidden cameras… once you have filed can have worse consequences than any possible benefit IMHO.

guvensiz

What do you think about her having sex with you and telling you that her A was over even though she didn't end?

It's disgusting. For a year I have held back from using the words whore, skank, and slut. I think I have every right to use them now. I think skank is particularly fitting.

The visit to AP on Friday is particularly devastating for me, seems even worse than dday almost a year ago. She told me it was over many, many times. I am barely functioning at the moment. I was doing OK until Friday, then things came crashing down again.

Did she try to dissuade you from divorce this way?

I don't know what her intention on divorce was. I sent her a text with a picture of my two kids a few weeks back, just the picture...she responded "maybe we can stay together until they get out of high school..."

I spoke to her about a post-nup agreement, she was interested.

I told her that I haven't had a loving partner in 11 months, she responded with "...you do have a loving partner. I do many things for you and I show you that I care." (word for word from a text)

Other texts received lately..."I hope you have a nice morning" "you are a good guy" we were doing a lot of things together, we were still intimate, we were back to kissing each other when we got up in the morning, before either of us left the house, and before bed. She was actually doing all this while still communicating with AP and planning to see him again. (also, probably should have know that "you are a good guy" was "let's be friends" ...friends?...not happening!)

To be manipulated like this just hurts like hell.

If you are going to constantly wondering where she is, it's better not to turn off the GPS.

The point was to get the fuck away from her if she was still going to see him...that's all I wanted to know. If she was still going, then all the stuff above (the kissing, the sex, etc.) needs to stop and all her words and actions are manipulative lies. I confirmed that on Friday, I'm OK with taking the GPS off the car when they get back from vacation. I've hit rock bottom, there's no more she can do to make it worse other than bring him to the house and fuck him right in front of me.

I need to get away, but now I'm fucked. The attorney says if I'm gone, then I owe full child support for the time I'm gone (not the lower shared custody amount) AND she doesn't have to let me back in the house if I can't find other living arrangements before June. Now I can't leave until I find a house in an impossible real estate market and not much money. How fair is that?

I have to live in the same house with my STBXWW while she goes and visits AP. It's torture.

I'll get some $ from the equity in the house, but not much.

I know I should have known by now that she is a manipulative liar. I kept falling for it.

I check the real estate every day now. I'm praying that my mortgage application gets approved soon and for the amount I want. I'm going back to living paycheck to paycheck. Just got a part time job, hopefully she doesn't tell the attorneys about it.

Just sucks all around,

[This message edited by DanielJK at 7:34 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

DanielJK

I’m going to make a suggestion on how to move on:

Sit your wife down for a talk. Not a discussion but a relatively one-sided conversation that goes something like:

“I know the affair is ongoing. I know you are seeing OM. You are totally free to be with him as much as you want, but definitely not as my wife. Until or unless you convince me otherwise I am simply assuming you have chosen your affair over this marriage and this family. This inevitably means we need to finalize our divorce and separate our lives.

This is not what I want, but even less do I want to share you.

The divorce will follow the laws and rules of our state/country and will be as fair to both as possible.

If you think this marriage is salvegable and are willing to show me through your accountable actions that the affair is over I might reconsider, but the further along I go the more I accept the inevitablitiy of this decision.”

And then you go make a sandwich or clean your golf-balls or whatever. No more discussion. If she comes and tells you that she might consider reconciling but that you don’t show her appreciation your stock answer is:

“I am sorry you feel that way. If the affair was over and we committed to reconciling then this is something we definitely would need to deal with. But since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really anything to gain from going there”.

She complains about your shoes:

“I am sorry you feel that way. If the affair was over and we committed to reconciling then this is something we definitely would need to deal with. But since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really anything to gain from going there”.

Bad breath:

“I am sorry you feel that way. If the affair was over and we committed to reconciling then this is something we definitely would need to deal with. But since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really anything to gain from going there”.

You don’t enter discussions!

On another matter:

If you think you will be broke after the divorce then either you are (a) not doing the correct calculations or (b) broke already.

Remember: it’s the division of ALL the assets and ALL the debt. There might be exceptions (cards definitely in separate names, possibly student-debt, inheritance, pre-marriage assets…) but generally it’s the total pot minus the total debt divided by two.

It’s not half the house, one of the two cars and six plates of the 12-plate set.

If you are driving the old Honda worth 5000 and she’s on the newish BMW worth 20000 you add the two amounts together and get 25k where you might keep the Honda and find 7.5k in other assets. Like the house, or your pension.

Talk to your attorney about getting a FAIR divorce. I have a feeling you have been doing the White Knight act where you sacrifice your stake in order for your WW to keep the daughters in the family home. Sounds great and noble now, but won’t feel that way after 5 years when they are away at school and your wife just sold the home to move in with OM.

I have to live in the same house with my STBXWW while she goes and visits AP. It's torture.

Why?, you have clarity now, you know WHO she is and most importantly WHAT she is, do you really want it back? For what purpose? Sex? At the risk of being vile do you really want to go inside of her (for obvious reasons).

It's disgusting. For a year I have held back from using the words whore, skank, and slut. I think I have every right to use them now. I think skank is particularly fitting.

I recall my accountant using the term "Door Knob" (as in more hands on her than an average door knob) about his XW, I found it very humorous as it applied to mine as well. You must at your core come to understanding that she is just that "disgusting", and a threat to your future. NOT what you thought she was, but see her for who she actually is and has been for a much longer time than you shall want to believe.

Many in this forums comment about WW's and how this is NOT their first rodeo (first affair). I can absolutely tell you this is true more often than not, and was with my XW as I dug deeper and discovered somethings even years later.

You have been manipulated, lied to and harmed, but it is not the end of your life you will recover (with scars, everyone here has them), but you will find the life you seek, if you believe it and you work at it and have little good fortune. As we are about the same age I'm certain you recall a movie "Ferris Bueller's Day off". Stop seeing yourself as Cameron in the beginning, but see yourself as Cameron at the end.

Here is the quote

If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work

Why?, you have clarity now, you know WHO she is and most importantly WHAT she is, do you really want it back?

Attorney says don't leave the house, I will be liable for full child support and she does not have to let me back in the house. I'll never find a house and close on it before June 1.

For what purpose? Sex? At the risk of being vile do you really want to go inside of her (for obvious reasons).

eww, no. Not any more. I'm still in shock that she led me on for so long...shocked that I allowed it and shocked that she did it.

If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work

I think this is me

Why?, you have clarity now, you know WHO she is and most importantly WHAT she is, do you really want it back?

Attorney says don't leave the house, I will be liable for full child support and she does not have to let me back in the house. I'll never find a house and close on it before June 1.

The "why" I was referencing was about feeling tortured (who cares what is going inside of her, as long as it is not you), not about remaining in the home. Follow the attorney's advice.

If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work

I think this is me

It doesn't have to be you, just like it wasn't Cameron in the end, he made a choice (the Ferrari scene), just recommend no violence toward people or classic automobiles.

You shall need to choose as well, OLD CAMERON or NEW CAMERON.

Reread Bigger last post of April 20th 8:04am several times. I disagree often with his perspectives, however he is spot on with this one.

White Knighting is no different than OLD CAMERON and look at where it would have led him.

Get a fair divorce, if the house need to be sold so be it, in fact I would recommend putting for sale in this market, seems everything goes well above market value.

I know I should have known by now that she is a manipulative liar. I kept falling for it.

I just suggested that you do not turn off the GPS to avoid this happening again. If all these are really really enough for you, there is no need to GPS.

I wouldn't recommend that you follow Bigger's suggestion after a year of hell. To offer her time again to consider R, accompanied by emotional words? No, absolutely not. You have already passed that stage. Actually I suggest you just run and run.

I agree with Bigger about a fair D.

Thanks guvensiz

The GPS is coming off. It’s finally over. I’m frantically looking for a place to live.

I think Bigger doesn’t remember my story from back in October. I’m already running. There is no R, never was on her part.

Just wanted to say that Poppy704 came in a dropped this bomb.

I realize I’m going to be the dissenting voice, but you did decide to expose in a fit of spite. You didn’t share with loved ones looking for support. You and your wife were already moving towards divorce. You went to her parents and her kids to damage her. They will know this and they may not appreciate being used that way. Be prepared for this to hurt your relationship with your kids. Start planning on how you’re going to handle that fall out now. This is not about your wife and punishing her, this is about not damaging your relationship with your kids any further.

I’m curious as to whether Poppy704 read my full story and my responses here? I think anyone in my shoes would have a similar reaction. Especially since my STBXWW already told my kids she had an affair. Was I supposed to just leave it at that? Her version of the events that surrounded the affair? And that she “had” an affair??? “HAD” an affair! She was at AP's house on the day I told the kids… I’m supposed to just let the “HAD” an affair just sit there?

[This message edited by DanielJK at 9:49 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Daniel are you doing the 180?

I don’t recall Bigger suggesting you offer her time to consider R.

Last time I talked to Bigger he was suggesting DanielJK behave as if he is divorcing and carries on along that path. I think he (Bigger) suggested that because he (Bigger) feels like DanielJK is talking D but wishing R.

Just between the two of us DanielJK – knowing Bigger like I do then he can be a hard-nosed @sshole, but he’s quite good at getting people to focus on the real issues.

Sorry Bigger, meant no offense…I misunderstood. I don’t think you’re an ahole (just sometimes ). I am talking D and wishing R. Court date just got moved to May 17th. Don’t stop keeping me focused.

Westway – unfortunately the 180 did not start until last Friday. But yes 180 now. I’m not good at it. She’s actually better at grey rock than I am. I will do my best this time.

ETA - 180 while in the same house is fucking hard for me. Then she does this thing, "boy you're chatty (haha)" "why are you so aloof?" "you seem distant." Hard to keep my mouth shut.

distant? distant? You're fucking another man and I'm distant???!!! and it's off to the races...

[This message edited by DanielJK at 10:23 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Follow that 180 to the letter. All of it, especially those points about self improvement and doing things for yourself. The best way I found was to treat my XWW with politeness and courtesy... the same way I would talk to the cashier at the store, or the mailman.

You can be cold and aloof without being an asshole. You can listen to what she says, repeat what she said back to her and say "I understand where you are coming from", and then just walk out of the room. You can acknowledge without engaging. Don't engage, that is the secret. I used to do that and it drove my XWW nuts and gave me no end of satisfaction.

You should be making her stay home while you go out. Start doing things for yourself. Buy new clothes, get into good shape, act happy and hopeful whenever you are around her. Act positive even when you are in the dumps. Think Spock.

Whatever you do, do not be her babysitter! Do not stay home with the kids while she goes out. If she goes out, you go out, and you split the cost of the babysitter.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:54 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

ETA - 180 while in the same house is fucking hard for me. Then she does this thing, "boy you're chatty (haha)" "why are you so aloof?" "you seem distant." Hard to keep my mouth shut.

distant? distant? You're fucking another man and I'm distant???!!! and it's off to the races...

First, get yourself a VAR before she gets back from her vacation. No need for a false domestic violence complaint.

Second, I suspect she shall not play the aloof comment game with you any longer after the nuclear exposure. However I could be wrong, if she does just simply go about your day, if she follows up repeat and add "there is nothing between us now, thus just go about your day and I'll go about mine".

I hope you have the leash off your attorney now, time to serious of the numbers and protect yourself.

Westway's suggestions are very appropriate. I know acting is a little hard. But if you do the things you like to do, you won't have to act much. Also, spending as much time outside as possible will make it easier detaching from her. Even if she's at home, go outside. She'll probably wonder where you are doing what. Don't explain if she asks, pass with answers like "not important" "just hanging out".

Seeing that you pity on yourself and that you can't move on is flattering her pride. Don't let that happen. That's why I suggested that you start dating others.

OK so I looked at a few houses...even put a bid on one.

I had no idea how hot and expensive real estate is right now. This sucks.

I have an account with $ that was given to me by my father who is 88. It was to get the assets out of his name for estate planning. It's not a ton of money but will be a decent down payment.

My choice was keep the house and give most of that money from the STBXWW to settle the divorce, sell the house, or I move out. I could not bring myself to give here a fucking dime if I could avoid it...so I said sell the house...she originally said she didn't want it...now she has decided she will keep the house and "buy out" my equity portion. What does that mean? She gets to refinance the house at the payoff price...and I keep all the money in the account my father gave me. Boy did I miscalculate.

Now that sounds good, but now she's refinancing a cheap deal (payoff on the house is half the house value at this point) at low rates...her monthly mortgage is going way down.

I'm now stuck with an impossible real estate market...I will have to use the entire amount in the account for a down payment...on a house with a larger than it should be price tag...now my monthly mortgage skyrockets.

I will not be able to save any money...the kids college accounts will not get any new contributions...and I'm going to go broke.

All while she rides off into the sunset with AP. And the money my father spent his life earning is just not used they way I had hoped.

How fair is that?

I might even have to liquidate retirement assets just to bring my monthly mortgage payment to a level that allows me save money for the kids college.

AND I have to pay $600/month for child support/allimony.

I just cannot believe how this has absolutely crushed my life. I thought I felt bad on dday...I lived with this cheater for a year thinking that she just might come back to me...I'm devastated.

End rant

Daniel - I'm confused about the payoff for the marital home. Was it appraised in today's market?

Given the market, it seems to me the most equal way to approach is to sell the home, pay the debts, split what's left.

I understand that is hard for your kids.

If the settlement docs haven't been signed and the D is not final, you may not necessarily bound to keep the current deal.