CSCE
There's not much I can add that hasn't already been said. I'm a rookie compared to veteran advisers following and helping guide you to some extent. I've read your original post a few times and did so tonight again, as I'm captivated by it for a few reasons. Nearly every comment you've made of your BS sounds like you could have been describing me. And you have some similarities to my wife of 25 yeas . So, as you can imagine, I've inserted myself into your experience seamlessly.
This post isn't to analyze your words as many have done, rightfully and expertly, so, but to MAYBE give some additional insight into your husband's thought process. Much has been covered already though, and If I'm repeating anything, my apologies, but first I want to give you something I learned yesterday evening. I'm sitting at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, with my mom who just turned 90 two days ago, my brother and sister in-law. My mom and sister in-law are both avid readers of the bible. In fact my mom hosts bible study every Wednesday. Anyway, out of nowhere, my mom looked at me and asked, did you know that some of the most revered women in the bible were immoral? I replied, Really? I didn't know that. She went on to say, one woman (whose name escapes me) encouraged her husband to commit adultery because she couldn't bear children. Another, by the name of Sarah also did something immoral, however they eventually, as my mom put it, evolved into (Hall of Fame Women of the Bible) because of what they BECAME, not what they did immorally. Point being: Do not allow this experience to define you. Simple as that. Now, on to my points.
You're under a lot of pressure, between your work, your relationship and your dad's illness. PLEASE do not fill obligated to respond to this post. It's simply to share some insight with hopes you read something you may not have read or related to before. Unlikely, but you never know. A few things led me to becoming captivated by your story. Your unlimited humility, your ability to transition from WW to full R compliance within a short period of time as compared to many others on SI, and as stated earlier, your BS's disposition is very similar to mine, so perhaps my insight may shed some new light. Maybe, maybe not.
1) If I'm the BS, (which I've been 3 times BTW before marriage) thoughts that would keep me from possibly breaking through or advancing in reconciliation was the fact that the affair was discovered. Getting caught means forfeiture of any noble intention you may have had of stopping it, which would have shed a different light on the situation. It would have provided me with some sense of your value and respect for me. With it being discovered, my assumption is it would have gone on for quite some time which would infuriate me. At this point, the realization of exactly where I stand is known and nothing can undo that reality.
2) AP was allowed to dictate and control our marriage to a degree that his hold on my wife may determine who I spend the rest of my life with.
3) I'm dealing with thoughts that your attraction to AP was so strong, you did not even make an attempt or two to end it. The "emotional" love note given to AP correlates with your actions over a year's time, so the words weren't just words. You were once mine, but he gained your heart, mind and body, and I was left with leftover's.
4) AP wasn't just a boyfriend, but a legitimate permanent partner prospect and only my physical existence stops him from replacing me. In fact, If I were in the armed forces and was stationed overseas, AP would be living here and the relationship would have advanced to you leaving me and sending a "Dear John" letter. He would sleep in my bed, watch movies with you in his arms on our couch and share a glass of wine with you on our deck at the end of the day, before retiring to bed to love again. I'm a cuckold, no other way to spin it. My wife would prefer to be the AP's as a plan B than with me as a plan A. What does that say of me?
5) Sex. It's already been discussed so I won't belabor the point, but I'm thinking, my wife went to great trouble to provide him love, affection and sex and I can't even get it while lying next to her. I'm also thinking, If this guy lived near us, my wife would make her available body available to him at his beck and call. Only the logistics of distance and geography stopped this from happening, not her love and respect for me.
6) I was plan B to my wife for an entire year. On my birthday, she's with him (in thoughts) and texted him her picture on the morning of. On our anniversary, she's with him, perhaps texting him while in the ladies room during our celebratory restaurant dinner. On Christmas she's texting him and sending a picture before we even exchange gifts. When the clock struck 12am, our New Year's kiss was sandwiched with thoughts of him before and afterwards. On Valentine's day, she took great lengths to convey how he was her Valentine. On days he got sex, I got none. On our European vacation, he was with us, because WW texted him right up to DD. She knows this would destroy me and us, but that consideration is not close to being enough of a deterrent. The AP has won. The AP is the undisputed chosen one and the only way I might get her back is if he doesn't want her. He's probably laughing at me or even worse feeling sorry for me. Loserville!!!
7) I've placed my heart into her hands, and cannot possibly chance doing that again. This pain is like losing a family member to death.
8) He had my wife in my home. Nail in coffin. MY HOME
9) One year. That's a lot of sex, kisses, laughter and I love you's.
10) Have there been others?
Couple of other thoughts to ponder,
1) I'm very, very effective at concealing my emotional state. I'm relatively quiet, laid back and somewhat boring perhaps to some. My high's aren't too high and my low's don't reveal themselves as being too low when in fact they can go lower than anyone knows, including my very perceptive wife of 25 years. Don't underestimate the degree of pain BS is experiencing. It could be much worse than he's leading on.
2) SI is full of stories of WW/WS stopping cold turkey after DD, only to reconnect with the AP after experiencing unbearable separation anxiety. The reconnect sometimes happens in days, weeks, months or years, but the frequency never ceases to surprise me since I've been a SI member, which is only a little over a week or so. The relevance is since your husband is on SI, he's probably reading these stories and applying it to this situation. He may be waiting for the shoe to drop again, of which he is ill prepared to deal with. He's already taken the biggest blow of his life after DD-1, so you two are still somewhat within the reconnecting period of you and the AP. This might explain why he's checking up on you and suggesting you just go with the AP. BS is very pained and feeling very vulnerable and with 4 months removed from DD, he might be very paranoid, which is understandable, notwithstanding your tremendous efforts to comfort otherwise. Only time can heal his deep wounds. Not telling you anything you don't already know on his pain, but do consider how it relates to what he's reading on SI if you haven't already done so.
[This message edited by Jorge at 2:15 AM, November 25th (Saturday)]
