SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think SG must ask his WW one thing: if she loved him, why did she not end the affair on her own prior to getting caught

I asked my FWH this and he replied because nobody knew about it, nobody was going to find out about it and therefore it wasn't doing anyone any harm. I don't like the answer but in his compartmentalized world its true....my H knew I was onto him, he was in the process of ending it but I found out first, BOOM!!

She was given one chance to fess up and she gaslighted and took the affair submarine. That's not love

That doesn't mean she didn't love SG, of course you can love your H or W and behave like a fool.

While, wanting to understand the "why" is normal, this is something we must let go of....there is no making sense of nonsense.

Here are the answers I got to why:

You bought a couch without asking me. (I work my butt off and make 2/3rd of the income)

You didn't carry your cell phone enough. (Ok. I'll try harder)

You like to read Shakespeare and discuss Edward de Vere. (So what?! You like Star Trek - I'm happy for you)

You told me I would cheat on you years ago. (I was seeking reassurance, which you gave me by the way)

You can't have an orgasm with intercourse and she can. (Ouch! - most women take a little lovin' for an orgasm)

She is fun. (She drinks like a fish)

She gets along with my brother. (He is a cop who calls people nigger, is a fundamentalist "christian")

You embarrassed me that one time when I stood behind you and you kept talking to Nancy. (I didn't know you were there)

THERE IS NO WHY!!!!!!!

[This message edited by goingtothrive at 7:36 AM, February 19th (Thursday)]

BeerParty wrote:

I think SG must ask his WW one thing: if she loved him, why did she not end the affair on her own prior to getting caught.

He already asked her that, and she already answered, and the answer is obvious. And it doesn't matter, since they are divorcing. Asking it would only give hope to the WW that maybe the right answer can fix things.

By the way, lots of WS end the affairs on their own. Happens all the time. That's why there is a "For Those Who Found Out Years Later" thread. In fact, I bet the vast majority of ONS and short term affairs are never discovered.

WHY?

Is an overrated question.

It just is a collection of justifications for being a WS.

This whole thread is so difficult to read. Some of us BS were not given a chance to reconcile. Despite that, if I'd had the chance in retrospect I would have hoped to be as strong and decisive as the OP. I read this forum a lot and see little hope in most cases to carry on and be happy.

My question for you is where is YOUR personal responsibility?

Scratching my head at that one.

Do you not owe your wife of however many years SOME measure of chance? Do you not owe her some opportunity to fix herself?

Yeah...No. She has an opportunity to fix herself. It is not his job nor can he accomplish it. She needs to do it on her own, by herself, for herself. He is clearing the path far and wide for her to do so. That's pretty generous given the situation. He is not going to be plan B.

Good partners, lovers and friends are hard to find.

She is not his friend. She may have been a good partner in helping to raise the children but now they're in college and mostly on their own. SG strikes me as a pretty smart, logical guy who can handle life all by himself and whatever struggles he will go through will be easier to overcome than staying. She may be a good lover too but those aren't that hard to find once you're single.

Given his situation, I would find it very difficult to stay. Knowing he will likely have to continue to travel for work, he would for a very long time, or always, wonder what she would be up to while he's out of town on business. Trust can be rebuilt after infidelity but it is NEVER the same.

I have been through it all, I stayed due to the children not being raised, through multiple PA's, because I thought she was worth it, because I thought she could change. All the while communicating that infidelity was a deal breaker, I became a pushover and she took full advantage of it. I admire his decisiveness and commitment to his values and as others have said here, wished I would have had the wherewithal to commit to D from the beginning.

It was a terrible choice and I suffered in silence for 10 years. Ultimately I finally had enough and ended up a single father raising a 13(DS) and a 16D(D) year old full time. My now 17 year old DS still lives with me full time and is in his senior year of high school. It has been a struggle. Only this year have things settled down between him and I, and he is working hard to graduate. It has been some of the most difficult times I've had to go through. I would have thrown her out 10 years earlier and would have taken the struggles with the raising the children alone over having to deal with her and the children both any day.

Given the above, I see no reason for him to stay, what's left?

SG,

Your wife gave some bad advice back when she told you to 'let it go' between that horrible situation you had next door. The poor neighbor being at work while his slvt wife was getting banged by the Superintendent. I hope he owned her in the divorce case.

Sadly, it may have been a red flag back then for you because an anonymous tip may have helped that guy as one may have helped you, SG. Your wife wanting to bury it, while not saying she agreed with what that lady was doing, showed an apathy for the cheating behavior.

I know we've asked this before, any clue how long this affair was going on ? and do we know this is the only one ?

Reading this thread has become a study in self-control and frustration. I have wanted to wade in with my opinionated 2x4 and deliver some whacks but held back simply because any such post would do exactly what I would be hitting out at: NOTHING to help SG!

I don’t remember a single case here on SI that has a higher ratio of posts per post by the original poster (Admins: Is that a new unit of measure? The PPPOP ratio? Go ahead and patent it and any royalties can go to this site.)

SG – You don’t need any excuse to divorce your wife. With or without infidelity if you ever felt the marriage wasn’t worth it anymore then you could have filed. You don’t need her permission, don’t need an excuse or justification. It’s enough that you simply don’t want to be married.

In a nutshell that’s exactly the issue: She COULD have avoided cheating on you by doing the right thing and divorcing you once she realized she had an itch for OM. She wouldn’t have had to give you any excuse or reason either. But she didn’t. She cheated. You want a divorce. That’s totally OK. You can get a divorce. Her cheating is more than ample reason and if you don’t want to reconcile then that’s totally fine.

BUT…

(I guess you knew there was one coming…)

To me it sounds like you want a divorce and aren’t really clear on what that really is…

Ever heard the barroom joke of the man that was offered one wish by a genie and wished that his d@ck was so long it touched the ground when he stood up? Next morning he woke up without legs...

To me it sounds a bit like you are heading at waking up a bit short…

For one divorce is a long process. You might plan on being divorced in 3 months but this isn’t something you order off the net. It’s a legal process. You have relatively little say in the speed.

Has the house been valued? Have your pensions been calculated, the present value determined and equally shared in accordance to length of marriage and earnings? Has spousal support been determined? Have savings and assets been divided? How about credit-card debt? Has that hand-tailored Galloway driver you bought last year been valued and you paid your wife her half?

Do you have legal access to sufficient funds to move to a new state and start a new life? Remember – legally chances are all funds you have and all income you generate is joint. It’s not like you can simply take off, relocate and start spending without honoring past commitments.

As a rule once money is on the table the definition of “amicable” in divorce is you aren’t trying to choke each other. If she’s told you she won’t contest divorce and doesn’t want anything then that will change soon.

Divorcing is also a very permanent action. Sure some will tell you that they remarried after D. Your WW might tell you she will wait. You might think that 2 years from now you two will get back together… Look – chances of you two remarrying after D are close to non-existent. Divorce is the termination of a relationship – not an alternative-lifestyle marriage. If you want to divorce then do so because you want a new life without the woman you are divorcing. Not because you want a couple of years to fool around.

The way you talk about divorce are in contrast to your good planning regarding exposure. Maybe that’s the reason some of us question your true wishes as opposed to what you say you want. But that’s not really the issue – it’s totally your call. Just do it from the right basis.

SG – A couple of posters have suggested you seek help. Of everything and anything posted on this thread that is the absolute best advice ever.

Leaving your wife… Leaving your family behind… Relocating to a new place… None of those will deal with your FOO issues. No matter where you go it’s YOU that you will see in the mirror. I can’t strongly enough suggest you seek professional help. There is no shame at all in getting guidance with hard issues, nor is that any acknowledgement that the affair might be your fault (because it isn’t).

SG – IF you want to divorce then go ahead and keep your course. But do it for the right reasons. Do it with your eyes wide open and realize the pros and cons of divorce.

Bigger, best post I have read in awhile.

While I respect the decision to move on, I have a gut feeling It's injured ego and broken heart posting and rightly so!

I read the love, I read the desire for vengeance, hurt heart, and so on. I don't believe the "this is what I'm doing and that's it " but who really cares what I think...noone and that's ok. I simply wanted to chime in and I wish NONE of us had to deal with this bullshit honestly.

My best to you all.

Well said Bigger. That's what I was trying to convey less effectively back on pages 19 and 20.

The sense I get is one of a BH who doesn't feel like he has any other options than divorce because of a bruised ego and dealbreaker behavior from his wife. And what betrayed can't relate to those feelings? The desire to sleep with other women (despite his obvious love for his WW) is a dead giveaway that he wants to nurse a bruised ego. Again, understandable.

But divorce and sleeping with other woman is just piling on the destruction. And if they make a strong attempt at R (which we all know is a distinct possibility and maybe even likely - we've read way too many stories on here to believe otherwise), than the last thing he wants to do is to add to the pile of crap they'll have to sort through once they get to work.

Like everyone else here I support SG, no matter his choice. I would just caution against rushing into anything. Give your brain at least six to twelve months to unscramble from this incredible, life-altering shock. Even if you still end up divorcing at the end of that period, at least you'll do so with a clearer head.

My self esteem has taken a big hit.

No, it has not.

Not at all.

Actually, your self-esteem should be more solid than ever before.

You have proven it based on your actions.

You have kept your vows to her - even after she lied, deceived, and betrayed so despicably.

You have been truthful with her.

You have guarded and abided by your values.

You have navigated through this nightmare with a strong and functional moral compass.

You have a clear conscience.

You have maintained your integrity.

You have been honest with your children through this and have shown empathy toward your wife to them.

Many people who have been lied to, deceived, and stabbed in the back will abandon their values and descend into the same cesspool out of pain and a need for vengeance.

You did not.

Your feet have been held to the fire.

It is when life is at its worst that we MUST adhere to our values - and you did so.

THAT is character. THAT is high self-esteem. THAT is tremendous self-worth.

I know the pain and anguish that you feel

I have felt it too.

But, let yourself start to realize that you should feel pretty fucking good about yourself.

Spaceghost

There is nothing wrong with or abnormal about having a bruised ego. Very few men could have their wife screw another man and come out feeling good about it.

Your decisiveness has been a model. You took action to get yourself out of infidelity. That was a major step in healing.

Now sir, you need some time to process the pain.

While many in this thread are telling you that your ego is getting in the way or implying you have not considered your actions, I can only state that I disagree. For a newly betrayed husband, you have amongst the highest degree of understanding of yourself that I have seen in four years here.

You have set a course. It does not mean that you cannot change it if you find yourself in a different place as you heal.

But please, be true to yourself and respect yourself. Do not take action based on whether she will do this (date other men) or she will do that (suddenly be devoted to you again). You cannot control her. It is folly to think otherwise. You can divorce her or reconcile with her, but doing one or the other to make her "do" something is a fool's errand.

Being true to yourself and respecting yourself is the fastest way through this hell.

SG,

you have received alot of help and info here but do not feel that you have to do anything. Don't let your pride ruin what could be a new and better relationship. The bottom line is , do you still love her and does she still love you and want to make thing work out. If so, don't throw things away because of pride or what you feel you have to do. There is no magic solution or must do senerio. It's what you want to do with the rest of your life and who you want to spend it with. It's your choice, none else's.

I felt like you too. I hated my wife and wanted out. I even brought boxes home for her to pack and get out. But you know what, I loved her and she showed me she was sorry. With that, I was willing to try it again and so far it's been good. Do i have my moments, of course but the bottom line is , as long as she wants to be with me and shows me that it will never happen again, I would rather be with her than without her. Everyone screws up. It's what they do and what they learn from those screw ups is what is important. Don't feel like you have no other choice. It's your life, and we only get one shot at it, so do what you want because you want it, not because you feel you have too.

There are many marriages out there that are actually better after the A than they were before. I have no problem being one of them and I hope I will remain so.

Great advice Bigger - thanks!

To go against some of Bigger's comments:

Asking about his financial situation? Would you ask a BW if she has enough cash to leave a cheating H?

(I think) He has thought this through and has the resources to do it.

On the flip side (where Bigger and I agree, as well as some others):

Going out and banging a bunch of chics isn't going to help you.

I get it. Your ego took a beating. All of ours did. But it really won't help. In fact you'll be inflicting some pain on random women. (And as a real man, you'll feel crappy for that)

That's why we all recommend the 180 - It's about getting in touch with yourself. Who you are. Not about what you look like; how much $ you make; how many women you bang.

Who YOU are. As a person. You seemed to be finding that - playing golf, hanging out. It's a great start.

Not wishing to promote another site but if you have time, go to no soliciting and there is a two year posting by no soliciting. Start at posts September 2013.

A WW like yours which gives great insight into infidelity and the consequences.

Husband did divorce her.

As a BH I send you my best wishes with the hope of a better future for you and your family.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:18 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

Thank you all for your comments and support. I have been planning this for a couple of months so I have the legal issues covered and this divorce will cost both of us some money.

As one poster recommended I did read the story of Sofie2013 and yes that story sounds like my story. I Have talked with my wife for 3 hours the other day. It helps her when we talk but I just started feeling worse about life and what could have been.

The Neat thing about my job is I can do it from anywhere I want. So I am loading up my car with my golf clubs and clothes and I am going to start my new life. I Am going to check out Florida to see if I like it enough to stay there permanently. My heart is broken and I need to get away from here and start moving forward. I Wish my wife would have been a bitch about her affair but she has been the opposit of that.

So I told her to come home I was leaving and she said she would stay with her parents. She asked me to stay and think about things so she could prove to me that she loved me. Even though she did something horrible she would try and make it up to me. I told her that it hurts to much and we both deserve better than this.

So I am leaving and moving forward with my life. I Wish I could get over this but I can't. So to clear my head I am going to relax and start thinking about my own best interest. Learning to be without her and getting back to a life I use to enjoy.

So that is what I am going to do. She thinks I am running away and I guess I am. But I had planned on leaving after dropping the divorce bomb on her but she is so unhappy with herself I feel bad for both of us.

I missed a phone call the other day from the OM wife. I called her back and she wanted all four of us to get together and clear the air. I told I better not ever see her husband and I gave her proof so I am done with all of this.

So this weekend I am going to load up and head to golf country and staft enjoying my life again. I Know some people are going to tell me to slow down but she knew it was a deal breaker so I want to move forward. She deserves better than what I can do for her right now.

So that is my update for now

All I can say is enjoy yourself where ever you land.

I called her back and she wanted all four of us to get together and clear the air. I told I better not ever see her husband and I gave her proof so I am done with all of this.

Actually, that is pathetic, get together to clear the air. I hope the proof you gave this woman gets her head out of denial quickly.

The phrase clear the air reeks of him totally spinning lies on top of lies.

Just something about her phrase get together to clear the air angers me, as if she is talking about a minor disagreement.

Clearing the air would have been nothing but lies and blaming your wife for 100% of everything that happened. The OM truly sounds pathetic.

I missed a phone call the other day from the OM wife. I called her back and she wanted all four of us to get together and clear the air. I told I better not ever see her husband and I gave her proof so I am done with all of this.

She means try and talk you into not telling anyone what a pig her husband is. She is probably worried the community or her children will find out.

I hope someone is watching over your wife after you leave. I have very little empathy for wayward spouses, but I sure don't want her to do anything to harm herself.

I hope you find happiness and eventually faithful love. Isn't that what we all want?