SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stay the course. You're doing great. As painful as this is, it's the best way to go.

As soon as she is served, preferably at the same time, notify his wife. She needs to know. Your WW will likely call him immediately after being served. Dont give him a chance to villify you before you notify her.

Hello SpaceGhost. Couple of things. First and foremost, please notify the other betrayed spouse. Hopefully that is still in your plans.

Please don't forget to get yourself tested for STDs.

Also, I was not able to forgive in my sitch either. I'm not preachy if that's right or wrong or even jaded in anyway. I understand why you may cannot forgive her. Here's a recommendation for a good book on that topic if you are interested:

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Spring

http://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314

Good luck to you Space Ghost. I hope you can get to your path for healing soon.

yop

Hey there, Ghost.

I'm glad you checked in... I always worry about people who plan a confrontation and then go dark. Some never return... I hope they find peace. I really do.

I am glad you got some of the answers you need. I am in awe of how well you are executing your plan. I do agree that she is REALLY going to regret this. It sounds like she does love you and she's gotten caught up in something she knows is stupid. It is so very frustrating.

But there are consequences to choices and you are showing her that. That's totally fair.

I feel super sorry for you and especially for your girls. I feel bad that they've witnessed what they thought was a good M, only to now have that illusion shattered. (I know your illusions were shattered too - I don't mean to discount that!) I just see the fallout with my own kids and I am saddened in advance for what your girls will go through. I hope you plan to communicate with them during your golf trip. They will need that, I feel certain.

I'm sending strength and hope for your eventual peace with all of this. Are you going golfing with buddies? I hope it will be the respite you need before starting the next chapter of this mess.

So sorry you have to go through this. Infidelity sucks.

PS: Just have to add my agreement to tell the OBS the same day your W is served. Do it with compassion, because she deserves to know. And it sounds like, if he doesn't want his W to know, that being outed will be a better punishment than any assault!!! Give her a copy of the audio of him, if you can. Then skiddaddle out of town before the bombs explode.

Wow! Deep breath.... You are going to be okay.

There's your answer Ghost, she did it for the fun of it, nothing more. The pain you feel equals the thrill they felt - but on the other side of the spectrum, and much more fleeting. Don't expect for the pain to be over in just one golfing session, you'll probably need some more time. As you can tell for the other posts your story is not singular or unique in fact its rather common, except for the coolness with which you seem to be handling this situation. I did thought you would loose your resolve when you announced you'd be confronting your wife. I wish you to end all golfing holes under par.

Spaceghost for President!

The OMs wife has to be told as soon as possible.

The only thing I wonder about, is your plan on going dark after serving her. Why?

Would she would hurt herself or commit suicide? Especially not being able to talk to you?

I think you're doing great.

I know a lot of people would find it easier to forgive since she is not "in love", but IMO it makes it even worse because she threw everything away for just some "fun". Love would be tougher to bear, but at least less petty.

Absolutely inform OMW:

1. She's in your same situation and deserves to know the truth.

2. OM might not have had any commitments to you, but he partecipated in destroying your M for just a little fun, why let him walk away scot free?

3. Should you ever change your mind and decide to give R a try, you want him busy with his own troubles to mind.

Space Ghost

[quote]Reading the posts from others it sounds like others are able to forgive things like this. I cannot so I guess I may be weak in that sense but I sure loved her and treated her well. At least I found out that she did not intend to go off with him and leave me. But it is hard to believe she cheated for fun with him. I kind of want to rough him up a little but I made the vows with her and not him.

[/quote]

YOU ARE NOT WEAK AT ALL.!!!!!! You are the strongest of the strong because you have refused to sacrifice your dignity and self esteem.

If you do not divorce her, you would have been facing years of wonder, years of therapy, and on top of that you'd have to force her to quit job

(I think he is her boss). You also would have had to deal with this friend and possibly more that were her cheerleaders.

You gave her a chance to save her marriage and her response was to run out and call her boyfriend. She loves him enough to continue to lie her ass off to you and further betray you. And as far as her ending it with him. Well guess, what, he wanted to see, her, had no intention of ending it even after she told him, and as long as his wife did not find out certainly would have tried to get at her again.

Please tell his wife. No, he did not take vows to you. But his wife is clueless and if the situation was reversed you would certainly appreciate her telling you.

I hope that you can get through this week and that you do not postpone this any more. You know everything you need to know with irrefutable evidence, which you really do not even need to show to her. You owe her nothing at this point since her choice was to continue to lie.

I know everyone is going to want to know how you are doing after Friday. I would urge you to stay on this forum for a couple of reasons. It can help you heal talking to those people who have been in your shoes. And secondly, your true strength in dealing with this can serve as an example of what to do and what not to do, and I know your advice would be helpful to others.

Strength to you. And do not second guess yourself or mention the term WEAK again. You are the opposite of that!!!

How do you know you can't forgive her? How do you know you don't want to?

Again, I am a little in awe of your decisiveness in this. I think your plan sounds very good. Should you have a change of heart or mind, there will be time for that.

You are unusual, but that's not a negative. In a perfect world, if everyone behaved as you, I do believe we'd see less infidelity. Swift and severe punishment? Yeah, people would remember that, and alter their behavior.

It just makes me so sad and stunned with incredulity at the stupidity of waywards....the things she is sacrificing just for some fun....it's like leaving the baby out in a locked car while you're in the bar partying. It is absolute insanity. Please let us know how Friday is for you. My guess is that you are going to have to turn off your phone.

Blessings.

Ghost

I could not forgive as well but luckily I was only engaged/ no kids so it was easier to walk away.

People we love lie.

People we love cheat.

People we love get selfish and only think of themselves.

Your wife and the OM are two peas in a pod.

But you know what bothers me (and I'm sure you)even more than her lies or cheating?

The fact that she knows your past history with infidelity in your family and she still committed the crime.

Worse she continues to lie to save her ass when deep down she knows you know.

Burn her. She deserves it. Go dark for the entire week.

Burn the OM. He deserves it to. He deserves his wife to take half of all that he has.

But also burn her friend. Let her husband know just what kind of woman he is married too.

He deserves to know.

Sorry for your pain. And truly sorry for the selfish woman your wife has become.

You are strong and setting a good example for your children.

And Ghost there are three types of battered spouses I have seen.

A. The battered spouse that lost their love for their wayward spouse and divorces them.

B. The battered spouse who still loves their wayward spouse and attempts to reconcile with them.

C. And the battered spouse that loves their wayward spouses reconciles/divorces them and makes them earn back their love, trust and respect for the rest of their lives.

The choice is always yours. Your wayward wife is going to learn that very quickly.

Let us know how you make out. Enjoy the golf and love/hug your kids.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 7:05 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]

This one breaks my heart. I respect you.

But as I said in my first post, you need to think about what happens after the vacation. You are going to have to have the talk. She will probably lie more and also promise the moon. What are your plans? Where will you or she live? You will have to work out all kinds of stuff. Do you plan to go dark? Let your lawyer handle it? I know you feel it's over, but be prepared for anything form her on her knees, to self harm to war mode.

Take care, have a plan. Mostly, know you can't force her out so if you don't want to live with this 24/7 you better have some options figured out.

Also, know that when you tell the kids they will be on the phone to her 10. Seconds after you get out of the room. Timing, dude. Timing.

Best of luck and strength to you.

You are not weak at all. You are beyond strong in your resolve and know what you want to move on with your life.

Your courage is remarkable.

You knew she would lie and she spilled the beans on the VAR. Send the recording to OM's wife.

You rock!

If, after she is served, you are determined to go through with the D, I hope you can get a quick resolution like Cuckold did. 14 days from filing to having the final court date.

Take care of your kids. They'll need it.

Awesome Space. Your resolve is simply awesome. Don't let the reconciliation niks sway you from your plan. For a lot of us here, infidelity is a deal breaker. For us there s just no getting over it. Again, tell the wife of the assclown then sit back an watch the circus !

First of all, I commend you on the following grounds

** You have rules and principles and while stressed and rightfully so, you are decisive and not swimming like a fish like many other BS are (not accusing them of anything wrong here as it's tough).

** You have strong convictions to divorce and have every right to do so and good for you. After what you heard on that VAR, there is no coming back. Your wife and her dirty friend thought this was a game and driving 200 miles to go cheat on their husband is disgusting.

*** Your research and gameplan was excellent and you got all the evidence you needed and played everything right. Good for you.

**** Have a good time on your trip but be prepared for a mix of emotions and maybe even war/dirty tricks or a massive offensive to get you to reconcile when you get back. It may and will happen.

You are far advanced out of the many BS I have seen in life. Now stand your ground and if you ever give in to R, which I don't see and couldn't do in this case, there better be consequences for her.

I feel like you got robbed. You finally are in the clear and looking forward to retirement, you are moral and principled and now this. Not deserved.

Maybe your wife is deep inside a good woman who loved you. However, if you had a relative who moved in and stole your identity, would you tolerate it ??

Your story is as bad as you are good. I have no doubt that you hold the keys to moving past this and succeeding. You deserve better

and like you, I couldn't forgive this. How long have the two of you been married ?

It is my impression that in most cases where the WW is truly remorseful the BH is able to forgive.

Unfortunately, it seems that in most cases that the WW is not truly remorseful.

Good luck.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:20 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]