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Forcing sex acts is totally different than this and I feel you know it is different. I mean, I really hope you know the difference. Really hope.

Is it different, of course. And yes, I know it's different. But I think what you're really saying is "it's acceptable to force someone to sign away assets/sit for a lie detector, but not acceptable to demand require sexual acts". If so, no, I do not agree, not at all.

Let me put it this way. I'd FAR rather do any sexual act you can imagine, it would be dramatically less "scarring" to me than to sign away financial assets. Including things that are totally outside the lines and things I know I would find painful/humiliating. I'd be much faster to do that, anything, IF I thought it would help and it was important to my W's healing.

Assuming that demanding a sexual act is somehow "worse" that demanding a financial act is an absolute falsehood (as I personally show, but I feel this would be the case for many). And we're totally comfortable demanding lots of things that I personally, would find a lot more "damaging" to me personally than any sexual act you can imagine.

Demeaning other people will not make anyone feel better. Demeaning other people will not heal our wounds. In fact, you will harm yourself more when you demean others. There are healthy ways to cope and heal, demeaning, dehumanizing and degrading others is not a healthy way to cope and heal.

SMS, I find this hypocritical seeing how you refer to the OW in your situation. I can't recall ever seeing you post anything other than demeaning or derogatory names or references to your WH's AP. You call her a cumbucket, easy lay, and "It". Hell, you basically make it sound like she was on demand sex for your WH. Are you harming yourself when you post that stuff? Is that hindering your healing? It's laughable really.

Yet you want to lecture some poor BH's about what assholes they are for expecting, or simply wanting, the same sex acts their cheating wife did with her AP. Those acts weren't degrading then, why would they be degrading now? It's fucking ridiculous for a WW to deny her BH any act that she did with her AP.

Luckily for her, my WW was smart enough to know this.

If forcing sex is okay, I hope EVERY BW busy a strap on and tells her WH to get ready and bend over.

Yet you want to lecture some poor BH's about what assholes they are for expecting, or simply wanting, the same sex acts their cheating wife did with her AP. Those acts weren't degrading then, why would they be degrading now? It's fucking ridiculous for a WW to deny her BH any act that she did with her AP.

Sometime I feel like I'm in a parallel universe when I read the retorts to comments like this. Honestly, IMHO (and only mine), if any WS, male or female, did things with the AP that they refuse to do with their spouse, be it emotional (love letters), physical (trips to Paris), or sexual (anal sex), the should just walk out the door and save their BS the pain and heartbreak. And the really crazy thing; sex is the only thing that's exclusive to marriage, if you want to go to Paris and your H/W doesn't, you can still go. Want to get love letters, hire a writer and have them sent to yourself. It's only sex where there is no substitute; there's no parity to be achieved, "deal with it" and the WS was "broken" is the answer for the BS. How in the heck is that reasonable for sex, but not reasonable for anything else the AP was given from the WS?

Boggles the mind. Even more so in that I can't even conceive of doing something sexually for my AP that I wouldn't (or haven't) my W.

If forcing sex is okay, I hope EVERY BW busy a strap on and tells her WH to get ready and bend over.

I will speak for myself, if I were a WH, engaged in pegging with my AP, and had a choice, "bend over" or sign a slanted post nup (something we all agree is reasonable in many/most cases), I'd gladly bend over. Here's the thing, I did it with my AP, I obviously wanted to do it with her, why not my W?

Also, even if I didn't enjoy it, the thought that my W enjoyed it would be enough for me. I do a lot of sexual things that bring me no pleasure for her pleasure, as do most people (oral sex, for example). If I thought she really wanted to peg me, and I thought it would help her heal, and I did with my AP? I wouldn't even think about it, I really wouldn't. It's not that bad, and sex doesn't always have to be all about my personal pleasure.

Yeah, that is the way I talk about OW/It here at SI. I do not have a relationship in any way shape or form with OW. I do not have the ability to demean, degrade and dehumanize It IRL. When you want to do these things or do these things to people IRL, especially to those you profess to love, that is a problem.

We are talking about husbands and wives here in regards to threesomes and other sex acts, not about AP's. I also said (please use your reading comprehension skills) the problem I had was with the word "should". No one needs to be told what they "should" do. It is not respecting their ability to make choices that are right for them and their personal situation.

Stop making shit up, sftk. I did not post that any BH was an asshole. ETA: Had to change my sarcastic remark as some don't get sarcasm. Had to change it from "Yeah, I called the BH's assholes. " No where did I imply or say that BH's are assholes.

eta: to add to sentence to clarify

P.S. The term I use is "cumdumpster" not "cumbucket". I don't ever recall calling It an "easy lay" as that just isn't something I would say. Maybe an easy fuck, but not an "easy lay".

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:44 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

We "force" all kinds of conditions for R; no contact, a timeline, lie detectors, financial restructuring (post nup)

Nope. When R works, the WS is given a free choice to meet the requirements or end the M. No force is involved. No manipulation is involved. It's a simple contract. (And, BTW, the WS can have his own requirements for R.)

So can someone make requirements around sex? Sure. At least, I hope so, since I did. But I've always seen the technical aspects of sex to be minor considerations. Technique is easily trumped by commitment.

An analogy may be the child prodigy who can play the notes of, say, the Beethoven Violin Concerto compared to an adult who has studied and lived with the music and knows it's much more than the notes. Or the baseball player whose traditional statistics are great compared to the guy who knows how to help the team play better and whose Moneyball numbers are great.

One of the things about making certain sex acts a requirement for R is that it seems based on a ticket-punching approach to R. What good is it if the partner simply submits to the act and spaces out during it? How can that possibly help R?

With, for example, anal sex, maybe the BH feels powerful while doing it. If the fWW spaces out, that feeling of power is delusional and useless - counter-productive, in all likelihood - to R, IMO. How can R be built on a falsehood?

That wasn't literal.

it's intent is to show how unfun sex on demand is and/or sarcasm.

SMS, as much as I like seeing you backpedal, I'm not getting drawn into another pissing match with you. You'll get butthurt and tattle to the mods before you ever admit that someone else's point may have a sliver of validity.

Speaking of valid slivers, anyone know how you get frozen dog nail out of your thumb? Maybe i should ask a groomer....

I think that it was a foolhardy suggestion and going a step further I’ve never even seen a revenge affair heal a single damn thing.

It’s like a doctor prescribing a Cheeto for the Flu. There is literally no relationship between the two

I in no way advocate doing anything sexually as a punishment to a WS. Only as a means to heal the BS. And maybe it’s more a male thing, but maybe not, as I have seen BW here have the same feelings of inferiority learning they got sexual economy class tickets while the AP got first class and champagne.

My post was meant constructively, albeit in this situation misguided. And I also believe truly remorseful WS will WANT to give the BS whatever they need to heal, and often for men it’s sexual equality. It may not be nice, it may not be politically correct, but it’s just kind of.. the truth that most BHs feel. I doubt you’d find a single BH here that’s said, “yeah listen my wife denied swallowing for me for years and I accepted it because it was a universal truth of the relationship, but AP was different, it wasn’t real feelings, and now that we are in R, I’m ok being denied again” it just doesn’t really happen.

That’s being said, force is the wrong term. Condition might be better. The BS can make it a term of R, and a smart and remorseful WS will acknowledge WHY the BS needs it, and out of love, ensure they give it gladly, and actually enjoy it because they do love the BS and want to try and make right their wrongs. In fact most successful WS I see here in Reconcilaiton Have Done it. If they don’t, the BS is free the leave the relationship and Have their needs met, and theWS hasn’t no reason to say they couldn’t understand why R didn’t work.

But force, nah that’s hasn’t no place in the equation.

Also, the strap on comment- look that would be the worst night of my life, but if I let my AP do it to me, I wouldn’t hesitate to let’ my BS do it, because I’d understand the why...

[This message edited by nicenomore at 7:50 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

Well the argument has now turned from the intent of the original thread, “threesomes,” to the ever popular, “you must do for me sexually what you did for him.”

While the sexual argument has merit, and has been argued ad nauseum, the original post was not about sex between the two partners, but bringing a third into a sexual relationship with either one or both partners.

Now it’s been said that it can be done in a way to bring about justice, or help the partner experience variety. Well then, just be real and call a spade a spade....you want to cheat because you were cheated on. That’s it. Go do it and stop with the mystical threesome unicorn, emotionless, single and willingly to sleep with both of you so you can “heal.”

Well green I did. And I own it. And if you noticed, I apologized about the initial suggestion, and recognized that while I meant well, it was misguided. So please do me a favor and just as I did, learn when to put the guns down.

I was merely responding to shift in the topic, which I believed has merit. And to revisit the original topic, no, while not for everybody, including the posters I gave the suggestion to, a threesome in some contexts is not cheating. Depends on the people. I was cognizant enough to recognize when my suggestions while well meaning, were off base. If you missed it, check the thread.

And in response to the shifted topic, unrelated to the threesome suggestion, unless it was given to the AP, sexual acts given an AP, really any thing given an AP, should be ok for a bs to expect as a term of reconciliation. Doesn’t mean the WS has to do it, but can’t then cry foul of the BS leaves them over it. Also doesn’t mean then that the BS has to accept it and stay. Simple enough I presume

[This message edited by nicenomore at 8:35 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that only you could continue posting your opinions on this active thread.

And, perhaps you should re-read my last post. I stated that the sex argument between partners had merit. Guess you missed that part.

I didn’t draw a gun. I posted my opinion. If you don’t like it, skip over it next time.

Sex is the number focus for me after DD. I've since found out that my WW initially stopped being intimate with me often before M because of some BS resentments that she made up in her head and held against me. During her 4 year long affair she had sex almost daily at work, anal sex, sex in public, you name it. She also intentionally withheld sex from me and ate chips every night instead of sleeping with me. I got drunken maintenance sex 2-4 times a month and that's it. She literally had sex with OM over 500 times in the course of 4 years. She had more anal sex with him than regular sex with me. She had more sex with him during our entire marriage than with me.

Now? We have sex almost everyday. I will never be subjected to that type of abuse ever again. I don't even want to pleasure myself ever again because that just brings feelings of shame and rejection now.

I require new and exciting sexual experiences. She is only the 2nd partner I've ever had so I'm very limited in what I was doing. I never degraded her sexually because she was my wife and I respected her. After hearing what she allowed OM to do now I don't see her the same way. She isn't special to me so now I can do those same things. Also, she had an ONS with a girl she met online. I didn't even know she was bisexual! So now I want a 3some! She offered it up and I want to do it. For the experience, to watch her get excited and for me to be with someone new.

Yeah it might not be the ideal relationship anymore but she was more than happy being OM's side piece slut so at least she is now my slut. Which is the way it should have always been from the beginning. If women don't want to be treated that way then stop having affairs!!!! Your husband will never respect you again after that.

Guys only use you for sex!!!! It seems like many WW never get that concept. They believe all of the lies and fake feelings to get treated like a porn star for someone who's invested nothing into them and will leave them the instant they are caught.

The reason you did it for so thing comes up is both sides have merit.

What I can say is it needs to be resolved. If you cheat on someone you are asking a lot. To put additional conditions on it would put everything at risk.

I simply do not expect relationship like tat to last.

The reason you did it for so thing comes up is both sides have merit.

What I can say is it needs to be resolved. If you cheat on someone you are asking a lot. To put additional conditions on it would put everything at risk.

I simply do not expect relationship like tat to last.

If all she's ever going to be is your slut, why not let her go?Hell, free yourself. You can find a healthy relationship later down the road after some healing.

I think what skins is highlighting is that he too wants the sexual exploration he was denied. His wife was happy to make another man happy but reject him. Now he isn’t trying to punish her, but to even consider taking her back, he tolerating being limited sexually, and his wife is happy to indulge for him. I can’t say it will save his marriage, or take away his pain, but in my mind, she is demonstrating that is willing to do anything to try and make it up for him, and simultaneously, he gets to not feel like he missed out too much. I don’t think it’s a question about reconciliation, as much as it is doing right by the BS wishes and giving them a chance to not feel as rejected. Of course, Sassy, he could very well leave her, and find someone good for him. But if he wants this, why not let him enjoy the experience, and anything else he can with her, then make his decision? It’s the least she could do for him and she is willing...