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She has said she doesn't want to just throw away our marriage. Yet she spent the entire week with the guy. Told me thinks counseling will help us.

She ALREADY threw away the marriage.. or does she think there's a counselor out there somewhere who can provide her with a time machine so she can go un-fuck the guy?

She's throwing you scraps, man. I'm sorry about that, but it's pretty typical. She's not sure how things are going to work out with this OM and wants to keep you around as a fall-back. That's not respect. And you can't R without genuine contrition and respect.

This is going to sound sexist, I know. But women typically have 20 times LESS testosterone than men. What that means is that she didn't do this because she was horny. She did it because she wasn't afraid of losing you. She might like the attention, or the sense of illicit romance, or feel like the marriage wasn't making her hap-hap-happy enough, or a thousand other reasons. But essentially it all comes down to the same thing... she wanted to do what she did and she was completely willing to lose you over it.

And now she has. She needs to feel the loss. She needs to KNOW that you're the prize worth chasing, and chase she must. Nothing less will assuage your hurt.

Guys come in here all the time... desperate to save it because they just found out. Over time though, the hurt begins to fester. The longer they do the pick-me dance, the longer they hold onto hope, the angrier they get. And not just with the cheating WW, but with themselves.

It happens to women too, but again... sorry to sound sexist, the hit at the ego level is extra hard on men. So often, your sense of accomplishment is not only in providing for your families, but in making them emotionally happy, (and in making your wife sexually happy). It ends up feeling like failure. It's not, but our upper logic is so loosely connected with our emotional brain, the message is hard to receive and accept.

In the land of equality, it's still a hard truth that men and women are wired differently. We have the same range of emotions, but not the same processing. That's not to minimize anybody's pain, but you need to understand that after the JFO stage, there's more to come.

She's going to have to chase you down, prove to you again and again that SHE is worthy of you, not the other way around. Anything less is not going to be enough. Your pride will eventually accept nothing less. So, if that means pulling the plug on the marriage because she's not willing to run the extra mile, pull the plug. At that point, it's only the difference of ripping the band-aid suddenly rather than peeling it slowly.

I'm so sorry.

My ExW got a boob job. I told her not to get them. She said "I'm getting them for me". Ha ha. Bunch of crock.

There were quite a few guys in our marriage who got to enjoy them (without my knowledge).

You know why I bailed on my ExW? Because her Entitlement trumped my commitment. She always justified everything.

Run my friend.

Going to inform the side of her family today. Will just call them in an hour or two and offer evidence with the pictures of texts I have.

Ego hit is definitely there, especially after knowing they had a week together and were probably doing it every night. Atleast I know it's normal.

Find it difficult looking at her now. Just thinking that another man was/is making love to her and she is loving it.

Also thinking about telling my parents. We had a good marriage, a lot of sex. When our youngest left for school and when I would get home she would be nude on the couch waiting for me. Told me she wanted me to make love to her in every area of the house.

So no I don't understand any of this.

[This message edited by yankees99 at 7:55 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

One of the texts should be the cowgirl one. That'll get their attention.

Make sure you read the Chamomile post. My wife had to pursue me for a long time, I could not have continued in the marriage otherwise. I always had a lot of confidence, and still did, I had a lot of girlfriends who made me think I was more than enough, but the cheating did a number on me. The making her happy emotionally and sexually hit close to home for me.

The being naked on the couch waiting for you is real nice, but I've only heard of it on TV or movies satirically. Depending on how often it happened, it's on the further end of the scale. It shows a behavior on the far side of a scale of common behavior, and makes me question how was she in other parts of her life. I would suggest that something was starting to happen in her changing at that point. Assuming that only started when the kids went to college, was she similarly sexual throughout your marriage?

Chamo's post is pure gold. It has distilled down the essential dynamics of the sitch. Keep reading it as you move forward. It will help you gauge your wife's state of mind and her actions.

The exposure to family will help you. Yes, it is a natural consequence of her actions. And that is reason enough to do it.

It helps you in two ways. One, it overcomes the narrative that she is been building. She will still spew her false narrative, but people will be able to bounce it against your truth. Second, it shows you are authentic and transparent in your future actions no matter what they might be. People will see a basis for what you do.

Here is the next thing you will see from her as you file and expose: "I acknowledge I have made a mistake, I want to save the marriage, Yankee is unwilling to give me a chance, he is preventing me from making up for this, he will not give me a chance, yada, yada, yada".

This is when you will get the full court press from her parents, and perhaps your family to "work things out".

Yankee, today are you out of infidelity? You can't recover from infidelity until you are out of it. Keep doing everything you can to get out of infidelity.

Exposure with proof is important for her family because this may be a "one and done" shot with them. Exposure to family, the kids and friends doesn't have to have the proof (especially the kids). Exposure can be simple statements like "She brought a third person into our marriage and that was unacceptable to me", "Mom had a boyfriend and that was unacceptable to me", or, for the right audience, "She was fvcking another dude."

Yankee, you're doing great. Stay strong, keep posting. You'll get all the support in the world here.

So, you're going to let someone else tell your daughters? God only knows what the story will be by the time they hear it. Probably their mothers side. She will have them convinced you started cheating so she did.

You should tell them now.

They need at least one honest parent with some integrity and backbone.

Well sex was never the issue in our marriage wk55hn. She always seemed satisfied with our life in the bedroom. Which is another reason why this just hurts me so much.

She said it wasn't even about sex with the guy. What? why was she sleeping with him then? I will not understand this.

I originally did not want our kids to know due to it potentially effecting their schooling, but they are coming home for spring break so I guess I can break it to them when they come home.

Yankee , it's because that's how she keeps the ego kibbles coming. It's hard to understand, but it's true.

The bright side is if the divorce gets finalized no custody issues and she has said she doesn't want much of our stuff, guilt I assume.

Be forewarned: when it comes time to talk about the settlement, she'll ask for everything she's entitled to and more.

She has said she doesn't want to just throw away our marriage. Yet she spent the entire week with the guy. Told me thinks counseling will help us.

She already threw it away. Counseling will be very good for her -- it keeps you quiet while she goes on with her affair. Don't fall for it.

We had a good marriage, a lot of sex. When our youngest left for school and when I would get home she would be nude on the couch waiting for me. Told me she wanted me to make love to her in every area of the house.

So no I don't understand any of this.

Sounds like what they call a mid-life crisis. I'm inclined not to believe in such things but, who knows, sometimes people just seem to snap. Like they used to say on the radio, "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men [and women]?"

I originally did not want our kids to know due to it potentially effecting their schooling, but they are coming home for spring break so I guess I can break it to them when they come home.

Good idea.

Probably best at this point to spend less time trying to figure her out and more time working on yourself, doing things that will rebuild your self-esteem.

Probably best at this point to spend less time trying to figure her out and more time working on yourself, doing things that will rebuild your self-esteem.

Compelling need to quote Alchemy's wisdom for easy perusal.

Informed her parents of the affair. Told them she spent the week at his place letting out her inner slut (Yes I did use that term) was probably in bad taste but I was angry. They're very disappointed in her and told me they will support whatever I want to do.

As far as I can tell the co worker is still in the picture. I mean she hasn't said she was going no contact. Told me she scheduled us a marriage counseling appointment. Wtf?! what good is that if the affair is still going on?

Just understand that her parents will always take her side. You'll say affair, they'll say reconciliation. They might sound good now, but be prepare for the switch.

Do not get angry with them. Just understand that it's their kid you're talking about.

Stay strong.

Expose further if she is still in the affair. She will focus on handling her parents. If you expose wide and large she'll get knocked onto her heels.

Going to a marriage counselor,while she is actively engaged in an affair, is a waste of time and money.

Tell her no.

Tell her all the therapy in the world won't do any good as long as she leaves the appointment to go fuck another man.

You need to start taking steps to get yourself out of infidelity. You need to file for divorce. If that wakes her up...ok. If not, then at least you stop being her doormat.

Yea, MC is a waste of money while she is still seeing OM. Don't go, it can do more harm than good. While you would suspect the MC to focus on the affair many focus on "problems in the marriage" trying to give = time to both of you. It will be frustrating hearing her complain and blame-shift trying to take the focus off of her and the affair.

Tell her no MC while she is still having an Affair with OM.

How did she react to you telling her parents?

By scheduling MC she thinks the affair is an "us " problem , but its really a "her " problem. Typical response by waywards. We all make mistakes in our marriages, but none of those caused the other spouse to cheat.

I would tell her to cancel marriage counselling because there is no marriage since the affair.

Good move on exposing to her parents. You must be the one to tell your adult kids about her betrayal. If she exposes, it will be spun into how she was unhappy for years and waited for them to finish school and go off to college.

If she still working with OM, then the affair is still on. She will probably have sex in his car at lunch or at a minimum give him a BJ. She wants to keep him in play. As a newly divorced man, he's probably not going to want a serious relationship with a adulteress divorcee.

If possible, you should pack her belongings and drive her and her shit to the OMs place when he has his kids. Tell POS, "Here you go, you can have her." Tell your STBXW "Go be a mommy to another woman's kids."

In other words, BOLDLY blow it all up.

If you can't do that, take her shit and put it in a guess room. Put a lock on master bedroom. You need bold action. Your weak reaction in the beginning is what emboldened her to disrespect you with going to live with OM for the week.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 9:43 PM, March 9th (Thursday)]

As far as I can tell the co worker is still in the picture. I mean she hasn't said she was going no contact. Told me she scheduled us a marriage counseling appointment. Wtf?! what good is that if the affair is still going on?

Happens all the time here, kid. All the time. Think about this - she walked out the door, spent a week with him, and just walked back in, la de da. How fucked up in the head must she be? Should anything surprise you after that? The answer is "No!" nothing should surprise you. She is messed up, has no moral bearings.

What she has is two guys, she can't decide, stay with the reliable old car and the new used car. Can't she just do both? If she sets up a counselor, will you just please let her? If you really loved her, you would want her to be happy. Having both of you now, until she can figure it out, makes her happy. Don't you love her enough to do that? Don't you understand? She has feelings, too. This isn't easy for her, either. It was very hurtful of you to tell her parents. Look into her mind. Can't you see this?

By the way, did she find out you told her parents, yet? She's going to be pissed at you! This was supposed to be just between the two of you (oh yeah, and that other guy, too - just the three of you). None of anyone else's business, airing your dirty laundry like that.

"I'm sorry I hurt you but I'm not sorry I did it." If she comes at you about telling your parents, respond back with that old chestnut. Another one I like is "All I did was tell them the truth. What the F do you have against the truth? Since when did you become the anti-truth crusader? That week with the other dude, did that dude stick anti-truth serum into you that whole week?"

[This message edited by wk55hn at 11:25 PM, March 9th (Thursday)]

You're right she is mad at me now. This is all so surreal. Few months ago she would tell me how much she loved me and she still can't believe she is so lucky to have me in her life. Present day she has found comfort in another mans arms and bed. All I think about is was she saying this stuff to him, was she doing all this stuff with him, did she enjoy him more than me. These are unhealthy thoughts I know.

She told me to leave and go live with that "whore I'm sleeping with" the mutual friend. But later took back those statements. Funny how she thinks she has the right to call other women whores.

Not only is she a liar but delusional too I see.