SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not possible to see into the future clear enough to answer all the questions and address all the concerns/fears that you have right now. It's enough just to acknowledge all of those concerns but don't let yourself get caught up in the "what if" game. Stay focused on the here & now and count on nothing really going the way you thought it would. That's ok - that's real life. It's your goal that needs to be clear and your desire to get there. The path is not nearly as important as you think it is.

First I want to say thank you to all who have been posting advice, goodwill and sharing your collective experience with me.

Special thanks to Catwoman and M1965.

I've been sitting in my office thinking about the last several years, the death of my son and the divorce of another.

During my son's discovery of his wife's serial adultery and the planned divorce he called me one day crying. I gave him what I thought was sound advice at the time, but today I'm not so certain it was good advice.

One question he asked me still sticks out in my mind. He said, "Dad, is it too late for me to save my marriage?" Then he burst into tears again.

The impending serving of the divorce papers is causing the same emotions in me. Am I doing the right thing? Is it too late to fix things in favor of staying in the marriage? Will serving her snowball into something worse?

I am going to internalize all those questions and possible answers and continue on this same trek, but the thoughts are causing me massive anxiety and sadness.

When my son's body was found in his bedroom he was staring at a poster his mom gave him and it had the words "I have loved you with an everlasting love."

Now that my marriage is dying or dead I am wondering whether my wife is going to look back and remember that I also loved her with an everlasting love.

I'm feeling very insecure at the moment. I hate all the emotions flooding through me. I feel like I am getting ready to attend the funeral of something I really loved: My marriage.

I know my three remaining children are going to call me tomorrow and ask me WTH am I doing...I know they love their mom, but why not ask her the same question.

I just got a text from my wife. She says, "Having tons of anxiety. I've been traumatized or it feels like it. My chest is tight, my stomach aches and the doctor won't give me meds unless I come in for an appointment. Talking to you would help. Can we talk?"

She's been traumatized?

She says she wants me to trust her again and come home. There will be no need to have access to her phone, Facebook, email etc., because, after all now she knows how to have an affair.

I have no idea what that means, but it seems disturbing and not a compelling reason for me to consider even being in the same state as her.

I cannot recollect which thread it was, it may even have been yours but the BS spent all his time calling his WW 'batshit crazy'. That seems to be a most appropriate term for your wife. lol

I just got a text from my wife. She says, "Having tons of anxiety. I've been traumatized or it feels like it. My chest is tight, my stomach aches and the doctor won't give me meds unless I come in for an appointment. Talking to you would help. Can we talk?"

She's been traumatized?

More attempts at manipulating you.

Rid yourself of the toxic woman who used to be your wife. Stay the course. You will recover. You will heal. You will find peace.

The next 72 hours will be amoungst the worst of your life. Here is no changing that . You can accept it knowing that this awful road is one well-worn with your friends here at SI. We will help you through every step of the way.

This is your help now: stay 200% radio silent. Shut your phone off.

36:

There is no saving your marriage in its current iteration. Make no mistake it is dead. Killed in spectacular fashion by your callous remorseless WW.

There could be a time in the future that could see a rebirth of a new relationship if that is a direction that you so choose, although admittedly I can't for the life of me imagine why you would want to do this after what she has done to you in the last year.

Based on your Wife's reactions to this point I honestly believe that she wants the divorce, it is the only explanation for her behavior and continued lack of remorse. I've seen in her, entitlement that shows a level of contempt for you that I have never seen before.

When you are asking about whether you are making a mistake going forward with divorce, think long and hard about how you could possibly continue to live in your current situation, being treated the way that you have been. Would you be able to find a place of happiness in your life if you continued to live with someone who has shown such little regard for you or your feelings that she was capable of treating you the way she has?

You ask if serving her will snowball into something worse, I can't imagine it getting any worse than the hell your already in. You're living in a hotel, having found out that your wife was sleeping with another guy and you're just supposed to shut up and suck it up. To bad if it costs you your self respect, manhood and any sense of peace of mind.

The sooner you are out of her drama the sooner you are going to find piece of mind and happiness.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 4:53 PM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

36,

I haven't posted a lot to your thread but I have been following and praying for you.

So I may be way off base to chime in but I wanted to say that everything you are feeling is understandable. Regardless of how horrid your WW has treated you (no one knows this better than you) you simply can't turn off 36 years of marriage and life.

Adding to the trigger of the loss of your son, you are understandably sad.

Perhaps being served will wake her up and she can find her way to be remorseful and perhaps not.

I do think you should move forward with your plan as sad and hurtful as it will be. It will be moving you out of infidelity and that is truly what you need and deserve.

I just wanted to say you have been heard and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

((hugs 36))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:56 PM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

"Having tons of anxiety. I've been traumatized or it feels like it.

It's still all about her.

Get away for awhile, get out in the sunshine.

You will make it. You've got friends and support here.

36 what a journey it has been. My favourite saying is something good always comes from something not so good. Yes 36 years are gone, and so has the wife you were happily married to but you are already preparing yourself for a new life and a better relationship albeit a fraction too soon but who cares your vision is for happier days. Good men like you never sit on the shelf for long either. You have remained so honourable through such deep deceit and betrayal and there is no doubt something real good will come your way very soon.

Sending you lots of courage for the coming days I hope it all goes better than expected. Above all stay safe!!!!!!!!!

36 what a journey it has been. My favourite saying is something good always comes from something not so good. Yes 36 years are gone, and so has the wife you were happily married to but you are already preparing yourself for a new life and a better relationship albeit a fraction too soon but who cares your vision is for happier days. Good men like you never sit on the shelf for long either. You have remained so honourable through such deep deceit and betrayal and there is no doubt something real good will come your way very soon.

Sending you lots of courage for the coming days I hope it all goes better than expected. Above all stay safe!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much!

stay NC.

Go forward with the D.

You can't save it. It takes two to save a marriage.

She is not willing to save your marriage.

She murdered it.

And she is still all me, me, me.

No remorse, no transparency.

get some rest and hide out.

talk to your attorney. var and protect yourself.

tell the kids, they should ask their Mom why she murdered the marriage.

Do yourself a favor and block her number, at least for the next couple days. It will help you avoid the urge to return texts and calls because you won't get them.

Do this at least for the initial storm that is coming your way, you can always unblock it later.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 5:07 PM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

1Faith:

I haven't posted a lot to your thread but I have been following and praying for you.

Prayer is always welcome.

So I may be way off base to chime in but I wanted to say that everything you are feeling is understandable. Regardless of how horrid your WW has treated you (no one knows this better than you) you simply can't turn off 36 years of marriage and life.

You're right. It feels foreign to try.

Adding to the trigger of the loss of your son, you are understandably sad.

Yes, we went through that together, too. And yet she still did this to our marriage.

Perhaps being served will wake her up and she can find her way to be remorseful and perhaps not.

At this point I have no idea whether it is possible to wake her up.

I do think you should move forward with your plan as sad and hurtful as it will be. It will be moving you out of infidelity and that is truly what you need and deserve.

The plan is full steam ahead. I feel more like I'm pushing the train because there is no steam, but still moving ahead.

I just wanted to say you have been heard and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Thank you.

Do yourself a favor and block her number, at east for the next couple days. it will help you avoid the desire to return texts and calls because you won't get them.

I think I may just turn my phone off until Monday.

36 I haven't responded yet to your thread but I have read the entire thing. Please, please call your children tomorrow evening yourself. They need one sane parent even though they are adults and they need the unvarnished truth. I'm not suggesting you give them all of the gory details. Rather, I am suggesting you tell them that you have filed for a divorce due to adultery because their mother cheated on you and has no remorse, no guilt and no real love for you anymore so there is no way forward when there is no marriage left to save. I too think your wife has some very strong cluster B disordered behavior. If you don't give them the unvarnished truth she will spin it with them and try to make you out to be the bad guy before you've even said your piece. She's already tried that with one son. Speak softly but tell them your truth. Later they will thank you for it. Then turn off your phone and try to unwind as much as you possibly can. Anything to try to turn off the incessant thoughts that have to be streaming through your head. You're grieving and it is perfectly fine to grieve. You've lost a huge aspect of your life. I also believe you will get through this and go on to better but there is no cheating time and time is what it takes to walk through hell. Just keep going.

I'm rooting for you. You deserve to find peace and happiness and the end of this journey you never asked for and didn't want.

Look at it this way, if you turn your phone off until Monday you’ll be turning it on while you’re on a healing path.

The ONLY thing leaving it on will so will allow her to manipulate you and tear you apart.

I’d somehow get word to your kids. Call them from a burner phone or something (then turn that off too)

I can’t stress to you enough that this is such Home advice that you’ll only be inviting harm otherwise

36, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Hugs and strength! Yes, talk to your kids.

36, stand your ground.

36 years is hard to swallow. But look at your wie now as opposed to those years. Protect yourself bro.

If you spend any time on this, spend it on what broke inside of her and think about if you can get over any of this.

58 is not too old to enjoy life.

Read all of your posts and put yourself inside of if you were reading this thread as if it was someone else who was writing it and what would you tell them ? I am not encouraging you one way or the other but you are your main concern now. She gave up the right for you to be concerned about her right now and your kids really have no say in this.

Post tomorrow. It is going to be a shit show Do not be surprised if she pits your kids against you

Be prepared

one thought. Before you do anything, post here first before you act on anything or respond to her JMO

36,

Firstly, thank you for your kind words. Like everyone else here, I want what is best for you. You have had a hell of a rough journey, but one of the good things to come out of it is the support you have had from the forum, and the amount of care that people here have for you.

You are on the eve of a big decision, and all of us have uncertainty or anxiety when faced by such decisions. Should I buy that house; should I leave that job and try and make it as a musician; should I join the marines...

The truth is, no-one ever 'knows' whether a decision is right, we all just go with what we have a stronger feeling for out of the options that are laid before us. And so we make a choice, cross our fingers, and give our chosen option the best shot we can.

In your place, your wife's actions, irrational behaviour, lack of empathy, and ongoing selfishness are all but forcing your hand in terms of the decision you are making about filing. This is just my two cents, I am no genius or clairvoyant, but I honestly see very little basis for thinking a meaningful and true reconciliation can happen, given your wife's actions since discovery, and her attitude as manifested in her latest message.

I just got a text from my wife. She says, "Having tons of anxiety. I've been traumatized or it feels like it. My chest is tight, my stomach aches and the doctor won't give me meds unless I come in for an appointment. Talking to you would help. Can we talk?"

It's all about her. Yet again. As always. No, "How are you 36?" No, "What do you need me to do, 36?" All she talks about is her supposed suffering, her trauma, her anxiety. Not a damn thing about you and your well being. And then yet another attempt to get you to break NC, this time using her professed issues to use some emotional leverage.

It just beggars belief that she is so uncaring about you while being so obsessed with herself. Why does she not wonder why you have done something so out of character as to start staying elsewhere and going NC? Does she think you enjoy it? That it makes you happy? But I don't think she can stop thinking about herself long enough to think that maybe - just maybe - you might be suffering, or unwell, or stressed. Instead, she tells you her tummy hurts.

36, I usually try to stay as neutral as possible, and not go overboard pushing people in one direction or the other. I just can't do that here. Your thread is a litany of one horrible abuse after another that you have been put through. In your place, I would probably be sitting there feeling numb and shell-shocked. If I was a pal of yours from your town, or your brother, if you didn't file, I would file on your behalf. I apologise if that taints my advice, but it comes from my concern for you, and my absolute certainty that you can have a better, happier, less dramatic life, with someone who is more loving, more honest, more empathetic, and more interested in your well-being than your wife is.

You alone cannot sustain a marriage of the kind you so clearly want if your wife has such a different view of what marriage means. That is something you need to consider, because after everything that has happened, and everything you now know, the marriage that you might go back to is going to seem like venturing into an alien landscape.

When I say these things, I do worry about their impact. I know how hurt and conflicted you are. Simply saying, "You should do this", or, "You should do that", really does nothing at all to address the turmoil that you are feeling, or the trauma that you have gone through to reach this point. I wish I knew what to say to bring you comfort or succour.

I am not sure if this will help, but there was very little that you could have done to avoid ending up in the situation in which you find yourself. You did not engineer it, and the few needs you identified and asked for support with were not met or simply ignored. Your pain did not enter the radar of the person who was so instrumental in causing it.

So you are not in this position because you were half-hearted about the marriage, or because you are fickle, or because you did not try repeatedly to fix things, despite facing aggressive non-co-operation. You are here because you have belief in the principles of truth, honesty, keeping promises and vows, the institution of marriage and fidelity, the virtue of being supportive and protective of loved ones, the virtue of selfless love, and the awful discovery that your wife does not believe in any of the things that form the foundations of your life. That all she seems to care about is herself.

Faced with what at times has been active opposition and cruel indifference, where else could you be but where you are now, 36? You are not where you want to be; you are where your wife pushed you. The alternative would be to numbly return to the shell of a marriage that she has eviscerated and stripped of all the things you valued in it. Really, 36, what is left of the old marriage to go back to?

You have been through hell, but there is light and liberation at the end of the tunnel. It is not what you were hoping for, 36, but if you do file and move forwards with the divorce, you will not be derailing it at a happy or good point, as it once was. You will be halting it as what it is today; something that has become dysfunctional and which makes neither person within it happy anymore. Once you realise that, perhaps you will see that there can be a positive outcome if you both become free to pursue the things that make you happy, which appear to now be very different things.

From what I have learnt of you in the pages of this thread, you strike me as a good and decent man, selfless, loving, protective of his family, and a hard worker who has strived to create a good standard of living for his loved ones. For your wife to repay that in the way that she has is a grotesque travesty of justice, but as others have commented already, there are plenty of other women out there who would cherish and value you, and love you in the same way as you would love them. And I honestly believe you could find happiness again with a woman like that, perhaps greater happiness than you have known so far.

Life, and the world, have so much more to offer you than the confines of a broken marriage, 36. And you deserve so much better than that.

I'll be thinking of you tonight, and I'm going to say a prayer for you.

You're a good man, 36, and you must never lose sight of that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:59 PM, October 18th (Wednesday)]