SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP I just wanted to add that all the information you get here is like drinking from a fire hose. Everyone here has a different story and different journey. Everyone will tell you what worked for them or did not work for them. You need to sift through the information and find what works for you. The saying around here is "take what you need and leave the rest".

Molly, I invite you to take some time and read some of the stories in just found out. In many ways the wayward spouse can be compared to an enemy of the marriage. It makes no difference whether the wayward is male or female, in a straight or gay marriage. The issue is the thinking of the offending spouse. But instead of continuously high jacking other folks threads I invite you to start one of your own. Please while commenting in someone else’s thread if you read advice you disagree with try just ignoring it the best you can. Mind you, I am not saying to not comment. Just please do not high jack. We have all done it. I’m doing it now. But we try our best to avoid. Your opinion matters. Don’t stop sharing.

Things to do right now:
1. Tell the other betrayed spouse. Don’t let your wh know.
2. Get tested for STD’s asap.
3. Implement the 180 as best as you can. It’s hard but it will help you start taking control.
4. Gather your army. Confide with people who have your best interest in mind.
5. Get a therapist.
6. Let his and her boss know.

Good luck and know everyone on here has been through this hell and has come out the other side. You can too. Bless you and your babies.

6. Let his and her boss know

I would hold off on doing this because it is not in OP's interest for her husband to get fired, especially since they have a new baby. But him getting a new job ASAP should absolutely be a requisite for even considering reconciliation.

I agree, number 6 is the nuclear option. Just knowing that you have that option will give you negotiating power if he refuses to leave his job.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 8:56 PM, Tuesday, March 12th]

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But instead of continuously high jacking other folks threads I invite you to start one of your own. Please while commenting in someone else’s thread if you read advice you disagree with try just ignoring it the best you can.

Honestly, if people had not attacked my idea not to need a polygraph but had ignored what I said against it, the discussion wouldn't be going on. But if you and others feel the urge to comment just to belittle my idea, I highlight why I am totally against it:

1) If a relationship between spouses needs a polygraph, it is dead, no CPR will make it go back to life.

2) An attorney or anybody else who recommends it is just taking advantage of a delicate situation where the truth is already known

3) Husband is a cheater not a criminal

4) Too much detail will hunt her for a long time and it is not worth it.

5) The same amount of money can be invested in therapy which should be n. 1 together with STDs testing.

She, only she, will make the decisions she prefers for HER life, but giving her only one version about a choice is limiting her options. No point in denying her other point of views.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 10:01 PM, Tuesday, March 12th]

Let's please return to supporting OP.

All this arguing is going to run her off. I apologize for my part. Everyone has given their opinions,let's go back to offering support.

Op..read the 180,in the healing library. Until he is willing to be honest,you have nothing to work with. You need to detach,and work on healing yourself. Right now,you're only priorities are to take care of yourself, and the kids. He will either wake up,or he won't. You can't make him, so focus on what you can do for yourself.

You will be ok.

I agree, number 6 is the nuclear option. Just knowing that you have that option will give you negotiating power if he refuses to leave his job.

Good point, CrazyCatLady!

I hope you’re still with us, OP. How are you holding up?

Molly65,

If you would like to further discuss polygraphs, please start your own thread.

Please get back on track and support the OP’s specific needs.

I am sorry if anyone felt I was drifting from the topic. The truth is when a certain route is suggested it is very important the person whom the suggestion is addressed should see the pros and cons of that suggestion, especially if it is something that person never thought about. If we only voice the opinions of who is in favour, we are not providing a clear picture and it is biased.

SO I am proud to have contributed to an idea. I also had someone who wrote to me in private to share how positive the experience of a polygraph has been for them and I appreciate that. At the same time it is a bit like when you deal with children's misbehaviour: You can choose to slap them and send them to bed and they will obey because they fear you, or you can talk to them, maybe have a heated discussion but... you don't treat them lowering YOUR standards. THE OUTCOME IS THE SAME, THE PROCESS ISN'T.

A solution that is very invasive is not a solution I would choose, but hey ho, different people, different approaches.

I am sure FeelingBroken5485 has now a better understanding and can freely choose what is best for their situation

FeelingBroken, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I am three years out and currently passing through the anniversary month of all my discoveries. It still hurts and my recovery has been slow. Please, please, please, don't do the pick me dance. I have learned, as many had advised me, that it doesn't work and will prolong the pain. Make your husband work to save the marriage. Stand strong for yourself and your children, know that you are the prize and that you have exceptional value as the partner who has held true to her morals and values through a marriage that, like mine, had its now apparent issues. You probably can't see it right now but you have way more internal strength than you can imagine. And by even considering reconciliation to an individual that has caused you so much pain shows that you possess mountains of compassion. Find yourself a good therapist, if the first one isn't getting it done for you, find another. You'll know when you've found a good one, trust me. I've learned that I am an empath and want you to know that I feel your pain as I'm typing this. You WILL pull through this, that's what people with inner strength do. It's going to be rough waters for you for a while so please lean on us for support, that's why we're here. Hang tough girl, you can do this!