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Hey SG,

that was a great email you sent. you have taken good care of yourself and done all the right things. whatever you decide to do in the future, it will be prudent and well thought out I am sure.

by the way, a common theme is the very, very bad advice WWs get from their female friends. often toxic advice. my WW certainly got that.

good luck. i wish i were in Florida.

Jack

She did the one thing that could hurt you the most in your life given your history. It blows my mind that she would do that and not see that coming. Really, what did she think it was going to happen?

It's hard enough for those of us that never went through something like that in our families. I think that after you go through it once you don't take shit like that again.

I am curious how she thinks she is going to "prove her love?"

Does she think she has a magical vagina? It got her a thrilling ride on her boses cock. Maybe she thinks it has the power to make you forget what she has done?

Your email to her was clear and precise. You made your position known. You know, one way to describe love is doing what is best for the other person. If she truly loved you, she would let you go. She would want you to be happy.

Instead she pulled some stupid stunt by going out with her friends. She may love you, but I think she lovers herself more.

A man with your convictions and qualities has a bright future ahead. Be encouraged. B

You've undertaken good actions here. I agree, she should keep the kids out of it. And I'd tell her to not come to where you are. And for the love of St. Patrick's don't have sex with her, you don't want to get her pregnant or get an STD from her.

Best wishes!

To prove her love....wtf....I think having her f#ck buddy on the side definately DISPROVES HER LOVE FOR YOU!!!!

SG, your email says it all, you have reiterated what you have already shown your WW by your actions and words.

Please don't get hoovered back in, her flying down to you serves no purpose other than pouring salt in the wound...

remember, no contact = no new hurts !

Now back to your golf....

She still doesn't realize that the only choice to make is to accept or not.

SG,

I would make it clear to her you will not meet with her if she flies down, that by doing so is just further proof of her complete and utter disrespect for you. I would tell her you are the victim and her insistence on not respecting your decision to go no contact is selfish. That she needs to realize she made adult decisions and they come with real life consquences.

Tell her you can not make her feel better about her choices nor is there a chance in hell at reconciliation. That you have your own overwhelming pain to deal with. That you play golf as a game, not play people which is her and her friends game of choice.

I would also tell her using your children to get a response is over. That she needs to understand she is choosing to her needs over theres with involving them. Tell her she chose this path now she needs to deal with it with her ic and her support system which no longer includes you.

Seriously I would send her parents an copy of the email telling them this was a choice she knew you would make and you can not be her support, they need to be or get her in a mental health faculty.

I do not think your wife understands there is no fixing this.

Tell her any communication should be about kids and finances and you won't respond to anything else.

I am the same as you, SpaceGhost. I read the stories in JFO and get angry for the betrayed. I also get angry at the betrayed because I see them doing the same things I did and I don't want them to have parts of my life.

I cannot tell you if you are doing the right thing or not. It is your decision. You are the one who has to live with it. What I can do is support you in the decision you make and I can try to point out things that I wonder if you have considered in your decision.

Adultery was a deal breaker for you. Period. It was for me to but, apparently, not period. Our daughters were in university when the post-marriage LTA started. I was suspicious but had no proof. Never actually got proof. Didn't want to upset daughters during their university studies. Then they started getting married, then started having our grandchildren. Time passed and 11 years later the final confrontation and DDay.

You are doing what I should have done 12 years ago. I would have 12 years of my life back. You mention the reaction of your WW once you filed for D. That, according to the many stories on SI, is typical. Once the realization that they are not invisible and can be found out and the consequences become reality panic sets in. Shock and awe. You did everything right. That is why you have so much admiration here. It is what I wish I had done.

I dream about that now - nightmare, really. You blew up her fantasy world of rainbow farting unicorns. I wish I had done the same and so do so many others. My WW simply got tired of AP after almost 4 years and even then she stayed in some contact with him through work.

I go on to much about myself in your thread. You seem to be a person of conviction. I repeat that I would like you to examine all options and scenarios and will support you in the decisions you make for yourself.

Spacehhost, I think you are doing fine

I still think you are doing the right thing.

You set a boundary and your STBXWW crossed it knowing what would happen if she did.

I set a similar boundary but let my fWW cross it just to save my M. You did what I should have done

over 30 years ago.

I'm proud of you for sticking to your convictions and hope that you can find happiness.

Hey SG. I'm going to give you the same advice I just mentioned in S&D...

*crickets*

If you are going D, *crickets* is definitely the way to go. No contact = no new hurts as others have said and as you have experienced with your mother. You've got this. The philosophy is the same as it with your mother. Since your kids are old enough, the only thing you may need to discuss is finances but that should be it. Once the D is in place, there should be no other need to communicate with your WW.

Honestly, if you are going ahead with D, you do not need the details of what she did and how she did it in regards to sex with her AP. You would need those details to fill in the puzzle if you were going to try and R, but not needed for D. She's being selfish and still trying to protect herself. Understandable as no one wants to look like the bad guy and she probably doesn't want to be forced to look at what she did. However, if you are truly done with her, why only cause yourself more pain and put yourself through those details if you're going to have nothing to do with her afterwards. Let that sex details go and on to D.

*crickets* from you.

I would ask you to keep your kids in mind re everyone's future together. I unfortunately had to endure my mother a lot longer than you did and wasn't until this past May able to go completely NC with her. As such, my mother made a spectacle out of herself as the victim and played it up at my graduation, my wedding, my kids bdays, anything where my father was or had some sort of a presence whether he was there or not. My mother put herself and the D front and center. I know you would NOT put any undo pressure on your kids, but your soon to be ex very well might. She's still acting selfish and may put the kids in the middle of shit because she has no other way of getting at you/to you. My wedding now has the memory of my mother making issues on who had to be seated where, etc. Not saying that you would do this, but be cognizant of the fact that your stbxww would. It gets infinitely more complicated once you both start seeing other people in the future as well and taking your future partners with you to family events where you both may be present. Take that into consideration when you are with your kids at future milestone events in your life with their graduations, weddings, grandkids, whatever.

You're doing the right thing SG. Focus on yourself and continue to detach from your stbx. You are on your way out of infidelity. Keep going.

yop

ETA - "If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:30 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

Hi ghost. Just thought I'd mention a few things. You've said a few times that you've told her that she deserves better. The thing is this makes no sense. She had a LTA. Its wasn't just a one night stand. And then she decided to pick someone up at a bar. So why would you say that someone that does this deserves a better spouse. And you even apologise for not taking her back. I'm not saying you should wish her ill but you seem to still have her on a pedestal. You're just feeding her ego by saying the marriage is ending because you're not a good enough husband and she deserves to be with someone so much better. Which isn't true.

Do you think the OM deserves better if his wife leaves him. Because there is no difference between the two. He cheated on his wife to sleep with your wife. She cheated on you to sleep with her husband.

I just think you should do what some others have. No more interaction unless it's to do with the divorce. Work on yourself and also help your kids through this. I would tell them that you need to cut contact with the wife to help you heal and that no matter what happens between you two that you both will be there for them.

You've said a few times that you've told her that she deserves better. The thing is this makes no sense. She had a LTA. Its wasn't just a one night stand. And then she decided to pick someone up at a bar.

I want to clarify this and not to defend my wife but I don't think this is quite right. My wife had an affair and it had been going on total around 3 months. She did not try to pick up anyone her friends pulled a stunt so that I am certain of. My son was at home so I am certain she did not do anything or even want to do anything. They we stupid... I will leave it at that.

And when I say she deserves better I mean EVERYONE should have their spouse love them like they are the most important person in the world. I look at her as used up and gross after having screwed her boss. I think I deserve to have a woman who will not betray me. My soon to be ex-wife deserves to have someone who adores her.

I was that guy but not anymore. Like you all have said no contact is the way to go.

Very good post, SG007. I agree with you, divorcing will give both of you the option of finding someone right for them. And yes, no contact is the way to go, I'm glad you agree and I hope she'll respect that.

Best wishes!

And when I say she deserves better I mean EVERYONE should have their spouse love them like they are the most important person in the world. I look at her as used up and gross after having screwed her boss. I think I deserve to have a woman who will not betray me. My soon to be ex-wife deserves to have someone who adores her.

I was that guy but not anymore.

Can't say it any better than that.

Good luck moving forward.

SG:

You are the only one that can figure out if you should try R or D.

As you have said, everyone make their own choices based on what they think they can and want to do.

The only thing you can do right now is try to think what would be like to try to R.

What would it take for her to do and understand, to make you even consider R.

If there is nothing then do as you been doing so far, go dark on her, get D ASAP and start your new life. You should spare your self all the drama and details about her A. As there is nothing she can do spare this pain to her as well.

If there is a chance, I mean a real chance, you should give it a try. Notice that this is the must painful path you can choose and the outcome is unknown. Some people can R some can not. Be aware that R is not a promise, if you want to try and after 1 year you want to D is totally your right.

Other way is give it time. Get D and move on, date, have fun, etc. After a year or more, when your are happy again and you've healed, if you and her feel like you can start dating each other. This is long shot as you may find a GF and she could find a BF who knows. But maybe tthis is the best way.

You will be related to your WW the rest of your life as she is the mother of your kids so chose very careful as thre are things that can be undone. Ask her to keep IC and get some fot you too.

Its so sad that someone would destroy their marriage for a little extra validation and attention. Now she doesn't get to grow old with you and she has to look around for a replacement, when frankly there aren't a lot of good men available. Not up to your caliber anyway.

What is also stupid is her decision not to come clean with the sex details. Now you get to think the bedroom romps were mind-blowing orgasmic heaven, which presumably she didn't experience with you. She would have been far better describing them as meaningless, not leaving it to your imagination.

I feel a need to second what Mrhealed wrote. I am not saying you need or should do this. I am just suggesting, like he is, to give it some consideration.

I really believe you did the right thing with shock and awe. Hit quick, hit hard. I wish I did. Just suggesting that you consider the possibility of R. Don't provide any hope for that to WW or even suggest it as a remote possibility. Watch from a distance and give it time.

In the early 1990s a friend's wife committed adultery. He was heartbroken, raged, lost weight, all the things we experience and read about. He was the first close aquaintance I know of that experienced this. I had so much empathy for him and somewhat understood his anguish. Now I know fully. He initially wanted to try and R but she did not. After some time (I don't know how long) she wanted to try R but he refused. I called him last year about my situation. He told me that even so many years later he wishes he would have tried to R with her. He feels he should have given it a try.

Again, I am not saying you need to do this. I am simply offering it as a suggestion to consider. The choice is yours. It is your life. You need to do what is best for you.

Look after yourself.