SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry you are going thru this. It is very tough. Stay strong and sane.

Before deciding on whether you want to give your marriage a chance, you need to know everything. You need to know your wife and how she thinks. She must be really stupid or brave or careless or all of them to betray you in your own house and with a friend.

Ask yourself what she would do if she felt she wouldn't get caught. How many times? how many other affairs? how many other dudes? ... all legit questions imo.

You must've felt something all those years but you ignored it. No?

1) you need a full confession. You decide if she is being 100% honest based on polygraph, gut feeling etc...

2) you need her to explain WHY. Does she love him? when did she lose respect for you? is she a serial cheater? does she have PD of some sort? you decide whether to accept it.

3) sincerely apologize. You decide if it is sincere or not.

4) Promise it won't happen again. Again, up to you to believe it.

It's very hard. Good luck.

[This message edited by techie49 at 2:43 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

While couples therapy may be helpful, what would be more helpful is if you get your own counselor and individual support.

There may be things you want to say that you may not say in CT due to your fear of detailing any progress.

I can only say that my therapist not only saved my sanity b/c I was EXACTLY YOU for 6 months - couldn’t eat or sleep, had to deal with a very very toxic work environment and had kids I had to show up for everyday. In addition to being kicked to the curb and watching my H flaunt his affair in my face.

My point is when I really wanted to D my therapist helped me to release my anger and see my H may deserve a second chance. But had I not had a place to unleash my emotions and anger freely, who knows what the outcome would have been.

I hope this helps you.

Please take fear of the unknown out of your equation. I’m going to be vague here, but I know a couple where he had a wife with many, many issues and finally had to divorce her to stay sane. He did not look at older women or younger women, or in between he looked at all of them. As it turned out the woman he finally married had children of her own and was a divorcee. She was not the cause of the divorce and neither was he and that makes a big difference when you are looking for someone in the future. Both he and his wife had been on social media, gotten off, dated around, and finally found each other by happenstance. They are very happily married , and he will say that this is the marriage he should’ve been all of his life. I’m not pressuring you or even suggesting that you get out of your marriage because that’s too personal but I will say that you need to look at two things. First is sunk cost. Bs say I’ve been in this for so long, I hate to give it up or I’ve put too much money into my house or our business or whatever. That cost keeps people imprisoned in relationships they should not be in anymore. The second is whether you can ever get past it. There are many bs on here who have forgiven egregious behaviors and are still with their ws. And a third…50 is the beginning. People I know live long active lives well into their 80s and 90s. That means if you look after your health you have years of enjoyment in your future. Don’t let sadness rob you of that.
This is my mantra. Look after your health. Here is when you need to consult a dr about anxiety and situational depression. Both are dangerous. Anxiety makes your body think it is being attacked and you never relax. You are always looking for that "lion" that will attack you. That is what your primitive brain is doing. It is not rational. It just knows you have been injured and keeps wanting to get you out of danger. You might need help calming that down. Depression stops you from making any decisions. It paralyzes you.
Get outside. Walk, run, bike, skate, sing, play a musical instrument, spend time with friends, garden, play pickle ball, get sun on your face. Do something. The hormones driving your body into exhaustion can be shut down by being physical.

Absolutely OUTSTANDING reply from Butforthegrace! OP, please read his post about 10 times.

I also can’t get over the fear of being 50 and alone. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.

Oh my dear goodness dude. You have no idea. Single 50 yr old men who even remotely have their 💩 together have to beat women off with a stick. I’ve seen it even in men who look like they’ve been pummeled by the ugly stick. Asked one how it was going with the lady folk, and his sheepish grin said it all. You’re in hell right now, but DO NOT let this particular fear take hold. The exact opposite is true.

On the other hand, a divorced adulteress woman over 50? SHE’s the one who ought be VERY afraid. And no doubt, she is. She knows her "market value" is now crap. THAT is why she is in full CYA mode. THIS IS NOT REMORSE!!!

Keep posting! The more you do, the more we can help. Stay strong bro!

I can tell my wife is truly remorseful.

I won’t belabor this as BFTG and other poster nailed it, but will reinforce that,

"True Remorse" is manifest in the form of consistent and progressively improving actions over time.

There’s a learning curve for WS’s, and a truly remorseful WS should be continuously improving their approach with empathy, therapy, and learning from their mistakes and overcoming setbacks.

Other posters have also given some excellent examples of Remorse vs Regret.

The fear of being alone at 50

I was 49 when I discovered my WW’s affair, 23 years into, what I thought, was an ideal marriage, lifestyle, social circle, romance, affection, intimacy, best friends, mutual adventures, mutual dreams, and the accomplishment of personal and mutual dreams. We had three happy teens/preteens. Our lives were absolutely commingled. The affair was an absolute blindside. No warning signs, no rug swept grievances, no neglect, not even in honest objective hindsight.

We divorced after failed R after about 18 months.

I too was fearful of starting over after 50. It’s debilitating fear. So much invested, so much at stake. A clear perspective was clouded by overwhelming grief. This site helped me maintain perspective.

Fortunately for you, your kids are older and through the majority of their formative years. Coparenting will be much easier. It will be much easier for you to transition to the next phase of your life.

The reality for me was, that there was a better future out there for me. There was no shortage of wonderful, intriguing prospects and opportunities that I could have never imagined, and only became clear after my first baby steps forward.

There was a period where I was alone, for the first time in 25 years, I was alone to indulge in myself, my interests, my healing. It was amazing and cathartic.

There was a period of reckless dating (Be careful with this, it’s the Wild West out there).

Then there was a period where I travelled and met beautiful people and had various adventures and experiences.

And then a period of careful dating.

Then I met my now wife, and so far, so excellent.

I look back on the first marriage, not with regret, but with reverence, as it was very good while it lasted, with great memories and the birth of our kids. And now, I’m/we’re off to new adventures that are just as special.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:52 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

^^^^^ Yes, gr8ful (and @RealityBlows, we cross-posted) is right on the money here. Truth!

I think @butforthegrace--somewhere towards the bottom on the previous page--is right on the money as well.

OP, you got to remember this: just as YOU were doubly betrayed (your WW cheated on you AND the person she cheated with on you was a close trusted friend), **your WW herself, doubly betrayed**. She not only disregarded YOU in her decision-making but she also disregarded someone else--OBS--who viewed your WW as a close trusted friend.

What's this you say? WW was told that AP and OBS had an open marriage? (ETA: To be clear, OP has NOT said this in his thread so far, I am saying this, just in case that WW in discussing her affair, tells OP that POSOM had told her that POSOM and OBS had an open marriage, as a way of WW trying to mitigate her betrayal to OBS as well.) Sure adds to the whole premeditation aspect doesn't it. Your WW (and your ex-friend) doing you dirty like that--instead of getting carried away in a moment of passion (which is still absolutely awful especially witnessing it), boy I bet you never thought she (and he) had it in her (in him) did you.

Meanwhile, I would be VERY careful saying that your WW is remorseful. Right now her tears are (probably) mostly for HER. If you and she D, your WW is quite aware that her dating and social life likely will be very difficult.

Anyways, CT (couples therapy) such as MC (marriage counseling) is a waste of time. There was NOTHING about how the two of you related that made her betray NOT ONLY you but also your SON and DAUGHTER, and HER CLOSE FRIEND. For your WW to ever be a safe partner she needs to dig deep into her whys for giving herself permission to do these things.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:21 PM, Wednesday, September 18th]

And again....OP, are you POSITIVE that this is WW's only affair? Because I sure as hell would not be!

@Won’tbefooledagain- zero open marriage on either side. I can assure you. He has been very open with his wife about everything. He is completely defeated from what she says. She believes him. I have my doubts, but it’s not my place to tell her what to believe, or how to move forward.

Zero reason for marriage counseling at this time. Zero.

You need Individual Counseling with a speciality in trauma.

She could probably also use IC, assuming she is being truthful about remorse, healing you and fixing herself.

Also, see a lawyer. It can't hurt to understand what your options look like.

We are both in IC. Mine specializes in grief/trauma/PTSD. I asked her what she thought about MC. She said I should try it, but not to be afraid to stop if I did not like the therapist, or did not feel it was working at this time. I appreciate all of your feedback, but I will follow her advice on this one.

Unthought,

Not the same situation but my EW had her AP in my home. The whole place was an instant trigger for me!

I ended up trashing/giving away the entire household furniture because I didn't know what they had "touched".

May consider the same for your basement as I bet it's may be a constant reminder for you.

I suggest you read the following posts:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/ - an excellent view of the behavior of a remorseful WS (though the author prefers 'contrite' to 'remorseful').

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ - an excellent outline of what to expect from your WS

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/ - self explanatory, I think.

*****

A lot of posts in this thread are about what the posters think they would do in your sitch. I hope that helps you make your own decision.

I believe it would be very difficult to R with a double betrayal and actually seeing the infidelity. But you have to make decisions for your future, and though the past impacts the future, your past leaves you with options.

You can lead a joyful life whether you D or R. If you want to R and if your W is, in fact, remorseful, and if you're both willing to do the necessary work, my reco is: don't let fear keep you from it. And don't let fear keep you from D, either.

You have to blaze your own trail through this horror. Take all advice with many grains of salt.

There’s a ton of disrespect here for WW to be screwing OM in BH’s house while both BH and their son were in the house. The fact that WW was willing to do so, even if she was drunk, suggests a long time affair IMO.

Just something I want to reiterate to you. It’s been said here already but I’m going to chime in and agree.

DO NOT make decisions on fear of being alone. Really man. If you are not a crazed alcoholic or drug user and have a decent career, you are not going to be able to catch all the panties flying at you. (To be as crass as possible) 50 years old and have your shit together? You really need to understand just how many divorced women are desperately looking for that. You’ll only be alone for just as long as you choose to be.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 9:06 PM, Thursday, September 19th]

There’s a ton of disrespect here for WW to be screwing OM in BH’s house while both BH and their son were in the house. The fact that WW was willing to do so, even if she was drunk, suggests a long time affair IMO.

Yes, either that, or it is not WW's first rodeo, so to speak. Anyway OP you in all likelihood do NOT have the full story, either in regards to WW's affair with your (former) friend, or WW having had another affair, or possibly even both.